Suicide Prevention

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide

Postpartum Depression and Suicide are a real thing.  The girls’ first 14 months of life was traumatizing for me as their mom. They had several health issues such as,  Intrauterine Growth Restriction, Small For Gestational Age, Failure To Thrive, and many other things. The day of my 30th birthday, things took a turn. The girls were 7 months old. I hadn’t heard from hardly anyone that day. I felt as though everyone had forgotten this birthday.  Honestly, even my husband.  I didn’t hear from him until NOON.

The Plan

That is when Postpartum Depression and Suicide collided.  On the way home that day, from running some errands, I had hit my lowest point. I was going to end it. I had it all planned out.  Then, there was a moment when I heard babble. It was one of my sweet girls reminding me they are still here. It was God reminding me that He wasn’t done with me yet.

Getting Help

The next day, I had spoken to a friend and she gave me the name of her therapist. I called her and began my therapy. Therapy taught me so much about me. I learned that grief came in many forms and looked different for everyone. I learned that the grief from losing Grandaddy and the trauma from the girls had all added up.  That I was suffering from Postpartum Depression (PPD). I did not get any medication because therapy was enough from me. I began to deal with my grief, and even issues from my childhood that had gone unresolved.

Unexpected Blessing

When the girls were 14 months old, I found out I was expecting again, very unexpectedly. We also got a diagnosis for our girls at this time (just before finding out about our pregnancy). I was so scared of PPD again, but I knew I could get through it. I did well.   We had a healthy boy with no IUGR (though he did have a heart defect that resolved on it’s own by 6 months of age).  I first felt him kick about 16 weeks into my pregnancy. Would you like to take a guess at what was on the radio when this happened?

“Baby Blues”

I had a little of the “baby blues” with hormones balancing back out, but I did okay. We went on to have another unexpected pregnancy that took a turn for complications at 26 weeks, and again at 31 weeks. I didn’t feel him kick until about 19 weeks into my pregnancy, which scared me. Grandaddy’s song came on the radio while I was driving down the road, and I felt it. This little kick that gave me reassurance. It was his favorite song to kick as well.  I had been worried about it, but told that I had an anterior placenta so that could be normal. Our sweet baby was delivered and was, again, IUGR and the diagnosis was missed.

Life Got Complicated

Things went on and life got complicated for a while. After a few months, I messaged my OB and my old therapist and told them I was NOT okay. My old therapist said that meds may be a good idea. My OB called me in a prescription.  I also started the process to begin therapy again (and then COVID happened and put a wrench in THAT!).

Looking Back

It has been 4 years since that day when I thought it was all over. Two more babies have been born. Our youngest is now over a year old. I still think about Grandaddy every day. All of my babies know who he is and can identify him in pictures. They talk about him when they ask questions. My girls have discovered grape fruit, and one really likes it. I told her how Grandaddy loved it as well, so she brags about that currently.  In so many things, I see him. I know he has truly been watching over us.

All Four of my Kids Still Love that Song

They will dance and “sing” to it. Life isn’t perfect, but I have weaned off of my anti-depressant now. Every day isn’t great, as our girls are special needs and do require more care. Two days before my 34th birthday, I made the decision to end the relationship with my narcissistic mom. My 34th birthday came and went with no drama. It was filled with peace.


PPD and other postpartum related illnesses effect so many. The day I turned 30, I didn’t know I was struggling with it, but I did know that I couldn’t go on. There is treatment available and there is help. Help that will not judge you. Help that will support you and help you through. Please, please know that you are not alone and you are not at fault. You are strong and you are a warrior. You can do this, and you can survive. I have battle scars, but I have fought hard and they show that. Those scars show the fight. They remind me of where I have been, and that God is not done with me yet.


Postpartum HelpLine 800.944.4773

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Struggling wtih Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

Suicide Prevention

Where to Start

Where to Start

Where to Start?  I guess, if I am going to tell the story of my darkest time, yet biggest recovery….I should start at the beginning, right? My husband and I struggled with infertility for years. After testing, we were told that seeing a fertility specialist was our only option at having children of our own. We were advised there that IVF was our best option.

