In Dearest Nana, my guest blogger uses her words to convey the love she has for her grandmother. They had a tight bond that this young girl misses, terribly.
The past six years of my life have been awful, and you not being here has made that even. You were my person, and you left me. I had to to deal with everything alone, and to be honest, I am sick of it. You were the glue that held the family together. Once you died everything changed. I wish I could put into words how much I miss you. Honestly, I know it is selfish, but I would give anything for you to be here with me. I feel like with life would be a better if you were here. Sadly, I miss my best friend, the one person I knew I could count on. I miss the person who was brutally honest to me.
Wish we could lay in bed and watch one more scary movie together. Or, I wish I could sleep in the bed with you one more time. I wish I could hear more stories from your childhood, I always enjoyed those. Furthermore, I want to. hear you try to pronounce “Aluminum” one last time. That was absolutely hilarious. I really took my time with you for granted.
I’m sorry I couldn’t heal you. I couldn’t make you feel better, I did everything I could. It’s important you know I did my best. I was young and I did the best I could. When you first got sick I prayed to God that you at least lived until I was Eleven. Two and a half months after my Eleventh birthday you died. That has haunted me since the day you died. I’m sorry. Losing you is one of the hardest things I have ever go through, and it’s a wound time will never heal.
Today, I am thankful for my granny. There has never been another person like her. She loved so completely. I miss her face, her hugs, and her love. Granny knew everything. I could come to her with anything and she would tell me what to do. When I was in the wrong, she was quick to correct me. Yes, I would cry and it would hurt my feelings, but in the end, she was right. Geez… I miss her.
Embarking on a New Month with new hopes and new challenges. My hope is that one pressing issue is resolved this month. I also have hope that this will be “drama” free holiday season. Honestly, I have not had one of those in about 13 years. It would be nice but I guess I am used to disappointment. Our challenges began last month and they are trickling into this month.
The Crystal Vase
I am listening to Broken Vessels by Hillsong right now and it is striking a chord within me. So many days, I feel like a shattered piece of glass. I was once a beautiful crystal vase. There was a purpose for me, I held water and beautiful flowers and made people happy. Now, over the last 5 or 6 years, my beautiful crystal self has been shattered and it is in a million pieces. Some pieces are large enough to glue together, though the cracks still show. The rest…well, it’s just dust. You can’t put dust back together.
That analogy is one I hold close to my heart and I think of often. It comes from a movie, Joshua, that is very old but it is so important in my life. Man cannot take the shards and dust of my former self and recreate who I was originally created to be. Yet, God, can take all those pieces and craft something unique, different, has purpose, and is worthy of being displayed.
Man, I am struggling tonight.
I have to drive to Louisville tomorrow with my sixth child. We are going to Norton’s Hospital to see if we can figure out what is wrong with him. I have such PTSD with this drive, the hospital, the doctor’s and it is hard for me to explain.
That is the 3rd place we took my 7th child too when he was finally diagnosed with Opsoclonus Myoclonus Syndrome. It has been 3 years and to me, it feels like yesterday. I can recite that first year like I am reading a book. It was so traumatic. Hearing the words “take your son home until he succumbs” haunts me, to this day.
So, tomorrow, I have to look down the barrel of that gun, once again, with another child. Waiting, wondering, listening, being talked at instead of talked too, the anxiety floods over me. I feel like my vase is being shattered all over again.
Not going to lie, I am overwhelmed with fear.
Being alone, navigating this all by myself, harboring feelings or hurt that my husband wasn’t with me, though I know he had to be hear to take care of our other children back then. Logically, I know that. Yet, that anger is still within me.
Anger is secondary to fear and/or sadness. I am afraid of not allowing myself to be vulnerable of showing too much emotion, asking the wrong things, feeling stupid by the “professional” doctors, and seeing that one that said my other son would die. Sadness, I feel, because I do not want to have another child with another “super rare” thing that he has to deal with.
I know that fear is a liar.
