Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow. The flow for the pain these people went through. The pain that their family and loved ones have gone through. The lost time, confusion, hurt, and then that moment of despair.

Office Buddy

The man that I worked with was the life of the office. We shared our office space, and we had the most fun, hands down, of any other office. He introduced me to his lovely ‘female friend’ and her son, C. They were all so dang cute together. We all loved hanging out, and C had a bit of a crush on me. He was like 8, so it was pretty sweet. There was no surprise that they would get married soon after they met. Then along came baby B! Wow, what a transition.

My friend got another job in another town (close by). He wasn’t too far away, and so he commuted. His wife continued to work, and both boys began school. Life seemed to be good for them until the moment when I got the phone call.


The screams of my friend’s wife still bounce around in my head from time to time. I didn’t realize that my friend was struggling with mental illness because their family put on an excellent show. It turns out he couldn’t move forward and made a devastating choice for those who loved him. I will never forget the look on her face when she told me what happened. She was talking, but she wasn’t present. This is something you never get over. You always wonder what you could have done differently. The pain does not cease with time.

All In the Family

Here is another family that is close to my heart. Well, when I met this family, they were infectious. The dad was loud and in your face. Mom was loud and loved to talk and make friends. The kids were big. Loud. Boisterous. Kids. A blended and unique family that seemed to figure out how to make it work.

Again, from the outside, life looked awesome. Great job for him. Great job for her. Kids in college, school, military, money, lovely house. Then, you open the door to this beautiful home and see what is going on behind closed doors.

Silence, arguing, pain, grudges, fights, booze, meds, threats, screaming. There was one person of stability in the house, and he was fantastic. Sadly, the Lord called this person home. That’s when things started falling apart. The marriage was dwindling, and the kids were not doing what they needed to do. Then prescription drugs and alcohol began to play a factor.


When a parent is unstable, and children witness or deal with suicidal attempts or threats, it alters their minds forever. Sadly this is the case. Due to undiagnosed medical conditions, the struggle has been consciously breathing in and out every day. So, it is no surprise when one of her children followed her in her footsteps. Generational curses can be broken! Thankfully, everyone in this family is doing their best to take the next right step.

2 Families, Same Story

Drugs, alcohol, abuse, feelings of unworthiness, and depression plagued two boys. One was a young boy, not even a teen. The other was a young man with a brand new baby to love. In my eyes, both of these boys were loved, but in their eyes, they were not worthy of love. They were useless, and people would be better off without them. Knowing the people that saw what happened that day and ran to their rescue haunts me. I cannot even imagine seeing what they saw and the strength it took them to save these boys. The thankfulness that these, now men, are still alive does not leave my mind.

Yet, they are still struggling with the same things they did when they were younger. The boy of the story cannot work, drive, or do much of anything. He is confined to one space. How heartbreaking to wake up every day to the same thing day after day with no hope of getting out of that space.

The young man in the story is working and doing okay. Raising children and trying to do life in the best way he knows how. He copes with drugs and alcohol and still suffers from depression. I hope that these young men can see who they are in God’s eyes. They are loved beyond measure.

The Screams of a Mother

There is nothing quite like that phone call. This mom has given her life to raising her children in God’s light. She loves her children and has made enormous sacrifices for them. She has made decisions that no parent should have to make. Then, her young son does the unthinkable and succeeds. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard. All I could do was pray for peace—her voice.

My Sweet Friend

I met this sweet friend at a place that helped my son. She had a kind smile and a loud laugh. Shortly after we met and became friends, she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought that battle and won. We missed seeing her every week, but it was safer to be home and not get sick. Treatments are hard on a body.

I was thrilled when I saw her walking toward me one day. She had her bandana on her head and a smile on her face. My son was so excited to see her, as well. Again, this woman I knew had some struggles, but for the most part, she “seemed” happy until she wasn’t.

Sigh, I can’t even begin. Articulate properly. Precious human. She is now at peace though missed here.

