Faith, My Journey, Scripture

Stop Set Boundaries Say NO

Stop Set Boundaries Say NO

Stop Set Boundaries Say NO

I have to stop.  Set boundaries.  Say NO.  Not to live in fear because fear is a liar.  I am so tired of living under the judgement of others.  Let me just tell you something…oh my word.  I’m fixing to use my words and all of them.  This may not be pretty but sometimes you just have to let it out.

I’m gonna have to take a few minutes and watch a Chopped episode.  My brain is moving faster than my fingers and the emotions are strong.  Let’s just say I am completely and totally over it.  A change is coming and it may take till Jesus returns, but by goodness, I am done!

Let’s Try This Again

I am not a people person.  Yet, I’m empathetic (so I’ve been told) and I have a heart to help others.  Those that are unseen, so to speak.  People that other people snub their noses at because they don’t dress/live/act “appropriately.”  I’m just saying…those are my people.  I see them, I feel them, I understand them.

Their problems, I feel deep within my soul.  The look in their eyes can tell a thousand stories and they are just yearning to tell that story.  They simply want to be loved, accepted, and NOT judged.  I CHOOSE to love, accept, and to not judge them.  Honestly, I want to meet them where they are currently at and walk into their world.  It is an honor to step into their stories.

Hard Realization

What a hard realization that most people, in this world, do not think the same way.  I just don’t get it.  How can you not love and SEE the people around you?  The unseen, the less than, the “you are not in my circle therefore you do not exist” people.

For the love of all that is holy…Jesus’ second greatest commandment is to LOVE OTHERS.  Matthew 22: 36-40 clearly states, “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”  Jesus replied:  ” ‘ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it:  ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.  All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

The Things that Have Happened

I cannot and will not go into detail on the struggles we have had this summer.  It has hit me hard that not everyone thinks like I think and love as Jesus says to love.  What they want is to steal, kill, and destroy my joy.  My joy is my family.  They are all I think of and commit too 100% every minute of everyday.

For anyone to presume to know what happens in my home shows their narcissistic personality in full bloom.  The things we have been accused of and the mud we have been drug through is astonishing.  I really thought 2020 couldn’t get worse…it can.  Trust me.

So Much Loss and Pain

The loss and pain was completely preventable.  Let’s try something radical.  If you think something is wrong with a friend or their family…TALK TO THEM.  Ask how you can help them, pray for them with no details, listen to them cry.  Clean their house, run an errand, cook a meal.  Be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Radical, ya think?

Or you could go the other route of gossiping, being deceitful, frightening your children, lie, manipulate.  Just because you might have money with your 2.5 kids and .5 pets…driving your nice cars with your paid off houses, does not mean my family is any less.

We do not deserve the shit you have drug us through.  All you see is a tired mama of many kids who “look” normal.  What you don’t know is what all we have dealt with and lived through.

Outcome

Well, our outcome has been standing on Exodus 14:14 “The Lord will fight your battle.  You simply have to be quiet.”  I was quiet.  Lots of tears, lots of reflection.  There was a period of hiding, a valley of severe depression and anxiety, another medical condition for a child due to the STRESS so called “friends” put us through.  Thank you for that, honestly.  It’s been the most fun.

We have been validated.  Proven to be good, loving parents, found out that our family does not need any outside assistance to thrive.  Honestly, with friends like I have had…who needs enemies?  We have discovered several of our “friends” are simply wolves in sheeps clothing.  Yet, now we know.

Choices Moving Forward

I will not hide.  My children will not hide.  We will parent as we have for 25 years until the Lord calls us home.  I will not be afraid and neither will my children.  When I get my Spirit filled feeling about someone, I will trust it and I will teach my kids what I have learned.  I pray that that type of wisdom and discernment is something the Lord gives them.

