Large Family Happenings, Medical Issues

Feeling all the Things

Feeling all the Things

Feeling all the Things

Here I am, almost midnight, the eve before 2 of my boys start middle school.  I am Feeling all the Things and then some.  Fear creeps in and then I hear my sister say “Fear is a Liar.”

There is so much I worry about.

Will Jude remember NOT to go through the metal detector?  Then my thoughts swirl to “I cannot believe my children have to walk through a metal detector.”  Will he lose his hearing aid?  What if he doesn’t wear it?  He may fall asleep during class…will he get in trouble?  Did I tell all the teacher’s about his hearing and his sleep problems?  Do I have all the things he will need to get started?  Will he be bullied?  What will he do if he is bullied?

Then there is Daniel

He is not like other kids.  I know that he knows that but others don’t know that.  They don’t know what he struggles with, internally that can manifest in strange ways externally.  What if he can’t handle the class load because his brain works a couple of steps behind the “typical” kid brain.  Will he be made fun of?  What about testing, he doesn’t test well and needs more time.  Will they know that?  He eats a lot.  What if he is still hungry and his brain slows further because he needs an extra protein or water?

Friday

On Friday, I send Hunter for his first day.  I have loved, hovered, protected, fought for, rallied with, held up, spoon-fed, and more for the last 3 years.  The last 2 years we have literally been to hell, knocked on the door, and then fought off demons with a water pistol.

What if he gets sick?  Will that put him back in a wheelchair?  What if he can’t sustain?  Will kids make fun of him and bully him?  What if he shakes so much he can’t do the things that he wants to do?  If he gets lost in the hallway, falls in the toilet, rages, struggles…what then?

Peace or No Peace

The past month, I have had such peace with this decision.  So ready.  Theoretically.  Now that it is here.  I am an anxious ball of stress.  Living on the edge of the mountain and looking down thinking…”It doesn’t seem so far…I’ll just jump.”  I can’t sleep and my mind is going 1000 different places and all at the same time.

Knowing the Right People

I know a lot of people in the system.  From the top dog to the bus drivers and that is all a good thing.  They know my kids and my kids know them.  I know that I am 5 minutes away from Hunter and about 8 away from the boys.  There have been a lot of words spoken over the course of the week but for the life of me, I cannot remember a single conversation.

Homeschooling Has its Own Struggles

It is not all peas and carrots.  I am strict, focused, and on it.  The bar is set very high for my standards whether you are “special needs” or not.  We aim high and do our best to get there by any means necessary.  I feel accomplished in graduating 4 of my 7.  Yet, there is guilt for not “finishing the race.”

That is Satan, whispering in my ear.  I know this, deep down.  Yet, I still turn my head as I hear that voice.  It still penetrates me and makes me question all the things.  I see all these “got it together” homeschooling mamas.  Yet, I know.  I know the struggles.  I’ve lived it for 20 years.  Secret time.  I HATE teaching a kid to read.  I’ve done it with 6 of my 7 but it is not something I enjoy.

I Miss My Lady

If she were here, I would drop the kids off and go to her house.  We would sit at her kitchen table and talk about all the things.  She would tell me that it was going to be fine.  Then, she would line me out on listening to Satan instead of Jesus.  Next, she would tell me the newest and latest sandwich at a particular restaurant and we would go and partake.  Finally, she would make me cry and then nap in her green chair.  I can play this all throughout my mind.

It Will All Be Okay

We will get into the flow.  Pray for the best for Hunter.  Hopefully, he will not get sick and flare-up.  If I cry, that is okay.  I know that at any point, I can change my mind and so can the boys.  My plate has been overfilled for the last 5 yrs due to many many things.  I know that I can take this time to heal, mourn, work on my health, and my passions.

For the last 23+ years, I have wiped butts, noses, educated, loved, kissed boo-boos, and more.  I sort of forgot who I was in the process.  That is okay because I have pretty awesome kids.  Jesus gave me the privilege of borrowing them for a time.  I will continue to treasure each and every new moment.

For Now

Let’s just pray that we will all bloom where we are planted.

Related Posts:

Hanging up my Hat

Beads of Courage

Harsh Reality of Raising Kids with FASD

 

Faith Journey, Medical Issues

The Prophecy and The Call

The Prophecy and The Call

The Prophecy and The Call.  Last December, we were at church and we were getting ready to worship. We have been church hunting for a while and we landed on Christian Fellowship.  Honestly, we knew the pastor and his wife, as well as, a few families.  We had not been going very long, but it was definitely different than what we were used to.

