A Little Bit Insane
I am A Little Bit Insane. Okay, so I know that this sounds like I’m NUTSO…..really…I am, I’m okay with that. I always say that my “sense” started leaving me as I was walking down the aisle to Big Daddy. However, later, in life, I pushed it out with 3 births, 3 adoptions, and 2 lost children, and 2 terminated pregnancies later by our birthmothers. It is gone, really really gone.
Anyway, when we adopted our son, on Oct. 13, 2010, it was a JOYOUS day. We’d spent all week in Ethiopia, a beautiful beautiful country. It was made even beautiful-er because my son was in my arms. Precious precious child. On Oct. 17, 2010, we got our first of many disappointments. We were being denied by US immigration for lack of money to support our son. Our hearts were broken. We had just come off a tremendous high and thrown into the deepest pit imaginable. Surrounded by darkness and sadness. Alone….so we thought.
Our world turned upside down.
After being a stay at home mom for 17 yrs and homeschooling my brood, I got a job to help our family. We had to put our children in public school and work around 2 working parents and a handful of responsibilities and activities for our children. There would be no vacations, no mini-vacations, limited holidays, rare home-cooked meals, and homework on the fly. It was a huge huge change.
Fresh Blood: Fresh Eyes
In April 2011, we met our new home study agent (Forever Family Adoptions Jessica Johnson) and we were informed that we met the income requirements and it was time to refile with immigration. Our hearts soared. All our hard work had paid off. It has been a LONG time since April and we are still in the hands of immigration. We are waiting. Our son is waiting.
We Did It.
During that meeting with our agent, my sweet husband mentioned (with Jessica present) that he would like to use her services again when we adopt again. I just put my fork down, looked at him and asked him if he was on crack. I informed him that this process had easily shaved 10 yrs off my life and it still wasn’t done. He simply stated that he felt this was God’s leading and that we weren’t done yet.
I’m sure my eyes were as big as a silver dollar.
I told him that he’d better be praying to God that his heart is changed cause this mama’s heart was DONE DONE DONE. He had lost his pea-picking’ mind. We had a daughter, fixing to start driving; one daughter in the midst of puberty; our daughter with RAD; an overactive boy; and our boy with special needs and then our new son whom we weren’t sure of what needs he would have AND HE WANTS TO DO THIS AGAIN? Lost.His.Mind. There was *a lot* of silence on that hour’s drive home. I mean A LOT.
Love and Loss
While I’m at work, I am approached by a beautiful young woman. Precious child who was expecting a precious child. She was unsure of her future and in time (lots of prayer and talking). This young lady had asked us to adopt her baby. Before I thought about it I told her YES. Then I stepped back and thought “oh my goodness, what have I just done?”
Fear approached me. I would be bringing home my sweet son and shortly after that, welcome a NEWBORN. What in the heck am I thinking? I realized that as God was working in Big Daddy’s heart, he was also working in my heart. Sadly, we lost that baby at 14 weeks due to a poor decision by the birth mom. I was devastated.
Are There More?
My heart is now saying…” we aren’t done yet.” But my mind is screaming insanity. We don’t have room, I don’t have enough stamina. Also, we don’t make enough money to add another. What birth mom would choose a family of 8 to add their precious bundle to? There are no countries that would accept us because of having 6 kids. Then, I think God is SO much bigger than all these issues.
Maybe I’m not called to adopt again, maybe God is preparing me to help others to adopt. Wouldn’t that be amazing! He is bigger than money, He is bigger than stamina, He is bigger than immigration…HE IS BIGGER. If He sees fit to add another child or children, He will make it possible. I’m not in shock, anymore. I’m in awe and excited to see how He is going to finish out this year and strength our family for the next big thing. I love my kids. I miss my son. I’m excited, for the first time in over a year.
Watching and Waiting
I was in that pit…I’m not out of it yet, but God never left me there, alone. He was with me and He still is with me. Also, He is with my son. I must remember that He is my Sustainer, my Refuge, my Strength. He has been holding my hand and molding my heart the whole time I’ve been in that pit.
It seems as if I am constantly just keeping my eyes above the waves. What I realize, now, is that though the water seems to rise…I am standing on His mighty hands.
Praise be to Him….to be continued….eventually.