Beginning IVF

We began our cycle in May of 2015. June 5, 2015 was the day we were scheduled to have our embryo transfer.  An embryo transfer is where they transfer the embryos into the uterus.  Hopefully, they will implant and begin a pregnancy. I woke up to a message, from during the night, that said “taking Grandaddy to the hospital for chest pains.”  Then another that said:  “They’re sending him to Nashville.” I had tried to call as we got our day around and headed to the IVF office. I was an hour ahead, so no one answered.

Transfer Began

We made it to the office, got us ready to go into the transfer room. I’m lying there on the table as my husband holds my hand. They have an ultrasound probe pointed at me and a camera in the lab. “We are selecting the strongest two embryos in hopes that one will implant. As we talked about, this does give you a 33% chance at twins, but that is a manageable pregnancy.”

My World Began to Unravel

We watched as the lab technician drew up two little embryos into a syringe. They brought it to us as we confirmed identification. We watched as these two little babies, our babies, were inserted into a catheter and land in my uterus. “We need you to lay flat for an hour when you leave this room. You can go to the restroom, and then lay down.” I went to the bathroom, came back and laid down and grabbed my phone.
“Grandaddy has had a heart attack. We are on our way, but we aren’t to him yet.” My memory is pretty foggy after that. I know my uncle called me. “Grandaddy is going to pull through. Just like he always has. The doctors have always been wrong.” I knew. I knew the last time I had seen him would be the last time.

A Choice to Make

Our doctor came in and I asked if I could go to Nashville that night. I told him I needed to say goodbye to my Grandaddy. I needed to see him one last time. “You need to decide if you want to see your Grandaddy or if you want these babies and this pregnancy.” I knew what Grandaddy would tell me if he could. He would tell me to take care of the babies. “Grandaddy isn’t going to recover.” The moment the doctors had confirmed what God had already told me was going to happen. I couldn’t go for 48 hours.

If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away

That night, they called all of our family in. When my dad had arrived, they made the call and took Grandaddy off of life support. My brother had called me and let me talk to him before they did. “Grandaddy, it’s your Punkin. I’m pregnant. Do you hear me? I’m pregnant. There are two babies inside me right now growing. Watch over them please. Keep them safe and protect them. If it doesn’t go my way, and I don’t get to keep them, hold them while I wait. I love you always.”
Fifty hours after our embryo transfer, I was at the airport in Detroit, MI to Nashville, TN to come and see my family as we laid my Grandaddy to rest. I took a leap of faith and told everyone we were expecting. At his funeral, we played the song “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away).

June 15, 2015

The day before his 75th birthday, we got the call that we were indeed pregnant. Our first round of IVF was successful. Six weeks into our pregnancy, we found out both embryos had implanted and we were expecting TWINS!! Ten weeks into our pregnancy, we found out there was a complication with baby B. My placenta was too close to my uterus.  There was a chance we could miscarry him/her.
I was on a weight and activity restriction for two more weeks. We decided if baby B survived, we would name this baby after Grandaddy. 20 weeks into our pregnancy, I felt our girls kick for the first time. “If Heaven Wasn’t So Far Away” was playing on the radio when it happened. 35 weeks into our pregnancy, we were told she had a hole in her heart that would need repaired at birth. 37 weeks 5 days into our pregnancy, I was told the babies were out of room and we had to induce. 38 weeks 1 day, I check in and we begin our induction with our sweet girls.

They Are Here

They did not tolerate this well, and because of their struggle, we ended in an emergency c section 27.5 hours later. Baby A was 4lb 12oz. Baby B was 4lb 3oz. One hour after their birth, baby B was taken from us and put into the NICU due to low blood sugar and issues with her temperature. Five days after their birth, they went home with me at just 4lb 6oz. and 3lb 15oz. A few days later, we were told baby B had some concerning blood work and needed to be tested for cystic fibrosis. At 8 weeks, she was tested and it was negative. You see, she has always been Grandaddy’s baby. In July of 2008, we were told not to expect to have him that year for Christmas.

