Faith Journey

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

“True Beauty”

Do You think that a California girl is supposed to have curls and wear a jean size 3?
All the curves in all the right places, spray tanned faces like on TV?
And we read in the gospel of Vogue that we’re all supposed to dress and move and be
Visions of perfection
Such a misconception
‘Cause the real connection is deeper than the eye can see

This reminds me of a post that I wrote about the little squares of life.  We do use social media to compare ourselves to others.  Anyone can control what they specifically present to the world.  What you don’t see is the chaos behind the phone and in the background.

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Aw, Psalm 139, about how God created us.  If you haven’t read it, you should!

World Versus Truth

Don’t know much about Dolce and Gabbana
Seems like a lot of drama to me
And you can keep all your red high heels
And open-toed shoes – I’m good in my bare feet
Lets get down to the nitty gritty
Enough sex and the city
What about purity?
Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that’s burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see

Purity is a rarity these days.  How sad is that?  It is such a slippery slope when you fall in “lust” with someone else.  Even if that someone is your forever.  Everyone can fall prey to their emotions.  It is natural.  We just need to be wise, be held accountable, and don’t be alone with the opposite sex.  Saves a whole lot of hurt, even if you are engaged!

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Love and Peace

Doesn’t come in a bottle, doesn’t come in a box
You can’t spray it on, you can’t wash it off
You can’t nip and tuck, you can’t sew it up
So don’t waste your time
It’s the love in your heart, the peace in your soul
The hope in your smile lets the whole world know
This little light – you gotta let it shine

Love in your heart, peace, hope, smile, and shine is so important.  This is can also be so hard to accomplish.  As a person, that deals with mental illness, it can be really hard.  This is just something that we all need to work on.  I need to put sticky notes up that remind me of these things.

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

This song, True Beauty, is one that I have not heard in years.  When this album came out, I bought it.  Listened to it faithfully.  Then, life happened and over the years, things get misplaced.  I was working on my “Worship” playlist that I listen to often from Youtube.  Shackles is a song that I love and that was what I was looking for.  Then, I found the album.

Thought that since I am working on my blog and feeling the urge to write, I would listen to it.  I heard this song and it felt like warm water was poured over me.  It speaks to me on a completely different level than it did way back when she released this song.

Events of Today

As I was ministering to a heartbroken young lady, today, we talked about beauty from ashes.  This is in Isaiah 61:3.  It is one of my favorite verses.  Her voice has been stifled for so long.  From the abuse that she experienced to what is to come, she has been silenced.  In her eyes, broken.

We talked about how the Lord has a purpose for all that went on and is going on.  One day, she was going to find the strength to use her story to help others.  She would, indeed, hold the hand of another and walk them through the ashes to help them find their beauty.

Encouragement

I hope that you find encouragement that you are not alone.  You are loved beyond measure.  Regardless of your past, current, or future circumstances, God loves you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!  You have to do nothing to gain His love.  Also, you can do nothing to lose His love.  He loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day till He calls you home.

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Sadness in America and the Celebration of New Year in Ethiopia

Sadness in America and the Celebration of New Year in Ethiopia

Today, September 11, 2020, is a hard, yet beautiful day.  There is Sadness in America and yet the Celebration of New Year in Ethiopia.  When you are raising a son, from this beautiful country, you want to celebrate their traditions. This helps him understand and honor his culture.  Yet, as an American, this day is extremely difficult.  The difficulty is due to the attacks on our country.

September 11 attacks - Wikipedia

Sadness in America

Four commercial jets were hijacked. American Airlines Flight 11 crashed into Tower One (the north tower) of the WTC at 8:50 AM.  United Airlines Flight 175 then crashed into Tower Two at 9:04 AM.  American Airlines Flight 77 crashed into the Pentagon.  United Airlines Flight 93 crashed into a field near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

The fourth jet was to target the United States Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. Instead, the plane crashed in a field in Pennsylvania.  Amazingly, the passengers on the flight fought against the hijackers to regain control of the plane.

