Foster to Adopt ~ International ~ Intrafamily Adoption

Memories Grief Loss in Adoption

Memories Grief Loss in Adoption

Memories Grief Loss in Adoption

Memories Grief Loss in Adoption is a real thing.  My babies were adopted, officially, the beginning of this year.  We’ve had them for 2 years prior…we’ve had some significant issues with one child (rages, RAD, depression, missing her biological family), but we’ve had none with my son.
He was so young when he was removed, that he no memories.  Also, he was also almost COMPLETELY non-verbal when he came to us.  Sadly, he didn’t even know who his biological mother was when we had our last visit with her.  Well, lots of therapy later and he is really, really verbal.  Now that he is, he has emotional moments of wanting to see “the brown-haired lady.”  I’m not talking, boohoo, fake tears…I’m talking massive hysteria and couldn’t even form the words.

Church Revelation

We were at church, working on the food pantry meals one night.  Out of the blue, he walked up to me and said: “I want to see my real mom.”  I said, “I am your real mom” and his response was “my other real mom.”  Memories.  I told him that that wasn’t possible and he lost it.  Grief.  It affected the whole evening.
We got home from church, and I tried to talk to him again, about it, and he just couldn’t handle it.  Loss.  I told him that he grew under the brown-haired lady’s heart.  Yet, he grew in my heart.  Then, I explained that she wasn’t able to care for him.  In turn, she wanted us to raise him and G, so we chose adoption.  Finally, I said that she wasn’t around anymore.  Sadly, he asked me if she had died.  I said that she hadn’t, he then responded with “well, do you have her phone number…can you call her?”

Such Sadness

My heart is broken.  I’m sure my son has had all these emotions (memories) inside all this time.  Now that he can finally verbalize it, it’s all coming out full force (grief).  I’m not sure what to say, how to handle it (loss).  He talks of being special because he is adopted, but he doesn’t know what adopted means.
Adoption is such a beautiful thing but it is so hard.  With our greatest joy (of adoption) is the greatest loss for these children in the foster care system.  For those who read this blog and believe that Jesus Christ is our personal Lord and Saviour, please say a pray for all those children who are in foster care or who were adopted from foster care.

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4 thoughts on “Memories Grief Loss in Adoption”

  1. My heart is aching for you right now. We live in the same town as Song’s bio parents. We sometimes see them. It used to cause behaviors. As she has gotten older, she verbalizes all the things they did to her when we see them. I think talking about it helps her to know she is safe now.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. You are his real mom. 🙂

    1. We, also, live 5 miles from bio family. We actually pass by their house on our way to church. How awkward is that? It caused massive behaviours with my oldest one. We’d have many rages, memories, and everything in between. My son, who is just now 5, saw all of this, but never said/did anything because of his lack of communication. Now, it’s all I hear, all the time.

      It’s nice to know that someone else is going through what we are going through. Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and understanding. This too shall pass, right?

  2. Our town is so small we can’t even go a different route. And I’m not talking 5 miles, I’m talking 2 streets! I guess at 5, he is realizing he lost something, and has to grieve for it. No matter how bad the parents were, the kids always miss them. I will never understand that. Hang in there, keep telling him you love him. And yes, this shall pass. 🙂

    Today I gave Song a big hug and thanked her that her only behaviors today were chewing on a pencil point and then denying it when she knew I saw her; and using a coloring book that belonged to another child when she was told not to.

    1. Ha, we can’t either 🙂 There is only one way to church and that is it. We’ve even been “caught” out in the parking lot with the bio gma screaming my name and trying to get the children worked up. That was pleasant.

      I worked on his lifebook today and he started screaming “the brown haired lady, there she is!” He looked at his first lifebook created by his first foster family (long long story). He was so confused. I guess I should sit down and go through it with him to explain who everyone is.

      Congrats on the MINOR incidents today. Today was a pretty decent day for us, as well.

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