Faith Journey, Medical Issues

Day 3 of Retesting Hunter

Day 3 of Retesting Hunter

Day 3 of Retesting Hunter

Here is a recap of Day 3 of Retesting Hunter.  As you might remember from yesterday’s post, lots of stuff happened. So many delays, a co-vid scare, and a tick on his penis are the highlights.  Mix in being hungry, exhausted, and frustrated and there you have our first (and only) 2-day stay at the hospital.  Let’s talk OMS, shall we?

Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome (OMS) is difficult to diagnose.  It is easier when a child has a paraneoplastic type or a neuroblastoma.  Yet, being idiopathic is just a shot in the dark.  Sadly, Vanderbilt has not really done us well, in our opinion.

Is it God Speaking?

The 1-day screw-up or the 2-day delay…was that God saying “stay home?”  Nah, God hasn’t spoken to me in a while (in my opinion, not His).  I press on, determined to get an answer with one of my many phone calls or messages.

We get there and most goes smoothly.  Get to our room and things start falling into place.  Nurses come in and do their thing.  We get the IV going, tests begin running, questions being asked.  You know, all the things.  The co-vid test was a NIGHTMARE, but we got it done.

Is He Speaking Louder?

At 5 am, the neuro walks in to inform me that Hunter tested positive for co-vid.  I told her that it had to be wrong because we have been nowhere.  He has no symptoms.  She said that it was positive and that we were being transferred to the co-vid unit.

Excellent.

They decided to retest him at 530 am.  Fun, I know.  Regardless of the outcome of that test, the aliens came in and whisked him down to the “red-headed stepchild” ward.  I kid you not, that’s what people call it.

My mom called and said, “Brandi, can’t you just go home?”  I told her no because we need these tests.  That was my third warning and our second positive test.

In the Meantime

My family, back at home, are getting tested right and left.  It’s a lot of people to get tested.  Yet, once it was all said and done, everyone tested negative.  It wasn’t surprising and I still questioned whether or not that the test was accurate.

Yet, we had an attentive resident who seemed to “see” me.  We had a wonderful nurse who put Hunter at ease in every aspect.  I decided that I would ignore all the warnings and second-guessing myself and we pressed on again.

Final Say

Well, He didn’t just give me signs, feelings, phone calls, and such.  This time, He just said, “leave.”  The powers that be came in and said that there was nothing that they could do for 20 days.  We should just go on home and come back.

That was loud and clear.

On Our Way Home

As I turned down the road to home, it began to pour down rain.  My boy woke from a nap, it began to storm and the rays of the sun were shining down.  I prayed for the Lord to give me a sign that all will be okay.  I looked in my mirror and saw a HUGE double rainbow.  It was glorious.

I had Hunter turn around and I told him the story of Noah and the ark.  Hunter informed me that he knew all about the ark and the flood.  We talked of salvation, the Holy Spirit, God’s promises, and such.

We turned on some praise and worship.  Hunter was raising his hands and singing so loudly to each song. It warms my heart to know that he has been through so much and he still praises Jesus.  I felt peace and warmth blow through my body.

BTW:  Hunter and I tested on the 3rd and we are CO-VID FREE!

Maybe, God is moving.

Day 3 of Retesting Hunter Day 3 of Retesting Hunter

Day 3 of Retesting Hunter

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Day 2 of Retesting Hunter

Day 2 of Retesting Hunter

Day 2 of Retesting Hunter

Today, geez.  It started off with someone scaring the crap out of me at 5 am.  I actually slept on and off between 1 and 5.  Well, we are up now.  Neuro said that Hunter tested positive for Co-Vid.  There is some added fun.

Where on Earth?

I have no clue how this even happened.  He has not been symptomatic at all.  Honestly, he goes nowhere, so the people (my kids and husband) coming in and out of the house must have brought it in.

I asked for a day 2 retest and they did.  Guess what?  It was positive too.  Now, we are on another floor, in complete isolation.  We are still getting testing done, but he will be moved to the last on the list.