The Collapse

Tower Two of the World Trade Center collapsed at about 10:00 AM. At 10:30 AM, Tower One also collapsed.  The attacks resulted in the deaths of 2,977 people.  The victims included 246 passengers and crew on the four planes.  Sadly, 2,606 in New York City, both in the towers and on the ground.  Also, 125 individuals at the Pentagon.  Men, women, and children from more than 90 countries died in these attacks.

Terrorist Death

The 19 terrorist hijackers also died in the attacks. The hijackers were Islamic terrorists from Saudi Arabia.  Furthermore, several other Arab nations reportedly backed financially.  Saudi fugitive Osama bin Laden and his al-Qaeda network did this.

In 2004, Osama bin Laden, the leader of al-Qaeda, claimed responsibility for the attacks. Al-Qaeda and bin Laden cited U.S. support of Israel, the presence of U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia, and sanctions against Iraq as reasons for the attacks.

Ethiopian New Year's Day - US

The Celebration of the New Year

As a harbinger of the New Year (Enkutatash), a song called ‘Abebayehosh‘ is performed by groups of Ethiopian girls. You could be at home in your PJs, sipping on some coffee, or maybe taking a stroll.  Then, a group of girls might approach you beating their drums, clapping, and singing the traditional song.

 

Ethiopia celebrates New Year 7 years behind the Gregorian calendar

The Ethiopian Calendar is seven to eight years behind the Gregorian calendar. Interestingly, Ethiopia’s New Year (Enkutatash) means the “gift of jewels”.

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Faith Journey

Blessed Assurance

Blessed Assurance

Blessed Assurance

This hymn, Blessed Assurance, was sung yesterday by our praise and worship team at church. I love old hymns. We do not sing them often. When we do, it is played with instrumentation. My old soul truly loves the piano and hymns.

I was quite surprised that this one came up to sing. We had Hunter in the service with us because we are trying to keep him as contained as possible from the cooties that are so freely shared amongst kids his age. He had been standing by Bart and then wanted me to hold him.

Now, he is almost 50 lbs. He is a bit heavy for me, yet, I held him for as long as I could manage. Then, while we were still singing, I sat down. We rocked while this song permeated my soul. He had his little head on my shoulder and was playing with my ponytail. Such a precious moment that I wanted to soak up.

This Song

I have sung 1005 times throughout my life. I know it by heart. When I was young, I remember sitting by my mama in “her pew” at church. However, my season of life has ebbed and flowed since I was a child. There have been lots of things that have happened throughout the last 40 years. Honestly, it has been a long time since I have heard this song being sung.

As I Listened…Things Happened Within Me

There was peace and not just any kind of peace. It was a blessed assurance type of peace. See, I’ve been so angry over so many things. I mask my anger with laughter and lightness. Occasionally I mask it with organizing or cleaning. There was no masking anything right now. I feel like I see it all so clearly.

Here I am, sitting with my son whom I was told would “succumb” to his illness. I was told there was nothing that could be done for him. Then next to him, I sat next to my #2 daughter, She is struggling with finding herself, truth, and direction. She is excited and scared and ready for a certain journey.

Next to her sat my #6 son

He is struggling to fit in because he was born to not fit into any box. He is deaf with a magnetic in his head. Sadly, he is perceived as rude or disrespectful, or absentminded because he cannot hear you, yet he doesn’t announce it. He struggles with wearing his hearing aid because he is made fun of. To add an element of fun, he has been bullied and had some racist remarks made to him. Recently, he was diagnosed with Generalized Epilepsy and Functional Neurological Disorder. These things come with so many other issues.  

Next to him was daughter #3.