Honestly, I knew better with these people, but I wanted to be wrong.  I wanted a friend.  Someone who would listen and love us through it all.  What I got was satan reincarnated and the judgy nature of those people.  When bad things happen, the first person who physically showed up was my mama, my Oak.

My Oak

This woman.  She blew in like a whirlwind.  Then, she ironed out the people, in my house, that needed to be ironed out.  Next, she found me and that hug…I melted into her and I felt her love permeate every single molecule of my body.

She gently walked me upstairs and we both laid down and talked.  I cried and she sat in silence and rubbed my hair like when I was a little girl.  She gave me permission to wallow for a day, but tomorrow I have to get up and wash my face and face the day.  There will be no hiding for her little girl.

She loves me.  Unconditionally.  She sees me.  Truthfully.  She knows all that has happened, yet…she loves the ones who have hurt her baby so deeply.  If I am 1/2 the mama she is when I grow up, my kids will be blessed.  I am blessed by her.

A Few True Friends

We discovered those who would stand by us and those who judge us.  Prayer warriors surrounded us and kept us safe.  We stood before all and God clean and came out on the other side with no truth coming from the claims and lies.

These people may never answer for what they did on this side of heaven, but rest assured…Jesus has it written in His book.  Each of these people will stand before the throne listening to him read their story from beginning to end.  They will answer for it.

For Now

I choose self-care.  Pet a cat (or 12), bake, eat candy, smile more, block people on social media, keep loving on the “less of these” people, wash my hands, wear a mask, parent my kids, love my husband, and love my God.  My enemies cannot hurt me because God goes before me, after me, and stands on each side of me.  If you want me and my family, you must go through Him first.

Good luck to ya.

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Faith, Life or Something Like It, Scripture

Honoring My Lady

Honoring My Lady

Honoring My Lady

Today, I am Honoring My Lady.  Everytime I see this picture, I think…my goodness she is GORGEOUS in red!  That was my favorite color on her.  She is smiling because it was her 81st birthday and her “boyfriend” aka Big Daddy was taking her on a fish date.  I was the third wheel…cause best friends and all are great third wheels.

Oh How She Loved Bart

She loved him so much.  Even during a very trying time in our marriage, where she could have just said “leave him”, she didn’t.  What she did was carry my weary body into her home, place her beautiful hand on my hand and the other on my head and prayed.

Then, she picked up the phone and called a trusted, amazing human.  She briefly (and discreetly) said a few things and then hung up the phone.  As she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face, she said “its going to be okay.”

In Time

It was, but during that “it time” part, she held me accountable in my words and actions.  She also had another man work with Bart and my best friend and Bart’s mentor walked with us through the mud.  Our marriage is stronger because of the prayers and the advice that we received.

I miss her so much that I physically ache.  Everyone should have a Ms. Jo.  I mean everyone.  Someone who is strong, not afraid to speak her mind, and loves so completely.  I never doubted that she loved me and she never doubted that I loved her.

I Wish We Had More Time

We had little time…10 years maybe…not long enough.  It is as simple as that.  What started out as me admiring her grace and beauty (and her voice), moved onto noticing her beautifully crooked finger.  Then it matriculated into me timidly asking her to be my mentor.  Quickly followed by me setting on her porch and squalling so bad that she said we were going to make the neighbors talk and for the love of all…get in the house.

Next, it moved to me helping out here and there.  Going to lunch and running errands.  Lastly, it moved more into caregiving and sitting with her.  Making supper and us eating it together while watching Jag.  Cleaning.  Oh my goodness, I cleaned things out.  We looked at her billions of pictures and I soaked up all her memories.

Find a Mentor

Talk to your church and see if you can set up a mentor/mentee program.  It is so worth every moment!  “Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God” (Titus 2:3-5).

You will not regret it.  I miss you, Lady.  More than I can even describe.  My best friend, person, mentor, accountability partner, teacher.  I am so excited to see you again!  Until we see each other again, I love your face off!

