These are my thoughts on Psalm 77. Lots of emotions flowing through me.
1 I cry out to God; yes, I shout.
Oh, that God would listen to me!
2 When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
3 I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help.
4 You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
Oh, how I have felt these emotions. When Hunter goes into the hospital, I do not sleep. Well, I get about 20 minutes of fitful moments when my eyes close. That’s about it. I hear everything. When he hurts, I hurt. As the nurses come in and do their job so quietly and so diligently…they do not see my eyes burrowing in on their every single move.
In his first 2 weeks, at onset, I could not pray. I had no words. However, I had many people interceding for us. All I wanted was for it to be over. I wanted Hunter to stop shaking, be able to be a “normal” 3 yr old. Yet, I felt God did not hear me. It was almost like my prayers were literally hitting the ceiling and going no further.
Sadly, it was a hard time. I lived moment to moment. Breath by breath every single day. It has a little over 2 years now. I tried to let my guard down for 5 seconds and guess what? He got a small tiny cold and it ended up with him in the ER. This time, I knew that my prayers went further than the ceiling.
I have equipped myself with Scripture, prayer warriors, and confidence that I know my son better than anyone…except for God. He has healed him and this I know. We have moments of flare-ups and he is not in “remission” but my whole thought process has changed.
Now, if I can get my emotions in check…that’d be something!
5 I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
6 when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.
7 Has the Lord rejected me forever?
Will he never again be kind to me?
8 Is his unfailing love gone forever?
Have his promises permanently failed?
9 Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he slammed the door on his compassion?
10 And I said, “This is my fate;
the Most High has turned his hand against me.”
11 But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
12 They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.
13 O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
14 You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.
15 By your strong arm, you redeemed your people,
the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.
16 When the Red Sea saw you, O God,
its waters looked and trembled!
The sea quaked to its very depths.
17 The clouds poured down rain;
the thunder rumbled in the sky.
Your arrows of lightning flashed.
18 Your thunder roared from the whirlwind;
the lightning lit up the world!
The earth trembled and shook.
19 Your road led through the sea,
your pathway through the mighty waters—
a pathway no one knew was there!
20 You led your people along that road like a flock of sheep,
with Moses and Aaron as their shepherds.
As I read this, it is thundering and lightning!