She is angry all the time. There is so much that she wants but cannot stick with it unless I micromanage her life. She does not want me doing that, so she is stuck. Desperately, she wants to be loved and heard and do all the things that kids do her age. Sadly, her mental capabilities prevent a lot of that dynamic. Everything is one or two steps late. She will eventually catch up. Honestly, she just wants it all NOW.

Then we have, sitting next to her, our #5 child.

He is struggling with fitting in, being appropriate, remembering anything, confabulation, yielding to peer pressure, and getting punished and “earmarked” for that yielding. He has no clue who he is or the direction he is going in. Honestly, he just knows that he is angry and jealous.

Behind us was the #4 child with his female friend.

Again, he is searching, struggling in areas. Learning how to grow up and act the age he is. Wanting more than what he can afford or have. He is wanting those freedoms but not at the price that is set forth for him to get them. Trying to find his place in the life choices he is making for his future. This is tough stuff.

His female friend is getting her feet wet in independence and learning some tricks of the trade. She is making hard decisions about her future. In a month there is very difficult for her and her family. Sadly, she is missing parts of her family. There are lots of layers to unfold with her.

Lest We Not Forget #1 Child and her Male Person

Things are better with them, but still, lots of communication growth required. So much learning in that first year of marriage. Some medical issues are cropping up and boundary issues that need to be addressed. Big life decisions are coming. Just a whole lot of everything.

As I Sat

I realized how angry I was that we were “still” dealing with the things that we deal with daily. We have children with special needs (remember that phrase. It is NOT special needs children…they are CHILDREN first!) Yet, we have the same issues day in and day out. It’s like I’m living in the movie Groundhog Day all day long, every day.

Anger is fear and/or sadness. I am fearful about their futures and what will happen. Honestly, I am sad that a few of my children may have a limited future due to their specific needs. It hurts my heart because I cannot eloquently explain all the reasons. They simply do not understand.

Today

Blessed Assurance, Jesus is mine. This is my story, this is my song, praising my Savior all the day long. As I was holding him, that phrase stopped my singing. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. All of this insanity around me IS my STORY. It IS my SONG. This STORY and SONG is for me before God created anything. He knew me, my life from beginning to end, the children, the needs, and He perfectly wrote the lyrics to my SONG.

I have been singing my song, out of tune, for a lot of years. Today, I felt myself finally singing in tune with this beautiful hymn because I had a glimpse of understanding. 

Now

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this knowledge. Hopefully, the Lord will continue to press this into me. I will glean more from this epiphany that I truly felt like I had had today in church. Always, I ask for prayers for my children and my husband. Now, I ask for prayer for me to fully understand and discern this thought that is traveling through my brain.

Lyrics

 

Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine! O what a foretaste of glory divine! Heir of salvation, purchase of God, Born of his Spirit, washed in his blood. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long. Perfect submission, perfect delight, Visions of rapture now burst on my sight; Angels descending bring from above Echoes of mercy, whispers of love. This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long; This is my story, this is my song, Praising my Savior all the day long.

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Thoughts on Psalm 22

Thoughts on Psalm 22

Thoughts on Psalm 22

My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
    Why are you so far away when I groan for help?
Every day I call to you, my God, but you do not answer.
    Every night I lift my voice, but I find no relief.

Yet you are holy,
enthroned on the praises of Israel.
Our ancestors trusted in you,
and you rescued them.
They cried out to you and were saved.
They trusted in you and were never disgraced.

 

Section 2

But I am a worm and not a man.
    I am scorned and despised by all!
Everyone who sees me mocks me.
    They sneer and shake their heads, saying,
“Is this the one who relies on the Lord?
    Then let the Lord save him!
If the Lord loves him so much,
    let the Lord rescue him!”

Yet you brought me safely from my mother’s womb and led me to trust you at my mother’s breast.
10 I was thrust into your arms at my birth.
    You have been my God from the moment I was born.

