Tag: Trust

Trauma and Healing

Letting Light Back In After Darkness

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

Letting Light Back In After Darkness

Letting Light Back In After Darkness

Emotional openness

After darkness, light can feel overwhelming. Healing does not always feel comforting at first. Safety can feel unfamiliar. Calm can feel exposed.

Letting light back in is a process. You do not open all the windows at once. You crack one open and notice how it feels.

Scripture reminds us that light reveals, but it also warms. It brings clarity slowly. You are allowed to control how much light enters your space.

Emotional openness is not about vulnerability without boundaries. It is about choosing when and how to soften.

You are not broken for flinching at the light. You are learning how to trust it again.

 

 

 

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Trust the Period

Brandi Crum, MA, LMFT

trust

Trust the Period

There are times in life when God says, “It’s done.”
A relationship ends.
A door closes.
A chapter finishes.
And yet—we still stand there, confused, clutching the pen, trying to rewrite what God already finished.

“Never put a question mark where the Lord put a period.”

We ask:
But what if I tried harder?
What if I misunderstood?
What if it wasn’t supposed to end like that?

But here’s the truth:
When God ends something, it’s not to punish you. It’s to protect, redirect, and refine you.

Let God’s Period Be Enough

God sees the full picture. He knows what’s ahead.
And sometimes the greatest act of trust is not in the open door—but in walking away from the closed one.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.”
— Proverbs 3:5–6 (NIV)

It’s not easy.
We like answers. We crave closure.
But faith often asks us to release the pen—and believe that God knows how the story ends.

A Gentle Challenge

📝 Try this: What are you still questioning that God already resolved? A breakup? A job loss? A redirection? Write it down. Then write a prayer of surrender next to it.

It doesn’t have to make sense right now.
It just has to be surrendered.

Let the period be enough.
Let God write the next sentence.
Trust that the Author of your story is faithful—and still working.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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The Prophecy and The Call

Brandi C

The Prophecy and The Call

The Prophecy and The Call

In December, we found ourselves at church, preparing for worship. After several months of church hunting, we had settled on one that we had initially been hesitant to visit. We knew the pastor and his wife, along with a few families, but we hadn’t been attending for long. It felt different from the churches we were used to. What we weren’t prepared for were the The Prophecy and The Call.

People Watching

Before the service began, the pastor called up a man to give a “word” to some members of the congregation. We had learned that this practice was somewhat common, but it was still unusual for our family. We sat, watching this man pace in front of the congregation.

I’m naturally a people-watcher, and one thing that caught my attention was that the man never opened his eyes as he paced and spoke. He kept touching the inside of his hands, and it was clear that he felt uncomfortable but was determined to be obedient. He shared that he had received a word from the Lord and wanted to make sure it wasn’t just his own thoughts. Through sleepless nights, he confirmed it was from God, and he knew he had to obey.

The Word

The man said that he had a word for someone in the congregation. As he continued pacing, I felt a strange shift in the atmosphere. When he stopped directly in front of Big Daddy, I felt like the air was sucked out of the room. He asked Big Daddy to stand up, and I looked to the altar. Our pastor smiled at me and gave a reassuring nod, signaling that everything was okay.

The Man

The man, whom we had never met before, told Big Daddy to hold onto his hand. Big Daddy is not a small man—his hands are enormous, so when he stood, he commanded attention. The man then said, “Hold on. Hold on tight to the rope and do not let go. Trust and hold on tight.” I felt a wave of energy flow through me, and tears streamed down my face. I don’t often cry, but in that moment, I knew we were about to embark on something challenging.

The Beginning of 2017

As the year started, life seemed to spiral. My father had quadruple bypass surgery. Then, my niece was sentenced to prison, and my nephew was close behind her. My daughter went to military school due to behavioral issues, and we faced a devastating family situation involving another baby. Add onto that, my oldest daughter called off her engagement, lost her job, and we were fighting insurance companies over my son’s surgery. On top of all that, my Lady got sick. The weight of it all felt unbearable, but the reminder to “hold on” stayed with us.

Even More Challenges

Big Daddy and I worked hard to navigate a difficult family situation. We did everything we could, but ultimately, it was out of our hands. I confided in a friend, and she told me to “hold onto hope.” She also shared that the Hebrew meaning of “hope” is “rope,” so we should hold onto the rope. I paused, texted her back, and asked who had told her that. She said it was a word from the Lord for me. I asked if she knew the man from church who had said the same thing, and she didn’t. That was the second time we had heard the message to “hold on.”

