Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical

Depression is Gray and Black

Depression is Gray and Black

In this piece, Depression is Gray and Black, my guest blogger discusses what depression looks like to her.

Depression is Gray and Black

 

Depression 

Is a dark and twisty place

Its when your inner thoughts are gray and black

There is no light 

There is no white 

Just gray or black

 

The gray is sad but bearable thoughts

This is where you look back at what’s wrong

 grieving the way you handled it

Wanting to do something to change it but can’t

 

These thoughts i think are easier to voice 

To seek help for ask someone to hold you accountable

To try and continue your life 

 

Which is Worse?

 

The black well that is the worse 

The dark and the bleak 

These thoughts are much more dangerous

 

These are the thoughts that keep you imprisoned in your mind

Keep you in the bed for days 

Give you the feelings of why even try?

 

These thoughts are almost impossible to voice 

The darker the thought the harder it gets to talk to people 

The harder it gets to seek help 

And the harder it is to continue anything in life

 

The In Between

 

Somewhere between the gray and black there is a turning point

From being sad to wanting to crawl under a rock and die

I’m not sure where the begins

I just know that’s where it ends.

 

But surely there is a way to continue life looking towards something 

Instead of looking back at the past 

If you can get there that’s when you can see a light

It starts off small almost like a dot

 

Finding the Dot

 

For me trying to find that dot is the hardest part 

Trying to find something worth looking for the dot.

But once I find it I plan on holding on to it.

 

Because the dot will eventually grow 

It will become the light that I seek. 

I just have to hold on a little longer. 

And keep looking ahead.

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The Healing Process

In the last part of my guest blogger’s piece, she talks about The Healing Process.  What she has gone through and how she came to peace.  God is so much bigger!

Remembering Little Details of What Happened

 

Some people might think that I am making this too big of a deal and that women get cheated on which is normal in our society. But it’s different. And yet, I don’t think I forgave him, truly forgave him, until a few weeks ago when I attended church with my family and heard my Pastor’s sermon. I sent him a short and to the point message saying that I forgave him and that I would pray that his life will be abundantly blessed in everything he tried in life. That was hard for me to write. Especially considering that he might not have even read the message in the first place since he blocked me off everything.

 

The Healing Process

 

But for me, that is part of the healing process. I don’t hate him. I choose to remember the good things about our relationship rather than focus on the bad things. I need to move forward and be patient enough to wait for the perfect man that God has for me in the future. It could be a few days from now or possibly years from now. But I am choosing to be patient and wait for my lifelong partner. And I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his perfect partner as well.  We might not have had the best relationship in the world but he was still a part of my life and I will never be rid of those good and bad memories. 

 

Advice

 

To the girls and women who have been cheated on or are in those not so good relationships, you have to choose yourself. If you see a red flag then get out. Don’t do what I did and settle for someone who is not your person. It is not worth the heartache and days of tears that will possibly be in your future.

I might be young and my experience might not have much meaning but it is my life. I chose to not settle. And I like being single. Sure, its lonely sometimes but you truly learn who you are and what your personality is like when you are by yourself. Love you. Take care of you. Don’t settle. He is not a monster but he was not my forever.

And for the first time in a long time, I am okay with that.

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The Proposal

The Proposal

The Proposal

 

Now it is time to talk about The Proposal.  After about 2 years he proposed to me at the park with no people around because I believe that proposals should be a private thing. I had pushed so hard to be engaged because I wanted to be married and I wanted to find that love that I truly craved even though I should have been craving Jesus and his true and eternal love. We were engaged for only a few months before it happened.

Like I said, I do not believe in cheating and I think it is a cowardly thing to do to someone. One night, he and I had returned from a date and he ran upstairs to get something from his apartment. I decided to go on his phone and take some pictures. Being the nosy person I was, I went through his text messages and found messages from a strange girl. She was only 16.

 

He Had Been Cheating on Me With a 16 Year Old Girl

 

I was shocked. Just shock. I turned his phone off and set it down and waited for his return. When I questioned him about the messages, he instantly got defensive and said she was just a friend. Friends don’t ask for pictures of friends or that they wish they could kiss each other. I still remember just sitting in his car. Gripping my hands and digging my nails into my skin to keep from crying. I took his phone and immediately ran upstairs to the safety of my moms arms and showed her why I was sobbing like my heart was absolutely broken. Of course he followed and tried to make the situation better but my mom knew better than that.