11 Do not stay so far from me,
for trouble is near,
and no one else can help me.

Section 3

12 My enemies surround me like a herd of bulls;
fierce bulls of Bashan have hemmed me in!
13 Like lions they open their jaws against me,
roaring and tearing into their prey.
14 My life is poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart is like wax,
melting within me.
15 My strength has dried up like sunbaked clay.
My tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth.
You have laid me in the dust and left me for dead.
16 My enemies surround me like a pack of dogs;
an evil gang closes in on me.
They have pierced my hands and feet.
17 I can count all my bones.
My enemies stare at me and gloat.
18 They divide my garments among themselves
and throw dice for my clothing.

 

Section 4

19 Lord, do not stay far away!
    You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!
20 Save me from the sword;
    spare my precious life from these dogs.
21 Snatch me from the lion’s jaws and from the horns of these wild oxen.

22 I will proclaim your name to my brothers and sisters.
I will praise you among your assembled people.
23 Praise the Lord, all you who fear him!
Honor him, all you descendants of Jacob!
Show him reverence, all you descendants of Israel!
24 For he has not ignored or belittled the suffering of the needy.
He has not turned his back on them but has listened to their cries for help.

 

Section 5

25 I will praise you in the great assembly.
    I will fulfill my vows in the presence of those who worship you.
26 The poor will eat and be satisfied.
    All who seek the Lord will praise him.
    Their hearts will rejoice with everlasting joy.
27 The whole earth will acknowledge the Lord and return to him.
    All the families of the nations will bow down before him.
28 For royal power belongs to the Lord.
    He rules all the nations.

29 Let the rich of the earth feast and worship.
    Bow before him, all who are mortal,
    all whose lives will end as dust.
30 Our children will also serve him.
    Future generations will hear about the wonders of the Lord.
31 His righteous acts will be told to those not yet born.
    They will hear about everything he has done.

Thoughts

A couple of weeks ago, there was a family that I happened to run across on Instagram.  Apparently, they are a YouTube family, though I have never seen their videos.  Anyway, this mama is a bonus mom of 1, and then she had 4 sons.  Her youngest son was put down for a nap, the day after Christmas (I believe) and when she went to check on him, he was not breathing.

In the next few days, they ask for prayers for their 3 mth old baby.  Sadly, that baby left this Earth and joined our Father, in heaven.  This family, from all accounts, are believers, yet that mama is so angry with God.  Listen, I get it!  I put my son down for a nap and when he woke up, our lives were changed forever.

My heart simply aches.

Like aches to the point of I don’t even know what to pray and “sorry” seems so trivial.  I mean, I don’t even know these people but this is breaking my heart.  Guys, people are being SO mean in the comments.  This family…they are living in a nightmare and they read all these horrible things.

I’m just gonna say this now…I know no one or their family will ever read my blog, but if you ever find yourself looking into someone’s nightmare this is some advice.  Shut the hell up!

Just shut up.

If you can’t be nice, kind, show sympathy or empathy, or are just an asshole, then keep your opinions to your freaking self!  Do not say “well, if you had not vaccinated, if you had done this or that it wouldn’t have happened.”  For real…shut up!  That child is a child of the King.  His life was already written and glory will happen in this story. For the love of all that is good and holy…if you don’t have something nice to say then do not speak.

My prayers, though not eloquent go out to the Leach family in the loss of their sweet Crew.  May the Prince of Peace wrap His arms around you and comfort you all in this horrific time.

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Thoughts on Psalm 19

Thoughts on Psalm 19

Thoughts on Psalm 19

Thoughts on Psalm 19

The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
    The skies display his craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
    night after night they make him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
    their voice is never heard.
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
    and their words to all the world.

God has made a home in the heavens for the sun.
It bursts forth like a radiant bridegroom after his wedding.
It rejoices like a great athlete eager to run the race.
The sun rises at one end of the heavens
and follows its course to the other end.
Nothing can hide from its heat.