The Call

Then, on Tuesday morning, June 6, 2017, my sister called me. She rarely calls on a Tuesday, so I knew something was up. When I asked if everything was okay, she told me she had received an odd text from a former neighbor—a woman she used to walk with. This woman said that the Lord had placed my name on her heart and that she was praying for me. I had never met this woman, nor had I ever spoken to her, and I found it unsettling. My sister urged me to take it as a blessing, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was about to happen. It was about 4:30 pm, that afternoon, that we knew something was wrong.

Daddy’s Love

After my child became sick, I spent almost two weeks in the hospital with him. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and emotionally drained. The doctors had told me a thousand things, none of which were good. One day, my sister—H’s “Mamaw”—came to give me a break. She handed me a gift from my father—a flat pillow, my grandmother’s quilt, and a message from my dad. That gift, along with the constant reminders to “hold on,” has stayed with me. It reminds me that both my heavenly Father and my earthly father love me and that everything will be okay.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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I Did My Best, and God Did the Rest

Brandi C

@circle of hope counseling services (4)

I Did My Best, and God Did the Rest

There’s a deep peace that comes with knowing we are not in this alone. We show up, we try, we give it everything we have—but at the end of the day, we are only human. And that’s okay because God fills in the gaps where we fall short. At the end of my life, I want to say “I did my best, and God did the rest.”

Some days, our best doesn’t feel like enough. We carry burdens too heavy, face challenges too big, and battle thoughts that tell us we should be doing more. But the truth is, God never asked us to handle it all on our own. He asks us to trust Him.

When you’ve given all you can—when you’ve prayed, fought, endured, and still feel like you’re running on empty—know that God is still working. He sees what you’ve done. He knows your heart. And He is carrying you the rest of the way.

Maybe today, you feel like you’re falling short. Maybe you’re exhausted from trying to hold everything together. Take a deep breath and release it to God. Let Him take what you can’t carry.

Your best is all He asks for—not perfection, not endless striving, not doing it all alone. Just your best. And He will take care of the rest.

So, trust. Rest in His grace. Know that He is working in ways you can’t yet see. You are not failing, you are not alone, and you are deeply loved.

Do your best, and let God do the rest. 💛

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Happiness Versus Joy

Brandi C

Happiness Versus Joy

Happiness versus joy. Is it perspective or something more? What is happiness? A wise man once said that happiness is based on circumstances, and circumstances can ebb and flow like the tides of the ocean. What is joy? JOY comes from the Lord. That phrase has stuck with me many years later.

We are not called to always be happy, are we? We are called to be a City on a Hill and Salt and Light. If God opens a door, no one can shut it. Sometimes, we try to force a door open, and because of free will, He lets us slide in—only for us to deal with the consequences of not being on His path. This can be painful, but on the flip side, it can refine us, teach us, and equip us to teach others.

When He closes a door, it is for a reason—not to harm us, but to prosper us. Often, if a door is shut, there is a window open. Instead of focusing on what you think you have lost, shift your perspective to the possibilities ahead. I promise you, God’s gifts are so much better than anything we could ever imagine.

For those that might not be familiar with Helen Keller, here is some information for you!

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Let Them by Cassie Phillips

Brandi C

let them

Let Them by Cassie Phillips

If they want to choose something over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.

If they want to walk out of  your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.

So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.

Let them earn your forgiveness.

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.

Let them take you out on a Thursday.

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.

Let them love you.

Author: Cassie Phillips

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Joy in the Morning

Brandi C

psalm 30 5 sorrow to joy devotional01 25 purple

 

Let’s just leave this right here. Joy in the morning. I highly encourage you to go to YouTube and listen to the song. It is worth it, and I listen to it almost daily. There is a reason and a season for everything under heaven. If we could all just grasp that knowledge, we could truly experience this feeling at any time of the day. I pray you find yours today! Let the lyrics speak to your heart, bringing peace, hope, and encouragement. Trust in His timing and grace! Even when we don’t think it is the right time, in our eyes, it is always perfect in His.

