This hymn, Blessed Assurance, was sung yesterday by our praise and worship team, at church. I love old hymns. We do not sing them often and when we do, it is played with instrumentation. My old soul truly loves the piano and the hymn.
I was quite surprised that this one came up to sing. We had Hunter in the service with us because we are trying to keep him as contained as possible from the cooties that are so freely shared amongst kids his age. He had been standing by Bart and then wanted me to hold him.
Now, he is almost 50 lbs. so he is a bit heavy for me, yet, I held him for as long as I could. Then, while we were still singing, I sat down and we rocked while this song permeated my soul. He had his little head on my shoulder and he was playing with my ponytail. Such a precious moment that I wanted to soak up.
I have sung 1005 times over the course of my life. I know it by heart and I sing it just like I was taught when I was younger, sitting by my mama in “her pew” at church. However, my season of life has ebbed and flowed since I was a child. There have been lots of things that have happened throughout the last 40 years. Honestly, it has been a long time since I have heard this song being sung.
As I Listened…Things Happened Within Me
There was a peace. Not just any peace. It was a blessed assurance type of peace. See, I’ve been so angry over so many things. I mask my anger with laughter and lightness. Or, occasionally I mask it with organizing or cleaning. There was no masking anything right now. I feel like I see it all so clearly.
Here I am, sitting with my son whom I was told would “succumb” to his illness and there was nothing that could be done for him. Then next to him, I sat next to my #2 daughter who is struggling with finding herself, finding her truth, and direction. She is excited and scared and ready for a certain journey.
Next to her sat my #6 son
Who is struggling to fit in because he was born to not fit into any box. He is deaf with a magnetic in his head. Sadly, he is perceived as rude or disrespectful, or absentminded because he cannot hear you, yet he doesn’t announce it. He struggles with wearing his hearing aid because he is made fun of. To add an element of fun, he has been bullied and had some racist remarks made to him. Recently, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy which comes with a whole nother set of issues.
Next to him was daughter #3.
She is angry all the time. There is so much that she wants but does not have the capability to stick with it unless I micromanage her life. She does not want me doing that, so she is stuck. Desperately, she wants to be loved and heard and do all the things that kids do her age. Sadly, her mental capabilities prevents a lot of that dynamic. Everything is one or two steps late but she will eventually catch up, she just wants it all NOW.
Then we have, sitting next to her, our #5 child.
He is struggling with fitting in, being appropriate, remembering anything, confabulation, yielding to peer pressure and getting punished and “earmarked” for that yielding. He has no clue who he is or the direction he is going in. Honestly, he just knows that he is angry and jealous.
Behind us was #4 child with his female friend.
Again, he is searching, struggling in areas. Learning how to grow up and act the age he is. Wanting more than what he can afford or have. He is wanting those freedoms but not at the price that is set forth for him to get them. Trying to find his place in the life choices he is making for his future. This is tough stuff.
His female friend is getting her feet wet in independence and learning some tricks of the trade. She is making hard decisions about her future in a month that is very difficult for her and her family. Sadly, she is missing parts of her family and there is just a lot of layers to unfold with her.
Lest We Not Forget #1 Child and her Male Person
Things are better with them, but still lots of communication growth required. So much learning in that first year of marriage. There are some medical issues cropping up and boundary issues that need to be addressed. Big life decisions that are being discussed. Just a whole lot of everything.
As I Sat
I realized how angry I was that we were “still” dealing with the things that we deal with on a daily basis. We have children with special needs (remember that phrase. It is NOT special needs children…they are CHILDREN first!) Yet, we have the same issues day in and day out. It’s like I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day all day long, every day.
Anger is fear and/or sadness. I am fearful about their futures and what will happen. Honestly, I am sad that a few of my children may have a limited future due to their specific needs. It hurts my heart because I cannot eloquently explain all the reasons. They simply do not understand.
Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine…..this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long….. As I was holding him, that phrase stopped my singing and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. All of this insanity around me IS my STORY. It IS my SONG. This STORY and SONG was written specifically for me before God created anything. He knew me, my life from beginning to end, the children, the needs, and He perfectly wrote the lyrics to my SONG.
I have been singing my song out of tune for a lot of years but today, I felt myself finally singing in tune with this beautiful hymn because I had a glimpse of understanding. There was a moment where I thought this is my purpose.
I don’t know what I’m going to do with this knowledge. Hopefully, the Lord will continue to press this into me and I will glean more from this epiphany that I truly felt like I had had today in church. Always, I ask for prayers for my children and my husband. Now, I ask for prayer for me to fully understand and discern this thought that is traveling through my brain.
Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! O what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of his Spirit, washed in his blood. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long. Perfect submission, perfect delight, Visions of rapture now burst on my sight; Angels descending bring from above Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long.