People Watching

Before service started, there was a welcome and then our pastor called up a man because he had a “word” to give some people in the congregation.  We have learned that this is somewhat normal, but still very abnormal to our family…we simply were not used to that.   So, we sat and we watched this man pace back and forth in front of the congregation.

I am a people watcher/reader and the thing that caught my eye was the fact that he never opened his eyes when he was pacing or talking.  He kept touching the insides of his hands.  You could tell that he was uncomfortable but being obedient. He said that he had had this word from the Lord.  Also, he wanted to make sure that it was, indeed, from Him and not from this man’s flesh.  However, he realized through his sleepless nights that this was from the Lord and he had to be obedient.

The Word

He said that he had a word for someone in the congregation and so we sat, listened, and watched him pace.  He made his way down the aisle that we were sitting on and he stopped in front of Big Daddy.  I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and my mind was whirling.  He asked Big Daddy to stand up.  I looked up to the altar, where our pastor was standing, and he gave me a look, a nod, and a smile that it was okay.

This man, whom we had never seen or met, told Big Daddy to hold onto his hand.  Now, Big Daddy is not a tiny man and his hands are ginormous, so when he stands, he is noticed. This man said that the Lord was telling him to “Hold on. Hold on tight to the rope and do not let go.  To trust and just hold on tight.”  I felt an energy move through me and tears flowed freely, which I don’t usually cry or get swept up in my emotions, so this was strange to me.  The moment was fleeting but the air was thick and I knew, in my soul, we were in for a ride.

Come the beginning of 2017…..so many things happened.

My daddy had quadruple bypass surgery.  Then, my niece was sentenced and my nephew was close behind her.  My daughter went to military school due to behavior.  Also, we had a family issue involving another baby that was devastating.  Oh, let’s not forget my oldest daughter called off her engagement.  She was downsized at work.  We were also fighting with insurance companies for my son’s surgery that he needs.  Add that to my Lady getting sick.  Then, the straw that broke the camel’s back happened.  Needless to say, we were reminded to “hold on” a lot over the course of the first 6 mths of 2017.

Even More

During the incident involving a family member…Big Daddy and I were trying hard to win a case and it was simply out of our hands.  We knew what we could do to help the situation…we were willing…but it was not our call.  As I spoke to a friend of mine, she said that I needed to “hold onto hope.”  She also said that the Hebrew meaning of “hope” is “rope”, so hold onto the rope.  I caught my breath and I texted her back and asked her who had told her that.  She said it was a word from the Lord to me.  I asked her if she knew the man that had said the same thing back in December and she did not know him.  That is twice, the Lord has said to “hold on.”  I felt like we had held on pretty well.

My Sister

Then the call came.  My sister called me on Tuesday, June 6, 2017.  Now, she rarely calls me on a Tuesday…we talk on Monday 🙂  I asked her if everything was okay and she said that she woke up to an odd text.  She said it was from a friend, a former neighbor, that she used to walk with.  That friend said that the Lord placed my name on her heart and that she was praying for me.  I have never met, spoken to, or even seen a picture of this woman.  She simply knows me from what my sister had said and I’m sure I wasn’t the topic of every conversation…although I am awesome like that.  I told my sister I did not like that and that meant that something was fixing to happen.  My sister told me to take it as a blessing, but I was unsettled.

Daddy

After he got sick, Hunter and I spent almost 2 weeks in the hospital.  I missed my family, I was tired, and I was over it.  The doctors had told me 1005 things and none of it was good.  Thankfully, one day, my sister (Hunter’s Mamaw) came up to give me some respite on MRI day.

She came in and handed me my flatter than a flat pillow, my granny’s quilt, and a gift from my daddy.  Here, again, I am told to “hold on” in some form or fashion.  I carry that with me, to this day.  It is a reminder that my heavenly Father and my Earthly father love me and know that it is all going to be okay!

The Prophecy and The Call

That Tuesday, we saw a rogue zebra.