 

We Broke Up

 

I was heartbroken and still in shock. Honestly, I felt numb to all things in the world.  I did not know any other pain except what I was feeling in my heart. If you have never experienced a heartbreak like being cheated on, you are so incredibly lucky and blessed. He cheated on me not once, not twice, but three times. Three different women.

I know I might be making this too big a deal but at the time I could not look at him the same. Honestly, I gave him so many second chances.  He absolutely begged for when he said he truly loved me.  He did not understand why he cheated on me. I never got a clear answer as to why. That’s all I wanted to know. Why? What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough? The girls he cheated on me with were incredibly pretty.

 

It’s Over

 

I told him that I could not do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and told him that I would always love him and that he played a part in my life, but we needed to go our separate ways. The look in his eyes. I can still feel the pounding of my heart. Remembering how clammy my hands felt and how I heard him storm out of the house and the screech of his tires down the road.

I went and told my parents what happened and I just broke down. I sobbed like I never had before. Do you know that feeling? I almost can not explain it. Three years I gave to this man, who was supposed to be my future husband, this person who I thought was my best friend and trusted partner. My grandmother and I had already put together my wedding bouquet and my mom and I had already looked at dresses. And all I could think about is why was I not good enough for him? Why me? What did I do to him that I deserved a cheater and a liar as a fiance?

 

Memories

 

So many memories that we created together to only flush them down the toilet. I was miserable for months, especially since he lived in the same town as me so I would see him constantly. I went through the stages of grief and I was still not okay at the end. And to be honest, I do not think that I am okay with this. His mom blamed me for breaking his heart, his friends that were “friends” with me were confused and would not leave me alone, his brother messaged me as well, my ex blamed me and told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. Everything was my fault. And I claimed it. For a little while, he did not speak to me.

 

Manipulation

 

One day we were texting for some reason and he told me some very scary things that he was going to do and that I could do nothing to help him and that it was my fault. My mind spun of control and I started to have flashbacks of how manipulative he was to me when he got like this. Luckily, my mom and my pastor handled the situation and we did not speak much after that. After a few months I literally ran him out of town and I told him to never come back and to never speak to me again or he would regret it.

 

Consumed in Anger

 

The anger that I felt towards his consumed my life and that turned into bitterness. Even now, I still see patterns of him in men who try to date me. My life spun out of control and I made some very poor choices. I still do not understand how I could have been so stupid and so blind to stay with him for as long as I did. And for the longest time, I despised him.

I convinced myself that I just did not fit the mold of what a woman should look like.  Dress like.  Even act like in this modern world. I really let myself go.  Furthermore, I kept all of my emotions bottled up and stuffed deep down.  I did this so I would not have to deal with the pain. Honestly, I think that I have kept it bottled up for so long.  I have blocked out those memories so quickly that in writing this piece I am still crying.

Part 3:  Coming Tomorrow

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How It Began

My guest blogger today talks about How It Began between her and her “first” boyfriend.  In it she reveals the emotional abuse, manipulation, and pain that she endured during the almot 3 years of dating this boy.

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. But I feel like now is the time to write about what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships.  You can talk with random people all over the world.  I was sadly one of the suckers that got sucked into all of the fun profiles and nice looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages.  Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website.  Sadly, he did not have the premium services.  Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice looking man and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking and we talked online and eventually started texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months.

Eventually, We Met and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5 which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’0 tall self. Our date went really well and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends, family, and church family were so supportive of us and our long distance relationship. It was so hard for him and I to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because of him working two jobs.

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it very clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we got married. I made a choice a long time ago to wait until marriage to have any kind of relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed me and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship.

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad and I wanted him to care about me like I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt that feeling of “being in love” and I did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually I told him that we could not continue like this anymore and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t but he also treated me in a way that is not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman.

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him that I was considering, not even stating I was actually going to do it, but that I wanted to possibly join a sorority. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to join because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something that I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him.

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room in order to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to leave me. He would emotionally abuse me and refused to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say that we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.

Part 2:  Coming Tomorrow

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Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery Loves Company

Misery loves company they say

But is it the misery the person wants to share

Or are they looking to someone for help

But instead bring them down too

 

Is the misery more infectious than the need for help

Or does the person just not want it enough

Personally I think I would rather suffer alone

Than to bring a friend down with me

 

I don’t want my friends and family to feel like this

I wouldn’t want anyone to feel like this

Like the whole world is sitting on my shoulders

just waiting for them to make the wrong move.