 

Thoughts

I have a sweet friend, Teresa, who loves her hill.  She yearns for the warmth of Florida, yet remains steadfast until the Lord calls her to leave that hill.  In her waiting, she posts the most beautiful pictures of sunrises and sunsets that I have ever seen.  When I read this passage of Scripture…I think of her and her pictures of the skies proclaiming His Name with silence and beauty.

Section 2

The instructions of the Lord are perfect,
    reviving the soul.
The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy,
    making wise the simple.
The commandments of the Lord are right,
    bringing joy to the heart.
The commands of the Lord are clear,
    giving insight for living.
Reverence for the Lord is pure,
    lasting forever.
The laws of the Lord are true;
    each one is fair.
10 They are more desirable than gold,
    even the finest gold.
They are sweeter than honey,
    even honey dripping from the comb.

Section 3

11 They are a warning to your servant,
    a great reward for those who obey them.

12 How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart?
    Cleanse me from these hidden faults.
13 Keep your servant from deliberate sins!
    Don’t let them control me.
Then I will be free of guilt
    and innocent of great sin.

14 May the words of my mouth
    and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing to you,
    Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

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Thoughts on Psalm 18

Thoughts on Psalm 18

Thoughts on Psalm 18

Psalm 18.  Beautiful.  Just all beautiful.

Psalm 18

I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

 

Section 2

The ropes of death entangled me;
    floods of destruction swept over me.
The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
    death laid a trap in my path.
But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
    yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
    my cry to him reached his ears.

Then the earth quaked and trembled.
    The foundations of the mountains shook;
    they quaked because of his anger.
Smoke poured from his nostrils;
    fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
    Glowing coals blazed forth from him.

Section 3

He opened the heavens and came down;
    dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
10 Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew,
    soaring on the wings of the wind.
11 He shrouded himself in darkness,
    veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
12 Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him
    and rained down hail and burning coals.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
    the voice of the Most High resounded
    amid the hail and burning coals.
14 He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;
    great bolts of lightning flashed, and they were confused.
15 Then at your command, O Lord,
    at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
    and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.

16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
    from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
18 They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
    but the Lord supported me.

Thoughts

Uhm, HECK YES!  If I were the only person on the face of the Earth, He would do this for me!  He would soar down and grab me from the clutches of the depths of the Earth and avenge me!

Heck yes!

Section 4

19 He led me to a place of safety;
    he rescued me because he delights in me.
20 The Lord rewarded me for doing right;
    he restored me because of my innocence.
21 For I have kept the ways of the Lord;
    I have not turned from my God to follow evil.
22 I have followed all his regulations;
    I have never abandoned his decrees.
23 I am blameless before God;
    I have kept myself from sin.
24 The Lord rewarded me for doing right.
    He has seen my innocence.

25 To the faithful you show yourself faithful;
    to those with integrity you show integrity.
26 To the pure you show yourself pure,
    but to the crooked you show yourself shrewd.
27 You rescue the humble,
    but you humiliate the proud.
28 You light a lamp for me.
    The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness.

Thoughts

Gracious…I am OVERWHELMED!  Well, I know you won’t get this, but if my sisters are reading this statement…I AM SHAKING MY TAMBOURINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Section 5

29 In your strength I can crush an army;
    with my God I can scale any wall.

30 God’s way is perfect.
All the Lord’s promises prove true.
He is a shield for all who look to him for protection.
31 For who is God except the Lord?
Who but our God is a solid rock?
32 God arms me with strength,
and he makes my way perfect.
33 He makes me as surefooted as a deer,
enabling me to stand on mountain heights.
34 He trains my hands for battle;
he strengthens my arm to draw a bronze bow.
35 You have given me your shield of victory.
Your right hand supports me;
your help has made me great.
36 You have made a wide path for my feet
to keep them from slipping.