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Faith, Kids and Grandkids, Life or Something Like It

I am NOT a Failure

I am NOT a Failure

I am NOT a Failure

Repeat after me:  I am NOT a Failure.  Those words still resonate in me after a late-night chat with one of my closest friends.  After a particularly hard evening, I texted my friend and said: “can you talk?”  She has as many kids as I do and her life is not easy.  My friend is raising these kids from hard places and trying to maintain a farm.  Inspiration.  She is my inspiration.

What’s Going On?

That was all she said. Not even a “hello” just a statement.  In fact, I don’t think we ever say “hello” when we call each other.  It is rare when we get a few minutes, within a month or so, to dedicate to chatting.  Yet, when it comes to me needing her or her needing me…we make time in the chaos.

Last night, she made time.  I am forever grateful to my friend.  She means the world to me.

Tears Flowed

I couldn’t even get words out…all I could do was sob.  There was a sentence I mustered about a life-altering decision that we have to make in regards to one of our children.  Instead of instantly telling me all the things I already know, she sat, silently, and let me cry.  Throwing in phrases, between the sobs, of “I love you.  You love your children.  He is not a failure because of his mental illness that I did not create.  I am not a failure because I did above and beyond what needed to be done in order for him to live a successful, safe life.

You are not a Failure

She said that over and over.  I repeated it and then I let it sink in.  He is not a failure.  I repeated that and it is sinking in.  We are not failures.  He just needs more help then maybe I can give him.  That doesn’t mean I’ve failed him.  It means I have loved him enough to get the help that he needs.  In having to do what we may have to do does not dictate my love for this child.  If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t fight so hard for him to succeed in life.

Yet…who does what I’m doing?  Who does what he is doing on a constant basis?  Why can’t love just fix everything?  What about God…where are You in the chaos?  I know He is there.  Yet, I can’t hear Him through the storm.

My Support System

Is very small.  I mean, I have my husband.  The love of my children (whom I try to shield from all that swirls in my mind).  I know my mom loves me and supports me.  There is my sister who never waivers, never judges, never gives advice without me asking, faithfully prays for me…what would I do without her?  I simply don’t know.  Also, I have a couple of faithful friends that I can bear my soul with and never be betrayed or judged.

Struggling

There is some serious trust issues that I have always had but have peaked the last few months.  I’m battling with anger (which is fear and/or sadness).  I can easily identify the fear that no one believes me, that I have no self-worth, no confidence, that love comes and goes like the ebbs and flows of the ocean.  Feeling like a failure because my dreams of raising kids is not what reality is.  Honestly, feeling like all the things wrong is my fault and that I can’t fix it.  Sadness because of the loss of what I thought I knew…I’m not sure it is even there.  Maybe it is there but buried deep inside and doesn’t want to appear because of fear.  Such sadness at the choices of a child.  Sadness for an uncertain future.

Emotionally Stagnant

That is what my counselor said that I was.  When we got off the phone, I told my husband and he AGREED.  Then, I called my sister and told her…guess what…she AGREED as well.  I have a hard time expressing my needs, feeling safe, accepting help, and just being vulnerable.

I am not emotionally stagnant.  The emotions are there, I just pick and choose who sees me have a moment.  Emotions, to me, instill weakness and if one is weak, one doesn’t think clearly and can be overtaken.

That’s how I perceived my father growing up.  He is not the emotional kind of guy (forever police officer).  I rarely remember him yielding to emotion. He did, I guess, just not where us kids could see him.

My mom, however, is free with her emotions, for the most part.  I just took more after Pop.

What People Don’t See

Is when I’m alone, in my room, crying my eyes out.  People don’t see me taking long drives down roads I don’t know…crying my eyes out.  Screaming.  The poison gets so intense, inside me, that I just scream.  So, I’m emotional, in a controlled environment.  If I were to say to the people who have hurt me, how badly I feel wounded…they will not respond well.  Many things can be said.  Also, those things that were said cannot be unsaid.  If I did say them, they would no longer love me.

