I have spent a lot (I literally mean A LOT) of time in hospitals since 2015. Between my Lady, daddy, mother-in-law, son, and more…my job is night duty. That is my thing, I don’t sleep well anyway, so why not stay so other family members can rest. As I was sitting with my MIL last night, these were my Thoughts from a Hospital Room.
First and foremost, my MIL is an amazing woman! Her love and devotion to her family is astounding. She is humble, kind, and just precious. I’m so thankful that I was blessed with her in my life. We had some deep conversations. Many, I am sure, she will not remember. I will though!
Tears were shed, honesty was spoken, love was present. Also, she is a freaking powerhouse. I told her that she cannot be a superwoman, at this point, in her life. She needs to take care of herself (she had a hip replacement). The doctor said she took that hip as far as she could. Honestly, he was amazed that she had endured so much pain. She pushed herself as far as she could. Rockstar. That is what she is. A freaking rockstar.
We are polar opposites! I mean, not just a little bit. She is quiet, reserved, and self-assured. I am loud, balls to the walls, and self-conscious. Yet, we mesh. It is so funny how I blew into this family and shook them all to their core. I brought LOUDNESS to this family. Honestly, I adore her.
Thoughts from a Hospital Room
We were talking about books (where we have similar tastes)! I have not had time to read because I’ve homeschooled for 20 years. The books I read are to my children because I am a firm believer in expanding your mind through the written word. We are not big on tv, video games, or phones. All my children have a deep love of books, unlike their father! He is not a big reader. Actually, he is a bathroom reader LOL.
We were talking about The Client and that I was struggling through it. Honestly, neither of us like fiction too much. I told her that I was read the first half of the book and then I put it down. Deep down, I struggle with the fact that I have not finished it. We talked about my Type A personality or OCD.
I read that “Type A individuals tend to be very competitive and self-critical. They strive toward goals without feeling a sense of joy in their efforts or accomplishments.” HECK YES! I would finish that book even though I could not stand it. This time, I went against my grain and I put it down. It is killing me that I did not complete something. Seriously, I feel like a failure.
Stupid, I know. Yet, that is how I feel. Like when I get in my obsessive mode and watch a tv show, I have to watch every episode. If I don’t, it disturbs me greatly. Yet, as I was speaking to my MIL, she was like “if you don’t like it, why waste your time and finish it?”
That statement gave me permission and freedom to say “NO!” This is a minor, first-world issue. Sadly, it is still an issue and a thing for me. Fellow Type A or OCD people get this feeling. Lately, I have been very intuned with triggers that are not healthy for me. I’m learning to step back, not complete, calm down, re-evaluate and not finish something. So hard.
Triggers suck. There are some topics I stay away from whether it is a person, situation, book, movie, or whatever. Some things I stay away from is anything that surrounds sexual abuse or rape specifically. That word, itself, triggers me and makes my stomach hurt. Anything that deals with suicide or even actors or have made that choice. I don’t watch movies with them in it. That issue stabs me in the heart. War movies or books. I have mad respect for those serving and who have served. It breaks my heart to think of what these people/families have endured for me.
Maybe it is Silly
Yet, to me, it is real. It affects me. Why would I want to purposefully do something that will alter or trigger my mental health? Our job is to surround ourselves with things that bring us joy and/or happiness. With my mental illness (clinical depression and PTSD according to my doctor), I choose to say no.
So, as crazy as it may sound, I put the book down, skip shows, fast forward through parts of movies. Heck, I have gotten rid of movies and books. If someone in my life is toxic, I love and pray for them from afar. I don’t voluntarily jump into their lives and try to fix it (though I wish I could all the time). It is not my job. That is the job of Jesus.
Sincere Love and Appreciation
For my mother-in-law because in her hazy moments after surgery, she spoke such truth to me. I felt loved, appreciated, and understood. Today, I choose joy. In all things, honestly. Today, I give you permission to SAY NO and put things down that you don’t dig. Let it go. Just let it go!