Man…those are heavy words. Making peace with the past. Heavy. I have a weight that sits on my chest that I have never fully released or forgiven, for that matter. It is something I NEVER talk about but I choose to hold this subject so close to my heart. Infant loss through some unethical choices of others is so very hard.
Loss of my children.
The pain of having children *ripped* out of your arms.
The pain of dealing with the choices of another.
The heartache is unspeakable. I can close my eyes and still feel my children being ripped from my arms. I can hear them screaming for me. The animalistic sounds that were being made, were being made by me. It was almost like an out of body experience.
Then, a year later almost to the date, I see them again. I stand there, with this lump in my throat. The realization of the age that my children were taken. They were 2 and 1. They were only with me for a short time, they would *never* remember me.
I tentatively walk to where they are and I just stand there, staring. I don’t want to speak because I have 2 fears. One that they will not remember me. The other is that they will remember me and wonder where I have been.
As I squatted down, I said “babies.” They looked up and they saw me…they ran to me saying “mama” and hugged me. My heart lept and sank at the same time. That same evil woman, who took them the first time was there, and her evil continued. She took them out of my arms again.
I could not bear it, so I left the facility where we were at. The next year, I did not even go because I knew they would be there. Bart went, they didn’t know him, he got pictures. The last images I have of my children.
Etched in my brain.
I do not know where they are. I do not know if they are safe. They are 12 and 14 now, I always remember.
Walker + One
Then, there was a time that I met a lovely young woman. This young woman was pregnant. She chose our family to adopt this little boy. He was due in December of 2012. We named him Walker. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, this young lady made another choice, at an advanced stage of pregnancy.
I can close my eyes and see this little blonde-haired, blue-eyed little boy. He was due at around the same time that we were picking up Jude. She knew that we knew that and it was all good. We were going to have 2 new boys…one 6 and one newborn enter our lives.
We only brought home one of those boys. The other sits on the lap of Jesus, with another child that we loved and planned for but again, due to choices…
And the Last Boy
Then one more little one that we wanted to love and care for, so deeply. We wanted to give him a future, safety, security, and love. The system chose to return him to an unsafe environment and now we don’t know anything. Again, our hearts broke.
I have got to let this go. Forgiveness is not about giving permission for these people to hurt our family. It is to rid myself of the venom that the devil is happy to let stew on my stomach for 12 years.
I don’t have to tell these people I forgive them. By forgiving them, I do not have to forget my children. I can still love them, cherish them, and miss them. Pray without ceasing. Lord, help me forgive the people in these situations. Help me to hold onto my memories, my dreams, and my ideas of what could have been. Lord, help me to pray for, bless, and love the people that have hurt us. Most of all, Lord, help me to forgive because I must give thanks in ALL circumstances according to Your Word.
Release the memories, the pain, the negativity, and the unforgiveness.
God loves all these children more than I can comprehend.
Unforgiveness…not today, Satan. Not today.
Today, I CHOOSE to forgive.