Quotes

When Feeling Angry Ask Yourself These Things

When Feeling Angry Ask Yourself These Things

Plans are a Good Thing

We have a current trigger that we are all aware of at the present moment. My goal tomorrow is to divulge that trigger to a few of this child’s therapists. Goal? I want to ensure they know what we are dealing with so that compassion, grace, and love can be present. Also, we are starting a new medication that might help (or make him worse; it’s 50/50).

Instead of this week, I’ve made arrangements for a friend to homeschool this child throughout the summer to help with the process of “catching up” in school before he starts his second first day of second grade.

Plans. We have them.

Behaviors

So, here are the questions presented to me. Let’s see if I can dissect them and determine my problem. I need to know how to address this problem with my therapist so I can not be in the way of my child’s healing. It is all so complicated. It’s a lot of information.

Let’s Break it Down.

  • What need is not being met?

A need not being met in him or me. In me, the need to be in control and control a situation. I should disengage, as my sister says. Ignore. Have appropriate discipline, if needed, and let my husband bear the child-rearing responsibilities.

This child (in my opinion) doesn’t feel heard. It feels like his feelings are validated. He is also a product of his environment before us. He has seen a lot of chaos with another child and has taken on that role. Nothing is said or done that is “fair” to him. He sits in the wrong seat, has the lousy cup, doesn’t want to do this, or doesn’t want to. Sadly, flatly refuse to make simple requests.

  • What boundary is being crossed?

The boundary from parent to child is just a simple lack of respect. There is no desire to listen. The limit might be that he wants what he wants, when and how he wants it done. That isn’t practical.

  • What do I wish to express at this moment?

I wish I had expressed understanding of the situation and corrected him accordingly. He wanted to say his desire to have a do-over and eat with everyone else. Have whatever he wants to eat, even if it is something I didn’t make.

  • How can I express myself in a way that will be authentic to who I am and not merely a reaction?

This quote about life, or rather this quote about anger, has me thinking. Sometimes, I can shake it off. Other times, I can let my husband deal with it and realize that I don’t have to be in every situation.

I first need to figure out who I am to express myself that is authentic to who I am. I know WHOSE I am but not who I am. Is that the same person? I don’t know. What I do know is that this heat is driving me insane. Having to pay for another unit whenever it arrives will be torture. I’m mad that the pool people have not been out or answered their phones.

This moment shall pass. It might pass like a kidney stone the size of Montana.

 

Quotes

Ooh That is a Toughy

Ooh That is a Toughy

Ooh That is a Toughy

Ooh, That is a Toughy. Again, some of these quotes get me 25 kinds of stirred up. So, let’s dive into this one. I’m not sure if I can think about this enough, but it is a good reminder when someone you love is a jackass. That was tacky, wasn’t it…

Quote of the Moment

“An unhealed person can find offense in pretty much anything someone does. A healed person understands that the actions of others have nothing to do with them. Each day you get to decide which one you will be.” ~Unknown~

Wow. Wow. Wow.

Have I encountered this or what?! I would guess most people have had situations like this occur. The only way this would not happen in someone’s life is if they were a hermit and lived with cats.

Maybe I should live with cats…I do love them.

Am I healed? Oh, hell no. Am I on the road to healing? Yes. I am learning through prayer, the wisdom of a few people, and lots of reading and learning also therapy. I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control my reactions.

That’s a hard lesson to learn, especially when you are in the heat of a moment.

Grace Upon Grace

I think, in some situations, I’m “graced out,” so I’m thankful that there is a God and that he never is “graced out.” I know I need it. I know that I need to extend it. I need to realize that when someone lashes out, it is their demons they are fighting…I just happen to be standing there and vice versa.

I’m not immune to being an idiot. Saint is not under my strengths. This is where I have to have the ear of those I know who love me and have the best in mind for me. They can tell me when I’m stupid. Does it hurt my feelings? Hell, yes, but once I simmer down, I can see their truth and how hard it must have been for them to tell me where I screw up.

Today, I can say that I don’t have grace. I don’t have forgiveness in my heart. I don’t. Guess what? That is OKAY! I don’t have to have those things today. I can be mad, hurt, angry, sad, disappointed, or scared, but the Lord is the Redeemer of all those things. He will make glory come from all those bad feelings. Grace will happen. Love will happen. Forgiveness will happen.

I won’t always choose to be and feel all those things. God will clear it up and clear it out. He will not let me stew in these emotions. Clarity will rise, and it will all be okay.

Someday.

