Tag: brene brown

Book Processing

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Barefoot Faith Journey

 What Does 'New Vision' Mean

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses having a new vision in her book, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. Here I attempt to process my thoughts on this concept. “You keep saying I must see what I have instead of focusing on what I don’t have in a difficult relationship.”

That is one of the first quotes from this book, and it hit me square between the eyes. I feel like fractured relationships within my family, and I am not allowed to enjoy the people still in my life. Some readers will not understand that statement. Others, sadly, will feel what I am saying and nod their heads in agreement.

A friend I have not seen in many years also pointed this out. She knows me but doesn’t know me. This friend has wiped my tears during an uncertain time in my life and has faithfully prayed for my family and me. After about fifteen years, I knew it was time to call and get her advice.

A Massive Conversation 

There were pleasantries and catch-up moments, but for the most part, I dove in head first with everything in my head. She listened and responded with grace, love, dignity, and bluntness. See, I tend to keep things to myself or only talk to people who I know to love me, therefore, agree with me (for the most part). This person was not going to tell me what I wanted to hear. She told me what I needed to hear.  

Some parts hurt, others were “aha” moments, and then there were moments when I cried silently. We are many miles apart, but the love of Jesus poured through the phone and settled in my mind and heart. I appreciate her taking the time to call me and advise me. She gave me a perspective of someone who loves us all but sees the situation with a new vision.

A New Vision

Fast forward to reading this book, and Elizabeth B. Brown nails me between the eyes again. Solidifying the truths that my friend spoke. People, Jesus can talk through any vessel if you are open to listening.  

In Successfully Living with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown talks about Aerial Vision. That is your new vision. “Aerial vision would help me see that there were no arbitrary lines, triggers, or buttons – unless I allowed them. NO ONE COULD CONTROL ME UNLESS I ALLOWED THE CONTROL. I needed to understand that if takes partners to developed a screwed-up relationship.”

I am clearing up and gaining a new vision regarding my complicated relationships. Hopefully, I will begin my healing process and learn that “It takes two people to keep conflict and control alive.” The difficulties did not always start with me. It takes two people to continue down this road of destruction. There have been relationships where I have done my part and apologized, but forgiveness did not occur. Once I am obedient to Christ and apologize, it is up to the other person to do with that information what they want. I can’t make them forgive me or want a relationship with me.

On the other hand, I can recall a couple of complicated relationships where I’ve apologized without knowing what I’ve done wrong and the other person own’s that hurt and tension. It was their perception of a situation, not anything I had done. They have apologized, I forgave, and we attempted to rebuild the friendship. However, when that continues and communication does not freely flow, I shake the dust off my feet.

My Difficult Relationships

In complicated relationships, I always take the entire blame and apologize incessantly. Sometimes, I do so without even knowing what I’ve done wrong. Other times, I continually apologize for things I have already apologized for in that relationship. Also, I apologize for something I think or have uttered under my breath.  

It is not wrong to admit when you are at fault. I want to make that completely clear. What is wrong, in my case, is that I continue to apologize and shame myself. Remember from Brene Brown that shame is when you view yourself as a wrong person. It is not the same as guilt.

In Christ, when we are convicted of something we have done that is wrong, we repent. In that repentance, we try not to do the same thing twice. Free will plays a huge part in that dynamic. Once we ask forgiveness from Christ, we go to the one (if you can) that you have hurt or offended, and you apologize to them. Sometimes you can’t do that due to circumstances. In that case, you can write a letter and then burn it. I have done that many times.

When those things are done, then you are done. Either your relationship is restored, or it isn’t. There are times when it can be repaired and others where it simply can’t. However, I continue to harbor the fact that I have hurt someone. I continue to live in shame, and it eats away at me.

That bad behavior must stop in me. There has got to be a point where I offend, repent, apologize, and then forgive myself. After that, I must let it go and release the shame and the guilt. This book has helped me understand these dynamics.

Aerial Vision

This type of vision allows you to see:

  • the possibilities
  • the improbabilities
  • the impossible

“Aerial vision clears away illusion: Wrong actions are wrong: wrong responses to wrong actions are equally wrong,” I tell my kids all the time that they are responsible for their actions but not the reactions of others. That is a hard concept for kids, but it is also hard for adults.  

