Book Processing

Processing Dancing with a Porcupine Part 2

Processing Dancing with a Porcupine Part 2

Processing Dancing with a Porcupine Part 2

 

Processing Dancing with a Porcupine Part 2.  Here is another quote by Jennie Owens “deeply wounded children push others away so no one else can get close enough to hurt them ever again.  After being abandoned so many times, they reject you before you have the chance to reject and abandon them.  In an effort to protect themselves, they especially push away the primary caregiver, and he or she becomes the target for their anger.  They try to prove they don’t deserve love or anything good, because they believe this about themselves.”

Another WILDLY Accurate Statement

I can’t say this is true for all my kids that were born in my heart, but for 1 in particular.  It was from the moment we said “hello” that it was game on.  Upon reading the backstory, learning as much as I could, asking questions, that I finally understood.

This particular child’s bio mom told her, at a VERY young age, that if this child were really bad, they would give her back.  Of course, as sane minded people, everyone that heard that knew it was a lie.  Granted bio mom could have gotten her child back had she followed the plan provided for her.  She didn’t want to do that.  That was completely in her control and she chose not to do anything on the plan.  The courts hands were tied.

Yet, that statement carried with this particular child and it was taken to the nth degree with many homes before our home became the final home.  So because I never gave up, 99.9% of the anger and behavior was saved all up for me. Outisde of my home, this child was “perfect and unscathed.”

Seriously wanted to smack people upside the head when they would say that.

Not Getting What was Wanted

This child wanted the nuclear family that left.  A mom, dad, grandparents, siblings…every child wants that.  Again, these kids are leaving everything they have ever known and then going to live with a complete stranger.  How scary is that?

Eventually, some key people began to catch onto the actions of this child.  That caught the eye of therapists, the school, doctors, people at church, family and we did everything that was required of us (as foster parents and then adoptive parents) that was within our grasp.  We wanted this child to know the world was just waiting and what a powerhouse this child could be.

That’s not what was wanted.

Bigger, Stronger, Powerful Darkness

These are words that this child would talk about.  How the darkness would consume this child and it made this child feel bigger, stronger, and powerful.  This was a desired feeling.  Yet again, this was only directed at me.  There were times when this child would “slightly” hurt someone younger, when no one was looking, and then be the one to “rescue” said hurt child.  That was an aspect of life where we had to make the rule that an adult always had to be present for safety purposes.

Most of the hate was thrown my way and it was always my fault when things didn’t go as planned.  This child was trying to get me to change my mind.  To fall out of love and get rid of, to return this child back to the nuclear family that was so coveted.

I guess my love was bigger.  My sanity was giving out but my persistence paid off.  Sadly, this is more common than not especially when you choose older children.  It feels impossible especially when you do not have a support system.

Another Statement

“Sabotaging her own success at times and keeping herself out of an uncomfortable situation at other times, Brianna complained to others that we didn’t give her enough freedom, even though the situation was of her own making.”

I could write an ENTIRE BOOK on that statement alone.  Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  All we (Bart and I) ever wanted to do was give more yeses than no’s.  Can I have a snack cake for breakfast?  Yes.  Can I go outside and ride my bike?  Yes.  Can I have a sleepover at XYZ house?  No.  This is why we don’t need to do sleepovers but your friend can come over and play or if it is okay with the other parent, you can go and play for a couple of hours.

We wanted the yeses with the understanding that sometimes we would have to say no.  Sometimes, I could give a reason.  That reason was never accepted and it would always end up being a constant argument, discussion, pout session.  Then, there were other times when this child (or any kid) didn’t need a reason.  We are the parent and this is a rule and we have rules to keep everyone happy, healthy, and safe.

One child would state that they would get “so excited” that that is why they self-sabotaged all good things.  We had to parent completely different and I hated that but it was for the betterment of a child, or two, or three, so on and so forth.  We would extend a privilege and then get a phone call later stating what happened and that we needed to come and get that child.  From that point on, my child wasn’t welcomed.

When That Happened

We would distance ourselves from the entire event, family, church, etc.  Yes, this child may have screwed up but if you took the time to get to know this person and maybe the smallest of background info to help you understand…maybe it would have been different.  Where one of us is not welcome, none of us are welcome.  That’s how we lost a lot of friends, family, and churches.  Even if these people had a legit reason, which most of the time they did.  They couldn’t see past that event and show grace and understanding.

Basically, my family didn’t fit into the mold of what most people thought we should fit into.  My kids lost out on a lot of stuff standing up for this child.  I know they have resentment but I also know they have resilience.  These types of things created in them compassion, refinement, tolerance, and love…even though it sucked during that time.

Lots More to Unpack

But this blog post is getting too long.  There may be many parts to this because I want to bring awareness where there may not be any.  Part 3 coming soon!  Promise to keep them shorter.

 

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