Feeling all the Things
Here I am, almost midnight, the eve before 2 of my boys start middle school. I am Feeling all the Things and then some. Fear creeps in and then I hear my sister say “Fear is a Liar.”
There is so much I worry about.
Will Jude remember NOT to go through the metal detector? Then my thoughts swirl to “I cannot believe my children have to walk through a metal detector.” Will he lose his hearing aid? What if he doesn’t wear it? He may fall asleep during class…will he get in trouble? Did I tell all the teacher’s about his hearing and his sleep problems? Do I have all the things he will need to get started? Will he be bullied? What will he do if he is bullied?
Then there is Daniel
He is not like other kids. I know that he knows that but others don’t know that. They don’t know what he struggles with, internally that can manifest in strange ways externally. What if he can’t handle the class load because his brain works a couple of steps behind the “typical” kid brain. Will he be made fun of? What about testing, he doesn’t test well and needs more time. Will they know that? He eats a lot. What if he is still hungry and his brain slows further because he needs an extra protein or water?
On Friday, I send Hunter for his first day. I have loved, hovered, protected, fought for, rallied with, held up, spoon-fed, and more for the last 3 years. The last 2 years we have literally been to hell, knocked on the door, and then fought off demons with a water pistol.
What if he gets sick? Will that put him back in a wheelchair? What if he can’t sustain? Will kids make fun of him and bully him? What if he shakes so much he can’t do the things that he wants to do? If he gets lost in the hallway, falls in the toilet, rages, struggles…what then?
Peace or No Peace
The past month, I have had such peace with this decision. So ready. Theoretically. Now that it is here. I am an anxious ball of stress. Living on the edge of the mountain and looking down thinking…”It doesn’t seem so far…I’ll just jump.” I can’t sleep and my mind is going 1000 different places and all at the same time.
Knowing the Right People
I know a lot of people in the system. From the top dog to the bus drivers and that is all a good thing. They know my kids and my kids know them. I know that I am 5 minutes away from Hunter and about 8 away from the boys. There have been a lot of words spoken over the course of the week but for the life of me, I cannot remember a single conversation.
Homeschooling Has its Own Struggles
It is not all peas and carrots. I am strict, focused, and on it. The bar is set very high for my standards whether you are “special needs” or not. We aim high and do our best to get there by any means necessary. I feel accomplished in graduating 4 of my 7. Yet, there is guilt for not “finishing the race.”
That is Satan, whispering in my ear. I know this, deep down. Yet, I still turn my head as I hear that voice. It still penetrates me and makes me question all the things. I see all these “got it together” homeschooling mamas. Yet, I know. I know the struggles. I’ve lived it for 20 years. Secret time. I HATE teaching a kid to read. I’ve done it with 6 of my 7 but it is not something I enjoy.
I Miss My Lady
If she were here, I would drop the kids off and go to her house. We would sit at her kitchen table and talk about all the things. She would tell me that it was going to be fine. Then, she would line me out on listening to Satan instead of Jesus. Next, she would tell me the newest and latest sandwich at a particular restaurant and we would go and partake. Finally, she would make me cry and then nap in her green chair. I can play this all throughout my mind.
It Will All Be Okay
We will get into the flow. Pray for the best for Hunter. Hopefully, he will not get sick and flare-up. If I cry, that is okay. I know that at any point, I can change my mind and so can the boys. My plate has been overfilled for the last 5 yrs due to many many things. I know that I can take this time to heal, mourn, work on my health, and my passions.
For the last 23+ years, I have wiped butts, noses, educated, loved, kissed boo-boos, and more. I sort of forgot who I was in the process. That is okay because I have pretty awesome kids. Jesus gave me the privilege of borrowing them for a time. I will continue to treasure each and every new moment.
Let’s just pray that we will all bloom where we are planted.