 

Just Waiting

Waiting for them to slip

Waiting for them to pull someone in

Waiting for them to not be alone

So they will share the misery

 

I don’t want to be infectious with hate

I don’t want to put bad things in peoples mind

I’d much rather put in light and love

 

But where can I start

To get back to that person

That everyone loved to be around

The person that was infectious to laughter

The person that loved others and at least liked herself

 

I guess I should start at the beginning again

And try to learn a new way of dealing with my sin

Instead of storing it away and letting it fester

I need to let it go and pray that it will work out in the end

 

Because I’d much rather love myself and help others

Than hate myself and essentially drown them

I don’t want to feed them the lies that I believe

That I’m not good enough

That I’m not worthy

 

Because we are good enough

We are all worthy of love

And not the misery.

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Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

Hurt People Hurt People

A phrase my mom has always said is Hurt People Hurt People .  That is a true phrase.  I always thought that I was your favorite person. You would make time to come down and see me, you brought me books and movies. We would go to the movies and have the best time ever. It meant everything to me that we had a good relationship. But all that changed… now you can barely say two words to me. Now you won’t even make eye contact with me most of the time. And to be honest, it is hard for me to talk to you because I don’t know what to say. 

 

Life After Death

 

After my cousin died, I was hurting so much. After realizing that he may not be in heaven where I so desperately wanted him to be. After him leaving so suddenly and I never got the chance to say goodbye, it was hard on me. Because I loved him and I wanted to know I would see him again. And I loved you so much that I wanted to know that if you left suddenly that I would see you again. 

 

Blaming Myself

 

You know my mom would not even let me read the letter you sent back to me? Because she knew it would hurt me if I read it. It was easier for me to not have to read it. I blamed myself for ruining our relationship. But now, I think it was more on you than me. I was coming from a place of love but also of sadness and hurt. I didn’t understand why you didn’t believe the way that I did. I had no idea you would react the way you did. 

 

You Stopped 

 

You stopped writing to me. Also, you stopped all communication.  You just stopped. And that was hurtful for me, I looked up to you. I wanted to come stay with you and wanted to be like you. I admired you for being as successful as you were. I understand now that what I said may have offended you, but at the time, I was a child and didn’t understand how it would offend you. 

 

Ensured Salvation

 

In my mind, I was just wanting to ensure that I would see you again. That I wouldn’t have to have the knowledge that you would be in the next life and not in a bad place. I was hurting so much and I was only a child. How was I supposed to know that one email would change our relationship forever? 

 

I think our Aunt blames me for our relationship not being where it used to be. I can see it in her face. I can feel it in her energy. But I know this was not my fault. My intentions were not of malice. You sent back very hurtful letters back to me. It was not my intent to hurt you. Ever. 

 

Now, I Understand

 

I have gone through a very hard time since then. I have suffered much and you have no idea. And I so desperately wanted you to love and accept me like I love and accept you now. I feel guilty because I didn’t mean to hurt you. I would never intentionally hurt you in any way. I would hope you felt the same way about me. I do not judge your lifestyle, I am not a child anymore. I now understand how offensive some statements can be and I choose not to make those statements. 

 

I love you. I want you to love me too. 

 

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Happy Without You

The Pain of Losing a Friendship

 

In Happy Without You, this young lady shares her feelings about losing a beloved friendship.  Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of the ocean.  That is what I tell so many people because it puts in perspective that the things of this Earth are not forever.  Yet, losing a friendship is so very hard.  I always say you can either release them and enjoy the memories or you can hold onto them and be left with scars as Jesus rips them out of your hand.

 

This story is written by a young lady who is experiencing a loss of her relationship with a friend.  Her pain is evident and this is her way of releasing those emotions in a healthy way.  I pray for peace and restoration for her and her friend.  We always have to remember “but God.”  He is the healer of all things in His time.

 


Happy Without You

 

Happy Without You

 

Happy Without You.  Hey, you know that if you want to hang out with me, you can just text me. Not trying to make you think that I don’t give a shit about you. Would hate for you to feel that way. You know, you really should be careful of what you put out in this world. You could really hurt someone.

Hence the reason I have taken measures to prevent you from hurting me. And this is only one of many instances. I have to do this for my mental health. It was hard and hurtful to me to see and hear those things, these passive aggressive, attention seeking words that really bore deep in my soul. 