Lots to Do

He is supposed to have an MRI and an LP (Lumbar Puncture) today, under sedation.  If you have sedation, you can’t eat or drink.  He is hungry and thirsty which is going to make for an unhappy boy.  Negative is now, he has to be last on the list.

His blood tests came back normal, except his iron is low.  That is fixable.  All the other doctors will be coming in today.  *Some stranger is peeking in his window and waving.  Quite creepy if  you ask me.*

Positives and Negatives

Positive:  People don’t bother us.

Negative:  Co-vid.  Grumpy child.  Isolation.

Also, a HUGE negative is that we are now being discharged because he can’t be under sedation for 20 days.  Bloodwork was done, we got urine on him.  The Rheumatologist and behavioral specialist will see him BUT the most important thing is the MRI and the LP.

So, we have to come back in 20 days.  The fun never ends.

**So far, everyone else in my family has tested negative.**

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Day 1 of Retesting for Hunter

Day 1 of Retesting for Hunter

Day 1 of Retesting for Hunter

Recap Day 1 of Retesting for Hunter.  Today is actually day 2, so I’m going to be a day behind all week.  Tis the life, I guess.  Anyway, I dread hospital days.  Usually, I start getting anxious about a week prior, and then it hits hard the day before.

This time, I got a head start on packing and I was going to pack light.  Last time, I packed too many snacks and clothes.  The first time (almost 4 yrs ago), I packed little to nothing for a 2 week stay.  I have one bag for both of our clothes, a book, and my slippers.  Then, I packed my purse that has my little bag of bathroom things, essential oils, and electronics.  One bag.  One purse.

I’m ready.

Once I’m Ready

Then, I am ready. I have a coke in the fridge, water, and we are rolling.  This time, however, was different.  First, I was supposed to check in on Memorial Day.  Doc said that we should put it off till Tuesday.  Okay, fine.  Adjustment.

Monday night, I went to do the pre-visit on Telehealth and it had that I was SUPPOSED to come on Memorial Day.  I messaged.  No response.  I called.  No response.  I messaged hours later.  No response.  Are you sensing a pattern?

My Whole Mojo was Thrown Off

Tuesday comes and I start calling.  Guess what?  No response.  I called admissions and they said they had him down for coming Monday.  There were no orders for him to be admitted on a Tuesday and to not come (a long drive for me).

I messaged the office 4 times.  Called 3 times.  Then, I called admissions again.  Finally, after my whole mojo was thrown off, we left about 3 pm.  It rained the whole way down, so that was an added element of fun in the non-existent sun.

Getting in Our Room

We got settled and a neuro doctor came in.  She was letting me know what all was going to be done.  Then, we talked about his new or increasing symptoms of rage, OCD (or tics), his vitiligo, and other things.  I informed her that she needed to look at his last visit and whomever the 2 neuros were that took his cath out, they were not to get near my son.  Her eyes widened.

Of course, this is a neuro I had never met and she wasn’t aware of the plasmapheresis trauma.  Tough.  Just tough.  I will say that our IV team (the team consisted of 1 person) was unbelievably phenomenal.

Blood Tests and Co-vid Test

He had a lot of blood drawn for several different tests.  Also, he had a co-vid test which was HORRIBLE.  I mean, he grabbed the stick, shoved it up to his nose more, and SCREAMED.  Then, he broke it.

Good times.

Luckily, he slept well and was overall really good.

Day 2 begins the round of testing.

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Sticky Boobs, Flushed Face, Mood Swings Galore

Sticky Boobs, Flushed Face, Mood Swings Galore

Sticky Boobs, Flushed Face, Mood Swings Galore

Oh my word, who can relate to the Sticky Boobs, Flushed Face, Mood Swings Galore?  Men who read this blog, I apologize in advance.  Skip over this post.  Women?  Who can say menopause?  Men.  O.  Pause.  Honestly, men SHOULD pause when getting near a woman who is going through this stage of life.  Perimenopause is what goes on before menopause sinks its teeth into you.

Angry Ovaries

Now, I will say, that I have had a hysterectomy.  Well, a partial one.  Everything is gone except my ovaries.  When I went to the Amish Iridologist (links below), Mr. Reuben, he said “ma’am, you have angry ovaries.”  I about spit my water all over him giggling.  Yes, sir, my ovaries are angry.

