Fall is finally here and guess what? It brings the rain. That’s okay, we need it and I love a good gentle rain with a nice breeze.
Waking UP is Hard to Do
This morning, I woke up with a start. I never heard Hunter make all the sounds that Hunter makes when he is up. Going to bed too late, taking 2 Aleve for a toothache, and the rainy day made me oversleep.
When I looked at the clock and it is 10! Next, I turned over and saw Hunter staring at me. Then, I turned back over and Big Daddy was still in bed, with his breathing machine on. I had a brief moment of panic.
Then I Realized
It was Saturday. We had nowhere to go, nothing planned, nothing to do. Hunter did not necessarily need a nap, so allowed my body to relax again. Big Daddy got up with Hunter and I fell back asleep.
This time, I woke up at 11:30. It was really nice. Well, that part was nice and then I had a meltdown. Hunter came back upstairs to snuggle. I realized, as he lay next to me, his body was shaking.
My Heart Began to Ache
We have done all that we know to do. He has a Neuro that says nothing can be done. There is a “movement” specialist, who just wants to observe him. The FL dr, who is so expensive (but worth it). Then there is the Amish dr who prescribes these horrible tasting herbal remedies.
Let’s not forget the Theratog, the weighted vests, the special diet, the vitamins, the chemo, the IVIG, and the ACTH. That would be awful to forget those things. We have had him prayed over, blessings released over him, people come over to pray for him. There are strangers who see him out, ask his name, and say they will pray for him.
God does not move. Maybe He is moving and the flesh of my eyes just cannot see Him. All I see is shaking. I see him falling. Him wanting to feed himself, but can’t. My eyes move to him trying to get a drink and blooding his lip because he shakes so badly.
I do not see God moving. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. Selfishness, maybe I’m selfish because I desire him to live a normal 4-year-old life…yet he doesn’t. Lack of faith could be an answer for me. Hunter has faith, I know that. There are people around me who have faith, but maybe I lack it.
I have to remind myself that I may not “see” God moving. Somewhere, though, He is because that is His promise. Refocusing is what I need to do. I do not see the wind, yet it is windy today. I can go outside and *feel* the wind on my face.
That could be it. I need to *feel* Him again. Anger has hardened me, in some way. It makes me not want to feel anymore because not feeling is easier. Emotionless, that is how some people describe me.
What You Don’t Know
Is that I’m overly full of emotion. I just don’t show it to every Tom, Dick, and Harry that passes me by. Emotions are kept close to my heart. When I feel safe, I can release them. Most of the time, I do it alone. Just me and God, having it out, lots of yelling (mainly by me).
Occasionally, Big Daddy will catch a glimpse. Rarely, do my kids see it. They have enough of their own stuff, in dealing with Hunter’s condition. I will not let them see me lose my crap. My job is to comfort them and encourage them.
A new season is upon us. I’m excited. The cool, crisp air of fall is my favorite. I can still picture, driving up my grandparent’s hill, seeing Granddaddy sitting on the porch. He’d have his jacket on, with the collar pulled up and his hat pulled down. His eye would narrow on the cars that were passing by beyond the hill. He loved the fall.
The old is passing away and it gives everyone a chance to just rest in the quietness of life. Then, with spring, comes new life and new beginnings. I encourage you all, to bloom where you are planted. Where the Lord plants you are created perfectly for who you are and what He has planned for you.