The possibilities of newness in a relationship are endless. True friendships can withstand disagreements from time to time if communication is in play. That statement is also true for marriages. However, when you are in a problematic relationship, things are a bit skewed. When you allow the Lord to open your eyes so you can see clearly, you will be amazed at what you can see. Several “minor” types of relationships have been complex. I’ve done my part and can’t control how the other person receives it or what they do with the information. I know that the relationships are no longer continuing.  

Yet, I have two relationships that I struggle with, which are essential to me. These are the two people that I have to focus more attention on in my life. It isn’t easy to walk away from them because I want greatness, but it is a one-way street right now. I cannot continue to beat myself up when I am rejected. Also, I cannot allow myself to be manipulated or controlled. I do not have a clear aerial vision yet of these relationships.  

Living in the Swamp

“Our choices will either keep us from being pulled into the muck and mire of a screwed-up relationship or cause us to sink as we fight the whirlpools spinning off the person we find difficult or off the longing for what we are not going to have.” My choices have kept me in the muck for a very long time. I have been sinking for so long that I don’t know what it is like to be on solid ground. It hurts my heart, but at some point, I must have self-preservation and let go. 

My prayer is reunification and healing, but it may not happen on this side of heaven. For now, I guess I will settle for peace. I am slowly gaining that peace because I’m beginning to set firm boundaries. In reality, “The swamp bottom is often the beginning of renewal.” I am all about renewal.

Difficult Relationships are like Swamps

“Difficult relationships are like swamps. In a swamp, your vision is obscured by vines, alligators, snakes, and mosquitoes. Screwed-up relationships are mired in the muck and swamped by chaos. So much is going on, you don’t know how to find solid ground. About the time you begin to wade out of a period of turmoil, a snake bite or an alligator threatens and you lose your footing. Your struggle for self-preservation so occupies you that you are unable to analyze the source of your problems. You wonder: Am I responsible for all the chaos? Or is the person who drives me crazy truly messed up and responsible for the havoc?”

I have lived with this difficulty for many years. It is time that I step out of the swirl of shame, confusion, and chaos. Those are not qualities that Christ has for us. Christ is not a God of shame, confusion, or chaos. He is a God of love and peace. I have been listening to the whispers of the evil one for far too long, and his reign is ending.  

“When your vision is obscured by the swamp, you must see your relationship with a challenging person from a different perspective.” I slowly see these relationships from a different perspective but have done so over many years and tears. With the love of God, how He speaks to me, through others, and just self-meditation, I’m finally getting it. When I lose sight, I have people to set me straight and remind me of how far I’ve come.

I look forward to exploring more of this book and continuing in my healing. I did change the wording to reflect Elizabeth B. Brown talking directly to me in some of the quotes.

Faith Journey

Shame and Guilt Revelation

Barefoot Faith Journey

Shame and Guilt Revelation

 

Shame and Guilt Revelation

I was speaking to one of my daughters today. It was a rare moment for us to be alone with her. Typically, we talk like a mom and daughter talk. Today, I pushed it a bit further. We talked about everything, and then I posed a question. I asked her, “In your history, as far back as you can remember, regardless of who it is about because I won’t get mad or upset, what is your worst traumatic memory?”

The blood drained from her face as she quietly told me what it was. At that moment, she said she felt shame. Shame is feeling that YOU are not good enough. Guilt is when you do something bad. Shame = you are bad. Guilt = you did something bad.

In Christ, our shame is undone. She is a person who does not have shame because she has Christ in her. Guilt, yes, she had. She did do something terrible. It was a domino effect that we could pinpoint where it started. That is the beginning of healing.

Our Box of Shame

We all have a box of shame. Traumatic things happen. These are things that we don’t want to talk about ever. Because we don’t want to talk about it, we put it in our box and put a giant lock on it. We pray that box sits in the dark corner and shuts the hell up.

Then, we have a trigger. The trigger can cause a person to act irrationally, have potent emotions, and do things they would never do (or say). You can feel where your shame is being held in your body. It is different for everyone.

