Depression Be Gone
Hello, it’s me again Margaret. This song makes me giggle and think of my granny. I have no idea why but it floods me with warm sensations of her love. There are days that I miss her so much I ache. Today is one of those days that I declare Depression Be Gone.
As my daughter and I were going through books, yesterday, she found a tiny picture. I had used it as a bookmark ages ago. It was a picture of my granny, in one of her “costumes” and grinning from ear to ear.
That smile. Oh, how I wish to see it again.
Life has been hard. The last year and a half, it has been almost unbearable. It is not like the unbearable after my son got sick. That was a different type of unbearable. It is an emptiness that I feel. A deepness that is hard to describe. There is such darkness that surrounds me that it is hard to see the light or the Light.
My journey with depression has been a long one. Somedays, I think it is because I just don’t trust Jesus like I should. Other days, I feel as if I deserve all the things because of all the wrongs I have done. Somedays, more often lately, I am just ready to see the face of Jesus.
So Much Good
My husband is amazing. Most of my children are healthy and safe. I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a mama who would die for me, and sisters who love me endlessly. Then, there is my first granddaughter, Charleigh. Oh my. She is glorious and brilliant. Today, she rubbed her eyes because she was sleepy. Brilliant. She is 6 weeks old and she is going to change the world.
The darkness is still there, ready to overcome me at any moment. Leigh Ann’s birthday is coming up soon. I miss her. There are so many days that I wonder why she did what she did. Other days, I get it. In that moment, I get it. I have to snap out of that mindset because it is toxic. Jesus has plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I have to remember that.
Her mom, Donna, I miss. She passed away of cancer on October 15, 2020. Sadly, she was diagnosed on October 6, 2020. That day, that week…they haunt me. I am not in a headspace to let my fingers, brain, or heart go there tonight. It is not a safe choice for me.
Anyway, Back to This Post
Yesterday, as I looked at the calender for today, I realized something. There were ZERO things I had to do. Cue angels. I have been so busy going here, there, and yonder. There are days when i feel like I’ve met myself coming and going. Yet, today, there was nothing.
I felt a spark inside me. It was tiny, but it was there. I was determined I was going to accomplish something. Today was the day that something was going to happen. Focusing was on the agenda. Eating. Bathing. Schoolwork with Hunter. Rocking Charleigh. Pet cats. I was gonna do all the things.
And Oh the Things I Did
I finished schoolwork with Hunter while running Irene (my robot vacuum) hence 2 birds with one stone analogy. Then, I let Hunter play outside while I fixed and ate a salad while also looking through real estate that we are interested in buying. Can we say “dominating the day yet?” When I finished lunch, I straightened up the school closet and got all the things that belonged upstairs actually BROUGHT upstairs. Lastly, in a moment of glee, I had the boys CARRY DOWNSTAIRS what belonged downstairs. I know. Brilliance.
Through all that, I stopped and pet Inez, my feral cat. She just ate her babies and was feeling a little left out of the pack of mamas and their kittens. I just know she loves me. The supper was underway. I had one of my son’s phones getting prepared to return to him on a limited basis.
Oh The Things I Found
I found precious notes from my Lady to me. A Bible that I have treasured. Medical documents that will make me go cross-eyed. I threw away 20 year old underwear that I was still wearing because I can still get a few good years out of them. Occasionally, I ate candy. All the missing cords were found. Shocker. All the missing socks found mates. Then I realized I have too many socks, so I started a giveaway pile.
I dusted so much I will be sneezing for a week. Honestly, I grabbed the garbage out from under my bed that had been there for MONTHS. Why? Because I’m too sad to put forth the effort to get it. I only have so much to function for my family.
Wanna Know a Secret?
I started boxing stuff up and storing in my attic, until of course, I pull all those things out and reorganize them/label them. Honestly, I am preparing for rain. I feel like it is time that we leave our little home. We are looking but the Lord has not moved. If He doesn’t move, we don’t move. So, right now, I’m just preparing for rain.
In light of that, I pulled the garbage out from under my bed. Ran Martin (another robot vacuum) under my bed. Dusted all the things. Boxed up so many thing. I took a magic eraser and washed my doors in my bedroom. GAG ME WITH A SPOON! That was nasty. Just straight up gross.
I spent A LOT of time scraping all the soap scum off my shower. Daniel spent a lot of time washing the toothpaste that was clear to the ceiling. How does that even happen? Organized all the things. I even switched out my toothbrush, tightened up some screws, pulled down some nails, disassembled some fans and washed them.
I did all the things. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a lot to do. But there is a glimmer of light. When my bedroom gets gross…for a long period of time….that is my sign that something is up. Last night, I just recognized it (after like 18 mths). I took the bull by the balls and cut them suckers off.
I will finish tomorrow. Even the closet (not the attic though…saving that for last). A little goes a long way and if I can do it once, well, I can maintain. Maintain. That’s what I do. I maintain. My “friends” have drug me down. Another person has dragged me through the mud and will tell everyone all the things.
At this point, it is what it is. What God has brought me too with this current chaos, He will be faithful to bring me through.
Say a prayer if you are the praying kind. I would appreciate it.