Honestly, I thought it would be better, in the long run, to keep my ovaries.  Now, I wish I had had them removed.  My goal was to NOT be on hormones.  Guess what I am on?  Hormones.  I started about a month ago.  The symptoms have lessened, some, but not much.

Sucky Signs

These are the symptoms that I have currently.  Pray for my husband, children, Lola, and my cats.  Bless them.  Just bless their hearts for having to deal with all that I am bringing to the table.

*Hot Flashes

*Face Flushing (worst thing possible)

*Mood swings (depression/anxiety is 1000 times worse)

*Inability to sleep or I sit down and fall asleep wherever

*Bloat

*Eating better weighing more

*Weird muscle zaps

*Loss of memory

*Concentration of a gnat

*I feel ALL the feelings ALL the time (frankly, it is freaking my kids out)

*Dizziness or light-headedness

*Farting.  I fart all the time.  Not just a dainty little toot.  These are either rip-roaring tuba-sounding farts or silent but violent farts.  They all smell like sulfur, rotten eggs, and moss.  I kid you not.

*Acne.  It is like a zit parade marching across my face.

*Headaches

*Vaginal dryness

*Drop in libido

*Irritability

*Just not feeling well

*Feelings of dread, doom, and apprehension

*Agoraphobia

*Dry skin

*Itchy skin/skin crawling

*Nausea

Thank Goodness

These are more symptoms, but I haven’t had these yet.  Let’s all have a moment of prayer for the women who have ALL the symptoms.

Everything aches

Brittle fingernails

Thinning hair

Incontinence

Irregular periods

Rapid heartbeats

Night sweats

Cold flashes

If You or Someone You Love

Is currently going through perimenopause or menopause, just love them.  Pray for them.  Offer to cook dinner, watch their kids when they are tired.  Throw chocolate and coke at them from the driveway.  Don’t be offended if they bite your head off or cry for no reason.

Seriously, if someone is struggling mentally, please give them THIS NUMBER so they can get help.  The Suicide Hotline is open 24/7 with a willing ear to just listen.

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Faith Journey, Medical Issues

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back is one of the first videos I saw on TikTok.  This, well, it gave me chills.  Every time I hear/read it, I have the same experience.  Sarah Jakes Robert is amazingly delivered this sermon.

“Get Your Fight Back” by Sarah Jakes Robert

It is titled “Get your fight back.”

Girl, get your power back.

~Girl, start acting like you are a king’s daughter, and that there has always been a crown attached to your head.

Even when I was sick I was still His. Even when I was dead, I was still His.

Do you know who I am?

I am a child of the highest God.

He has kept me alive so that I can be a testimony to everyone attached to me.

Get Up: There is No Hold on You

Girl, you can get up again.

And Girl addiction can’t have you.

Girl divorce gotta let you go.

Get up girl, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up again.

Girl Depression gotta let you go.

And Girl anxiety has to lose its hold.

I’m pleading for you to get up.

My daughter needs to see you get up.

And My sister needs to you get up.

Get up, Get up.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up again,  I gotta get up again.

Get Your Prophecy

God’s you just sent a word, And now I know I need to get up again.

Something died on the inside of me, but I feel my spirit coming back.

I feel my power coming back and my ideas.

And I feel these dry bones shaken and coming back to life.

I’m getting up, I’m getting up.

I’m getting in position.

And I’m tired of crying about it.

I’m tired of fighting about it.

So I’m getting in the position.

Girl, You gotta get up.

I’m getting up for my daughter, I’m getting up for my sister, I’m getting up for my kids, I don’t even have them yet, but I was getting up for them too.

And I’m getting up for my community and marriage.

Gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

Jesus, you’ve been chasing me too long.

I’m here and I surrender.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

The bitterness you got to Let me go.

Death, You can’t have me.

I gotta get up.

Honestly, I gotta find my joy.

I’ve got to find my peace.

I Gotta find my spirit again.

My friend made me who I am, my spirit got me into this.

And My spirit is gonna get me out, My spirit is going to get me out of it.

