Depression, Guest Blogger, Life or Something Like It, Medical

Happy Without You

The Pain of Losing a Friendship

 

In Happy Without You, this young lady shares her feelings about losing a beloved friendship.  Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of the ocean.  That is what I tell so many people because it puts in perspective that the things of this Earth are not forever.  Yet, losing a friendship is so very hard.  I always say you can either release them and enjoy the memories or you can hold onto them and be left with scars as Jesus rips them out of your hand.

 

This story is written by a young lady who is experiencing a loss of her relationship with a friend.  Her pain is evident and this is her way of releasing those emotions in a healthy way.  I pray for peace and restoration for her and her friend.  We always have to remember “but God.”  He is the healer of all things in His time.

 


Happy Without You

 

Happy Without You

 

Happy Without You.  Hey, you know that if you want to hang out with me, you can just text me. Not trying to make you think that I don’t give a shit about you. Would hate for you to feel that way. You know, you really should be careful of what you put out in this world. You could really hurt someone.

Hence the reason I have taken measures to prevent you from hurting me. And this is only one of many instances. I have to do this for my mental health. It was hard and hurtful to me to see and hear those things, these passive aggressive, attention seeking words that really bore deep in my soul. 

 

My Offering and Your Response

 

I have offered to be a friend, have fun, live our lives together, create things, and made things that I knew you would like.  And you decide to say some bullshit like that? And even if you didn’t mean it towards me, maybe it wasn’t your intent. Doesn’t matter. Still hurt. And sorry is not going to fix this. 

 

I am so sick and tired of your antics and your attention seeking behavior. Do you even care about me? You haven’t once asked me how I have been. Not in all of this time.  Not then and not now.  Do you know how much that hurts? Honestly, do you know how badly I want someone I can trust? Do you know how badly I want to be your friend? 

 

Why Stop?

 

You quit texting me. Also, You quit hanging out with me. You. Not me. This is your fault. Not mine. It is all on you. You make things all about you anyway so why should this be any different? I feel unwelcome in your presence. Awkward is what I feel because I cannot trust you. I don’t know how to act around you. Honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. And it is so hard that I can’t trust you anymore. 

 

My Reasons

 

So.. Do you want to know the reason why I don’t make plans? Because every time I have tried, you find someone or something better for you to do. And that hurts. I would go above and beyond to make you feel welcome and that you wouldn’t see my depression.  So you wouldn’t have to see my anxiety. So you wouldn’t have to see my trauma. You don’t seem interested in hanging out with me. Do you ever try and point the finger at yourself? Or is it everyone else’s fault but yours? 

 

What Did I do?

 

What did I do to hurt you? Is this my fault after all? Everything is usually my fault, but that comes from my trauma. But do you even care? No, you don’t bother to ask. I was there for you for everything. I helped you, I supported you, I loved you. And I got nothing in return. And I didn’t want anything. Because that is what true friendship is really like. Or have you forgotten? 

 

I don’t know who you are anymore. I don’t understand your thought process. I don’t understand why you have such disdain for me. I don’t understand your words. I am really hurt. And I can’t trust you. Trust is such a fickle thing for me. Once you break my trust, you are gone. And I gave you so many chances. But no more. I have tried and tried and tried some more to open myself up to you. 

 

What You Don’t Know

 

Do you know that I have been in trauma therapy for months? Do you know the horrors I have had to relive? Do you know how bad my depression has gotten? Do you know that I have panic attacks when I am triggered? Do you know that my anxiety is through the roof most of the time? No. BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE. You obviously don’t care, otherwise you would have said something. You would have asked. 

 

I really want to be passive aggressive back to you. I want to say something so passive aggressive it makes your blood boil. So you could know what it feels like when you say something like what you did. But I am a bigger person.. So I won’t do that. And that is ok. But I secretly want you to read this. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me. I want you to know how many hours I have cried over our friendship. I want you to know. 

 

I Have Always Loved You

 

But it is getting harder and harder to love you with each day. I am heartbroken. And it is your fault. I am not going to sugar coat anything. You are one of the reasons why I don’t trust anyone. Because I trusted you. And you broke it. You betrayed me. I feel so alone. Do you know how badly I wanted to be your friend? Can you even fathom? 

 

You are One of the Best People I Have Ever Known

 

But I don’t even recognize you anymore. And it is not because I judge you. I have never and will never judge you. I have done enough things that I am ashamed of that I do not feel the need to judge every single person I meet. So if that’s the reason you hate me so much, then get that thought out of your head. I have never judged you and never will. But you have changed. The person that I thought cared about me doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

 

Someone to Trust

 

I want someone to tell my story too. That is something I want. I desire that. But I can’t do that with you, you made sure of that. Trauma is a bitch. But I have been stuck in my little bubble for so long that it is hard for me to reach out. Because the times I have tried to reach out, I was judged and I retreated back into my bubble. And now I am working through this messy middle of trauma therapy and it is not easy. Not that you care. Again, you never asked. 

 

So instead of blaming everyone else, why don’t you start blaming yourself? You pushed everyone away, the people closest to you. I was one of those people that you pushed away. You are the definition of a guilt trip. You are such a triggering person. You gaslight people into thinking that it is their fault instead of yours. You guilt and manipulate to get your way. In a way, I am better off without you. 

 

Without You

 

Without you, I survived my trauma. I got married, without you. Without you, I got myself into treatment. I was blessed with the best gift anyone could ask for, without you. It’s currently kicking inside of me now. Without you, I survived my suicidal ideations. I got myself medicated without you. Without you, I got my life back on track. I got closer to Jesus without you. All of these things I did without you. 

 

And you know what? I am a freaking fantastic person. And you are missing out. So peace, love, and Spock signal. Hope you are happy. Because I sure am. Happy without you. 

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