Falling Down the Rabbit Hole
Here I am, sorting through the 58,882 pictures and the 1300 videos and it happened. I began Falling Down the Rabbit Hole of memories. Frankly, I am an emotional wreck!
I mean there are the annual Christmas pictures, birthday pictures, and such. Those pictures are fun to look at. To see the kids’ faces change over the years. The laughter and joy on their little faces. These are fun.
Then, there are the ones that make me choke back the tears. I sat and looked through the pictures of two of our children, Shay and Tay. We had them for a short time, but our goal was adoption.
The social worker was evil. Just pure evil. I know a lot of social workers and the ones that I know are hardcore and good. They want the best for these children in tough places. I am blessed to know them.
This one, however, was not one of the good ones. She convinced the judge that I’m an unfit mother. This was all done because she wanted to adopt these children. Vile human. I struggle with forgiveness.
Looking at the pictures from Ethiopia makes me feel so many feels. The referral picture of Jude. I remember where I was when I saw his little face the first time. The pictures of our first trip. So full of joy and promise and excitement.
Then the trial…15 mths of fighting for our son. Seeing other people’s pictures of my son. I’m so thankful for them and for thinking of us during this time. Yet, it reminds me of the darkness that fell over me. The uncertainty. Pain.
Joy That Comes in the Morning
Then, there is the joy of seeing him again. The look on his face. Him, in all white, with these beautiful wildflowers he had picked. The “mommies” all walking with him. I remember the joy on their faces of us *finally* coming. Also, the sadness, as he was a staple at the transition house.
Then there was the year that granny died. Wow. Gut punch. I didn’t realize I took so many pictures of her house. Yet, there they all were. Memories of such joyous times with her and a twinge of sadness of other things.
The pictures and videos of Hunter blowing into our lives. He was like a whirlwind that blew new life into our family. His presence created so much healing within my family and my extended family.
As we should all know with adoption…with great joy comes great loss. He has experienced so much loss in his little life. His biological father, whom he will never know. His biological siblings from his father’s side. The loss of his biological mom to drugs and prison. Also, the loss of the only “father” that he knew and his kids. The loss of his health.
The thing I have to look at is how far he has come. Yes, he will never know his bio dad. On the flip side, Big Daddy is a phenomenal daddy to him. They have a wonderful bond. The only “father” he knew, from his past, has made some epically poor choices and is in a bad state of being right now. He is not safe. His biological mom is my niece and oh how I love her. I’m doing everything I can to keep her in his life. We can only do so much, right now, since she is in prison. However, once she is out…that is when the rubber meets the road.
I will absorb it all. Take it all in stride. Be thankful for the memories that were made and the lessons that were learned. I can see God’s hand and the crimson thread He has woven throughout my life in pictures.