For real, I have the shirt that says that. **Hahaha, I’m listening to praise and worship on Youtube while I’m writing this and Fear is a Liar just came on LOL. Wow. Just wow.** It is even purple which is the color of Epilepsy. Yet, here’s the thing. We have been to see one doctor for his sleeping issues. Got there, did EEG, MRI, Sleep studies, bloodwork, etc. Was diagnosed with Idiopathic Hypersomnia.
In checking him for Transient Alteration of Reality, this doctor “accidentally” stumbled on Epilepsy. So then he had a diagnosis of Generalized Epilepsy with Gelastic Seizures and Absence seizures. He referred us to another neuro that works with teens for his Epilepsy and this same doctor would hand the IH. Nothing done, no education, just wait.
We get to the other doctor, did more bloodwork and another EEG. That showed that he was constantly having seizure like bursts. So he changed the diagnosis to Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy with Gelastic Seizures, Grand Mal Seizures, and Absence Seizures. Prescribed meds. No education, just wait.
Then…the grand mal seizures began.
ER visits. No help.
Phone calls. No answers.
Emails. No responses.
Got a second opinion.
She said everything we were told was wrong.
Alrighty then. She spent 1.5 hrs with us. Now, we have information overload.
She is throwing around words like ESES, LKS, CSWS and our heads are spinning.
“Get a medical id bracelet. Cook with a buddy on the back burner, do not swim alone, do not climb a ladder, when bathing, tell someone and keep door unlocked, driving may be an issue, this may not go away, we may have take the magnet out of his head, ….”
His new diagnosis is Idiopathic Generalized Epilepsy with Gelastic Seizures and Grand Mal Seizures. He does not have IH or Narcolepsy.
“Can you wake him up when he falls asleep?” Uhm, no…it usually leads to a long episode where he makes funny noises and makes fists and stiffens his body. “Oh, those are grand mal seizures without the convulsions.” Oh, well, okay then.
“Violent episodes where he seems possessed and looks different?” Yes. “Oh, that is a seizure.”
“Moody? Hysteria, tears, angry for no reason?” Yes. “Oh, those are seizures.”
“School…is he delayed in Language and Math?” Yes. “Yep, part of it.”
“Deaf?” Yes, in his right ear. “Also part of it.”
I am OVERWHELMED.
Going back to this hospital that sentenced my baby to death (yet he is fine now) and seeing all those same people make me so nervous. Our goal is to be home by Tuesday. Supposedly, we will not have to see that one doctor. Also, I was told we would not leave without a complete picture and plan. We shall see.
I am thankful that we were able to get into the hospital. Also, the doctor that I need to see if the one on call, so that is a positive. I am prepared. Big Daddy took care of little things like snacks, fixing my tire, and filling up my tank. Also, I’m thankful I have therapy tomorrow because I will need to use my words. What are you thankful for?
We are almost done for the year *insert angels singing.* With that being said (sung), this is the Theme for November. THANKFULNESS! September was an epically crappy month, followed by a way less stellar October. Honestly, January through now has been a real crapfest.
I have been struggling with anxiety and depression terribly this year, as most people have. Everything is moving at a snail’s pace. I feel as if I have been living in fear because of situations beyond my control. If it could happen, it has happened this year.
So For This Month
I want to continue with my guest blogger pieces. Honestly, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading them. Also, praying over these girls and their situations. I can see many things shifting in their lives and that is because they are releasing the control Satan has had on them. These girls are reclaiming their position of the King and are trusting in the process.
Secondly, I will be posting things that I am personally thankful for. It is easy to forget what to the thankful for when things are going good or bad because your mind is on other things. I want to stop and focus on all the things. From the smallest of smalls to the biggest of bigs.
I am thankful for Flash! We have discovered that Flash is a GIRL! My first grandbaby will be a girl. I am beside myself. She has 20 more weeks to go and then I get to sniff the hair off that baby. Also, I am thankful that her pregnancy has been relatively smooth and that my son-in-law is finally “getting it.” Bless his heart.