I got my Spirit back.

God touch me, God overflow.

I need your spirit, I’m hungry for it, I’m desperate for it.

God help me up.

Who You Need to Let Know

Let Hell hear you.

And Let the Depression hear you.

Let the enemy know.

And Let death know.

Spirit

The spirit is coming back to me.

This spirit, what spirit?

The Holy Spirit, the Name that is above all Names.

Yes. When we call on that Name things happen.

That’s what I’m calling on.

What I need

Your Spirit.

Jesus, I need your power.

Your healing.

Get Who You Are Back

The King of kings.

Lord of lords.

You are the way maker.

My healer.

What I Call You

Excellent.

Wonderful.

Magnificent.

Jehovah Jairus.

Jehovah

What I Say

You can have control.

I surrender.

Make a way.

Nothing is off limits

I say God touch me as only you can do.

God give me power.

Help me forgive.

I say God Cleanse me from bitterness.

Sermon Video and Full Transcript of Sarah Jakes Robert

Girl Get Up

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Depression Be Gone

Depression Be Gone

Depression Be Gone

Hello, it’s me again Margaret.  This song makes me giggle and think of my granny.  I have no idea why but it floods me with warm sensations of her love.  There are days that I miss her so much I ache.  Today is one of those days that I declare Depression Be Gone.

As my daughter and I were going through books, yesterday, she found a tiny picture.  I had used it as a bookmark ages ago.  It was a picture of my granny, in one of her “costumes” and grinning from ear to ear.

That smile.  Oh, how I wish to see it again.

I’m Struggling

Life has been hard.  The last year and a half, it has been almost unbearable.  It is not like the unbearable after my son got sick.  That was a different type of unbearable.  It is an emptiness that I feel.  A deepness that is hard to describe.  There is such darkness that surrounds me that it is hard to see the light or the Light.

My journey with depression has been a long one.  Somedays, I think it is because I just don’t trust Jesus like I should.  Other days, I feel as if I deserve all the things because of all the wrongs I have done.  Somedays, more often lately, I am just ready to see the face of Jesus.

So Much Good

My husband is amazing.  Most of my children are healthy and safe.  I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a mama who would die for me, and sisters who love me endlessly.  Then, there is my first granddaughter, Charleigh.  Oh my.  She is glorious and brilliant.  Today, she rubbed her eyes because she was sleepy.  Brilliant.  She is 6 weeks old and she is going to change the world.

Yet

The darkness is still there, ready to overcome me at any moment.  Leigh Ann’s birthday is coming up soon.  I miss her.  There are so many days that I wonder why she did what she did.  Other days, I get it.  In that moment, I get it.  I have to snap out of that mindset because it is toxic.  Jesus has plans for me.  Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.  I have to remember that.

Her mom, Donna, I miss.  She passed away of cancer on October 15, 2020.  Sadly, she was diagnosed on October 6, 2020.  That day, that week…they haunt me.  I am not in a headspace to let my fingers, brain, or heart go there tonight.  It is not a safe choice for me.

Anyway, Back to This Post

Yesterday, as I looked at the calender for today, I realized something.  There were ZERO things I had to do.  Cue angels.  I have been so busy going here, there, and yonder.  There are days when i feel like I’ve met myself coming and going.  Yet, today, there was nothing.

I felt a spark inside me.  It was tiny, but it was there.  I was determined I was going to accomplish something.  Today was the day that something was going to happen.  Focusing was on the agenda.  Eating.   Bathing.  Schoolwork with Hunter.  Rocking Charleigh.  Pet cats.  I was gonna do all the things.

And Oh the Things I Did

I finished schoolwork with Hunter while running Irene (my robot vacuum) hence 2 birds with one stone analogy.  Then, I let Hunter play outside while I fixed and ate a salad while also looking through real estate that we are interested in buying.  Can we say “dominating the day yet?”  When I finished lunch, I straightened up the school closet and got all the things that belonged upstairs actually BROUGHT upstairs.  Lastly, in a moment of glee, I had the boys CARRY DOWNSTAIRS what belonged downstairs.  I know.  Brilliance.