Then There was Leigh Ann

My loud, firecracker, sailor-mouthed friend. Fearless. Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the stories I told have taken a piece of my heart. Leigh Ann, however, has taken a chunk. Again, the horror of hearing her mama and the words coming out of her mouth. The useless feeling washed over me as I held her sweet son while he sobbed. Her daughter. Brother. Even her dog was mourning.

I have written about her before, and I will not discuss her life or death in this post. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Honestly, not a night goes by when I close my eyes and see her staring back at me. Her death was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am not okay.

Parting Thoughts

I have dedicated this whole month to awareness and suicide prevention. I have posted myths and facts on my Facebook page, as well. Honestly, I have no idea how many people even read what I write, but it is healing for me. I heard this not long ago, this statement. If a person were in their right mind at that moment, they would never follow through with suicide. I say this because if they were in their right mind, they would think about the NEXT moment. For instance, who would find them? How would they live in or drive by the place where it occurred? What about their children? If they had them, what would they grow up knowing?

So many questions and so few answers.

Moments are fleeting, but the Truth of the Lord remains. Your life is worth more than all the rubies and gold in heaven. He created you in the image of His Son. Jesus loves you without abandon, and you have to do nothing to earn it. There is help, and there is hope. You are loved. Your life is worth living. Please think about that next moment after you imagine your “success.” Think about the other person who will find you and have to tell your loved ones.

Seek help. Medication. Therapy. Self-care.

Some of my friends survived, and too many were lost to suicide. I have put off writing this and posting this for a month and all day today. It is hard, and I know I will have bad dreams tonight. I am always trying to save everyone. You can save yourself by calling any of these resources to help you!


1.800.273.8255 Suicide Hotline

1.800.799.7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.422.4453 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

1.866.488.7386 The Trevor Project LGBTQ? Hotline


Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Emotions From This Week’s Story

Emotions From This Week's Story

Emotions From This Week’s Story

My Emotions From This Week’s Story are all over the place. I have loved this woman since before I knew she existed and came into my life. When I met her, she was like my other half. The fun we have had, the tears we have cried, the food we have cooked, and the yardsales we have done. My goodness. Shared histories, life stories, so much of my adulthood has had her and her family in it.

I have been holding her hand for almost a quarter of a century. Or maybe she has been holding my hand. How about we hold each other’s hands! When one is up, the other is down. Then when one is down, the other is up. We say inappropriate things when we are both down and bleach our homes. It’s a thing and our thing, so why mess with what works.

How We Operate

When we are both up, we are a bit hard to handle. We giggle like schoolgirls, bake, talk, and fix the world’s problems. I love all of our history. It has shaped me into who I am today. It’s like we can read each other’s thoughts. We feel when things are not correct, and we call each other out, in love, when we are screwing up.

Life was good until it wasn’t for a season.

A Difficult Time

There was a moment or decade that we struggled. That was a hard chunk of time because I missed my friend. I knew she was struggling, but there was nothing I could do. Letting her go and not be a daily part of each other’s lives was the hardest thing ever.

Things happened, as you can read in her story. Yet, there is so much of her story that had to be left out for a variety of reasons. One day, she will share it for all to hear, and it will be used for God’s glory. The strength she has exuded has been that of Christ.

Even in the darkest moments, she knew that she was His daughter—a daughter of the King. I cannot adequately articulate how proud I am of where she is now compared to where she was 20+ years ago. Or even last year!

Getting the Call

When I received the call that something had happened, I did not hesitate. I rushed to the hospital, and I stood by her side. There were moments when I fixed her hair, cleaned her up, and whispered in her ear about things that she would find funny. I prayed over her. With her family, we all prayed. We didn’t know if she would live or die that day.

Anger ensued as a particular person was there, and I decided to “use my words” with this human. It wasn’t received well, threats were made, and I stood my ground for my friend. He was no longer going to hurt her. Her family was rallying around her. I was there, where I should have been, and we were all going to protect her.