I challenge you to find a notebook, start a blog and keep a list of things that you are thankful for. It changes your heart and your perspective on all the things. The best part is that you stop focusing on the drama in your life and you place that energy of prayer on another life in order to make a difference.
In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials I have been walking through. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friends funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.
Writing this seems like a nightmare
I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement?
I am afraid
Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am afraid to take my child in the other room for fear that someone might think I am going to punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me?
Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. Honestly, I would put them on my own if it helps them and their future.
My kids are special
Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, there are others who have some physical issues that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. Tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine.
I love fiercely and I will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run myself ragged going in all different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in different clubs and organizations that my kids participate in. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on.
You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Everytime, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house.
Invitation then Betrayal
I invited you into my home which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me?
You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to play with. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.
How Would You Feel
You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them. They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you.
How would you feel?
I should hope so.
Because that is how I felt.
The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing that happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth.
How would you feel?
Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly be looking over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents that let their children run amuk and let them do whatever they want?
Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or if you had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know me or my son at all.
But you did know us.
I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called them. I thought I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I choose to let God be the judge of your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do.
Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I choose to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his Word.
My house may be messy sometimes and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is a house always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family.
Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent?
Because if you say no that is a bold faced lie. We fail daily at things but the key is to learn from those mistakes, move on, and leave the past behind us. With those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many many years as well). Two of them have graduated from college, with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.
One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at things that doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds.
The moments of pride I feel for the children that I raised surpasses the moments of sadness that I feel when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of me and my family.
So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event that they are in. And if you other mom’s judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to do. Even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Cruelty of Others
People can be so cruel nowadays and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt that is in their own eye. Words can definitely slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as mom’s and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight.
No, us mom’s are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and with the children that the Lord has blessed us with. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and for you.
And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come.
In the meantime
I will continue to be the most amazing mom to my kids and be a faithful spouse to my husband. Showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the World will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it. Not for you and not for any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me.
I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments is when I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid.
My Dearest Mother, you have caused me so much pain for the past ten years of my life. I cannot count how many times I have laid in bed at night and cried because of you. Sadly, I have cried because I was not good enough for you. I have cried because at the times I have needed you most, you were not here. Also, I have cried because when I have had a hard day at work or school, I cannot call you. It is so frustrating to me that you are so thickheaded that you cannot see what you did wrong. I have written you numerous letters in hopes that they would somehow reach you, and you would come to your senses.
Spoiler alert, you have not.
For years, I walked on eggshells just to be sure I did not hurt your feelings. At this point, I do not care. I am fed up with the lies you feed everyone. Imagine saying that your eleven-year-old daughter made up a story about how you locked your sick son up in his bedroom and would not give him food. Like, I did not just wake up one day and say ‘Hm, I think I want to make up this lie and make my mom look bad today.’ Imagine trying to blame you and your husband’s actions on CHILDREN. Honestly, I have not asked you for much, just for you to admit what you did and apologize.
I know that is something I will never get.
One time you told me you were raising us the way you wanted to be treated. That just does not make sense to me. Who wants to be sexually abused by their stepfather for years? Because I certainly did not. I did not want him to watch me every time I took a shower. Also, I did not want him to watch me get dressed. I did not want him to put his hand on my butt every time I stood remotely close to him. Furthermore, I did not want him to take me and my sister up to the garage that day and assault us. I did not want all this trauma you gave me. All I wanted was a mother.
At this point
I do not even try and wonder what my life would be like had you not met my stepdad because it tends to hurt my feelings. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Honestly, why? Why? Just why? I have so many questions for you, and I know I will not get a single answer. All I want, is a mom. Someone to look out for me, give me advice, and most importantly I just I want to experience a mother’s love.