… Everything happens for a reasonBut you don’t know what you don’t know.And you’ll never have peace if you don’t let go of tomorrow.‘Cause it ain’t even faith ’til your plan falls apartBut you still choose to follow.If it doesn’t make sense right nowIt will when it’s over
… There will be joy in the morning
… Giving in to your feelingsIs like drowning in the shallowsOh, you got to keep believingEven in the middle of the unknown‘Cause grace will be there when you come to the end of your ropeAnd you let goIt may feel like you’re going down nowBut the story isn’t over, oh
… There will be joy in the morningThere will be joy in the morning, ayeIf it’s not good, then He’s not done
… There will be joy in the morning(Hold on, hold on ’til the morning) oh we believe, we believeThere will be joy in the morning(Hold on, hold on ’til the morning) oh, aye, wooIf it’s not good, then He’s not doneNo, He’s not done with it yet

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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You Are Capable

Brandi C

You Are Capable

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You are capable of doing all things when Jesus is by your side. People often tell me that they do not know who they are anymore due to the amount of trauma that has occurred in their lives. It is my pleasure to tell them that they are not only capable of doing all the things they dream of, they were created to do these amazing things because the King of Kings has gifted them with amazing talents. God will take all the tests (trauma) of your life and allow it to be a TESTimony for Him.

This makes you capable of handling any and everything as long as He is on your side because it isn’t you doing the heavy lifting. You are being obedient and He is carrying the burden for you. Matthew 11:28-30: Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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When the Silence is Deafening

 

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Let Them by Cassie Phillips

Brandi C

Let Them by Cassie Phillips

Let Them by Cassie Phillips

Let Them by Cassie Phillips is a poem I read on social media. I first read it during a chaotic season in my life. Let’s be real—most days feel chaotic. I had just realized that some “friends” weren’t truly friends and that people can’t always be trusted. I already struggled with trust, but this became the last straw. People judge quickly without knowing all the details.

The truth is, unless someone shares your bed or eats every meal at your table, they don’t need to know the details. Frankly, it’s none of their business. I choose to make it their business, and by doing so, things get misunderstood.

Just Let Them

If they want to choose something over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.

If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.

If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.

If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.

If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.

If they want to walk out of  your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.

Let them lose you. You were never theirs, because you were always your own.

So let them.

Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.

Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.

Let them earn your forgiveness.

Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.

Let them take you out on a Thursday.

Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.

Let them have a safe place in you.

Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.

Let them love you.

Author: Cassie Phillips

Thoughts

Geez, this strikes me on so many levels. It may not impact everyone the same way, and that’s okay. It reminds me of Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley. So much has happened over the last several years. Some have revealed their true colors, while others have stepped up with unwavering love and support. I pulled back, reflecting inward to see where I need to make changes. Slowly, I’m finding my way back to the surface, letting the Light shine on my face.

Remember, you can’t control the actions or thoughts of others. The only thing you can control is your reaction. Anxiety comes from fearing the future and the lack of control over it. Depression lingers in the sadness of what you can’t change from the past. Live in the present—moment by moment. Breathe in, breathe out. Your goal is to change the life of one person. What if that one person is you?

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The Reality of my Nightmare

Brandi C

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma

What is and is Not in My Control

Brandi C

What is and is Not in My Control

What is and is Not in My Control

What is and is Not in My Control. I am a work in progress. Without hesitation, I can tell you that trying to control everything is 99.9% of my problem. Well, that and lack of trusting anyone…maybe that goes hand in hand, I don’t know. It’s a problem. I know that, get it, and respect it. There is a problem, and I am it.

What is IN My Control

  • my self-care
    • I get my hair done
    • Massages
    • Tattoos
    • Alone time at night
    • Reading
  • asking for help
    • Reaching out to family
    • Communicating with my husband and being vulnerable
    • Therapy
  • my decision
  • the friends I have
    • I don’t do this one well
  • my actions
    • I have apologized to those I need to
    • Forgiven most people, I need to
    • The Lord has made me HYPER aware
  • my boundaries
    • Hahahahaha
  • my thoughts
    • Oohhh…
  • my attitude
    • Well…
  • my words
    • Uhmmm…
  • what I say
    • Learning how to use them
    • Learning how to RESTRAIN from using them
    • Work in progress

OUT of My Control

  • who likes me
  • past mistakes
  • other’s feelings
  • what others think
  • other’s apologizing to me
  • other’s actions
  • what other people believe
  • weather
  • who loves me
  • other people’s time
  • someone else’s distraction

What is on Your List?

My struggle in the “out of my control” list is who likes me (why does this bother me so badly), past mistakes (I can’t forget), what others think of me, others’ actions, what other people believe, and who loves me. Those are my Achilles heel problems. What is on your list?