Through all that, I stopped and pet Inez, my feral cat.  She just ate her babies and was feeling a little left out of the pack of mamas and their kittens.  I just know she loves me.  The supper was underway.  I had one of my son’s phones getting prepared to return to him on a limited basis.

Oh The Things I Found

I found precious notes from my Lady to me.  A Bible that I have treasured.  Medical documents that will make me go cross-eyed.  I threw away 20 year old underwear that I was still wearing because I can still get a few good years out of them.  Occasionally, I ate candy.  All the missing cords were found.  Shocker.  All the missing socks found mates.  Then I realized I have too many socks, so I started a giveaway pile.

I dusted so much I will be sneezing for a week.  Honestly, I grabbed the garbage out from under my bed that had been there for MONTHS.  Why?  Because I’m too sad to put forth the effort to get it.  I only have so much to function for my family.

Wanna Know a Secret?

I started boxing stuff up and storing in my attic, until of course, I pull all those things out and reorganize them/label them.  Honestly, I am preparing for rain.  I feel like it is time that we leave our little home.  We are looking but the Lord has not moved.  If He doesn’t move, we don’t move.  So, right now, I’m just preparing for rain.

In light of that, I pulled the garbage out from under my bed.  Ran Martin (another robot vacuum) under my bed.  Dusted all the things.  Boxed up so many thing.  I took a magic eraser and washed my doors in my bedroom.  GAG ME WITH A SPOON!  That was nasty.  Just straight up gross.

Bathroom Time

I spent A LOT of time scraping all the soap scum off my shower.  Daniel spent a lot of time washing the toothpaste that was clear to the ceiling.  How does that even happen?  Organized all the things.  I even switched out my toothbrush, tightened up some screws, pulled down some nails, disassembled some fans and washed them.

I did all the things. Don’t get me wrong, there is still a lot to do.  But there is a glimmer of light.  When my bedroom gets gross…for a long period of time….that is my sign that something is up.  Last night, I just recognized it (after like 18 mths).  I took the bull by the balls and cut them suckers off.

I will finish tomorrow.  Even the closet (not the attic though…saving that for last).  A little goes a long way and if I can do it once, well, I can maintain.  Maintain.  That’s what I do.  I maintain.  My “friends” have drug me down.  Another person has dragged me through the mud and will tell everyone all the things.

At this point, it is what it is.  What God has brought me too with this current chaos, He will be faithful to bring me through.

Say a prayer if you are the praying kind.  I would appreciate it.

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Family Update February 2021

Family Update February 2021Family Update February 2021

Here is our BUSY Family Update February 2021.  For the shortest month of the year, it *feels* like this month lasted 428 years.  So.  Very.  Busy.  That meme cracks me up.  I’m not sure if it is my guardian angel, my mama, sister, or therapist.  Maybe all of them do that when I tell them something new.  Tis my life.

School

Still, Job Corp is not open.  I believe, to date, one has opened, so that is progress.  Right?  Noah got accepted into MSU and got his financial aid going.  He is figuring things out, so I don’t have to.  We’ve decided that Hunter will have his therapies at school.  Virtual therapy is STUPID.  It is seriously the dumbest thing ever.  He will only be at the school for an hour and a half.  Physical therapy, Occupational Therapy, and Speech will all be done weekly.  Maybe we will see some progress.

As for the boys, Jude is doing well.  He is learning to take his time.  The school gives him the ability to redo his assignments, but not tests or quizzes. He is learning to ask questions and study.  It has been a journey.  Daniel is struggling.  With FASD, it is hard.  Teachers “see” one thing (virtually), yet life is another.  We are going to take him 2x a week for tutoring.  After much back and forth, we adjusted his 504.  Praying that is going to help.

Happenings

There have been lots of birthdays this month.  Grayce, Hunter, Alyssa, Mimi, daddy, and several nephews have celebrated.  Also, we had a wedding shower for Alyssa on Hunter’s birthday.  That is one way to crunch it all in.  Originally, we had a separate day to do their share. Sadly, Alyssa got the flu or a stomach bug.  She was pretty pitiful.  We were not certain what she had, so we canceled until the 19th.  That would be one day before her wedding.

