An Apology Without Change is Manipulation
Gracious this is such a reminder of what I live with on a daily basis. It is so hard when you have such consistent, horrible things to you…and then, the fake apology. That is exactly what it is. Fake.
I probably have done that, but I learned to be sincere with my apologies. When I do something wrong or hurt someone unintentionally, it hurts me so badly. Today, I asked my realtor a question. It was a stupid question and her response sort of hurt my feelings.
Granted, I have not slept well in a couple of days. Hunter has been in the hospital and it is overwhelming. I was wearing my heart and feelings on my sleeve and I took it personally. So my response was an immediate apology and promise to not ask such stupid questions. Then, I cried.
It Was Not Her Fault
Though that is the straw that broke the camel’s back, it was not her doing anything wrong. I was just emotional. Yet, this is one isolated instance. I was not manipulating her and I was sincere in my apology.
Now for my family member, this is a different ball of wax. This member has many types of diagnoses. Part of me thinks that this individual cannot help it. They do something wrong, have a hollow apology and then do the same thing 10 minutes later.
It is almost to the point where I don’t want an apology, I just want this person to leave me the heck alone. Can we say BOUNDARIES? I clearly do not have boundaries but they certainly need to be established.
Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder
They do this quite often. Manipulation, Confabulation, and Triangulation are what they are good at, in terms of this quote. According to Webster’s Dictionary, to manipulate means to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one’s own advantage.
Confabulation means to fill in gaps in memory by fabrication. To “normal” people, this means to lie. Then triangulation means to form an alliance. In this type of situation, it is child with one parent against another parent.
It is all exhausting and makes my brain work on overload. This is what we have lived with for 15 years. My boundaries had to be firmly placed, though they broke my heart in a million pieces. I had to take into consideration other family members and myself.
The stress was hurting all of us.
Life is Hard
The Lord did not promise us a walk in a rose garden. If we had that, or all the answers, we would have no need for Him. He completes and sustains us even when we are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from creating those hard boundaries.
He gives us the wisdom we need, when we seek it, to “speak” to us. This, for me, is done through intuition, Scripture, other people, and dreams. I have learned to accept that my family member does not understand what it means not to manipulate and to be sincere in the apology that is made.
It is hard. Completely and totally. Maybe one day, the Lord will heal her mind, body, and spirit to where she can function well in the world around.