 

Section 6

37 I chased my enemies and caught them;
    I did not stop until they were conquered.
38 I struck them down so they could not get up;
    they fell beneath my feet.
39 You have armed me with strength for the battle;
    you have subdued my enemies under my feet.
40 You placed my foot on their necks.
    I have destroyed all who hated me.
41 They called for help, but no one came to their rescue.
    They even cried to the Lord, but he refused to answer.
42 I ground them as fine as dust in the wind.
    I swept them into the gutter like dirt.
43 You gave me victory over my accusers.
    You appointed me ruler over nations;
    people I don’t even know now serve me.
44 As soon as they hear of me, they submit;
    foreign nations cringe before me.

Section 7

45 They all lose their courage
    and come trembling from their strongholds.

46 The Lord lives! Praise to my Rock!
    May the God of my salvation be exalted!
47 He is the God who pays back those who harm me;
    he subdues the nations under me
48     and rescues me from my enemies.
You hold me safe beyond the reach of my enemies;
    you save me from violent opponents.
49 For this, O Lord, I will praise you among the nations;
    I will sing praises to your name.
50 You give great victories to your king;
    you show unfailing love to your anointed,
    to David and all his descendants forever.

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Thoughts on Psalm 1 & 2

Thoughts on Psalm 1 & 2

Psalm 1

Oh, the joys of those who do not
    follow the advice of the wicked,
    or stand around with sinners,
    or join in with mockers.
But they delight in the law of the Lord,
    meditating on it day and night.
They are like trees planted along the riverbank,
    bearing fruit each season.
Their leaves never wither,
    and they prosper in all they do.

But not the wicked!
They are like worthless chaff, scattered by the wind.
They will be condemned at the time of judgment.
Sinners will have no place among the godly.
For the Lord watches over the path of the godly,
but the path of the wicked leads to destruction.

Thoughts

This coming up year, 2020, I want to focus on reading and meditating more on Scripture.  The last time I read the Bible was the year before my Lady went to visit Jesus.  She inspired me to dig in and learn.  Ask questions and pray.  Once I read it through again, I thought…well, I’m good for a while LOL.  I think that after I read through the Bible every single time.

Yet, I realize that I breathe better, think better, and act better when I’m constantly in the Word.  It makes me mindful of my choices and words.  My bestie posted something on FB that hurt my heart.  I know that is Jesus directly speaking to me and boy when He corrects (disciplines) His children, it is painful!

Marinate on this!

“Pay attention to what people say out of anger, they’ve been dying to tell you that.”  Now, I rephrase that for me.  Pay attention to what I say out of anger, I’ve been dying to tell people that.

Hurts, doesn’t it?

 

Psalm 2

Why are the nations so angry?
    Why do they waste their time with futile plans?
The kings of the earth prepare for battle;
    the rulers plot together
against the Lord
    and against his anointed one.
“Let us break their chains,” they cry,
    “and free ourselves from slavery to God.”

But the one who rules in heaven laughs.
    The Lord scoffs at them.
Then in anger he rebukes them,
    terrifying them with his fierce fury.

Section 2

For the Lord declares, “I have placed my chosen king on the throne
    in Jerusalem, on my holy mountain.”

The king proclaims the Lord’s decree:
“The Lord said to me, ‘You are my son. 
    Today I have become your Father. 
Only ask, and I will give you the nations as your inheritance,
    the whole earth as your possession.
You will break them with an iron rod
    and smash them like clay pots.’”

10 Now then, you kings, act wisely!
    Be warned, you rulers of the earth!
11 Serve the Lord with reverent fear,
    and rejoice with trembling.
12 Submit to God’s royal son, or he will become angry,
    and you will be destroyed in the midst of all your activities—
for his anger flares up in an instant.
    But what joy for all who take refuge in him!

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Thoughts on Psalm 139

Thoughts on Psalm 139

Psalm 139.  I love love love this passage!

Psalm 139

Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.

Thoughts

Let me start off by saying, this is, hands down, one of my most favorite passages.  When I see that He examines my heart, that grieves me.  Right now, my heart is full of hurt and anger.  There so much pain, sadness, and confusion.