 

Quotes

Silence with a Side of Stirring

Silence with a Side of Stirring

Silence with a Side of Stirring

Silence with a Side of Stirring is the only phrase I can use to make sense of what is going on in my mind. There is SO much I want to say. In saying that, I stay silent for fear of judgment, isolation, retaliation, and so much more. People need to realize that if someone is quiet, don’t mistake that silence for ignorance, apathy, or stupidity. I have not been silent for any of those reasons.

This season or the new year, I have been reading many books. I read books on the Holocaust because the resilience of the Jewish people and the Gypsies inspire me. They rise in the face of such pain, trauma, starvation, and so much more. I have also been reading about trauma, making peace with your past, working through unforgiveness, and so much more. In March, I only read a couple more books and started a few more. I intend on finishing those I started and working through my library.

My goal is to work through some of the things. In my mind, questions, comments, and statements have been made. These things have been obtained by the authors of the books I’ve been reading. There are still some things I am processing through, and I must stop and mull some statements over.

Quote

I read something on Instagram (of all places) that says, “A history of trauma will have you mistaking peace for boredom.” That is where I have found myself. I have gone from many children in my home to a few, which is strange. It is a strange feeling to hear myself think or breathe. Everything that surrounds me and everyone is loud. I have a lot of people in my life, and I love the noise of the laughter, discussions, and busyness.

Now, it isn’t so busy. I have married children, children in college, and then those at home. It’s quiet. Painfully so. In that quietness has come peace. A peace I never thought I would experience in my lifetime. I thought my days would have a shorter number because of the constant state of stress that I lived under.

Don’t get me wrong, there is still stress, stressors, medical issues, and some busyness, but not near what I was experiencing. For instance, today, we are down a vehicle on spring break; one kid is having surgery, another has obligations, a mom that needs to see my face due to severe health issues, and phone calls to be made.

I feel like I need to go back to work or volunteer or do something. My days are spent resting (quite literally) and reading; sometimes, I binge-watch television, clean, organize, and cook. After school lets out, it gets hectic with homework and running kids from here to there. Also, I keep my sweetness on 2 days a week, so she completely occupies my time.

Peace vs. Boredom

Webster’s Dictionary defines PEACE as “a state of tranquility or quiet, freedom from disquieting or oppressive thoughts or emotions, harmony in personal relations .” On the other hand, BOREDOM is defined as “the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest.”

Basically, what I thought of as being “bored” is actually the definition of “peace.” That is so weird, and it is even stranger to feel. I am not weary, restless, or lacking interest in things. I just feel funny with the silence and no fires to put out. For so long, that’s what I did. I would get up in the morning, fill up my water pistol, walk downstairs into hell, and put the fires out at my feet. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn mode is the state(s) that I lived in for years.

I don’t have that anymore. It’s like, “now what?” What do I do with myself? It is quiet. I only do one load of laundry a day. There are not 5 dogs barking in the house, no 30 cats waiting to come in and eat, no chickens to feed/collect from, no drama, no fighting, no hospital stays, nothing.

I find myself, randomly, breaking into a fit of tears over nothing and everything all at the same time. It’s like my body is releasing all the tension that has been collected for the last 16 years. I don’t think I go a day without crying randomly. All things are triggers. I am beginning to allow myself to feel for the first time in a long, long time.

Revelations and Realizations

This past weekend, I could visit with all my children at one point and way or another. It was a bittersweet feeling knowing they were all so close, yet not all under my roof. I wasn’t sure how I would handle one visit. My son and I had a great conversation, and I revel in how our relationship has changed. It is so good, and it forces a communication we both longed for but didn’t know how to achieve. We are slowly gaining it, and I’m so thankful and proud of the young man he is becoming.

Another son came, and we had a deep conversation. The conversation that we typically have via the phone but this time, I got to see his face, and he saw mine. Sometimes that is so needed. I look at him in awe of where he is in life and that he is growing up and making some good (and bad) adult decisions but is trying to do his best. That’s all I could ever ask for. We had fun running around town.

My girls (2 of them) could come over, and we enjoyed our grandbaby and soon-to-be grandbaby. We laughed, ate, messed up, and gobbed for a long time. It was so lovely. My adult children are coming into their own in what they like and don’t like. They are such good wives and moms. I love it. I also love that I have their significant others to help do some things around my house…cook…and just let me be me and love me regardless. It must be hard coming into a family like mine. Bless them.

Bart and I met up with our third daughter. We hadn’t seen her in a while, and she was able to come down. We met and gave her some of her treasures. We were able to finally find them while unpacking ALL the boxes from our move. That has been a thing…so hard and emotional to go through them all (and there were so many). I could find most of what she had been looking for, and we got her some groceries and snack foods for her trip back to where she stays. I said the things that were on my heart, and I was able to hug her.

