Trying Differently Rather Than Harder by Diane Malbin
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Some books change the way you see a kid the second you finish them. Trying Differently Rather Than Harder by Diane Malbin is one of those, and the title does a lot of the work before you even open the cover.
Sometimes the answer to a hard behavior is not more pressure or more lectures or one more consequence stacked on the pile that already has not worked. The real answer is learning to see the person differently so you can respond to them differently.
The book leans heavily on Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, FASD, but what it teaches reaches well past that one diagnosis. It helps parents, caregivers, teachers, counselors, social workers, anybody standing next to a child or an adult whose brain works differently and whose behavior keeps confusing everybody trying to help.
FASD comes from prenatal alcohol exposure, and it is serious. There is no known safe amount of alcohol in pregnancy. I do not say that to shame anybody, because shame has never once educated a soul or helped a single child. I say it because awareness and understanding are what actually move the needle. And here is a hard part: a child with FASD does not always have the facial features people are watching for, which is one big reason it gets missed, and why so many of these kids and grown-ups end up mislabeled and treated like they are choosing behavior that is actually wired into the brain.
Seeing the Behavior Differently
When the adults in the room only see defiance or manipulation or laziness or lying, they tend to reach for punishment. If the real root is neurological, punishment does not just fall flat, it usually makes things worse. Malbin walks you toward a different question. Instead of “why won’t this person do better,” she has you ask “what is getting in the way.” That one turn changes almost everything that comes after it.
A behavior that keeps repeating may not be plain disobedience. It might mean the person does not understand, cannot hold the steps in order, cannot settle their own emotions, or cannot meet the demand in that particular moment. None of that erases boundaries. It just means the support has to fit the brain in front of you instead of the brain you wish were there.
This is where “try harder” quietly fails. If somebody is working with a brain-based difference, telling them to put in more effort misses the point, because a lot of times they are already trying as hard as they have got. The better question is whether the environment and the expectations and the way we are communicating need to change. Stop trying harder and start trying differently, as I am always telling my own clients.
What That Looks Like at Home and School
Schools need this one too. A kid who keeps landing in trouble for the same thing over and over does not usually need another consequence. He needs structure and repetition and visual supports, simpler instructions, less noise coming at him, realistic expectations, and adults who understand that a brain-based difference does not evaporate just because a grown-up got frustrated.
Malbin is also careful about labels, and I appreciated that. ADHD, ODD, mood stuff, anxiety, trauma responses, attachment wounds, all of it can overlap with or cover up a deeper neurological picture. None of that makes every hard behavior FASD. It is a reminder to slow down, pay closer attention, and become a student of the person in front of you and the need sitting underneath the behavior.
Trying Differently Rather Than Harder is not the only book to read on FASD or neurobehavioral challenges, but it is a strong place to start. It hands language to something a lot of families and professionals have watched for years without knowing how to name.
I would put it in the hands of foster and adoptive families, teachers, therapists, social workers, medical folks, church leaders, anybody loving a child or an adult whose struggles have never once responded to the usual parenting or discipline. The takeaway is simple to say and hard to live: quit expecting more pressure to fix what pressure has never fixed. Look deeper, and try differently.