Tomorrow, the Story is Continued.

Business Side of Life, Suicide Prevention

Take Care of Your Mental Health

Guest Blogger, Jenna Sherman, is writing again to help you to find ways to reduce your stress and Take Care of Your Mental Health.  Due to the subject matter of this month and continuing pandemic of Co-vid19, self-care and reducing stress is imperative.

Take Care of Your Mental Health

How Families Can Reduce Stress and Tension During the Pandemic

The COVID-19 pandemic has been going on for months, but for self-isolating households, this time probably feels much longer. Keeping up with current guidelines and information is stressful enough.  Many families are also dealing with stress from being stuck indoors together. Fortunately, there are numerous ways to address household tension.  This will help your family grow closer as you ride out the rest of this pandemic.

Take Care of Your Mental Health

Before you can be there for your family, it’s sometimes necessary to take care of yourself first. Prioritizing your mental health is always important, but it matters even more during these stressful times. Following Barefoot Faith Journey and other bloggers who regularly write about important mental health topics is a great way to start your journey toward better mental health.


Practicing self-care is also important during the pandemic. Self-care can take countless forms, and it means something different to anyone. You might not be able to practice all of your usual self-care habits.  During the pandemic, it still helps to prioritize simple things.  Things such as exercising regularly, getting enough sleep, drinking plenty of water, and eating nutritious foods.


If you find that you are struggling to cope, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) has great resources available to help you through these times. For example, some resources can help you locate treatment options during the pandemic, while others can help you find solutions if you are feeling overwhelmed with finances or other stressors that may have worsened because of the pandemic.


Keep in mind that your children may also find it difficult to cope well with the changes brought on by the pandemic. Listening to your children’s concerns, providing structure to the day and giving context to the news are just a few ways to help, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America.

Spend Time Outside

Getting fresh air is one of the most effective ways to bond as a family during the pandemic while also eliminating stress and boosting everyone’s mental health. You might not be able to enjoy all of the same activities you did before, such as pastimes that require you to be in large crowds, but there are plenty of other ways to get outside.


Going on a camping adventure is a fun and socially-distant way to try something different and get your minds off the situation at hand. Likewise, visiting local parks you haven’t been to before is a nice way to explore your neighborhood and stay active while self-isolating. You can even have fun without having to leave the backyard. Try having a backyard bonfire, playing yard games or stargazing.

Keep Boredom at Bay

Boredom can easily cause tension to rise despite your best efforts. Going outside is a great way to reduce stress.  There are also a variety of fun indoor activities that are equally fun bonding opportunities. For example, having a weekly game night is a good way to pass the time. Opting for cooperative board games and video games will allow you to keep the mood light rather than having it turn competitive.


If you want to get serious about online gaming with each other, make sure your internet connection can keep up. Upgrading to fiber optic internet is a smart move.  Especially if you plan on playing multiplayer games like Fortnite.  Also if you are letting your kids play games while you work from home.

Fiber optic internet can handle several devices at the same time. As an added benefit, a faster internet connection also makes it easier to download or stream movies.  This is good if you want to have a family-friendly movie night.


Some tension is to be expected as your family navigates the pandemic and adjusts to the new normal. However, it’s important not to let stress get the best of you. Checking in with your mental health, getting outside and finding ways to combat stress indoors will help your family weather whatever the pandemic throws your way.

Suicide Prevention

Emotions From This Week’s Story

Emotions From This Week's Story

Emotions From This Week’s Story

My Emotions From This Week’s Story are all over the place.  I have loved this woman since before I even knew she existed and came into my life.  When I met her, it was like my other half.  The fun we have had, the tears we have cried, the food we have cooked, and the yardsales we have done.  My goodness.  Shared histories, shared life stories, so much of my adulthood has had her and her family in it.