Every night, when I pray, I pray that I am not like you. I pray that I never cause my children pain. Also, I pray that my kids will NEVER lay in bed at night crying because they feel I do not love them. I will be nothing like you, and that is a promise. Maybe one day you will come to your senses, but that is doubtful.
Memories with My Mom. The earliest memories I have of my mom is when she would rock me and sing silly old songs that would make me giggle. We would play hide and seek and we would sit outside on the glider and swing for a good long time.
Snuggles in the bed, playing with Barbie dolls, or watching me dress up about a million times just because. Riding our bikes down the dead end street and the car rides we would take to Granny’s house or Jojo’s house.
I love my mom.
She is the best kind of mom a kid could have. My mom and dad were strict but they made rules up for me to keep us in a structured house, and we always managed to have fun. She always took me to church on Sundays and then AWANA on Wednesdays, she homeschooled us for the longest time which I know at times must have been challenging for her with three kids.
We would always do fun things together as a family and we were all close. My mom always opened her home and heart to foster children and kids that we eventually adopted into our family which caused us to grow in numbers.
I must have made my mom’s life challenging at times because I was a considerably difficult child at times. There were a lot of things wrong in my life. Our relationship has hit lots of bumps in the road. I am very stubborn and not willing to try new things because Sadly, I am always afraid I will mess it up and embarrass myself.
She gave me so many things that I asked for (begged for) without hesitation because she knew I wanted it. I never truly appreciated all of her wisdom and knowledge because I always think my way is best and that I know what I am doing is right.
So many mistakes.
I have made so many mistakes. I have hurt my mother on more than one occasion, and yet she still loves me and she still forgives me. No matter what. I love my mom. I love her kind and gentle soul, her willingness to help others at a moments notice, the way she cooks with love and affection (she is the most amazing cook), how she is still in love with my dad after years of being married to him, the fact that she still loves me even after all that I have put her through.
So many tears.
I can still see the look on her face when I told her I screwed up again. She gave me so many chances that I honestly did not deserve. She has been there for me through joyous occasions, heartbreak, funny moments, and moments of pride when I do manage to accomplish something the right way.
She has helped me learn how to communicate. To use my words even though that is sometimes very hard for me. Sometimes, I do not know how to properly articulate at times. She has been there for me through my depression and anxiety. Honestly, I do not know how to handle it properly yet. She has been there for me throughout my whole school education. Also, she has supported me during the hardest moments of college. She is the best person even if she says she isn’t, she really is.
I do not care what she says. She is an excellent mother who is doing the best she can under certain circumstances that are out of her control. We are the very definition of a blended family. All kinds of issues, mental health problems, physical problems, trauma, etc. And she is so strong to deal with everything she has dealt with in the past.
Hindsight is 20/20
I only wish that I was not the cause of some of her heartache. I wish that I had just listened to her instead of trying to do things my way. I wish that I had not asked for all of those things just because I wanted it. I have prayed so hard that our relationship would be strengthened and I vowed to her that I would always be honest and communicate with her whenever she asked, even if it is hard for me.
I have admitted some things to her that I can not even accept about myself. We have been open with each other and we have gotten so much closer than we used to be before which I am so thankful for. God answered my prayers. I am gaining wisdom from her and my communication has gotten better with time and patience.
She is my rock and the one person I can trust to never judge me. I know she loves me with all of her heart and I know that she prays for me every night. I can only hope that one day I will be like her. She is an amazing person.
Mom, I love you more than words can even describe.
I am so blessed and thankful that God chose you and Dad to be my parents. I am so sorry for all the times I made you cry over me. But I am thankful for all the times you have been there for me, the times you have forgiven me, and the times that you have extended grace towards me. You inspire me with your strength everyday.
You are always the one to go without a moment’s hesitation to help us kids or sit with us in the hospital for days on end. You have such a giving soul and I have seen it through the relationships and friendships that you have had in the past. I can only hope that one day I will be like you.
