Releasing the Fantasy That Control Keeps You Safe
I drove past a field once that had a gate in it. Chained, padlocked, hinges good. And no fence. Not on either side. Just a locked gate standing in the…
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You Can Control Your Response, Not the Trigger
Let’s start with what’s not negotiable, because most advice in this area skips it and loses people immediately. You don’t get to choose your triggers. A certain tone of voice,…
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Why Letting Go Feels Unsafe
People describe this to me in almost physical terms. I asked a woman once what would happen if she stopped checking her husband’s location, and she put her hand flat…
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Control Is Often a Trauma Response
Nobody grows up wanting to be the person who reorganizes the dishwasher after somebody else loads it. We use words like controlling and micromanaging and type A. Those words all…
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When Things Fall Away, You Remain
We started this series back at the beginning of the season with a tree full of leaves and a question about what happens when things start coming loose. Twenty-six posts…
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The Fear That Comes With Release
There’s a thing that happens in therapy that used to catch me off guard when I was new. Somebody comes in month after month, working hard, doing the reading, sitting…
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Letting Go of What Once Sustained You
I want to start by defending the thing you’re about to let go of, because nobody else will. The people-pleasing kept you safe in a house where somebody’s mood determined…
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You Are More Than What You Survived
A woman sat in my office a while back at the good end of hard work. Years of it. She had stopped bracing when doors shut. This woman could say…
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What Healing Actually Looks Like Over Time
A client of mine, years into good, brave work, hit a hard anniversary and spent a weekend flat on the mat. Old symptoms, old thoughts, the works. She came in…
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Co-Regulation: Healing Happens Around Safe People
Watch a mama with a crying baby and you will see the oldest medicine on earth. She does not explain to the baby that the situation is manageable. She picks…
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Learning to Feel Safe in Your Body Again
Every so often a client shows up ready to charge straight at the worst memory on the first visit. They come at it with machete out and a “let’s go”….
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How Trauma Survivors Can Strengthen Their Minds and Build Lasting Resilience
This is a guest post from a contributing writer. The words and views here are the author’s own. I read every guest submission before it runs. However, publishing is not…
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Fawn Mode: When You Lose Yourself to Keep the Peace
I asked her what she wanted, and I meant it as a small question. What do you want to see change in your marriage, your week, your life? She laughed…
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Freeze Mode: When Your Body Shuts Down
Remember the man from earlier in this series, the one who goes completely blank when his wife raises her voice? We owe him a whole post, because freeze is the…
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Flight Mode: When You Can’t Slow Down
She showed me her calendar like it was evidence, and honestly, it was. Three months, not one white square. Work, church committee, kids’ ball, the extra project she volunteered for,…
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Fight Mode: When Anger Is Armor
Everybody in his life calls him a hothead, and nobody says it to his face. His wife measures her words at supper. His kids read the sound of the truck…
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Generational Trauma: What Gets Passed Down Quietly
Every family hands down a recipe box. Some of the cards are pure treasure. The cornbread dressing, the way your people tell stories on the porch, the hymns everybody knows…
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The Trauma of Loving Somebody Through Addiction
You can read a driveway like scripture when you love an addict. Which way the tires crunch the gravel, how long the truck sits before the door opens, what the…
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When Grief Is Also Trauma
I keep a snow globe in my mind for every grieving person I have ever sat with. Early on, the snow never settles. The globe stays shaken, whiteout conditions, and…
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Sexual Trauma and the Long Road Back to Feeling Safe
I am going to write this one carefully. I will tell you up front what I tell clients: nothing here will be graphic. Some of you need this post. Then…