I have been holding her hand for almost a quarter of a century.  Or maybe she has been holding my hand.  How’s about we just hold each other’s hands!  When one is up, the other is down.  Then when one is down, the other is up.  When we are both down, we say inappropriate things and bleach our homes.  It’s a thing and it’s our thing, so why mess with what works.

How We Operate

When we are both up, we are a bit hard to handle.  We giggle like school girls, bake, talk, and fix the world’s problems.  I love all of our history.  It has shaped me into who I am today.  It’s like we can read each other’s thoughts.  We feel when things are not right and we call each other out, in love, when we are screwing up.

Life was good until it wasn’t for a season.

A Difficult Time

There was a moment…or decade…that we struggled.  That was a hard chunk of time because I missed my friend.  I knew she was struggling but there was nothing I could do.  Letting her go and us not be a daily part of each other’s lives was the hardest thing ever.

Things happened, as you can read in her story.  Yet, there is so much of her story that had to be left out for a variety of reasons.  One day, she is going to share it for all to hear and it is going to be used for God’s glory.  The strength she has exuded has been that of Christ.

Even in the darkest moments, she knew that she was His daughter.  A daughter of the King.  I cannot even properly articulate how proud I am of where she is now compared to where she was 20+ years ago.  Honestly, or even last year!

Getting the Call

When I received the call that something had happened, I did not hesitate.  I rushed to the hospital and I stood by her side.  There were moments when I fixed her hair, cleaned her up, and whispered in her ear on things that she would find funny.  I prayed over her.  With her family, we all prayed.  We didn’t know if she was going to live or die that day.

Anger ensued as a particular person was there and I made a decision to “use my words” with this human.  It wasn’t received well, threats were made, and I stood my ground for my friend.  He was no longer going to hurt her.  Her family was rallying around her, I was there, where I should have been and we were all going to protect her.

That we did.

The Days Following

Man, they were hard for her and her family.  She woke up and saw the people she loved most.  Her children and family.  She and I talked like we had not missed a beat.  Things were discussed.  Plans were in place.  She had a system and everyone was working towards helping her.  It was amazing.  God is so good.

There have been a couple of relapses where she didn’t use the plan.  Yet, this time, she made a call.  She wanted to live but for a moment, she yielded to the internal pain of all that has happened in her life.  It has been unspeakable the pain that her family went through.  That I went through, as her friend.  Yet, her pain was 1000 times more.  In her right mind, she would have never chosen this.  She was sick and needed help.  The first time help almost didn’t arrive in time. The relapses…they did because SHE made the call for help.

She has Come So Far

My goodness…it seems like a lifetime ago that all this happened, but it wasn’t a lifetime.  It is still fresh and raw in my mind. This is a situation that I still have not fully allowed myself to feel because if I did, I would explode.  Now, we have talked about it, some, but not much.

When she has a bad day, she calls and we work through it.  She has an amazing husband and bonus daughter now.  She has 3 grown children who still like to come over and eat and play games.  Sometimes she has to be reminded how strong she is and how proud we all are that she chose to live.

Her relationship with Jesus is wonderful and she is a strong prayer warrior.  She is in counseling, seeking help, in church, and reaching out to those she loves and feels safe with.  Everyday is a day that is filled with blessings and challenges.

For Me

I am SO glad she lived.  My life has been better with her in it.  I never want anyone to feel the pain and desperation of what she felt.  Never do I want someone to yield…for just one moment.  I can barely breathe when I think about those times.  She is loved by me.  Loved by her husband and children.  She is loved by her family.

I have to go and cry now…my feels are really feeling things.

My friend…I simply love you.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

Domestic Abuse Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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I Will Never Be the Same


Suicide Prevention

I Will Never Be the Same

I Will Never Be the Same


Continued Story

My sweet friend is continuing to write her story.  She is showing so much of herself each time she writes.  In I Will Never Be the Same, she talks about disclosing to a family member.  This family member did the unthinkable.  They chose the abuser over the young girl.