 

My Offering and Your Response

 

I have offered to be a friend, have fun, live our lives together, create things, and made things that I knew you would like.  And you decide to say some bullshit like that? And even if you didn’t mean it towards me, maybe it wasn’t your intent. Doesn’t matter. Still hurt. And sorry is not going to fix this. 

 

I am so sick and tired of your antics and your attention seeking behavior. Do you even care about me? You haven’t once asked me how I have been. Not in all of this time.  Not then and not now.  Do you know how much that hurts? Honestly, do you know how badly I want someone I can trust? Do you know how badly I want to be your friend? 

 

Why Stop?

 

You quit texting me. Also, You quit hanging out with me. You. Not me. This is your fault. Not mine. It is all on you. You make things all about you anyway so why should this be any different? I feel unwelcome in your presence. Awkward is what I feel because I cannot trust you. I don’t know how to act around you. Honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. And it is so hard that I can’t trust you anymore. 

 

My Reasons

 

So.. Do you want to know the reason why I don’t make plans? Because every time I have tried, you find someone or something better for you to do. And that hurts. I would go above and beyond to make you feel welcome and that you wouldn’t see my depression.  So you wouldn’t have to see my anxiety. So you wouldn’t have to see my trauma. You don’t seem interested in hanging out with me. Do you ever try and point the finger at yourself? Or is it everyone else’s fault but yours? 

 

What Did I do?

 

What did I do to hurt you? Is this my fault after all? Everything is usually my fault, but that comes from my trauma. But do you even care? No, you don’t bother to ask. I was there for you for everything. I helped you, I supported you, I loved you. And I got nothing in return. And I didn’t want anything. Because that is what true friendship is really like. Or have you forgotten? 

 

I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t understand your thought process. I don’t understand why you have such disdain for me. I don’t understand your words. I am really hurt. And I can’t trust you. Trust is such a fickle thing for me. Once you break my trust, you are gone. And I gave you so many chances. But no more. I have tried and tried and tried some more to open myself up to you. 

 

What You Don’t Know

 

Do you know that I have been in trauma therapy for months? Do you know the horrors I have had to relive? Do you know how bad my depression has gotten? Do you know that I have panic attacks when I am triggered? Do you know that my anxiety is through the roof most of the time? No. BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE. You obviously don’t care, otherwise you would have said something. You would have asked. 

 

I really want to be passive aggressive back to you. I want to say something so passive aggressive it makes your blood boil. So you could know what it feels like when you say something like what you did. But I am a bigger person.. So I won’t do that. And that is ok. But I secretly want you to read this. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me. I want you to know how many hours I have cried over our friendship. I want you to know. 

 

I Have Always Loved You

 

But it is getting harder and harder to love you with each day. I am heartbroken. And it is your fault. I am not going to sugar coat anything. You are one of the reasons why I don’t trust anyone. Because I trusted you. And you broke it. You betrayed me. I feel so alone. Do you know how badly I wanted to be your friend? Can you even fathom? 

 

You are One of the Best People I Have Ever Known

 

But I don’t even recognize you anymore. And it is not because I judge you. I have never and will never judge you. I have done enough things that I am ashamed of that I do not feel the need to judge every single person I meet. So if that’s the reason you hate me so much, then get that thought out of your head. I have never judged you and never will. But you have changed. The person that I thought cared about me doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

 

Someone to Trust

 

I want someone to tell my story too. That is something I want. I desire that. But I can’t do that with you, you made sure of that. Trauma is a bitch. But I have been stuck in my little bubble for so long that it is hard for me to reach out. Because the times I have tried to reach out, I was judged and I retreated back into my bubble. And now I am working through this messy middle of trauma therapy and it is not easy. Not that you care. Again, you never asked. 

 

So instead of blaming everyone else, why don’t you start blaming yourself? You pushed everyone away, the people closest to you. I was one of those people that you pushed away. You are the definition of a guilt trip. You are such a triggering person. You gaslight people into thinking that it is their fault instead of yours. You guilt and manipulate to get your way. In a way, I am better off without you. 

 

Without You

 

Without you, I survived my trauma. I got married, without you. Without you, I got myself into treatment. I was blessed with the best gift anyone could ask for, without you. It’s currently kicking inside of me now. Without you, I survived my suicidal ideations. I got myself medicated without you. Without you, I got my life back on track. I got closer to Jesus without you. All of these things I did without you. 

 

And you know what? I am a freaking fantastic person. And you are missing out. So peace, love, and Spock signal. Hope you are happy. Because I sure am. Happy without you. 

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