That we did.

The Days Following

Man, they were hard for her and her family. She woke up and saw the people she loved most. She and I talked like we had not missed a beat. Things were discussed. Plans were in place. She had a system, and everyone was working towards helping her. It was amazing. God is so good.

There have been a couple of relapses where she didn’t use the plan. Yet, this time, she made a call. She wanted to live. Yet, for a moment, she yielded to the internal pain of all that had happened in her life. It has been unspeakable the pain that her family went through. Yet, her pain was 1000 times more. In her right mind, she would have never chosen this. She was sick and needed help. The first time help almost didn’t arrive in time. The relapses, however, SHE made the call for help.

She Has Come So Far

It seems like a lifetime ago that all this happened, but it wasn’t a lifetime. It is still fresh and raw in my mind. This is a situation that I still have not fully allowed myself to feel because if I did, I would explode. Now, we have talked about it, some, but not much.

She calls when she has a bad day, and we work through it. She has a fantastic husband and bonus daughter now. She has three grown children who still like to come over and eat and play games. Sometimes she must be reminded of how strong she is and how proud we all are that she chose to live.

Her relationship with Jesus is incredible, and she is a strong prayer warrior. She is in counseling, seeking help, in church, and reaching out to those she loves and feels safe. Every day is day that is filled with blessings and challenges.

For Me

I am SO glad she lived. My life has been better with her in it. I never want anyone to feel the pain and desperation that she felt. Never do I want someone to yield. Not even for one moment. I can barely breathe when I think about those times. She is loved by me and loved by her husband and children. Her family loves her.

I have to go and cry now. My feelings are feeling things.

My friend, I love you.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

Domestic Abuse Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline



Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Will Never Be the Same

I Will Never Be the Same


Continued Story

My sweet friend is continuing to write her story.  She is showing so much of herself each time she writes.  In I Will Never Be the Same, she talks about disclosing to a family member.  This family member did the unthinkable.  They chose the abuser over the young girl.

I Don’t Know What is Worse

You believing what I said was true

Or wanting to sweep it under the rug.

How did you not know what was going on?

I remember one time it happened in the middle of the dining room.

Right by the sunroom you always sat in.


Yet you act surprised when they came and got him.

Were you really oblivious or did you just not care?

The things that were done to me changed me forever.

I Will Never Be the Same

I grew up to hate myself.

How am I supposed to love others if all I know is hate?

All I know is that you hated me for some reason.

You must have wanted no one to care.

To make me feel like all you cared about was yourself…

Or worse just him.

The Great Pretender

Even after all the things he did, all you did was pretend.

Pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it didn’t matter.

Your choice to choose him ruined any chance of a relationship with me.

It messed up the relationship you had with your daughter,

Yet you still didn’t care about it.

Out of seven children all, you care about it the one.

Too bad you chose the crappy son.


The one that likes to lie to everyone.

He lied to you about everything.

And he told YOU that he was sorry.

He told YOU that he had changed.

But in reality, he is not who you make him out to be.

What He Could Have Done

If he was, he would have apologized to Me.

Or at least to his sister and his FAMILY.

All he did was manipulate.

So I hope it was worth it for you.

I hope the loss of a relationship with your grandchild and

the loss of a good standing relationship with a daughter

Is what you can live with for your decisions.

Even Now

Even now when you’re old and confused,

You know deep down you made the wrong excuse.

To choose the one person who ended a whole family with one decision.

I hope one day I’ll forgive you.

For all the things you’ve done.

And not just this one.

But until then you can stay there.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline


Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Choices that I Made

Choices that I Made

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7  The Lord chose me and His choices are for me to live!