Thank you for everything you have done for me and you continue to do for me every single day. You are a gift and a treasure and I will love you for the rest of my days on Earth. Know your worth (like you tell me everyday) and how much of a blessing you are to your family and friends because of your giving heart.
No Thanks to You Part 3. It was such a shock to me. It came without warning. I honestly don’t understand. Because that morning, it was business as usual. We were doing quality assurance and fixing simple mistakes in the computer. What was that you said to me?
If you would do your job right the first time, your mistakes wouldn’t be on this list? I could count maybe 5 mistakes out of hundreds that I could claim. And they were as simple to fix as checking a box. But you felt the need to point that out to me. You worked me to the very end.
That was hurtful.
When you said that to me, I cried silently at my desk. It wasn’t the first time. I cried silently a lot because of the stress you put me under. That this job put me under. The anxiety and the depression were insurmountable at the time. I put on a brave face, as one does, and carried on. I didn’t let you see me sweat.
His face as you fired me was that of sorrow. That he didn’t want to be in this position. He looked at me with pity, while it seemed you were doing a victory dance. Was I that bad of an employee for you to find joy in letting me go? You were so callous it was almost cruel. At least he had some sense. He knew I was a good worker and I don’t even think he truly understood your decision.
Because she was always in your ear about something. She was intimidated by me. She hated me. Therefore, you had to hate me. I blame you and her. I do not blame him, he did nothing wrong. He was just a poor, unfortunate person to be in that situation.
I can’t believe that you joked and laughed as I was cleaning out my desk. I was crying and you were laughing. That is unbelievably cruel. He walked me out, and he was genuinely sorry for the situation. But you, you were cruel.
What Happened Next
So, I feel the need to educate you on what happened to me after you fired me. The aftermath of your decision. It’s no wonder that people hit such deep lows when they lose a job. If you put 100% of your efforts into a career and you are just dumped, that hurts.
I had very little money. What money I did save went to getting a new apartment. I had to move, I couldn’t stay where I was anymore. It took everything I had. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I felt like such a failure. Even with the meds, I was depressed. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live with myself.
Choices are a funny thing, we make them every day. But our choices affect those around us. Your choices affected me negatively. In a bad way. I was already depressed and your choice made it so much worse. When it rains, it pours, and you were the last thundercloud. The straw that broke the camels’ back.
I was a broken human. Frankly, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I just remember being so sad. So numb. I didn’t feel anything anymore. Nothing made me happy. I was in such a deep pit I didn’t think anyone could save me. Honestly, I want you to know that. I hope my life will be a lesson to you, what man meant to do harm, God intended for good.
It wasn’t good for a long time.
God knew that, it is only by His grace that I survived that period of my life. He knew that was the worst possible job I could be in. He knew that was a bad fit for me and my personality, though I was good at it. So really, it became a blessing. But don’t think for one second that I don’t still hold resentment towards you. Even my ex co-worker can’t stand you. No one can. Because you are rude, you talk over people, you rub people the wrong way, not many people like you.
Without your poor choice
I would not have made it to the job I have now. I wouldn’t have met my forever love. My job now is awesome, and I am very good at it. I am highly respected by everyone that knows me. And well liked by many in my profession. I tell people how it is, I do not judge them, I do not micro manage, and I am not micro managed.
I am free to do things my way. And my way works. I am still medicated, but it is for the best that I am medicated. It helps me cope with those dark days. Those days that are so uncertain, I never know when one is going to come up. But they are manageable now.
Here, from my guest blogger, is No Thanks to You Part 2.
No Thanks to You Part 2
I didn’t do things the way you wanted me to. Honestly, I like to make myself notes, I don’t shred things as often as you would like because I am afraid of losing something important. Frankly, I still do that to this day. I am good at returning phone calls, but you insist that I write down every number and every message so I don’t forget to call them back. Lastly, I can do several things at once, and you didn’t like that.
You are very controlling, too much micro managing my work. Honestly, you knew I did good work, so why didn’t you let me do things my way? You told me everyone does things differently and gets their own rhythm. I had my own rhythm, but you wanted to change who I was as a person and as an employee. I took issue with that.