Dealing with shame has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Now, I’m hyperfocused when I lose my crap. There are moments amid my chaotic moment when I think, “what is wrong with me? Why am I doing/saying these things?” Sometimes that thought process diffuses the situation, and sometimes it doesn’t. There are times when I need a timeout.

Overcoming Shame

Brene Brown has a shame and guilt TED Talk that I have listened to multiple times. I encourage you to listen to it because that is something that helped me understand the difference. As I stated above, shame and guilt are two different things. Shame is “I am a bad person,” and guilt is “I did something bad.”

As I was talking to my daughter, I told her that I had things in my past that had me engulfed in shame. When I think back on it, I get this rock feeling in my stomach. I then go further to think of the damage I have done and the situation’s outcome. So, if anything has happened, I blame myself for the entire future happenings in each of these. Does that make sense? So, shame has consumed me.

I didn’t share the details with my daughter because I’m not going to do that, but I did tell her how I felt and how that is more than guilt. It is shame. I was trying to encourage her to identify one thing that she feels shame about and teach her that it isn’t shame, but guilt. It is okay to feel guilty about something, but you can’t let it stir in you for too long.

My Goal in Helping Her Overcome Shame

My goal was to get her to take her “shame” box that is locked away and hidden, open it, and take one thing out. In that one thing, talk about it constantly. Write about it. Draw. Dissect it, find Scripture that helps you, and ask for forgiveness from God, yourself, and whoever was involved with you. Realize you don’t have to tell that person you are sorry physically. If you continue to talk about it (or write), eventually, you will be able to share your story without having those intense emotions, feelings of shame, and/or guilt, and you can distinguish between those two things.

Eventually, you will completely heal through the Lord’s guidance and grace. You will be able to take that one file from your shame box and have it fully processed and placed into your brain where it is no longer a “shame” feeling or a realization that it isn’t shame but a guilt feeling. It will soon just be a crappy life experience that no longer has power over you. It no longer consumes you.

There will be a point where you can identify those same emotions in someone else, and you can hold their hand while they find the beauty from their ashes. God uses your crappy life experiences to help someone else not live with those feelings of shame and guilt.

Her Box is Full. My Box is Full.

I explained that talking her story out (writing or drawing) takes power away from the enemy and allows her to heal. You can go back and learn from that experience and then help others.

I then flipped it back to my situation(s). As an adult, what I think of as intense shame for some problems when I was a young child, is horrific. Yet, because God doesn’t want me to do that (revelation), He placed a child in my home that did the same thing. When I discovered this, I scooped the child in my arms, and we rocked. We talked. This child talked. There was not one time I swirled her with shame or guilt. What I recognized was trauma. A severe trauma response to something that had occurred in that child’s life well before this child came to us.

Shaming or making this child feel guilty was not even on my horizon. I planned to find justice, alert other people, and get her into therapy. We did that, and justice was served. I never put two and two together until this conversation. There was not a moment I could correlate my experience with this child’s experience. They were different but the same. It’s hard to describe when I don’t share the details, which I’m not.

The Lord Intervened

He taught me to go back in time, like myself (a parent), and parent the child I was in those moments. Show her grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness. Remove the shame because shame can’t exist where Christ lives. Convert that to guilt but then discover the cause of that guilt. Then you can release that guilt.

I took that little girl version of me in situations where I previously felt shame, and I scooped her up and rocked her. We rocked and talked. She little girl me shared and disclosed, and adult me did what I needed to do. I did not consider her a shameful child or a child who should feel guilty. Immediately, I called who I needed to call in order to protect her and fight for her. There was an opportunity to say that she did nothing wrong and that those actions directly related to something else. It was something else that needed to be addressed, and she had no choice.

I immediately had a rush of emotions, a cleansing cry, and healing. This shame swirl that I’ve lived in for over 40 years is gone. Now, I have to address the other side of it. By doing that, I can further free myself from this and, in turn, help someone else in the same situation or mindset.

My goal was to help my daughter. I hope I did. In the end, however, I did help myself.