Relearning How to Do Life

Not too long ago, Bart told me that I had to trim down my cooking. I’m used to cooking for 10 or more people. I don’t think I have ever cooked small. I can make a casserole out of leftovers. Shelf-cooking is a daily happening. I don’t need much to feed a ton of people. Yet, I can’t figure out how to cook for just a few.

The other night, I made a ham, turkey, bacon, and potato type of concoction (needing to use a lot of 1/2 packages in my fridge and pantry). I thought I was doing good. Then, I realized I had enough to fill up 3 13×9 dishes :/ I kid you not. There was a 1/2 package of turkey, 1/2 a pound of bacon, 1/2 of a thing of Ky Legend Ham, about 6 potatoes, some leftover spinach, you get the point. So, we ate on that for a week. I froze the whole last one (we are having that tonight). Honestly, I can’t cook for a few.

Can anyone relate to this? I can leave the house for 1 hour to run to the store, which is okay. We are considering downsizing our vehicle because one kid is close to being able to afford a car, the other is getting ready for his permit, and then our youngest…well, we have to cart him around.

So strange.

What I Can/Cannot Control.

I am learning that I can’t control other people’s words, actions, or thoughts. What I can control are my reactions. If something seems “off,” I can make phone calls and find out the truths that help soothe my soul. I can’t control if someone is being honest, but let me tell you, it is easier to remember the fact than to remember what lie you told what person. That has to be hard to come up with. I’m at peace, regardless.

What some people say and how others are so easily manipulated is unfortunate. People I have known for a lifetime believe all the bad things without stopping to think, “is what is being said indicative of the last XXX I have known this person?” If it doesn’t match up, use your words with that person, not gossiping or assuming. It really is that simple.

So much to say, but my boy baby is on his way home. He had to have a procedure. For now, he needs my attention. Peace. I am at peace. I am not bored and do not need to fill up my life with unnecessary crap. This is a season for healing…once I’m healed, the Lord will guide me to my next project.

 

Quotes

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

“I love when somebody says about a woman, ‘Oh, she’s too much.  She’s too much for me.”  Too much of what?  Too much of an opinion?  She laughs too loudly?  Stands too tall?  Takes up too much space?  What would be the right amount and not too much?  She’d have to be less.  That’s what you are saying.  You’re saying BE LESS, if she’s too much.  You know what I think?  I think she should not give a f*ck about what you think about her.”  ~ Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

All the Feels

Oh, does this give me all the feels inside? I have been told a lot of things throughout my life. I am too loud and opinionated, and I can’t Biblically submit to my husband because I’m too “Type A.” I have been told that no one will ever take me seriously because I ask questions or because my hair is pink (currently purple).

For the last two years, I have been told that I am not a good mom because of those above traits and that I shouldn’t raise my children. I should quiet down, conform, be SMALL, be LESS THAN, fit in, don’t make waves, SHUT UP.

Shrinking

So, that is what I have done. I’ve stayed home. I have shrunk back, slept a lot, eaten a lot, cried, hid, allowed people to walk all over me, spoken to me in ways I would never let them before, and so many other things.

I think it truly hit me when I was getting ready to go on a little day trip to see some family. For the first time, I did my hair and put on makeup. I wore something that covered 95% of my tattoos and looked the part. It was very much something that a woman, my age, would wear, and it didn’t call attention to me at all. I even wore authentic shoes. Then, we arrived, and I sat in a corner and smiled as I should. I spoke when I was told to and quietly filled the smallest space known to man.

The fact that I wore shoes didn’t faze anyone in that room but three people. They commented on it because they expected me to wear something that was me. I said I didn’t want to do that because I wanted not to embarrass anyone. I just wanted to blend.

Words of Love and Wisdom

My sister, her face, she loves me. She asked why you would want to blend in. We wanted you here for who you are and not for any other reason. She loves me for me. All of me. The sparkly, glittery, tattoo-y, purple-haired human that I am.

See, I didn’t want to stand tall. When I draw attention to myself, I tend to get judgemental looks and words from others. Words that cut me down and did not lift me. Actions that forever change the course of my life and not in a good way. I wanted to shrink and be so small yet be there because I love these people and show my support.

Her words have been bouncing around in my head ever since. Then, I heard this quote, and it all began to fall into place. I am NOT too much. I am ALLOWED to take up space. I am BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY created. These ADULT BULLIES will not stop me from being who I am. I have allowed them to take up TOO MUCH of my brain space, and enough is enough.

I Am

I am going to have purple hair.

I am going to get more tattoos.

I am going to swear occasionally.

I am fluffy.

I am amazing.