The rehearsal didn’t quite go as planned because there was a major snow/ice moment.  We considered postponing the wedding.  It was touch and go.  Alyssa was a wreck.  Arkie was a rock on the outside, still unsure of what lies beneath.  We got that done, without Arkie’s family.  Sadly, they got more snow than we did and just couldn’t make the trip.  I know that was a hard decision for them to make.

Once home, we did their shower.  Luckily, both my moms were here.  Hannah and Savannah were here.  Once the parents left, we started cooking.  We were all so tired but got it done.  Then, my girl came and snuggled with me until about 2 am.  Sigh.  Worth it all for that moment.

Wedding

All in all, we got it done.  My daughter was breathtaking.  Simply breathtaking.  Arkie.  I tied his tie and saw this sweetness in his eyes.  He really is a sweet boy.  Change is just hard.  Alyssa.  Stunning.  His family was able to come home.  The sun was shining.  Her pictures will be so beautiful with her flowers and the snow.

My mom knocked it out of the park with her flowers, doors, and all the things she creates.  She is brilliant.  My other mom was so helpful.  I’m so thankful my aunt was able to come.  The boys kicked in and helped clean up.  The food was good, the company was good.  Alyssa was so full of joy.  Arkie was so excited about his apple pies.

Health

Big Daddy was diagnosed with diabetes.  He has lost a lot of weight and his sugar levels are really good.  My plantar fasciitis sucks pond water.  That is in my right foot.  In my left foot, I’ve lost feeling in a couple of toes and the top of my foot.  It is due to a bone spur.  Eventually, when I lose feeling in more toes, we’ll address it.  My essential tremors have calmed down as have my psoriasis.

We have some upcoming appointments with Daniel to have him assessed for autism.  Honestly, we have always suspected it but as he gets older, things become more prominent.  Also, we have some upcoming appointments for Jude.  We are hoping to get some help with his FND.  Hunter had a massive treatment that I will address in another post.  So, stay tuned.

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Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

In this Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon, my guest blogger remembers her brother who died of cancer 6 years ago.  What a thing for a family to go through.  The loss of a child, grandchild, brother, and friend.  He was a few days shy of turning 19 when he met Jesus face to face.

Lord, bless this family.  Bless them with peace and sweet memories as they navigate this difficult week as they remember this sweet boy.  Please give them the knowledge that he is healthy, happy, and hanging out with your Son, Jesus.  He is waiting for them to all be reunited, one day.

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

 

Dear Z,

It has almost been six years without you, and I don’t feel that it has gotten any easier. This is a wound time is taking forever to heal. I miss you so much, and naturally, I wish you were here with me. This is my least favorite time of year. I know you are watching over me and taking care of me.

I Wish You Could Answer Me

I’d give anything to have one final conversation with you or to give you one last hug. If I could go back and change things I would. I would have stayed by your side through it all. I think about that all the time. Does it make me a bad sister for leaving you there? I could have taken whatever our step-father threw at me, just to stay with you.

Missing All The Things

My mom told me a few years ago that you asked for me every day.  That you asked when I was coming back from dad’s. You know I like to take care of people.  I took care of you for the longest time. Honestly, I miss waking up at 3 in the morning to refill your feeding pump. I miss helping you walk around, even though you protested the entire time. For six years I have been waiting for you to appear in front of me.  Just to give me a chance to tell you my final goodbye.  To tell you I loved you just one more time.

It Hasn’t Happened so I’ll Keep Waiting

I think I can finally start to let go of the regret I’ve had for the past six years. It’s time. You know I love you more than words could ever describe. I know your biggest fear in death was being forgotten, but you are so unforgettable. You made an impact in everyone’s life. I will never forget you or the things you did for me.

You were one of my best friends. I promise you my kids will know what an amazing man you were. They will know how strong you were, and how hard you fought. They will know that you are my hero, and I aspire to be as strong and as brave as you were.

After Six Years, I Can Let You Go and Let You Rest in Peace

That doesn’t mean I will forget about you, It just means I don’t have to worry about you hating me for leaving. I know you loved me as much as I loved you. I know you weren’t upset about us leaving moms. I’m just upset she wouldn’t let you stay with us.