I Don’t Know What is Worse

You believing what I said was true

Or wanting to sweep it under the rug.

How did you not know what was going on?

I remember one time it happened in the middle of the dining room.

Right by the sunroom you always sat in.


Yet you act surprised when they came and got him.

Were you really oblivious or did you just not care?

The things that were done to me changed me forever.

I Will Never be the Same

I grew up to hate myself.

How am I supposed to love others if all I know is hate?

All I know is that you hated me for some reason.

You must have to wanted no one to care.

To make me feel like all you cared about was yourself…

Or worse just him.

The Great Pretender

Even after all the things he did, all you did was pretend.

Pretend it didn’t happen, pretend it didn’t matter.

Your choice to choose him ruined any chance of a relationship with me.

It messed up the relationship you had with your daughter,

Yet you still didn’t care about it.

Out of seven children all you care about it the one.

Too bad you chose the crappy son.


The one that likes to lie to everyone.

He lied to you about everything.

And he told YOU that he was sorry.

He told YOU that he had changed.

But in reality he is not who you make him out to be.

What He Could Have Done

If he was, he would have apologized to Me.

Or at least to his sister and his FAMILY.

All he did was manipulate.

So I hope it was worth it for you.

I hope the loss of a relationship with your grandchild and

the loss of a good standing relationship with a daughter

Is what you can live with for your decisions.

Even Now

Even now when you’re old and confused,

You know deep down you made the wrong excuse.

To choose the one person who ended a whole family with one decision.

I hope one day I’ll forgive you.

For all the things you’ve done.

And not just this one.

But until then you can stay there.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Promised Suicide

Suicide Prevention



“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7  The Lord chose me and His choices are for me to live!

Life-Changing Events

Being young parents is hard.  Tremendously hard.  When you have difficult pregnancies and one delivery that resulted in almost losing my child…it changes you.  Lack of communication, dealing with undiagnosed (and untreated) mental illness (depression and anxiety), and money.  Well, that can wreak havoc on a marriage.  There were also other things that were completely life-changing.  My children and I almost died.  That is the moment when I lost myself.


Because of the events that changed me and 3 beautiful kids forever, I left a good husband.  He did nothing but try to be the best husband.  Honestly, I think he believed that if he just loved me enough, all my past, anxiety, and depression would just go away.  Unfortunately, it didn’t.

Just Keeping Swimming

A failed marriage, a dead-end relationship, and then an abusive marriage is what happened in the blink of an eye.  That relationship and that abuse marriage are things that I never should have been in in the first place.  The abusive marriage caused me to be in a very dark place.

I tried to keep on keeping on but I was treading water.  Barely keeping my eyes above the waves.  Sadly, I went through the motions of life but I wasn’t there anymore.  A terrible accident occurred and I have not recovered from that.  Medical issues and so much more that I cannot even list.  It was just hit after hit.  Day after day.  Minute after minute.

What I Didn’t See

Was that nothing I did was good enough.  He cheated all the time.  Lied.  Abused me mentally, emotionally, and so much more.  He tried to separate me from the people I loved most in the world.  So I tried to take my own life.  I didn’t feel worthy.  I thought that everyone would be better off without me.  My kids and family were isolated from me because of my abusive husband.  I didn’t want to live anymore.

But God

By the grace of God I lived.  My family never left me.  They gave me the strength to leave him and move forward.  I learned how to live on my own, seeking no one’s approval.  This time, I, as an adult, sought help and continue to stay in therapy.  Sadly, I have had a couple of relapses.  However, this time, my family rallied around me and I was not alone.


I am happy to say that I am alive, happiily married again and I have a great support system.  I feel I am a much stronger person now.  The man I am married too is good for me and he loves me.  Now, I have a bonus daughter to add to my crew.  I am loved.