I am good.

I am a DAMN GOOD mom.

I am an AMAZING wife.

I am beautiful.

I am creative.

I am feminine.

I am worthy.

I am a child of the King.

Love Yourself

For those that are reading this, you are those things as well! Be chunky and wear a crop top if you want. Wear glittery things. Color your hair. Be loud, have opinions, and love those with differing opinions because that is what we are called to do. I have a couple of good friends that are my opposites.

Guess what?

I love that we are! I learn from them, respect them, and love them. Whether you are big, tiny, old, young, middle-aged, atheist, your sexual orientation, or your family dynamics. I love them all. I have no desire to judge any of you because I have been judged for far too long.

My tribe may be the size of the “period” at the end of the sentence, but they are faithful and true. We can have great discussions and not agree, yet we can still love each other. That is because we allow each other to stand tall, be seen, take up space, and be themselves.

Ooooh.

ALL. THE. FEELS.

 

 

Quotes

Perspective from Mr. Rogers

Perspective from Mr. Rogers

Perspective from Mr. Rogers

 

Here is some Perspective from Mr. Rogers from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.  This is what to do when you overreact and have regret.  “Many people have asked me do you ever get mad and of course I answer “well yes, everyone gets mad sometimes.”  The important thing is what we do with the mad that we feel in life.

A few weeks ago coming home from a particularly tough day at work, I stopped to see my two grandsons.  Their mom and dad weren’t there but the boys were there with the babysitter in the backyard, squirting water with hoses.  I could see that they were really having fun.  but I felt that I needed to let them know that I didn’t want to be squirted.

Do Not Squirt Me

So I told them so, and little by little, I could feel that the older boy, Alexander, was testing the limit until finally, his hose was squirting very close to where I was standing.  I said to him in my harshest voice, Okay, that’s it alexander turn off the water, you’ve had it.

He did as I told him and said he was sorry and looked very sad.  The more I thought about it, the sadder I got.  I realized Alexander had not squirted me.  That I had stepped into his and his brother’s playtime with a lot of feelings leftover from work.

Guilt

So when I got home, I called Alexander, on the phone.  I told him I felt awful about my visit with him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I was taking out my anger from work on him.  I told him I was really sorry.

Do you know how he answered me?  Oh, Baba, everybody makes mistakes sometimes.  I nearly cried.  I was so touched by his naturally generous heart.  I realized that if I hadn’t called him, I might not have ever received that wonderful gift of Alexander’s sweet forgiveness.”

 

Depression, Medical Issues, Quotes

Redeem Me, Lord

Redeem Me, Lord

Redeem Me, Lord

 

What started as excitement
Lent its way to anxiety
Everyone fighting with resentment
I, wanting nothing more than privacy

Privacy comes at a price
It comes with the monster in the night
I want to be alone and play nice
But the monster is a fright

It taunts me and haunts me
All the days of my life
The monster hides inside me
He is ready to destroy all of the sources of my life.

Please leave me be and take your fighting
Mind, please settle down and be calm
I can’t take much more hiding
Its time to settle this qualm

I sit in silence and cry
Over the losses of the past
I can’t seem to shake the past off, but I try
Losing comes too fast

Redeem me, Lord, with your promises
Here is my earnest plea
Please save me from this monster
Please save me from me

 

Depression, Faith Journey, Medical Issues, Quotes

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back is one of the first videos I saw on TikTok.  This, well, it gave me chills.  Every time I hear/read it, I have the same experience.  Sarah Jakes Robert amazingly delivered this sermon.

“Get Your Fight Back” by Sarah Jakes Robert

It is titled “Get your fight back.”

Girl, get your power back.

~Girl, start acting like you are a king’s daughter, and that there has always been a crown attached to your head.

Even when I was sick I was still His. Even when I was dead, I was still His.

Do you know who I am?

I am a child of the highest God.

He has kept me alive so that I can be a testimony to everyone attached to me.

Get Up: There is No Hold on You

Girl, you can get up again.

And Girl addiction can’t have you.

Girl divorce gotta let you go.

Get up girl, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up again.

Girl Depression gotta let you go.

And Girl anxiety has to lose its hold.

I’m pleading for you to get up.

My daughter needs to see you get up.

And My sister needs to you get up.

Get up, Get up.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up again,  I gotta get up again.

Get Your Prophecy

God’s you just sent a word, And now I know I need to get up again.

Something died on the inside of me, but I feel my spirit coming back.

I feel my power coming back and my ideas.

And I feel these dry bones shaken and coming back to life.

I’m getting up, I’m getting up.

I’m getting in position.

And I’m tired of crying about it.

