Life or Something Like It

Cute Pair Capris VS Fat Roll

Cute Pair Capris VS Fat Roll

Cute Pair Capris VS Fat Roll

Here is the story of my Cute Pair Capris VS Fat Roll. Okay, I have a 20% discount at work (YAY ME). That coupled with a 30% off coupon and clearance items equals a huge YAY YAY YAY.

Shopping during my Lunch Break

So, on my lunch break, I decide to shop. I randomly walk around the store thinking, “where are all those cute things I sell for $1.97?” Eventually, throughout my time, I found a cute pair of pants. They are khaki pants that can either be rolled down or used as capris. Cute. I buy the size I usually wear (gasp) and don’t try them on. Sadly, I loathe trying on clothes and refuse to buy a bigger size.

All excited, I get home and try them on. They fit, but I can’t breathe or sit. It has a snap closure, so when I do try to breathe, my snap pops 🙁

Quest in Life

In the quest for cuteness, I decided to wear those pants this morning. I anxiously rip the tags off and contemplate how I will function for the next 8 hrs in these too-tight pants. I chose a shirt that covers my gut, so if the snap blows, I can discreetly snap them back (if you count sucking it up and turning blue to get them to snap).

Fake Spanx

I’m so excited, though, because I remembered I had fake Spanx deep in my drawer. Here lies the answer. I lay on the bed and shimmy them up, thinking I’m going to die and there will be no way I can go to the bathroom. I pull them up, and then I proceed to put on my new pants. They fit comfortably! Yippee! I think I look pretty stylin’ as I load up the kids and head to work.

Normal is Not for Me.

Throughout the day, I bend, lift and move…a lot…fake Spanx isn’t entirely built for that. At one point, I noticed the back of my Spanx (I walked past a mirrored column at work). There was a HUGE fat roll on the back because the back of my Spanx was rolling south. I thought I was safe because the front was still up, but I squatted—big mistake. In one instant, my fake Spanx rolled under my fat roll, and there was no easy way to “lift” them back up without going to the bathroom (which I couldn’t do because I was training a new kid, and he couldn’t be left alone) or hide in the stock room.

Fixing my Spanx

I thought I’d be okay, even though it was incredibly uncomfortable until I realized that my pants were starting to give way. I quickly got someone to cover me and rushed to the bathroom. It took an Act. Of. Congress to get out of the spanks and then to roll them back up over my fat roll. I got everything back up and headed back out to the floor. I felt pretty good cause the back roll was gone, and the front was way up over my fat roll.

The Fat Roll Emerges

Did you know once you “stretch” out elastic, it is never the same? I didn’t. Quickly, I learned that fact. Honestly, within 10 minutes, my fake Spanx was headin’ south, and then there was a POP, and out came the fat roll. I was very thankful to be clocking out and heading home. Amazingly enough, I can handle anything for 40 minutes.

Big Daddy to the Rescue

I rush in, grab my sweet Big Daddy and tell him I need him upstairs. It sparks an interest in him, and he rushes upstairs. By the time I got there, I was standing in the bedroom with my fake Spanx. It was sucking the life out of me and sticking to my person. I beg him to help me get out of this contraption.

I felt like Miss Scarlett in Gone With the Wind when Mammie tightens her corset (although I’d make 4 of Miss Scarlett). He got so tickled because it was so hard to peel off my body. By the time it was over, I had rushed to the bathroom. Big Daddy asked why I was in such a hurry, and I tried to explain to him that I hadn’t had the privilege of using the bathroom because of my need to wear cute pants.

Tomorrow, I’m wearing elastic.