Depression Over my Job
I got so depressed at this job, and so anxious over doing a good job that I had to get medicated. Every time you walked into the room, I wondered what I had done wrong now? You started making a point to notice every small detail of something I missed or got wrong. That is not how a boss should be to his employees. You didn’t praise me anymore, you didn’t give me any sign that I was enough for this job.
You expected more and more from me. When I needed help, you were conveniently not around. I tried to get your help with a matter, and you were not available to help me. I made a mistake, I acknowledge that. But your biggest mistake was not being around when I needed you. And not training me like you should.
Another Low Blow
I cannot believe that you tried to take my unemployment from me. That was one of the lowest things that you did to me. I was mortified. And when I explained to the woman at the unemployment office the situation, she quickly understood that it was not me, but you. I am glad she saw it my way.
You kept meeting with me with a disappointed look in your eyes. And you dragged him into this? The look on his face was that of regret for having to deal with your misogynistic, sexist, backwards, lying actions. Telling me we can fix this, if you get yourself medicated then it will be fixed. You made me feel like the problem was with me and not you. That it was all my fault for the very few mistakes I did make.
You made me feel less than human.
That I was just a troubled, sad person that couldn’t perform well at my job without being medicated. Do you have any idea what I was going through in that time of my life? That I was going through a break up months from getting married? My grandfather almost died and you didn’t bat an eye. I was so sad. And you made me feel like, at least in the beginning, that we were a team and you would help me through anything.
But you didn’t even bother to ask. You just assumed I was fine and moved on. Frankly, you didn’t care what happened to me. You didn’t care. And that was hurtful because you said I could trust you.
Smack in the Middle the Lies Began
Then, in the middle of all the shit I was dealing with, you let me go. Within a week of the end of my probationary period. I had nothing. Nothing. Nothing to live for anymore. You were the last straw in my life. I was already dealing with so much pain and agony, and you treat me this way. After all the work I did for you. All those extra hours I worked.
You told me that I was rude to inmates. That I talked over them. That was all a lie. You told me that a clerk filed a complaint against me. That was also a lie. I don’t even know what I did to offend her but life goes on. The judges liked me, they still do. Funny thing how lies work. I have never had a single issue in that courthouse in my job now. I am respected and well liked. By everyone.
You told me that I wasn’t a good fit.
Then why waste my time and yours? You could have let me go a lot sooner. If I was that bad of an employee, you would have cut your losses sooner. Isn’t that what you told me about Charlotte in frankfort? That you should cut your losses and fire me.
You told me that just to scare me. I don’t even think that woman knows my name or anything about me. I was a week from being a tenured employee. And you decided to cut me then, you milked me for all the work I was good enough for. Then you dumped me on the curb like yesterday’s trash. I was no longer your prodigy.
No Thanks to You. I held such resentment for you. I still hold some resentment for the way you treated me. At first you made me feel like I was a prodigy, that I could do it all. You knew me and my family; their reputation preceded me. I was hired on pretty quickly, and I showed you all my potential.
You made me feel special, that I was doing so well. I worked well with you, with judges, with lawyers, inmates, and jail staff. I was good at my job. I did my best to be impartial, no matter the charge. I never gave anyone reason to believe that I disliked them, I was calm and collected.
Everyone loved me.
The jail staff, my coworkers, the court staff. I had no complaints. No one came to me or had any issues with me. My co-worker vouched for me so many times because she knew how good of an employee I was. So what I don’t understand is why you turned on me. It was after you hired on your new protege that I fell by the wayside.
I was still doing exemplary work, my assessments were detailed and nothing escaped me. I did well in court, I was respectful to all and did my job. And it was a stressful job, a lot of things at stake and I worked without a single complaint.