My Advice to You

There have been choices that I have made that were very bad.  Honestly, I regret to this day.  If I could take it all back and have a do over, I would in a heartbeat.  Sadly, I can’t.  So all I can do is learn from them.  I have done that and moved on.  I’ve also learned that it’s okay to have bad days.  Days where you want to curl up in a bed and cry all day.  Maybe eat a gallon of ice cream.

Just don’t stay there.

You are not that person anymore.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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Struggling wtih Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

Struggling wtih Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

Struggling wtih Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age

I have been Struggling wtih Depression and Anxiety at a Young Age.  Since I was a young child.  My parents divorced when I was two and a half years old.  Then both parents remarried.  My mom had two other daughters with my stepfather.  He was was mentally and physically abusive to my mother.  Also, to my sisters and me.  I never knew my real father.  He had remarried and lived somewhere else.  I didn’t have any contact with him.  Never did I know the truth until later.

The Truth Comes Out

I didn’t know he was stepfather until I was 8 years old.  When I found out, I cried because I was confused.  I remember seeing my real dad on visitation once right after he and my stepmom got married.  That was when I was 4 and that was the last time I saw him until I was 14.  No one ever talked about my real dad.  Then, one day, I asked my stepdad about the man who kidnapped me.  That was the story I was always told by my mom.  My stepfather, however, wanted to tell me the truth that he was not my real dad.  He wanted to tell me that the man I was told kidnapped me was actually my biological father.

Seeking Approval

At such an early age, I was always seeking the approval of my mother.  I guess I did this because she never was around.  Since she was never around, I was taking care of my sisters.  Someone had to be the mother after my her second divorce.  Sadly, I was molested by one of my mothers boyfriends when I was 12.  When I was 13 my mother left my sisters and me.  There was no reason, no goodbye, nothing.

Life After She Left

I lived with family members until they didn’t want me.  Then I ended up living with my best friend and her mom.  Finally, at the age of 15, my real father got in contact with me and I went to live with him and his family.  This was  extremely hard because I never really had a family before.  That transition took a lot of getting use to.  Having a stepmother, not knowing how to deal with her, or what to expect from her.  My real mother was not a mother at all.

I Missed My Sisters

My sisters they were living with other family members.  I had to get used to having a father who didn’t physically abuse me.  He was trying to be a father to me and that was something I was not used too.  Furthermore, I was learning how to cope with my anxiety and depression pretty much by myself.  Sure my stepmother got me into therapy as soon as I moved here.  Sadly, I didn’t know how to apply it to myself to help me.  I was 15 years old and still so hurt from my mother abandoning my sisters and me.  She simply didn’t feel like being a mother anymore.  I didn’t see my sisters again until I was 19 years old.

Still Seeking Approval

I tried to hard to have a relationship with my stepmother.  It was next to impossible to have one with her.  She was so difficult to get along with, still I tried.  I married my high school sweet heart right out of high school.  We started dating when I was 16 and he was 15, soon to be 16.  He was my best friend.  Still I struggled so bad with my anxiety and depression.  Our marriage had some pretty rough patches that changed me forever.

Tomorrow is the rest of the story….


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Related Posts

Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

This is When It Began

Suicide Prevention

Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

In Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life, I talk about how I was “introduced” to suicide.  Sadly, I didn’t really understand what it really meant until I was older.  I mean, I saw people sad and I knew that people had died but that was the extent.  Honestly, I didn’t really understand what death meant.  I believe I was 10 years old before I had ever even heard that word.  When I was 14, that is when I experienced what death really was.  There was a deeper understanding because my grandfather had died.

Throughout My Series

Throughout this month, dedicated to Suicide Prevention Awareness, I have documented stories.  All of the stories are from people I personally know and love.  I have been blessed to be in a chapter of the book that God is writing for them.  It has been hard for them to live, much less write.  Also, it has been hard for me to read and publish.  Yet, I tell them that their stories can reach other people.  Their story may be the light that another person needs in order to seek help.  They must go through the pain in order to find healing on the other side.