Fear of not being loved or belonging…that’s a big one.

Oceans

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made…

My Thoughts

In the everyday chaos and uncertainty, He calls me to walk out on the waters, where it is completely unknown and my feet will fail in the deep ocean.  Yet, He says I will stand on my faith.  When I call upon His Name, He is faithful to keep my eyes above the waves.  He is calling me out on the waves to confront, in love, the people that I need to confront.  One of those people is me!!
I need to know that I don’t depend on anyone’s love but His.  My battles are not for me to fight according to Exodus 14:14.  “The Lord will fight my battle.  I just have to be silent.”
I won’t look around at all the things going on around me and the struggles that I am facing.  My job is to step out on the waves, in the deep ocean, where His grace abounds.  I am always loved, always believed, always worthy, in His eyes.

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Faith

I Need a New Narrative

I Need a New Narrative

I Need a New Narrative

Sin.  It sucks.  We are all susceptible to it and all do it.  It isn’t pleasant, it grieves God, and it can be ugly.  Thankfully, as a child of God, He casts our (mine) sin from as far as the east is from the west.  Honestly, that humbles me.  He forgets my transgressions but do I forget others?  I Need a New Narrative.

Life as I Know It

I struggle with bringing up the transgressions of others.  Stewing no it.  Marinating, so to speak.  I know the power of forgiveness and it is a beautiful thing.  Yet, there are some people that I just hold on tightly to the hurt, anger, and pain.  I claim that I have forgiven, yet I know I haven’t.

Dangit.  I am to be like Jesus with skin on.  Yet, here I am harboring the hurt and pain.  I know how to counsel people into the beauty of letting go, but I do not always follow my own wisdom.

Free-will.  It sucks.

Anger

Anger is secondary to fear and/or sadness.  I am angry a lot.  Sadly, more than I should be.  Is it my depression?  Can I use that as a crutch?  Is it unresolved trauma?  Probably.  I’m working on that.  Yet, the “working on” part is HORRIBLE.

What do I fear?  I’m not good enough?  I suck as a wife and parent?  Everything I touch, I screw up?  That my inner human of insecurity is right and what I try to tell myself is a lie?  If I were better, I would have friends and my children wouldn’t struggle with what some of them struggle with.  Sad because I never feel like I am enough and I live in a shame swirl.

Good times, huh.  Welcome to my brain.

Who I Am in Christ

This picture has been floating around for years.  I’m going to post it here.  Mainly to remind myself of what I know is true.  This is what God has to say about me (and you).  As I continue to change my narrative, I’m going to print this out.  I want to read it, have Big Daddy read it, and my children.

During this quarantine time where we have nothing to do but live with our thoughts, I want my thoughts to be going in a different direction.  I need to quit filling my mind with things that are wrong.  Find peace that surpasses all understanding.  I want to stop being angry and enjoy those around me.

My kids need to know that I do my best and I love them.  I want them to be the best they can be despite some of their disabilities.  Their minds and bodies can be healed, in Christ.  I need to try and show that, daily, by my example.

I Need a New Narrative

Read and Reread

Please, print this out.  Buy it.  Write it down.  Read it.  Reread it.  Then, read it again.  The things that you tell yourself are lies.  These are the Truths of what God tells us.  He created me (us) to bring Him joy.  We bring Him joy by simply breathing in and out.  He shows us so much grace, mercy, love, and forgiveness.

I’m going to start by getting back into the Word.  Also, I found great peace when I kept my prayer journal.  Every day, I would date it, write 5 things I was thankful for, and then 5 things that were a prayer concern.  As things were answered…whether the answer I wanted or not…I would highlight/date/write the answer.  Over time, I would be able to flip back through and visually see how the Lord works, even if I don’t “feel” it or “see” it.

