I am NOT a Failure
Repeat after me: I am NOT a Failure. Those words still resonate in me after a late-night chat with one of my closest friends. After a particularly hard evening, I texted my friend and said: “can you talk?” She has as many kids as I do and her life is not easy. My friend is raising these kids from hard places and trying to maintain a farm. Inspiration. She is my inspiration.
What’s Going On?
That was all she said. Not even a “hello” just a statement. I don’t think we ever say “hello” when we call each other. It is rare when we get a few minutes, within a month or so, to dedicate to chatting. Yet, when it comes to me needing her or her needing me…we make time in the chaos.
Last night, she made time. I am forever grateful to my friend. She means the world to me.
Tears Flowed
I couldn’t even get words out all I could do was sob. There was a sentence I mustered about a life-altering decision that we have to make in regards to one of our children. Instead of instantly telling me all the things I already know, she sat, silently, and let me cry. Throwing in phrases, between the sobs, of “I love you. You love your children. He is not a failure because of his mental illness that I did not create. I am not a failure because I did above and beyond what needed to be done for him to live a successful, safe life.
You are not a Failure
She said that over and over. I repeated it and then I let it sink in. He is not a failure. I repeated that and it is sinking in. We are not failures. He just needs more help then maybe I can give him. That doesn’t mean I’ve failed him. It means I have loved him enough to get the help that he needs. Having to do what we may have to do does not dictate my love for this child. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t fight so hard for him to succeed in life.
Yet who does what I’m doing? Who does what he is doing constantly? Why can’t love just fix everything? What about God? Where are You in the chaos? I know He is there. Yet, I can’t hear Him through the storm.
My Support System
My support system is small. I mean, I have my husband. The love of my children (whom I try to shield from all that swirls in my mind). I know my mom loves me and supports me. My sister who never waivers, judges, or advises without me asking, faithfully prays for me. What would I do without her? I don’t know. Also, I have a couple of faithful friends I can bear my soul with and never be betrayed or judged.
Struggling
There are some serious trust issues that I have always had. Sadly, those issues have peaked over the last few months. I’m battling with anger (which is fear and/or sadness). I can identify the fear that no one believes me, that I have no self-worth, no confidence, that love comes and goes like the ebbs and flows of the ocean. Feeling like a failure because my dreams of raising kids are not what reality is. Honestly, feeling like all the things wrong is my fault and that I can’t fix them. Sadness because of the loss of what I thought I knew. I’m not sure it is even there. Maybe it is there but buried deep inside and doesn’t want to appear because of fear. There is such sadness at the choices of a child and her uncertain future.
Emotionally Stagnant
That is what my counselor said that I was. When we got off the phone, I told my husband, and he AGREED. Then, I called my sister and told her. Guess what? She AGREED. I have a hard time expressing my needs, feeling safe, accepting help, and just being vulnerable.
I am not emotionally stagnant. The emotions are there and I pick and choose who sees me have a moment. Emotions, to me, instill weakness. If one is weak, one doesn’t think clearly and can then be overtaken.
That’s how I perceived my daddy growing up. He is not the emotional kind of guy (forever police officer). I rarely remember him yielding to emotion. He did, I guess, just not where us kids could see him.
My mom, however, is free with her emotions, for the most part. I just took more after Pop.
What People Do Not See
What people do not see is when I’m alone. Hiding in my room while crying my eyes out over my failures. People don’t see me taking long drives while crying my eyes out or screaming. The poison gets so intense inside me that I scream at the top of my lungs. So, I’m emotional, in a controlled environment. If I were to say to the people who have hurt me how badly I feel wounded. Honestly, they will not respond well. There are so many things that can be said. Also, those things that were said cannot be unsaid. If I did say them, they would no longer love me.
Fear of not being loved or belonging. That is a big one.
Oceans
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in the deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made…
My Thoughts
In the everyday chaos and uncertainty, He calls me to walk out on the waters. Where it is completely unknown. My feet will fail in the deep ocean. Yet, He says I will stand on my faith. When I call upon His Name, He is faithful to keep my eyes above the waves. He is calling me out on the waves to confront, in love, the people that I need to confront. One of those people is me!!
I need to know that I don’t depend on anyone’s love but His. My battles are not for me to fight according to Exodus 14:14. “The Lord will fight my battle. I just have to be silent.”
I won’t look around at all the things going on around me and the struggles that I am facing. My job is to step out on the waves, in the deep ocean, where His grace abounds. I am always loved, always believed, always worthy, in His eyes.
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