My Heart Aches

To know what these people have been through, hurts my heart.  I yearn for Jesus to just erase all the bad and come quickly to stop all the hurt and abuse.  He will come, like a thief in the night. He will not come when I want Him too.  Jesus says that all things will be used for His glory, as well.  I have to rest in that knowledge.  He didn’t ordain these acts, abuse, hurt…that was due to free-will of man.  Yet, He did allow it and it will be used for good.

Introduction to the Foreign Concept of Suicide

I was about 10.  The young man was a friend of our family and he loved to ride horses.  I remember, once, riding our horse and she threw me off.  There I was, on the ground, and terrified of this “beast” of a horse.  **I say ‘beast’ because she was just a pony about the size of a large dog.**  She had definitely knocked the breath out of me.  I guess she got spooked.

This friend of the family was outside watching.  His leg was broken and I remember the cast going all the way up his thigh.  I was in awe how he maneuvered around.  As I lay there…crawling away…ready to go and cry in my room and NEVER get on a horse again, here he comes.

Amazing Feat

First, he tossed those crutches (I may be exaggerating here but I was young and the memory plays like a black and white film in my head) down.  Then he leapt on that horse and “tamed” the beast.  Cast and all.  Once he calmed Baby, he jumped off.  I remember him looking me square in the eye and saying “get back on.”  Surely, he was not serious…yet he was.  I tried to squirm out of it and he would not let up.

He hoisted me back up on that beast and off she walked (she was too fat to run).  I was amazed at him and what he did.  He tamed that beast and told me not to be afraid.  After that, I was thrown off many times.  Yet, I remember Lee and I remember that image and those words.

I was no longer afraid.

Then It Happened

Whispers.  Small details.  Crying.  Lee no longer came around.  I didn’t understand and no one said anything above that whisper.  The silence was deafening.  I think of him, often, when I get scared.  Fear is a liar.  I am no longer afraid.

Quickly after that was my next memory of another friend of the family.  Again, same scenario.  He was there, whispers, small details, crying.  He no longer came around.  A sadness fell upon those I loved and I didn’t understand why. The word ‘suicide’ was never used…yet now I know.

In Another Decade of my Life

I lost another person that I loved dearly.  Completely unexpected.  He was so loved by so many people.  Talented beyond anything I could comprehend.  This one rocked me to the core.  Horrible.  It is unnatural to bury your child (even an adult child) due to suicide.  This time, I was old enough to understand all the things and my heart sunk.

And It Keeps Coming Around

My friend that I met in a Christian group…she struggled with so much.  She could not see her worth the way I saw it.  Oh, she is so precious to me.  She has gone through ebbs and flows of her life but in the end, she is one of my people whom I love dearly.  I am so thankful that she was not successful in her attempts.  The Lord knew she was needed and loved.  Sadly, though, I remember getting a message from her telling me her sister had succeeded in her attempt.  The devastation was beyond my comprehension.

The Pain in her Voice…I Still Remember

She still lights candles for her sister and talks about suicide awareness because she wants to spare another family from dealing with what she had dealt with.  I cannot imagine what she still goes through, to this day.  What her parents go through.  That hole never heals.  Again, this generational curse can be broken.  Praying the blood of Jesus to break this and He will.  Seek help, start meds, get into therapy, talk to a friend, reach out.  You could be saving a life.

Now, I Understand

Next week, I will share more memories of loved ones that have affected my thoughts and my heart.

Related Posts

Suicide Amongst the Elderly

This is When It Began

Suicide Prevention

This is When It Began

In This is When It Began, this sweet girl reflects on her father and the beginning of her abuse.  It is so painful for me to read, yet I know that it is going to be healing.  As I have said before, you have to walk through the pain before you can heal.  That is exactly what she is doing.

