Taking Time For Myself is So Hard
Taking Time for myself is so hard. Self-care is hard but then I realized, no one takes care of the caregiver. Since no one takes care of me, I have to take care of myself.
Since I don’t take care of myself, my husband steps in and helps. He has arranged for a long weekend getaway for us. My job is to do nothing but enjoy it.
However, do you know how hard it is to relax? I say this because I have one medically fragile child and two other children with special needs? This, of course, does not take into account the other children and animals in my house.
My Big Kids
My oldest daughter, son-in-law, and my second oldest daughter are in charge. I arranged suppers, gave strict instructions to my children, and we headed out.
After our call home tonight, I knew Hunter was not behaving. He does not do well without me there. He is mouthy, emotional, refuses things, and throws tantrums. Why? Because he can.
He knows we are gone, therefore, he does what all 5-year-old boys do…he pushes the envelope. I hate that he does not behave. It makes me feel like I am a horrible mom because I took some time for myself.
A Mama Knows
When you are the primary caregiver of a medically fragile child, you forget to breathe, at times. I have tremendous guilt for leaving because no one can care for him as I do. Also, I do not play and he does not get away with the crap he is pulling now.
Yes, he has his struggles. His rages are part of his neurological condition. My older children are capable of handling him. He is also a 100% manipulative boy who “smells fear.” He plays on that fear and he uses it to the best of his ability.
I needed this weekend. Enjoying my husband, sleeping in, eating food I did not cook, letting it all go. That does not make me an awful mom. I must not let satan play on that feeling.
We have had some deep discussions and made some HUGE life-changing decisions. It is freeing to just be in the moment, to solidify things, to say things that needed to be said.
I have to learn how to cope with the condition that my son has. Also, I have to teach him to not play on his condition as he gets older. This condition is not a crutch.
Letting go of anger for a doctor who did not listen to me was a biggie for this weekend. So many things I want to say to him but in the end, what is done is done.
Realizing and forgiving myself for not pushing this doctor to do what I asked him to do in the beginning of this journey.
I yielded to a professional. In yielding, I allowed these chemicals to enter my child’s body because I was told it would help.
I am so angry with myself. As strong as a voice as I am. I freaking yielded. Now, we reap the after-effects of my stupidity.
OCD, rages, insomnia, itching himself till he bleeds…all because I yielded. Damnit. I am truly so mad at myself and this doctor.
Diligently, I am trying to let it go. I have to forgive myself, this doctor, and this condition. I will not let satan have my son or my thoughts.
God is bigger. I believe he has healed my son, it just has not been manifested. One day, I will share my thoughts with this doctor. I am certain he will do things differently if someone else shows up with these symptoms. He is a smart man and will learn from his mistake.
I am just sad my son had to be the one that he misdiagnosed. Sad because I did not voice my opinion and was not stronger in what I wanted to be done.
Sigh…I am so thankful I have older children who can be me for a few days. Who can handle the craziness without letting me know all the stuff? I am thankful for a husband who cares for the caregiver.