I Need a New Narrative
Sin. It sucks. We are all susceptible to it, and all do it. It isn’t pleasant, it grieves God, and it can be ugly. Thankfully, as a child of God, He casts our (mine) sin from as far as the east is from the west. Honestly, that humbles me. He forgets my transgressions but do I forget others? I Need a New Narrative.
Life as I Know It
I struggle with bringing up the transgressions of others. Sadly, I have been stewing on it. Marinating, so to speak. I know the power of forgiveness, and it is a beautiful thing. Yet, there are some people that I hold on tightly to the hurt, anger, and pain. I claim that I have forgiven, yet I know I haven’t.
Dangit. I am to be like Jesus with skin on. Yet, here I am holding onto the hurt and pain. I know how to counsel people into the beauty of letting go, but I do not always follow my wisdom.
Free-will. It sucks.
Anger is secondary to fear and/or sadness. I am angry a lot. Sadly, more than I should be. Is it my depression? Can I use that as a crutch? Is it unresolved trauma? Probably. I’m working on that. Yet, the “working on” part is HORRIBLE.
What do I fear? Am I not good enough? I suck as a wife and parent? Everything I touch, I screw up? That my inner human of insecurity is right and what I try to tell myself is a lie? If I were better, I would have friends. My children wouldn’t struggle with what some of them do. Sad because I never feel like I am enough. I live in a shame swirl.
Good times, huh. Welcome to my brain.
Who I Am in Christ
This picture has been floating around for years. I’m going to post it here mainly to remind me of what I know is true according to God. This is what God has to say about me (and you). As I continue to change my narrative, I’m going to print this out. I want to read it, have Big Daddy read it, and my children.
During this quarantine time where we have nothing to do but live with our thoughts, I want my thoughts to be going in a different direction. I need to quit filling my mind with the wrong things. Find the peace that surpasses all understanding. I want to stop being angry and enjoy those around me.
My kids need to know that I do my best and I love them. I want them to be the best they can be despite some of their disabilities. Their minds and bodies are healed by the stripes Christ bore. I need to try and show that, daily, by my example.
Read and Reread
Please, print this out. Buy it. Write it down. Read it. Reread it. Then, read it again. The things that you tell yourself are lies. These are the Truths of what God tells us. He created me (us) to bring Him joy. We bring Him joy by simply breathing in and out. He shows us so much grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness.
I’m going to start by getting back into the Word. Also, I found great peace when I kept my prayer journal. Every day, I would date it, write five things I was thankful for, and then five things that were a prayer concern. As things were answered by God, I would highlight/date/write the answer. Over time, I would be able to flip back through and visually see how the Lord works, even if I don’t “feel” it or “see” it.
I would branch out. “You can’t be in the pit of despair,” as Anne Shirley said. If you are reaching out and praying for others. From time to time, I reach out and can focus on others instead of myself or my current situation.