The Rest of my Story…Let the Tears Flow
The Rest of my Story…Let the Tears Flow. They flow for the pain these people went through. For the pain that their family and loved ones have gone through. The lost time, confusion, hurt, and then that moment of pain…
A man that I worked with was the life of the office. We shared our office space and we had the most fun, hands down, of any other offices. That is where he introduced me to his lovely ‘female friend’ and her son, C. They were all so dang cute together. We all loved hanging out and C had a bit of a crush on me. He was like 8, so it was pretty sweet. There was no surprise to hear that they were going to get married, soon after they met. Then along came baby B! Wow, what a transition.
My friend ended up getting another job, in another town (close by). He wasn’t too far away and so he commuted. His wife continued to work. Both boys began school. Life seemed to be good for them. Until the moment when I got the phone call.
The screams of my friend’s wife still bounce around in my head from time to time. I didn’t realize that my friend was struggling with mental illness because their family put on a very good show. It turns out, he just couldn’t move foward and made a choice that was devastating for all of those who loved him. I will never forget the look on her face when she was telling me what happened. She was talking but she wasn’t present. This is something you never get over and you always wonder what you could have done differently. The pain does not cease with time.
All In the Family
Another family that is close to my heart. Well, when I met this family, they were infections. The dad was loud and in your face. Mom was loud, loved to talk, and make friends. The kids were big. Loud. Boisterous. Kids. A unique blended family that seemed to figure out how to make it work.
Again, from the outside, life looked awesome. Great job for him. Great job for her. Kids in college, school, military, money, nice house. Then, you opened the door to this beautiful home and you see what is going on behind closed doors.
Silence, arguing, pain, grudges, fights, booze, meds, threats, screaming. There was one person of stability in the house and he was an amazing person. Sadly, the Lord called this person home. That’s when things started really falling apart. The marriage was dwindling, the kids were not doing what they needed to do. Then prescription drugs and alcohol began to play a factor
When a parent is unstable and children witness or deal with suicidal attempts or threats, it alters their minds forever. Sadly this is the case. Due to undiagnosed medical conditions, the struggle has been to make the conscience effort to breathe in and out every day. So, it is no surprise when one of her children followed her in her footsteps. Generational curses can be broken! Thankfully, everyone in this family is doing their best in taking the next right step.
2 Families, Same Story
Drugs, alcohol, abuse, feelings of unworthiness, depression plagued 2 boys. One was a young boy, not even a teen. The other was a young man with a brand new baby to love. In my eyes, both of these boys were loved, but in their eyes, they were not worthy of love. They were useless and people would be better off without them. Knowing the people that saw what happened, that day, and ran to their rescue haunt me. I cannot even imagine the sight of what they saw and the strength it took them to save these boys. The thankfulness that these, now men, are still alive does not leave my mind.
Yet, they are still struggling with the same things they did when they were younger. The boy of the story has no ability to work, drive, or do much of anything. He is basically confined to one space. How heartbreaking to wake up everyday to the same thing day after day with no hope of getting out of that space.
The young man of the story is working, doing okay. Raising children and trying to do life in the best way he knows how. He copes with drugs and alcohol and still suffers from depression. My hope is that boy these young men can see who they are in God’s eyes. That they are loved beyond measure.
The Screams of a Mother
There is nothing quite like that phone call. A mom who has given her life to raising her children in God’s light. This mom who loves her children and has made huge sacrifices for them. She has made decisions that no parent should have to make. Then, her young son does the unthinkable and succeeds. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard. All I could do was pray for peace. Her voice…
My Sweet Friend
I met this sweet friend at a place that helped my son. She had a kind smile and a loud laugh. Shortly after we met and became friends, she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought that battle and won. We missed seeing her every week, but it was safer to be home and not get sick. Treatments are hard on a body.
I was thrilled when I saw her walking towards me one day. She had her bandana on her head and a smile on her face. My son was so excited to see her, as well. Again, this is a woman that I knew had some struggles but for the most part, she “seemed” happy. Until she wasn’t.
Sigh…I just can’t even begin. Articulate properly. Precious human. She is now at peace though missed terribly here.
Then There was Leigh Ann
My loud, firecracker, sailor-mouthed friend. Fearless. Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the stories I told have taken a piece of my heart. Leigh Ann, however, has taken a chunk. Again, the horror of hearing her mama and the words coming out of her mouth. The useless feeling that washed over me as I held her sweet son while he sobbed. Her daughter. Brother. Even her dog was mourning.
I have written about her before and I will not go into detail of her life or death on this post. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Honestly, there is not a night that goes by when I close my eyes and I can see her staring back at me. Her death was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am not okay.
You, this whole month, I have dedicated to awareness and suicide prevention. I have posted myths and facts on my facebook page, as well. Honestly, I have no idea how many people even read what I write but it is healing for me. I heard, not long ago, this statement. If a person were in their right mind, at that moment, they would never follow through with suicide. I say this because if they were in their right mind, they would think about the NEXT moment. For instance, who would find them? How would they live in or drive by the place that it occurred? What about their children, if they have them, what would they grow up knowing?
So many questions and so little answers.
Moments are fleeting but the Truth of the Lord remains. Your life is worth more than all the rubies and gold in heaven. He created you in the image of His Son. Jesus loves you without abandon and you have to do nothing to earn it. There is help and there is hope. You are loved. Your life is worth living. Please think about that next moment, after you imagine your “success.” Think about the other person who will find you and have to tell your loved ones.
Seek help. Medication. Therapy. Self-care.
Some of my friends survived and too many were lost to suicide. I have put off writing this and posting this for a month and all day today. It is so hard and I know that I will have bad dreams tonight. I am always trying to save everyone. You can save yourself by calling any of these resources to help you!