I am letting go of my regret because it wasn’t my fault you got sick. Honestly, I was a child and I know it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of you. I am moving on and trying to start the new year off right. Thankfully, I know you will be with me and watching over me every step of the way.

Love,

S

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In Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness, my guest blogger shares her thoughts on this subject.  I have a mental disorder that can be crippling at times. When I say crippling I mean I cannot get myself out of the bed. I have thoughts in my head on a continuous loop that should not be there, to begin with. Those days when I don’t call, text. or even speak to people.  Hell, I don’t even come out of my room. When I say I can’t get myself out of the bed, I mean, I literally will stay in it for days.  I will only leave to go to the bathroom or to eat.

The “Happy” Place

There are also days when I am “happy” these are the days when I can really get myself into trouble. when I talk ninety to nothing and spend all of my money in one place. Or I could get in the car and just drive in one direction not knowing where I am going but going anywhere is better than where I am. These are the days when I bombard all of my friends that I haven’t talked to in days that I want to do something. On these days I don’t sleep, I could be up for days at a time and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. I make poor choices when I am like this.

This is Bipolar Disorder in a Nutshell, at Least in my Case.

I am tired of the stigma on mental illness or mental health in general. If you have asthma, everyone can tell by the physical complications that you have. However, when it comes to mental illnesses we dare not speak of them. They don’t exist to people who don’t have them or at least they perceive it as a negative.

You don’t see people not talking to people with asthma so why shouldn’t they for people with mental illness. Honestly, I should feel free to share that I have bipolar disorder without having people think that it means I’m crazy. Furthermore, I shouldn’t have to own that lie but yet here I am pretending it doesn’t exist or calling myself crazy.

I am Tired of Comparing Myself to “Normal” People

What does that mean anyway? To be “normal”. The definition of normal is conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. So what I’m seeing is that everyone is supposed to be the same, act the same, and do the same things the exact same way? Maybe I’m looking at it in a negative way but it sounds to me like normal people are nowhere to be seen. Because no one is the same no one is conformed to the same standards.

So why do we make ourselves feel less than just because of a mental illness? Bipolar disorder is my normal just because it isn’t yours doesn’t mean that you have the right to tell me that I am wrong, not to be trusted, or dangerous because of it.

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for modern medicine.  It has helped me look at life a bit more clear.  God is bigger than all, but He created man to create medicine to help.  Never feel weak because you need a medication to help you even things out.  You are not weak!  Honestly, you are brave and strong.

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Guest Blogger, Medical Issues

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking

From the Outside Looking In {my family}

We were a happy family

{We} went to church

We spent time with other people

{We} went places together

 

But what you don’t see

Is the mother that can’t get out of bed

Or the stepfather that won’t help feed the kids

And the nine-year-old raising her younger brothers.

 

All that is seen is what they want you to see

Happy, healthy children

Children that spend time with other kids

And parents that provide the best they can

 

Truly my parents did try the best they could

But sometimes that’s not enough

Sometimes the best is not good or bad just an effort

On the days that everyone was happy

Everything was fine

 

But those days when the yelling was too hard to bear

Or the throwing of things was upsetting to hear

Those are the days that stick with children

 

Having a stepfather that could care less

Or can’t stand to look at you because you’re not his

Or maybe because of jealousy of the bond a mother has with her kids

 

That is hard

And then there are the days

When your mother can’t get out of bed

Because she has massive depression

Not that you understand because yet again you are nine

 

Those days are the days that are the hardest

Because you’re alone in the house

And in charge of the kids

Who are five and one

 

Don’t get me wrong I love those kids

And I would do anything for them still

But there is so much one child can do

And somethings are just too much responsibility

 

And even though no one knew what was going on

Or maybe no one was observant enough to see

Either way, I choose to believe that it all happened for a reason

And I would still choose to help even though it took away my childhood

At least they got to keep theirs

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for this young lady.  She is a beautiful human who is loved tremendously.  I am so proud of her journey and watching her grow and heal.

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