Figuring Out How to Release Control
Quite side note, I already have doves tattooed on my forearm. They are the universal animal for hope. I may, just may add the broken chains because what a beautiful image that brings in Figuring Out How to Release Control.
A lot of things happened. You can read about most of it from yesterday’s post. There are some other things that occurred that should have rocked me to my core. Let me backtrack. It did. The revelation bothers me immensely BUT I had peace.
I can count on one hand how many times I’ve experienced peace that surpasses all understanding. Last night was one of those nights. Maybe I was still in a moment of grief and sadness due to the loss of people I held dear to my heart. Maybe it was God’s sweet way of just hugging me.
I don’t know.
I do know, however, that today, I’m still in that headspace. Now, my body is certainly continuing to keep the score with what is happening physically but mentally and emotionally, I am okay. This is a huge deal for me. Normally, it takes me days to recover from such an encounter.
It is often that I will get angry (fear and/or sadness), I will wilt under the pressure when it is dark and cry myself to sleep. There are many times that I just leave and go for a drive in order to keep it all pushed down.
I did not do that this time.
This time, I sought wisdom from friends. I let them do the heavy lifting because they are not in the moment and can see things objectively. There was a realization that I could not do that and if I tried, things would escalate.
Then, I reached out to 3 people I consider to be prayer warriors. When in doubt, let God deal with it. My husband was a huge support as he chose to lead this issue instead of watching me flounder. This has been a past experience and I’m glad that he stepped up for us both. Lastly, I contacted my child’s physician and got an appointment for this morning. We were all three able to talk, calmly, and come up with a plan.
As I finished out the night, afraid for the soul of this child and for what I know is to come, I simply prayed “God, do something.” In that moment, it was impressed on me that He will do something. It may not be what I want or think is right. Also, it may not be in the time that I want it done (like right now). He will do something because he loves this child more than I do and He has plans to prosper and not to harm this child. I just have to rest and be silent (Ex. 14:14).
It is hard for me to be silent because I want my intentions, thoughts, and opinions to be heard. The Lord spoke to me and just told me to stop. Stop this hyper-obsessing over things that I have no business interjecting in.
It is simply not my place and not my business. My place is working through my own issues holding up my husband. To work on my walk with Him and learn how to surrender. My type A personality does not groove with that type of talk.
So, again, I released all the things that were plaguing my thought process. Cluttering my mind, keeping me up at night, and dictating my actions. I went through each kid, each issue, each problem and I just gave it up.
Lest we forget, I’m human and live in a fleshly body, so it is common place to find myself doing this thing over and over until I reach glory. For now, I’m at peace. Now, I pray about it and leave it at the feet of Jesus.
Do I wish He would do things my way and in my time?
Will He do so?
Will it be okay even if He doesn’t do XYZ?
Yes, because His ways are higher than my ways.
I can say, for today (and hopefully forever) that I am at peace.
Today, that is a win for me.