Life has happened, lately, and it has happened hard.  There have been hard truths spoken, hard realities of circumstances, just hard.  I have not trusted God with it, I have stored up anger and He sees that.

My head is not a place I want to dwell and the fact that He knows my thoughts…painful. The thought in my head is not Godly.  I want revenge.  There are people I want to pay for the things that they have done/said to one of my children.  Yet, I know that isn’t right.

The fact that He knows the words that I am going to say before I say it.  I am, honestly, ashamed at my mouth and the words that have flown so freely.  Oh.  Life is so hard.  It is so hard because I’m flesh.

Section 2

You go before me and follow me.
    You place your hand of blessing on my head.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too great for me to understand!

I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

 

Thoughts

Oh, my stars.  The fact that I have to go and speak to the people that I have to speak to tomorrow, gets me all up in the flesh.  Yet, He goes before me.  His Light will shine on all the darkness that will shroud that building.

Lord, please clamp my mouth shut and allow me to find solace and comfort in Exodus 14:14 because I want to hurt someone for hurting my child the way that they have.  Please be my words and my actions as I meet with the people who have a job to protect my child, yet they don’t.  Shine Light.

Section 3

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

 

Thoughts

Marinate on that.  Just marinate.

Section 4

17 How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.
    They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
    they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
    you are still with me!

19 O God, if only you would destroy the wicked!
    Get out of my life, you murderers!
20 They blaspheme you;
    your enemies misuse your name.
21 Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you?
    Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you?
22 Yes, I hate them with total hatred,
    for your enemies are my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

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Thoughts on Psalm 131

Thoughts on Psalm 131

Thoughts on Psalm 131

Thoughts on Psalm 131.  Keeping hope seems so futile at times.  Especially when you look through the lens of the prince of the earth (satan).  During the height of Hunter’s illness, I would waiver between deep faith and hope.  Then there were days when I had none.  In those “none” days, I had my sister and mom who would come behind me and hold my arms up to help me continue to fight.  Where I had no hope, they did.  They reminded me of who I am and Whose I am.  Also, Hunter is a child of the King and He loves him far more than I could ever love him.  There is a plan.  I just don’t see it yet.

Psalm 131

Lord, my heart is not proud;
    my eyes are not haughty.
I don’t concern myself with matters too great
    or too awesome for me to grasp.
Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself,
    like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk.
    Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord
    now and always.

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Psalm 94

 

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Thoughts on Psalm 129

Thoughts on Psalm 129

Thoughts on Psalm 129

Thoughts on Psalm 129.  People not liking me is an everyday part of life.  I used to try and fix it.  There were times when I would force someone to tell me what I did wrong and how I can make it better.  I have apologized, sincerely, without knowing what I am apologizing for.  There have been excuses made, I have changed how I do things, just to please a man.

Let me tell you, that crap is for the birds.  If someone doesn’t like you or a friendship dissipates, let it go!  Just let the crap go.  If you know you have done something wrong, absolutely apologize.  Otherwise, shake the dust off your feet because it is not your problem.  The other person has an issue and until they can come to you, to discuss it, leave it alone.

It is not my job to please men and to make people like me.  God fights those battles.  I just need to be silent. (Ex. 14:14)

Psalm 129

From my earliest youth my enemies have persecuted me.
    Let all Israel repeat this:
From my earliest youth my enemies have persecuted me,
    but they have never defeated me.
My back is covered with cuts,
    as if a farmer had plowed long furrows.
But the Lord is good;
    he has cut me free from the ropes of the ungodly.

May all who hate Jerusalem
    be turned back in shameful defeat.
May they be as useless as grass on a rooftop,
    turning yellow when only half grown,
ignored by the harvester,
    despised by the binder.
And may those who pass by
    refuse to give them this blessing:
“The Lord bless you;
    we bless you in the Lord’s name.”

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