Related Posts:

Just Be Held

Choosing for My Heart to be Broken

Medical Issues

Sensorineural Hearing Loss

Sensorineural Hearing LossSensorineural Hearing LossSensorineural Hearing Loss

Sensorineural Hearing Loss.  On Little Man’s 7th birthday, we had a HUGE surprise in our lives.  Our day started out as a normal birthday.  At the crack of dawn, the phone rings and it is my mom. She is calling to sing to the birthday child.  This morning was no different.  As soon as the phone rings, I hear the birthday kid running 90 to nothing up the stairs to get to the phone.  They look forward to the early morning call.

As the phone rang and Little Man burst through the door, I handed him the phone.  I automatically put it to his right ear because that is which ear that everyone uses to hear the person on the other end of the line.

Little Man looked at me and this is the conversation that ensued:

LM:  “I no hear in that ear.”

Me:  *slightly confused, still groggy because I had just woken up* “I’m sorry….what?”

LM:  “I no hear in that ear.” *Bear in mind, I am still holding the phone*

Me:  “I don’t understand.  What do you mean you no hear in that ear”

LM:  *gets in my face and grabs my cheeks and raises his voice* “MOMMY…I NO HEAR IN THAT EAR.”

Me:  “Did you hear in that ear in Ethiopia?”

LM:  “I no never hear in that ear.”

He Doesn’t Miss a Beat

He grabs the phone and my mother proceeds to sing.  I sit in my bed, confused.  I talk to my mom and let her know what she said and she said that I should probably go and see if he has an ear infection.  Little Man has a HIGH threshold for pain, so him not telling me that his ears hurt is really not that shocking.

We go and his ears are fine.

I make an appointment with the local health department to get an initial screening.  They said that he seems to have some loss, go and get it checked further into but not to be too concerned.

I call and get an appointment with Murray State’s hearing clinic. I’ve worked with Susan Brown over the course of a few years, so we are familiar with each other and she is super good at what she does.

We get there and get the test done.  She just smiles and says I need to go and see an audiologist.  She said that he is deaf in his right ear.

I just sit there with, I’m guessing, a puzzled look on my face.

SB:  He is deaf in his right ear and he is borderline normal in his left…but still normal.

Me:  I don’t understand.

SB:  He.  Is.  Deaf.  In.  His. Right.  Ear.  And.  He.  Is.  Borderline.  Normal.  In.  His.  Left.  But.  Still.  Normal.

*I must have looked like a bus hit me*

Me:  Define deaf.

SB:  Sonic bomb….he can’t hear that.

Me:  So that’s bad, right?

SB:  yes, but he is still “normal” in his left ear.

Me:  Is this hereditary?  My mom was born with a bone missing in her left ear and she had to have surgery to have a plate put in when she was in her 30s maybe.  Could this be the same thing?

SB:  *total look of confusion on her face*  Uhm, is your mom black?

Me:  Uhm, no..she is a fiery redhead.

SB:  Then how could this be hereditary?  Your son is from Africa, right?

Me:  Yes he is…I don’t understand what you are asking…..*then the light pops on in my head*….oooohhhhh…..gotcha.  Not hereditary..right, he is adopted.

SB:  I thought I was missing something

Dr. Shawn Jones…Not…Indiana Jones

So, we make ANOTHER appointment with Dr. Jones.  Little Man is THRILLED that we are seeing “Dr. Jones.”  We walk in and Little Man says “You, Dr. Jones?”  Dr. Jones replies with a yes…..Little Man looks confused and he said “Indiana Jones?”  Dr. J says “No, Shawn Jones.”

Burst his little bubble.

All in all, the tests were all the same.  He has no hearing, at all, in his right ear.  This was probably either from birth or from some illness in ET.  We tried a normal hearing aid in that ear and it did nothing.  It is hard to amplify a sound that is simply not there.  So now, we do a CROS hearing aid.  It is a regular aid in the good ear and a microphone (smaller) aid in the bad ear.  The sound hits the small aid and Bluetooth to the good ear and it is amplified.  He still cannot localize sound, but he can “hear” when something is coming.  It has worked really well for him.

What Works for Him

I do not make him wear it daily, but he is wearing it more times than not.  It is hard because he isn’t supposed to “sweat” or get it wet, so we have to be very cautious.  The little aid, because it is not fitted into his ear, has a tendency to fall out, so we have gotten him fitted for a fitted aid in both ears.  They are neon cause that’s how we roll.