This is When It Began

I Remember When

I remember the days when we would sit on the couch and watch tv or work on my homework together,

The days when I was the one you cared for the apple of your eye so to speak.

I remember us taking four wheeler rides through our land back when we were still a single family.

Back before the war between the parents where the kids had to chose sides

Where the kids had to learn who would do what.

Relearning Life

This was before the manipulation and the lies from both sides.

I wish we could have the same relationship as we did then.

When you were the one I cared for the most

But then it happened…

You Left.

You should have tried harder.

You should have at least fought for your family

but you gave in and moved out.

This is When it Began.

Mom found a new man.

We stayed with our grandparents most of the time.

This is where the abuse began.

The man who was suppose to be an uncle

turned out to be a child abuser.

As I stayed in silence he became your friend

and this is how it came down in the end.

You Did Nothing but Sit

You didn’t try to do anything.

Instead you said you knew people inside.

This was probably a lie.

Which is you didn’t care what had happened

or at least you didn’t care enough.

If you did, you would have done something… anything would have been enough.

Enough to Show that You Cared for Me

Anything at all would have sufficed.

Years later I still hold you at fault whether I should or not.

I just wish you had seen what was going on.

I mean there were signs.

But I Can’t Blame You for Someone Else’s Decisions

Just for yours at that was to do nothing.

Yes I’m still mad and still sad.

And I know I should forgive you for this one thing.

But I just can’t until I understand why.


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

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My Life is Hard

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Suicide Amongst the Elderly

Suicide Amongst the Elderly

Suicide Amongst the Elderly

Suicide Amongst the Elderly a very serious problem. Although the elderly (age 65 and older) comprise about 13% of the U.S. population, they account for over 18% of all suicides.

The most common cause for elderly suicide, as for all suicides, is untreated depression. Thus, elderly depression needs to be recognized and treated.  And about one third of the seniors who are 65 or older experience depression.


Some individuals believe that depression is a normal part of being elderly, which is completely untrue. Depression is not normal for people of any age. Elderly people with depression have a chemical imbalance in their brain. And that chemical imbalance is extremely common and highly treatable.

However, it is important that an elderly person who exhibits symptoms of depression receives a thorough physical exam from a medical doctor to determine if there is a physical basis for the depression. Some physical conditions and the use of some medications may cause symptoms of depression.

The following disease and physical problems may cause symptoms of depression:

    • thyroid disorders
    • diabetes
    • Parkinson’s disease
    • multiple sclerosis
    • strokes
    • tumors
    • some viral infections


The following medications may cause symptoms of depression:


    • blood pressure medication
    • arthritis medication
    • hormones
    • steriods

Kevin Caruso has so many resources and help on his website.  My Lady struggled so badly after her first round of TIA’s and her stroke.  When her keys were taken away, it was devastating to her.  I remember that she found them and drove to my house.  There I was, homeschooling my kids, and she comes honking in my driveway.  She said she was fine and she wanted to prove that she could do it.  Well, drive she did, she came to me and then went home.  Luckily, we didn’t live far apart.

Depression Set In

Her depression set in because she knew that that part of her life was over.  Her Jerome had gone to be with Jesus and now she couldn’t drive.  My heart sank. I spent everyday with her because I loved her and I couldn’t stand to see that sadness.

Please, check on your elderly neighbors.  Take food, offer to run an errand, just sit and glean from their wisdom…it is so worth it.  My life is better because she was in it.  I adored her.  She stays a part of me everyday.  My dad went through this, as well.  I can see where they feel like a burden to other people.  Remind them that they are not a burden and that they are loved beyond measure.


According to the AAFMT Website   “In 2002, the annual suicide rate for persons over the age of 65 was over 15 per 100,000 individuals; this number increases for those aged 75 to 84, with over 17 suicide deaths per every 100,000. The number rises even higher for those over age 85. Further, elder suicide may be under-reported by 40% or more.”


If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.

ChildHelp Hotline

National Domestic Violence Hotline

Suicide Prevention Lifeline