I’m tired of fighting about it.

So I’m getting in the position.

Girl, You gotta get up.

I’m getting up for my daughter, I’m getting up for my sister, I’m getting up for my kids, I don’t even have them yet, but I was getting up for them too.

And I’m getting up for my community and marriage.

Gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

Jesus, you’ve been chasing me too long.

I’m here and I surrender.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

The bitterness you got to Let me go.

Death, You can’t have me.

I gotta get up.

Honestly, I gotta find my joy.

I’ve got to find my peace.

I Gotta find my spirit again.

My friend made me who I am, my spirit got me into this.

And My spirit is gonna get me out, My spirit is going to get me out of it.

I got my Spirit back.

God touch me, God overflow.

I need your spirit, I’m hungry for it, I’m desperate for it.

God help me up.

Who You Need to Let Know

Let Hell hear you.

And Let the Depression hear you.

Let the enemy know.

And Let death know.

Spirit

The spirit is coming back to me.

This spirit, what spirit?

The Holy Spirit, the Name that is above all Names.

Yes. When we call on that Name things happen.

That’s what I’m calling on.

What I need

Your Spirit.

Jesus, I need your power.

Your healing.

Get Who You Are Back

The King of kings.

Lord of lords.

You are the way maker.

My healer.

What I Call You

Excellent.

Wonderful.

Magnificent.

Jehovah Jairus.

Jehovah

What I Say

You can have control.

I surrender.

Make a way.

Nothing is off limits

I say God touch me as only you can do.

God give me power.

Help me forgive.

I say God Cleanse me from bitterness.

Sermon Video and Full Transcript of Sarah Jakes Robert

Girl Get Up

Beyond my Cross

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faith Journey, Quotes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

“True Beauty”

Do You think that a California girl is supposed to have curls and wear a jean size 3?
All the curves in all the right places, spray tanned faces like on TV?
And we read in the gospel of Vogue that we’re all supposed to dress and move and be
Visions of perfection
Such a misconception
‘Cause the real connection is deeper than the eye can see

This reminds me of a post that I wrote about the little squares of life.  We do use social media to compare ourselves to others.  Anyone can control what they specifically present to the world.  What you don’t see is the chaos behind the phone and in the background.

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Aw, Psalm 139, about how God created us.  If you haven’t read it, you should!

World Versus Truth

Don’t know much about Dolce and Gabbana
Seems like a lot of drama to me
And you can keep all your red high heels
And open-toed shoes – I’m good in my bare feet
Lets get down to the nitty gritty
Enough sex and the city
What about purity?
Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that’s burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see

Purity is a rarity these days.  How sad is that?  It is such a slippery slope when you fall in “lust” with someone else.  Even if that someone is your forever.  Everyone can fall prey to their emotions.  It is natural.  We just need to be wise, be held accountable, and don’t be alone with the opposite sex.  Saves a whole lot of hurt, even if you are engaged!

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Love and Peace

Doesn’t come in a bottle, doesn’t come in a box
You can’t spray it on, you can’t wash it off
You can’t nip and tuck, you can’t sew it up
So don’t waste your time
It’s the love in your heart, the peace in your soul
The hope in your smile lets the whole world know
This little light – you gotta let it shine

Love, peace, hope, smile, and shine are so important in your heart. These things can be so hard to accomplish. It can be challenging for a person who deals with mental illness. Honestly, we all need to work on having these attributes. I need to put sticky notes up that remind me of these things.

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

This song, True Beauty, is one that I have not heard in years. When this album came out, I bought it and listened to it faithfully. Then, life happened, and over the years, things got misplaced. I was working on my “Worship” playlist that I listen to often on Youtube. Shackles is a song I love. It is also by Mandisa. When searching for it, True Beauty came to the top of the list. Then, I found the album.

I thought that I would listen to it since I was working on my blog and feeling the urge to write. I heard this song, and it felt like warm water was poured over me. It speaks to me on a different level than it did when she released this song.

Events of Today

Today, I was ministering to a heartbroken young lady, and we talked about beauty from ashes Isaiah 61:3. It is one of my favorite verses. Her voice has been stifled for so long. She has been silenced from the abuse she experienced to what is to come—in her eyes, broken.

We talked about how the Lord has a purpose for all that went on and is going on. One day, she was going to find the strength to use her story to help others. She would, indeed, hold the hand of another and walk them through the ashes to help them find their beauty.

Encouragement

I hope that you find encouragement that you are not alone. You are loved beyond measure. Regardless of your past, current, or future circumstances, God loves you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! You have to do nothing to gain His love. Also, you can do nothing to lose His love. He loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day till He calls you home.