You promised me that you would train me further, that I would be attending all these trainings to make me better. But you failed. I did not receive those trainings. Therefore, I had to learn a lot of things myself. I told you every time I had an issue, I told you every time someone asked something of me that I did not feel right about.
It was when she became a supervisor, that also falls in this time period. She really disliked me for some reason. I did my best to be kind, still told her all the issues I had, filled her in on important details. She is so fake, I can’t understand why you listened to her over me.
Choosing One Over the Other
I never gave you a reason not to trust me. She gave you every reason. It was always my word against hers, and it was always the issue with her. She is a snake in the grass, and I am surprised not more people see that in her. She pretends to be a good person, would play Christian music at work, but I could see that she was faking it. Her actions did not prove she was a good person.
She went behind my back to you, over an issue that I was struggling with. I knew the protocol, I knew what would happen. She was standing over me talking in my ear with another person. Standing over my shoulder, behind me, waiting for me to call. I may have been short with her, but I did as she requested.
I don’t do well when people are behind me, I don’t do well with people barking orders at me and micromanaging me. When I asked her later if there were any issues, she assured me that there wasn’t. And foolishly, I believed her. Then, like the snake she is, she went to you without telling me. And that was the knife in the back that hurt me.
I do not trust very easily. You and her are two of those reasons. First, you told me that you would help me. That you would train me further, that I could trust you. I relied on you to help me, because you said that you would. But you didn’t, you failed in that regard.
In this A Letter to Myself piece, my guest blogger wants to step back in time and parent that child who was abused and never truly parented. She wants that little girl to know that what is happening is wrong and that she is not at fault. What a beautiful way to begin the healing process.
I have written numerous letters to other people who have greatly hurt me, but I have yet to write a letter to the person I feel has hurt me the most.
That person is me.
For years I have “punished” myself for things that were not my fault. Its been hard for me to keep in mind that when bad things were happening to me, I was between the ages of 7 and 11. U have blamed myself for years for the people around me dying. I have blamed myself for not being there for them while they are dying. Like for goodness sake, Sarah, you were like 9. It is not your responsibility to take care of people who are dying.
When my dad got divorced for a second time, we had just moved, and we were tight on money. It is not that my dad was not making enough, it was because he was giving a good chunk of his money to his ex-wife. So, I started skipping meals just to make sure everyone else had enough to eat. When I would eat, my brother would make comments on my weight or how much I was eating. That’s when I stopped eating for weeks at a time and started working out six days a week.
After over a year of doing that
I finally realized that it wasn’t my responsibility to make sure everyone was eating. It was my fathers, and he was incredibly absent at that time. So I slowly started eating again. I have better eating habits now, but I still have my days where I feel I shouldn’t be eating. To this day, if I have to get weighed, I can’t look at the scale because If I see what it says I will spiral.
Around that same time, my dad was incredibly absent. All of the cooking, cleaning, and children basically came my responsibility. I was basically the parent in the household. I juggled all of my responsibilities at home, schoolwork, and band.
About the only thing I remember from this period of my life is being incredibly exhausted. It was at this time sister would hardly sleep. And she became violent. So I would wake up at three in the morning to her punching me in the face or her pulling my hair. I remember countless morning of me just crying because was so tired and in pain.
That was a super dark time in my life.
This was the beginning of a super dark time for me. I had zero will to live, I didn’t care what happened to me. Honestly, I wish this part of my story had a happier ending, but I’m still learning that Madison isn’t my child or my responsibility.
I feel guilty when I go out while she’s at the house. Also, I feel anxious that something bad is going to happen to her while I am gone. I feel like I have been better about leaving her home, so that is a step in the right direction.
Then, I guess the last piece of this story is about the shooting. I remember that morning going into the band room with my friends and I stood across the room from him and I just stared at him. The atmosphere that morning felt off.
I used to blame myself for not talking to him that morning. I used to think that if I had just talked to him, that he wouldn’t have killed two people. That was his choice, not mine. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It is not my fault. After a while of repeating that to myself, I finally believed it.