The Grief That Comes Before the Goodbye
There is a kind of grief that no one really prepares you for. Learning to hold what hasn’t fully happened because nothing has “officially” been lost.
They are still here.
You can still see them.
Still talk to them.
And still sit in the same room.
Yet something feels different.
You start to notice changes in their energy, in their memory, and in the way they move through the world. Quietly, without permission, grief begins to show up. This grief is not for what has already happened but for what you can feel coming.
This is the kind of grief that feels confusing because you might catch yourself thinking, “Why am I this emotional? They’re still here.”
So you push it down.
You tell yourself to be grateful.
To stay present.
And to not get ahead of yourself.
However, grief doesn’t follow those rules. It doesn’t wait for permission and it doesn’t wait for a clear ending. Honestly, it begins in the in-between. This is called anticipatory grief and it is real.
It is the ache of watching someone you love change while they are still right in front of you. Also, it is the quiet fear of what you might lose. It is the awareness that time is no longer something you assume you have plenty of. If I’m being honest, it can make you feel like you’re already missing them even while you’re sitting beside them.
That kind of grief can bring guilt with it.
You might think:
“I shouldn’t feel this way yet.”
“What is wrong with me, I need to be stronger.”
“I need to focus on the time I still have.”
Here is the truth you are allowed to hold: You can be present and still grieve. Also, you can love this moment and still feel the weight of what is changing. You are not doing anything wrong by feeling both. In fact, it means you are paying attention. Remember that paying attention is a form of love.
So instead of pushing it away, what if you gently named it? This isn’t to dwell or spiral but to acknowledge.
This acknowledgement says that:
“It matters to me.”
“This is hard.”
“I love them enough to feel this deeply.”
Because this kind of grief is not a sign that you are losing control. It is a sign that your heart is still open.
Moment of Honesty
I began the anticipatory grief several years ago, but as daddy got better, that feeling was sort of “pushed” to the side. The “norm” was different but I could deal with that, then Thanksgiving 2025 happened and that is when it came flooding back. I was flooded with anger, fear, logical, realization, derealization, dissociation, mindful, and so many more emotions.
Since losing daddy on March 11, 2026, my fear has shifted to every single thing that could possibly happen with my mom. She is good, as good as she can be after losing the man she has loved for 64 years. However, the fear is still there and palpable. One thing I did do, am I am so thankful, was I came up with a list of questions for me to answer about each parent. I took those questions and sat with them and answered them thoughtfully. From those answers, I wrote out a poem or prose for each of them. I was able to read daddy’s for this 82nd birthday and I read mom’s for her 80th birthday. It totally encompasses all the things that I wanted/needed to say…privately and I’m so thankful that I did that.
Grief shows up daily in my life and in random moments of tears. Trying to find that smell that only smells like him. Anger. I’ve been angry a lot. I can’t seem to collect my thoughts when I am home but I am hyper-focused at work. Dissociation, not sleeping well at night, not eating much and exhaustion.
Prayer
God, sit with me in this in-between. Help me hold what I feel without fear or shame. Teach me how to be present and honest at the same time.
COH Info
💛 If you’re navigating the emotional weight of loving someone through change, you don’t have to carry it alone.
Circle of Hope Counseling Services offers faith-filled, trauma-informed support for individuals, couples, and families.
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