Life-Changing Events

Being a young parent is hard. Tremendously hard. It changes you when you have complicated pregnancies and one delivery that almost loses your child. The lack of communication, dealing with undiagnosed (and untreated) mental illness (depression and anxiety), and money were some of the problems. Well, that can wreak havoc on a marriage. Other things that happened were utterly life-changing. My children and I almost died. That was the moment when I lost myself.

Choices that I Made

Because of the events that changed three beautiful kids and me forever, I left a good husband. He did nothing but try to be the best husband. Honestly, I think he believed that if he just loved me enough, all my past anxiety and depression would go away. Unfortunately, it didn’t.

Just Keeping Swimming

A failed marriage, a dead-end relationship, and then an abusive marriage is what happened in the blink of an eye. That relationship and abusive marriage are things I should never have been in in the first place. The abusive marriage caused me to be in a very dark place.

I tried to keep on, but I was treading water, barely keeping my eyes above the waves. Sadly, I went through the motions of life, but I wasn’t there anymore. A terrible accident occurred, and I have not recovered from that. Medical issues and so much more that I cannot even list. It was just hit after hit. Day after day. Minute after minute.

What I Didn’t See

Nothing I did that was good enough for him. He cheated all the time. Lied. He abused me mentally, emotionally, and so much more. He tried to separate me from the people I loved most. So I tried to take my own life. I didn’t feel worthy. I thought that everyone would be better off without me. My kids and family were isolated from me because of my abusive husband. I didn’t want to live anymore.

But God

By the grace of God, I lived. My family never left me. They gave me the strength to leave him and move forward. I learned how to live independently, seeking no one’s approval. This time, as an adult, I sought help and continued to stay in therapy. Sadly, I have had a couple of relapses. However, my family rallied around me this time, and I was not alone.


I am happy to say that I am alive, happily married again, and I have a great support system. I feel I am a much stronger person now. The man I am married to is good for me and loves me. Now, I have a bonus daughter to add to my crew. I am loved.

My Advice to You

There have been choices that I have made that were very bad. Honestly, I regret it to this day. If I could take it all back and have a do-over, I would in a heartbeat. Sadly, I can’t. So all I can do is learn from them. I have done that and moved on. I’ve also known that it’s okay to have bad days. There are days when you want to curl up in a bed and cry all day. Maybe eat a gallon of ice cream.

Just don’t stay there.

You are not that person anymore.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline


Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

This is When It Began

This is When It Began

In This is When It Began, this sweet girl reflects on her father and the beginning of her abuse. It is so painful for me to read, yet I know it will be healing. As I have said before, you must walk through the pain before healing. That is precisely what she is doing.

I Remember When

I remember the days when we would sit on the couch and watch tv or work on my homework together,

The days when I was the one you cared for, the apple of your eye, so to speak.

I remember us taking four-wheeler rides through our land back when we were still a single-family.

Back before the war between the parents where the kids had to choose sides

Where the kids had to learn who would do what.

Relearning Life

This was before the manipulation and the lies from both sides.

I wish we could have the same relationship as we did then.

When you were the one I cared for the most

But then it happened.

You Left.

You should have tried harder.

You should have at least fought for your family

but you gave in and moved out.

This is When it Began.

Mom found a new man.

We stayed with our grandparents most of the time.

This is where the abuse began.

The man who was supposed to be an uncle

turned out to be a child abuser.

As I stayed in silence, he became your friend

and this is how it came down in the end.

You Did Nothing but Sit

You didn’t try to do anything.

Instead, you said you knew people inside.

This was probably a lie.

Which are you didn’t care what had happened

or at least you didn’t care enough.

If you did, you would have done something. Anything would have been enough.

Enough to Show that You Cared for Me

Anything at all would have sufficed.

Years later, I still hold you at fault whether I should or not.

I just wish you had seen what was going on.

I mean, there were signs.

But I Can’t Blame You for Someone Else’s Decisions.

Just for yours at that was to do nothing.

Yes, I’m still mad and still sad.

And I know I should forgive you for this one thing.

But I just can’t until I understand why.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline