Guest Blogger

No Thanks to You Part 2

Here, from my guest blogger, is No Thanks to You Part 2.

No Thanks to You Part 2

No Thanks to You Part 2

I didn’t do things the way you wanted me to. Honestly, I like to make myself notes, I don’t shred things as often as you would like because I am afraid of losing something important. Frankly, I still do that to this day. I am good at returning phone calls, but you insist that I write down every number and every message so I don’t forget to call them back. Lastly, I can do several things at once, and you didn’t like that. 

 

You are very controlling, too much micromanaging my work. Honestly, you knew I did good work, so why didn’t you let me do things my way? You told me everyone does things differently and gets their own rhythm. I had my own rhythm, but you wanted to change who I was as a person and as an employee. I took issue with that. 

 

Depression Over my Job

 

I got so depressed at this job, and so anxious over doing a good job that I had to get medicated. Every time you walked into the room, I wondered what I had done wrong now? You started making a point to notice every small detail of something I missed or got wrong. That is not how a boss should be to his employees. You didn’t praise me anymore, you didn’t give me any sign that I was enough for this job. 

 

You expected more and more from me. When I needed help, you were conveniently not around. I tried to get your help with a matter, and you were not available to help me. I made a mistake, I acknowledge that. But your biggest mistake was not being around when I needed you. And not training me as you should. 

 

Another Low Blow

 

I cannot believe that you tried to take my unemployment from me. That was one of the lowest things that you did to me. I was mortified. And when I explained to the woman at the unemployment office the situation, she quickly understood that it was not me, but you. I am glad she saw it my way. 

 

You kept meeting with me with a disappointed look in your eyes. And you dragged him into this? The look on his face was that of regret for having to deal with your misogynistic, sexist, backward, lying actions. Telling me we can fix this, if you get yourself medicated then it will be fixed. You made me feel like the problem was with me and not you. That it was all my fault for the very few mistakes I did make. 

 

You made me feel less than human.

 

That I was just a troubled, sad person that couldn’t perform well at my job without being medicated. Do you have any idea what I was going through at that time of my life? That I was going through a break-up months from getting married? My grandfather almost died and you didn’t bat an eye. I was so sad. And you made me feel like, at least in the beginning, that we were a team and you would help me through anything. 

 

But you didn’t even bother to ask. You just assumed I was fine and moved on. Frankly, you didn’t care what happened to me. You didn’t care. And that was hurtful because you said I could trust you. 

 

Smack in the Middle the Lies Began

 

Then, in the middle of all the shit, I was dealing with, you let me go. Within a week of the end of my probationary period. I had nothing. Nothing. Nothing to live for anymore. You were the last straw in my life. I was already dealing with so much pain and agony, and you treat me this way. After all the work I did for you. All those extra hours I worked. 

You told me that I was rude to inmates. That I talked over them. That was all a lie. You told me that a clerk filed a complaint against me. That was also a lie. I don’t even know what I did to offend her but life goes on. The judges liked me, they still do. Funny thing how lies work. I have never had a single issue in that courthouse in my job now. I am respected and well-liked. By everyone. 

 

You told me that I wasn’t a good fit.

 

Then why waste my time and yours? You could have let me go a lot sooner. If I was that bad of an employee, you would have cut your losses sooner. Isn’t that what you told me about Charlotte in Frankfort? That you should cut your losses and fire me.

You told me that just to scare me. I don’t even think that woman knows my name or anything about me. I was a week from being a tenured employee. And you decided to cut me then, you milked me for all the work I was good enough for. Then you dumped me on the curb like yesterday’s trash. I was no longer your prodigy. 

Part 3 Tomorrow

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No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You.  I held such resentment for you. I still hold some resentment for the way you treated me. At first you made me feel like I was a prodigy, that I could do it all. You knew me and my family; their reputation preceded me. I was hired on pretty quickly, and I showed you all my potential.

You made me feel special, that I was doing so well. I worked well with you, with judges, with lawyers, inmates, and jail staff. I was good at my job. I did my best to be impartial, no matter the charge. I never gave anyone reason to believe that I disliked them, I was calm and collected. 

 

Everyone loved me.

 

The jail staff, my coworkers, the court staff. I had no complaints. No one came to me or had any issues with me. My co-worker vouched for me so many times because she knew how good of an employee I was. So what I don’t understand is why you turned on me. It was after you hired on your new protege that I fell by the wayside. 

 

I was still doing exemplary work, my assessments were detailed and nothing escaped me. I did well in court, I was respectful to all, and did my job. And it was a stressful job, a lot of things at stake and I worked without a single complaint. 

 

You Promised

 

You promised me that you would train me further, that I would be attending all these pieces of training to make me better. But you failed. I did not receive those pieces of training. Therefore, I had to learn a lot of things myself. I told you every time I had an issue, I told you every time someone asked something of me that I did not feel right about. 

 

It was when she became a supervisor, that also falls in this time period. She really disliked me for some reason. I did my best to be kind, still told her all the issues I had, filled her in on important details. She is so fake, I can’t understand why you listened to her over me.

 

Choosing One Over the Other

 

I never gave you a reason not to trust me. She gave you every reason. It was always my word against hers, and it was always the issue with her. She is a snake in the grass, and I am surprised not more people see that in her. She pretends to be a good person, would play Christian music at work, but I could see that she was faking it. Her actions did not prove she was a good person. 

 

She went behind my back to you, over an issue that I was struggling with. I knew the protocol, I knew what would happen. She was standing over me talking in my ear with another person. Standing over my shoulder, behind me, waiting for me to call. I may have been short with her, but I did as she requested.

 

Honest Truth

 

I don’t do well when people are behind me, I don’t do well with people barking orders at me and micromanaging me. When I asked her later if there were any issues, she assured me that there wasn’t. And foolishly, I believed her.  Then, like the snake she is, she went to you without telling me. And that was the knife in the back that hurt me.

I do not trust very easily. You and she are two of those reasons. First, you told me that you would help me. That you would train me further, that I could trust you. I relied on you to help me because you said that you would. But you didn’t, you failed in that regard. 

Part 2 Tomorrow

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A Letter to Myself

A Letter to Myself

In this A Letter to Myself piece, my guest blogger wants to step back in time and parent that child who was abused and never truly parented.  She wants that little girl to know that what is happening is wrong and that she is not at fault.  What a beautiful way to begin the healing process.

A Letter to Myself

 

Sarah,

I have written numerous letters to other people who have greatly hurt me, but I have yet to write a letter to the person I feel has hurt me the most.

That person is me.

For years I have “punished” myself for things that were not my fault. Its been hard for me to keep in mind that when bad things were happening to me, I was between the ages of 7 and 11. U have blamed myself for years for the people around me dying. I have blamed myself for not being there for them while they are dying. Like for goodness sake, Sarah, you were like 9. It is not your responsibility to take care of people who are dying.

Changes

When my dad got divorced for a second time, we had just moved, and we were tight on money. It is not that my dad was not making enough, it was because he was giving a good chunk of his money to his ex-wife. So, I started skipping meals just to make sure everyone else had enough to eat. When I would eat, my brother would make comments on my weight or how much I was eating. That’s when I stopped eating for weeks at a time and started working out six days a week.

After over a year of doing that

I finally realized that it wasn’t my responsibility to make sure everyone was eating. It was my fathers, and he was incredibly absent at that time. So I slowly started eating again. I have better eating habits now, but I still have my days where I feel I shouldn’t be eating. To this day, if I have to get weighed, I can’t look at the scale because If I see what it says I will spiral.

Absent Parent

Around that same time, my dad was incredibly absent. All of the cooking, cleaning, and children basically came my responsibility. I was basically the parent in the household. I juggled all of my responsibilities at home, schoolwork, and band.

About the only thing I remember from this period of my life is being incredibly exhausted. It was at this time sister would hardly sleep. And she became violent. So I would wake up at three in the morning to her punching me in the face or her pulling my hair. I remember countless morning of me just crying because was so tired and in pain.

That was a super dark time in my life.

This was the beginning of a super dark time for me. I had zero will to live, I didn’t care what happened to me. Honestly, I wish this part of my story had a happier ending, but I’m still learning that Madison isn’t my child or my responsibility.

I feel guilty when I go out while she’s at the house. Also, I feel anxious that something bad is going to happen to her while I am gone. I feel like I have been better about leaving her home, so that is a step in the right direction.

The Shooting

Then, I guess the last piece of this story is about the shooting. I remember that morning going into the band room with my friends and I stood across the room from him and I just stared at him. The atmosphere that morning felt off.

I used to blame myself for not talking to him that morning. I used to think that if I had just talked to him, that he wouldn’t have killed two people. That was his choice, not mine. It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault. It is not my fault. After a while of repeating that to myself, I finally believed it.

Love,

Sarah.

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The Dark Days

In this piece, The Dark Days, my guest blogger describes what are depression looks like for her.  Yet, she perserveres and powers on.

The Dark Days

I never know when they will come

Always lurking around the corne

Like a lion ready to pounce

 

They come without warning

When I wake, I feel it

The darkness closes in

And I welcome it

 

The darkness is familiar to me

Though it is full of sadness and hurt

Trauma and the like

 

Part 2

But I am not surprised

I know when the time has come

For another dark day to begin

 

Therapy helps

Medication helps

But the dark days are still around

 

 

Brought on by stress or pain

Or sometimes for no reason at all

Those days where all I want to do

Is lie in bed and hide from the world

 

Part 3

I wonder what made me this way

Why do I have these dark days?

Sometimes I understand

Sometimes I don’t

 

I used to be told

You have everything

How can you have these dark days?

 

It’s all in your head

It isn’t real 

Then why do I feel this way?

 

Part 4

It’s not that I want to feel like this

I didn’t choose this life

I don’t choose the dark days

 

If I had to choose

I would choose light

Happy

Sunshine, rainbows

Sadly, they don’t come that often

 

Part 5

It isn’t my fault that I am this way

That the dark days chose me

I can’t help it

What I can do is try to mitigate the damage

 

Damage control 

I never know when the next dark day will come

But I can take my meds

I can go to therapy

I can talk to the few people I trust

 

Part 6

Maybe

Just maybe

The dark days will go away

I can hope

I can dream

But for now, the dark days are here

 

The dark days don’t define me

They are not who I am

I know who I am

I am confident in who I am

 

Part 7

But on those days, sometimes I forget

It is a talent those days have 

I don’t mean to forget, but sometimes I do

It’s like a fog over my mind

 

A dense, soupy fog

That distorts words

Distorts feelings

Emotions

And people 

 

Part 8

I have to be strong

{I} can’t let the bad days hold me

I can’t let myself down into that pit

The pit where I have spent many a night

 

The pit is where the darkness leads

The darkness can’t take me there

No more

No more

 

Part 9

So I will soldier on

Put on a brave face 

When the darkness comes 

 

Because the darkness can’t take me

Not now

Not ever

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Powerful Note to Self

This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger who is working through some intense emotions and trauma.  Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault!  That can be so hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and you cannot remember.

Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age.  However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment.  Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation, so to speak.  Implicit memories are ones you just “feel.”  They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.

Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating.  It can take years to heal.  Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven.  That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself in order to process things.  My guest blogger is deep in the trenches.  I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

 

Not Your Fault

 

It’s not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

 

Stating Truth

 

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

 

Stop!

 

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

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I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

 

Instead, I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am a disappointment in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

 

Struggling

 

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

 

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

 

Normal

 

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

 

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Then deal with it

 

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

What God Says

God says He loves us.  He sent His son to die on the cross for us.  When we come to Christ, He throws our sins as far as the East is from the West.  Also, He says that Satan is the Prince of the Earth.  He comes to steal, kill, and destroy us all.  We have free-will and it is a giant butthole.  God will not supersede free-will, though He can at any moment.  He loves us and that is enough!

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Depression is Gray and Black

Depression is Gray and Black

In this piece, Depression is Gray and Black, my guest blogger discusses what depression looks like to her.

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression 

Is a dark and twisty place

It’s when your inner thoughts are gray and black

There is no light 

There is no white 

Just gray or black

 

The gray is sad but bearable thoughts

This is where you look back at what’s wrong

 grieving the way you handled it

Wanting to do something to change it but can’t

 

These thoughts I think are easier to voice 

To seek help for.  Ask someone to hold you accountable

To try and continue your life 

 

Which is Worse?

 

The black well that is the worse 

The dark and the bleak 

These thoughts are much more dangerous

 

These are the thoughts that keep you imprisoned in your mind

Keep you in bed for days 

Give you the feelings of why even try?

 

These thoughts are almost impossible to voice 

The darker the thought the harder it gets to talk to people 

The harder it gets to seek help 

And the harder it is to continue anything in life

 

The In-Between

 

Somewhere between the gray and black, there is a turning point

From being sad to wanting to crawl under a rock and die

I’m not sure where the begins

I just know that’s where it ends.

 

But surely there is a way to continue life looking towards something 

Instead of looking back at the past 

If you can get there that’s when you can see a light

It starts off small almost like a dot

 

Finding the Dot

 

For me trying to find that dot is the hardest part 

Trying to find something worth looking for the dot.

But once I find it I plan on holding on to it.

 

Because the dot will eventually grow 

It will become the light that I seek. 

I just have to hold on a little longer. 

And keep looking ahead.

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How It Began

My guest blogger today talks about How It Began between her and her “first” boyfriend.  In it she reveals the emotional abuse, manipulation, and pain that she endured during the almost 3 years of dating this boy.

How It Began

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. But I feel like now is the time to write about what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships.  You can talk with random people all over the world.  I was sadly one of the suckers that got sucked into all of the fun profiles and nice looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages.  Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website.  Sadly, he did not have the premium services.  Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice-looking man and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking and we talked online and eventually started texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months.

Eventually, We Met and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5 which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’0 tall self. Our date went really well and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends, family, and church family were so supportive of us and our long-distance relationship. It was so hard for him and me to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because of him working two jobs.

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it very clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we got married. I made a choice a long time ago to wait until marriage to have any kind of relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed me and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship.

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad and I wanted him to care about me as I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt that feeling of “being in love” and I did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually, I told him that we could not continue like this anymore and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating, I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t but he also treated me in a way that is not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman.

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him that I was considering, not even stating I was actually going to do it, but that I wanted to possibly join a sorority. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to join because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something that I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him.

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room in order to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to leave me. He would emotionally abuse me and refused to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say that we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.

Part 2:  Coming Tomorrow

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Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help?

But instead, bring them down too

 

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help?

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally, I think I would rather suffer alone

Then to bring a friend down with me

 

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

 

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

 

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in peoples mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

 

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

 

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

 

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Then hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

 

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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Becoming a CASA Worker

Becoming a CASA Worker

Becoming a CASA Worker

The above graphic on Becoming a CASA Worker might give you an idea of what one does.  This is a volunteer program, for the most part.  Social workers are tired.  They are overloaded with work and laws that really do nothing in the grand scheme of things.  It is sad.  I have known (and know) some amazing social workers.  Then, I have known some “out for blood” people that turns people away from this important work.  Social work is a thankless job.  Honestly, I have such respect for these men and women going in and trying to do their best to help these children.

CASA

A CASA worker, again, is a volunteer job.  When I was a worker, it was about 9 years ago.  We were waiting for Jude’s adoption to go through.  I needed something to feel like I’m doing something to help someone.

There was a lady that I answered to.  We had meetings and classes.  Also, I would go with her to court and observe to see how things were handled within the courtroom.  I have never been one to shy away from a courtroom.  They are actually peaceful to me.  It can be frustrating when you see something so clear and then another decision is made by the judge.  Once done with the classes and following my boss, I was sworn in, by the judge.  Then I was able to testify if needed.

What I Did

I was the voice of the child.  That is the whole point of being a CASA worker.  We advocate for the child.  Sometimes you take the stand and sometimes you don’t.  Each person has someone working for them and being their voice.  There are the attorney’s (for both parties and the who represents the state), guardian ad litem (represents the child as their attorney), social worker (works towards reunification and closely with the parent(s), R&C worker (the foster parent’s advocate), and a CASA worker (the child’s advocate).

It sounds intimidating but it really isn’t.

Yet, it is a responsibility that you have to take seriously.  You have to look the part, behave the part, and know your stuff.  There was a situation, where a certain social worker, who didn’t care for me, put me on the spot.  It is no great secret there is no love loss between us but I tried to remain civil.  She had a hard time with that and refused to take the stand.  In fact, she said I “knew it all” and that I would handle it.

Well.  He called me up to the stand.

Guess what?

I handled it in direct opposition that this worker wanted it handled.  This is not a sparring match between two people who can’t play well together.  Honestly, this is about the child(ren) and helping them keep their core family together if we can.

I Loved the Job

For real, I would have done this permanently had Jude not been with me.  When he came home, he was my 100% focus.  Maybe one day I will get back in the groove.  I’m sure things have changed in the last 8 years.  So, it is best that you call your local agency and find out what you need to do in order to be a CASA worker.  It is totally worth it.

Call to Action

We are not all called to adopt BUT we are all called to do something.  Is this something?  Shadow a worker and see if what they do fits into your idea of what a CASA worker does.  Seeing positive family reunifications is so rewarding.  There are other things that you will see that will hurt your heart, to the core.  Yet, we are placed in that position for a reason.  Spread the love of Jesus in all that you do.

If you have any questions, let me know!

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