Over Time

I would branch out.  You can’t be in the pit of despair, as Anne Shirley would say if you are reaching out and praying for others.  From time to time, I reach out and am able to focus on others instead of myself or my current situation.

So, today I begin.  When will you begin?

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Books

Night by Elie Wiesel

Night by Elie Wiesel

Night by Elie Wiesel

Gracious, this book, Night by Elie Wiesel is one that I struggle with reading but love.  It is a simple read and it is not very long.  But.  Just but.  It is packed with horror, devotion, beauty, fear, and survival.

Elie’s story is so heart wrenching.  The thought of my son, who is now at the age Elie was when he was taken to the concentration camp at Auschwitz, makes my heart sink.  You read about the ebbs and flows of his physical and mental state.  The devotion to his father and the yearning of his mother’s hands on his face.  He kept a picture of his sister, Tzipora, etched in his mind.

Trauma

The massive amounts of physical trauma that he endured, yet the parts that stand out to me are the prisoners who were hanged.  It wasn’t enough for the SS officers to shoot them, they had to hang them, as well.  Man, woman, child.  I cannot imagine the images that were burned in his head.

How Does One Survive?

Seriously, how did he survive?  Starvation.  Malnutrition.  Lice.  Issues with his feet.  The beatings.  Watching his beloved father be beaten.  Listening to his dad die and wondering what kind of God would allow this horror.  That is what the Holocaust was…a horror that occurred in this world.  All because someone is Jewish, they were hated.

Deep Hatred

How does one man, Hitler, have such a deep hatred for the Jews?  Honestly, how did he come to such power to have so much influence to create such chaos?  I will never know but I can certainly pray that it will never repeat itself.

Holocaust

We have been to the Holocaust Museum in DC and for as many people that were there, you could hear a pin drop.  No one spoke, at all.  People calmly and quietly filed through room after room, just taking it all in.  We will never know the magnitude of the sites, smells, and events because we were not there.  Yet, this museum honors the people who suffered and died with walls upon walls of pictures.

Thoughts

This is a book that everyone should read.  Also, The Tattooist of Auschwitz and The Hiding Place.  Anne Frank is a good book, though I have not read it in years.  That may be my next one!  By reading these books, you are supporting the authors and their families.  It also gives you a better understanding of racism and hate at its core.

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From the Outside Looking In

Scripture

Psalm 24 & 25

Psalm 24 & 25

Psalm 24 & 25

Psalm 24

The earth is the Lord’s, and everything in it.
    The world and all its people belong to him.
For he laid the earth’s foundation on the seas
    and built it on the ocean depths.

Who may climb the mountain of the Lord?
Who may stand in his holy place?
Only those whose hands and hearts are pure,
who do not worship idols
and never tell lies.
They will receive the Lord’s blessing
and have a right relationship with God their savior.
Such people may seek you
and worship in your presence, O God of Jacob.

Section 2

Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
Who is the King of glory?
The Lord, strong and mighty;
the Lord, invincible in battle.
Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
10 Who is the King of glory?
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies—
he is the King of glory.

Psalm 25

Lord, I give my life to you.
    I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
    or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
    but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

Show me the right path, O Lord;
    point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God who saves me.
    All day long I put my hope in you.

Section 2

Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
    which you have shown from long ages past.
Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
    Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
    for you are merciful, O Lord.

The Lord is good and does what is right;
    he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
He leads the humble in doing right,
    teaching them his way.
10 The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
    all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.

11 For the honor of your name, O Lord,
    forgive my many, many sins.

Section 3

12 Who are those who fear the Lord?
    He will show them the path they should choose.
13 They will live in prosperity,
    and their children will inherit the land.
14 The Lord is a friend to those who fear him.
    He teaches them his covenant.
15 My eyes are always on the Lord,
    for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies.

16 Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress.
17 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all!
18 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins.
19 See how many enemies I have
    and how viciously they hate me!
20 Protect me! Rescue my life from them!
    Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge.
21 May integrity and honesty protect me,
    for I put my hope in you.

22 O God, ransom Israel
    from all its troubles.

Thoughts

Well, I made it to the end with Psalm 24 & 25.  I have posted all of Psalm and Proverbs.  Most of the Scripture, I added my thoughts or what they were speaking to me.  I tried to italicize the Scripture part and then post my thoughts in regular font.

This has been a good series for me.  Honestly, I am the only one who goes through and rereads what I write.  This is a therapy for me.  If someone stumbles on my blog, I pray it blesses you!

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Scripture

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

Psalm 23.  This is a well-known passage of Scripture.  It is well-loved and well-read by many pastors and believers.  May you find beauty and comfort during your dark times that He is with you.  He is with you now and forever until you see Him face to face in heaven!  Oh, what a day that I will be!  Be blessed in all that you do.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
    I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
    he leads me beside peaceful streams.
    He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
    bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will not be afraid,
    for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
    protect and comfort me.
You prepare a feast for me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You honor me by anointing my head with oil.
    My cup overflows with blessings.
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me
    all the days of my life,
and I will live in the house of the Lord
    forever.

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Faith

Blessed Assurance

Blessed Assurance

Blessed Assurance

This hymn, Blessed Assurance, was sung yesterday by our praise and worship team, at church.  I love old hymns.  We do not sing them often and when we do, it is played with instrumentation.  My old soul truly loves the piano and the hymn.

I was quite surprised that this one came up to sing.  We had Hunter in the service with us because we are trying to keep him as contained as possible from the cooties that are so freely shared amongst kids his age.  He had been standing by Bart and then wanted me to hold him.

Now, he is almost 50 lbs. so he is a bit heavy for me, yet, I held him for as long as I could.  Then, while we were still singing, I sat down and we rocked while this song permeated my soul.  He had his little head on my shoulder and he was playing with my ponytail.  Such a precious moment that I wanted to soak up.

This Song

I have sung 1005 times over the course of my life.  I know it by heart and I sing it just like I was taught when I was younger, sitting by my mama in “her pew” at church.  However, my season of life has ebbed and flowed since I was a child.  There have been lots of things that have happened throughout the last 40 years.  Honestly, it has been a long time since I have heard this song being sung.

As I Listened…Things Happened Within Me

There was a peace.  Not just any peace.  It was a blessed assurance type of peace.  See, I’ve been so angry over so many things.  I mask my anger with laughter and lightness.  Or, occasionally I mask it with organizing or cleaning.  There was no masking anything right now.  I feel like I see it all so clearly.

Here I am, sitting with my son whom I was told would “succumb” to his illness and there was nothing that could be done for him.  Then next to him, I sat next to my #2 daughter who is struggling with finding herself, finding her truth, and direction.  She is excited and scared and ready for a certain journey.

Next to her sat my #6 son

Who is struggling to fit in because he was born to not fit into any box.  He is deaf with a magnetic in his head.  Sadly, he is perceived as rude or disrespectful, or absentminded because he cannot hear you, yet he doesn’t announce it.  He struggles with wearing his hearing aid because he is made fun of.  To add an element of fun, he has been bullied and had some racist remarks made to him.  Recently, he was diagnosed with narcolepsy which comes with a whole nother set of issues.

Next to him was daughter #3.

She is angry all the time.  There is so much that she wants but does not have the capability to stick with it unless I micromanage her life.  She does not want me doing that, so she is stuck.  Desperately, she wants to be loved and heard and do all the things that kids do her age.  Sadly, her mental capabilities prevents a lot of that dynamic. Everything is one or two steps late but she will eventually catch up, she just wants it all NOW.

Then we have, sitting next to her, our #5 child.

He is struggling with fitting in, being appropriate, remembering anything, confabulation, yielding to peer pressure and getting punished and “earmarked” for that yielding.  He has no clue who he is or the direction he is going in.  Honestly, he just knows that he is angry and jealous.

Behind us was #4 child with his female friend.

Again, he is searching, struggling in areas.  Learning how to grow up and act the age he is.  Wanting more than what he can afford or have.  He is wanting those freedoms but not at the price that is set forth for him to get them.  Trying to find his place in the life choices he is making for his future.  This is tough stuff.

His female friend is getting her feet wet in independence and learning some tricks of the trade.  She is making hard decisions about her future in a month that is very difficult for her and her family.  Sadly, she is missing parts of her family and there is just a lot of layers to unfold with her.

Lest We Not Forget #1 Child and her Male Person

Things are better with them, but still lots of communication growth required.  So much learning in that first year of marriage.  There are some medical issues cropping up and boundary issues that need to be addressed.  Big life decisions that are being discussed.  Just a whole lot of everything.

As I Sat

I realized how angry I was that we were “still” dealing with the things that we deal with on a daily basis.  We have children with special needs (remember that phrase.  It is NOT special needs children…they are CHILDREN first!)  Yet, we have the same issues day in and day out.  It’s like I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day all day long, every day.

Anger is fear and/or sadness.  I am fearful about their futures and what will happen.  Honestly, I am sad that a few of my children may have a limited future due to their specific needs.  It hurts my heart because I cannot eloquently explain all the reasons.  They simply do not understand.

But Today,

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine…..this is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long….. As  I was holding him, that phrase stopped my singing and before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face.  All of this insanity around me IS my STORY.  It IS my SONG.  This STORY and SONG was written specifically for me before God created anything.  He knew me, my life from beginning to end, the children, the needs, and He perfectly wrote the lyrics to my SONG.

I have been singing my song out of tune for a lot of years but today, I felt myself finally singing in tune with this beautiful hymn because I had a glimpse of understanding.  There was a moment where I thought this is my purpose.

Now

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this knowledge.  Hopefully, the Lord will continue to press this into me and I will glean more from this epiphany that I truly felt like I had had today in church.  Always, I ask for prayers for my children and my husband.  Now, I ask for prayer for me to fully understand and discern this thought that is traveling through my brain.

Lyrics

 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! O what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of his Spirit, washed in his blood. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long. Perfect submission, perfect delight, Visions of rapture now burst on my sight; Angels descending bring from above Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long.

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Psalm 22

Psalm 20 & 21

From the Outside Looking In

Scripture

Psalm 22

Psalm 22

Psalm 22

Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
    Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
    Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
Our ancestors trusted in you,
and you rescued them.
They cried out to you and were saved.
They trusted in you and were never disgraced.

 

Section 2

But I am a worm and not a man.
    I am scorned and despised by all!
Everyone who sees me mocks me.
    They sneer and shake their heads, saying,
“Is this the one who relies on the Lord?
    Then let the Lord save him!
If the Lord loves him so much,
    let the Lord rescue him!”

Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb
    and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
10 I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
    You have been my God from the moment I was born.

11 Do not stay so far from me,
for trouble is near,
and no one else can help me.

Section 3

12 My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls;
fierce bulls of Bashan have hemmed me in!
13 Like lions they open their jaws against me,
roaring and tearing into their prey.
14 My life is poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart is like wax,
melting within me.
15 My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.
16 My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs;
an evil gang closes in on me.
They have piercedmy hands and feet.
17 I can count all my bones.
My enemies stare at me and gloat.
18 They divide my garments among themselves
and throw dicefor my clothing.

 

Section 4

19 Lord, do not stay far away!
    You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!
20 Save me from the sword;
    spare my precious life from these dogs.
21 Snatch me from the lion’s jaws
    and from the horns of these wild oxen.

22 I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters.
I will praise you among your assembled people.
23 Praise the Lord, all you who fear him!
Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob!
Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
He has not turned his back on them,
but has listened to their cries for help.

 

Section 5

25 I will praise you in the great assembly.
    I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
26 The poor will eat and be satisfied.
    All who seek the Lord will praise him.
    Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
27 The whole earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to him.
    All the families of the nations will bow down before him.
28 For royal power belongs to the Lord.
    He rules all the nations.

29 Let the rich of the earth feast and worship.
    Bow before him, all who are mortal,
    all whose lives will end as dust.
30 Our children will also serve him.
    Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord.
31 His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born.
    They will hear about everything he has done.

Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago, there was a family that I happened to run across on Instagram.  Apparently, they are a YouTube family, though I have never seen their videos.  Anyway, this mama is a bonus mom of 1 and then she had 4 sons.  Her youngest son was put down for a nap, the day after Christmas (I believe) and when she went to check on him, he was not breathing.

In the next few days, they ask for prayers for their 3 mth old baby.  Sadly, that baby left this Earth and joined our Father, in heaven.  This family, from all accounts, are believers, yet that mama is so angry with God.  Listen, I get it!  I put my son down for a nap and when he woke up, our lives were changed forever.

My heart simply aches.

Like aches to the point of I don’t even know what to pray and “sorry” seems so trivial.  I mean, I don’t even know these people but this is breaking my heart.  Guys, people are being SO mean in the comments.  This family…they are living in a nightmare and they read all these horrible things.

I’m just gonna say this now…I know no one or their family will ever read my blog, but if you ever find yourself looking into someone’s nightmare this is some advice.  Shut the hell up!

Just shut up.

If you can’t be nice, kind, show sympathy or empathy, or are just an asshole, then keep your opinions to your freaking self!  Do not say “well, if you had not vaccinated, if you had done this or that it wouldn’t have happened.”  For real…shut up!  That child is a child of the King.  His life was already written and glory will happen in this story. For the love of all that is good and holy…if you don’t have something nice to say then do not speak.

My prayers, though not eloquent go out to the Leach family in the loss of their sweet Crew.  May the Prince of Peace wrap His arms around you and comfort you all in this horrific time.

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Scripture

Psalm 20 & 21

Psalm 20 & 21

Psalm 20 & 21

Psalm 20

In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry.
    May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm.
May he send you help from his sanctuary
    and strengthen you from Jerusalem.
May he remember all your gifts
    and look favorably on your burnt offerings. 

May he grant your heart’s desires
    and make all your plans succeed.
May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory
    and raise a victory banner in the name of our God.
May the Lord answer all your prayers.

Now I know that the Lord rescues his anointed king.
    He will answer him from his holy heaven
    and rescue him by his great power.
Some nations boast of their chariots and horses,
    but we boast in the name of the Lord our God.
Those nations will fall down and collapse,
    but we will rise up and stand firm.

Give victory to our king, O Lord!
Answer our cry for help.

Psalm 21

How the king rejoices in your strength, O Lord!
    He shouts with joy because you give him victory.
For you have given him his heart’s desire;
    you have withheld nothing he requested. 

You welcomed him back with success and prosperity.
    You placed a crown of finest gold on his head.
He asked you to preserve his life,
    and you granted his request.
    The days of his life stretch on forever.
Your victory brings him great honor,
    and you have clothed him with splendor and majesty.
You have endowed him with eternal blessings
    and given him the joy of your presence.

Section 2

For the king trusts in the Lord.
    The unfailing love of the Most High will keep him from stumbling.

You will capture all your enemies.
    Your strong right hand will seize all who hate you.
You will throw them in a flaming furnace
    when you appear.
The Lord will consume them in his anger;
    fire will devour them.
10 You will wipe their children from the face of the earth;
    they will never have descendants.
11 Although they plot against you,
    their evil schemes will never succeed.
12 For they will turn and run
    when they see your arrows aimed at them.
13 Rise up, O Lord, in all your power.
    With music and singing we celebrate your mighty acts.

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