 

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Powerful Note to Self

Brandi C

This Powerful Note to Self is by a guest blogger working through some intense emotions and trauma. Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault! That can be hard to believe, especially if you struggle with implicit memories and cannot remember.

Implicit memories are memories that are from conception to three years of age. However, explicit memories are from the age of three until the present moment. Those are the memories that you can pull from and have validation. Implicit memories are ones you “feel.” They, to me, are harder to process and reconcile.

Sadly, any type of sexual abuse or molestation is devastating. It can take years to heal. Honestly, it may never heal this side of heaven. That is something that I’ve had to settle within myself to process things. My guest blogger is deep in the trenches. I am so proud of what she is doing to get help.

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

Not Your Fault

It’s not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

Stating Truth

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

Stop!

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

 

Adoption, Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

God is in the Details

Brandi C

~~Guest Blogger: God is in the details is something I posted, a few months ago.  This post is about the love, adoption, and loss of this sweet family’s sweet daughter Freh.  Amy and Sten’s story continues and the light of the Lord shines through dark times.  She has graciously let me repost her original blog (you can find her blog here).  Amy and Sten’s story is powerful and their faith is an inspiration~~

God is in the Details

Sometimes Writing is Painful

Putting words into print somehow solidifies the reality. But everyone knows that writing is therapeutic and sharing one’s story is really more for the writer than the reader, right?

I have had an aversion to sharing in the past several months, because how do I say it? How do I justly tell a story that has so many details and changing parts that won’t leave me feeling torn apart and raw or worse yet…vulnerable. After all, isn’t dealing with child loss and grief enough? I mean why tell a story that will make me look like a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. But what I do know is that an amazing story is unfolding in my life, and I haven’t shared it because of vulnerability. I have avoided the messy, ugly, scorching parts to preserve what little dignity I have left. Questions, opinions, judgment, they all raise the hairs on my neck.

I Have Turned to Close Confidants

Also, my prayer posse to stand there, in this foggy ditch, and intercede on my behalf until I can muster the words……God is still working. He has not set my tapestry down and forgotten. He is very much working out the finest of details. This ‘new us’ is now on a constant quest for joy. Consistently, almost methodically searching and seeking not the temporary thrills and distractions from our pain, but eternal, long-lasting, blanketing joy. We did a lot of talking and praying about this joy. I asked God to tell me where to go to find this gift He had for us and very clearly he pointed us to children, the beautifully packaged joy that He has time and again chosen for us since we were just 18 years old.

May 2014

Mother’s Day weekend. We got an email that informed us that a young, homeless girl in Florida is pregnant and has chosen us to be the forever family for her baby, due in October. We were ecstatic! Oh, how we had longed for a baby to hold and love since that day just a year before when our lives were shattered, and our Freh was taken from us. I finally felt like there was some joy to be had. A baby, a young mother in need, a little package of hope.

Flying to Florida

We flew to Florida and met “D” and her boyfriend. We went to an ultrasound and saw the little life inside her. It was a boy. He was healthy. We enjoyed the time we spent with this young girl, talking about her life and her plans for herself. Seeing that the relationship she was in with her boyfriend was not healthy,  Sten and I spoke with her about that and ways she could get help.

We bonded with this young mother. I felt an immediate love for her. She showed us the hotel she was now staying in, and we taught her how to cook some food for herself.  On the flight home, Sten and I admitted that we felt conflicted. We really wished she could somehow find a way, as we had over 19 years ago, to keep her baby and yet, we still really longed for a baby. I committed to praying quietly that God would move in D’s life and that He would guide her to the right decision.

She and I Texted Throughout the Summer

I was able to have a few significant conversations with her. We talked about purpose and God and joy. She knew that we had lost our daughter a year before and she asked me how I handle that, a question that brought such a lump to my throat because I knew what possibly laid ahead in her future. I simply answered that I just let God handle the hard parts and I never stop seeking Him. She responded that her grandmother used to tell her the same thing.

35 weeks, ultrasound day….we received a call that D had not shown up for her ultrasound and that she called to tell our consultant that she has decided to leave her boyfriend and keep her baby. She had reunited with her mom, and they were going to raise the baby together. Now, you might think that we were angry with her for this…after all, how could she string us along with all summer and take thousands from us in support? We had our house ready for a baby.

We Were Supposed to be His Parents, Right?

Nope.

God had protected our hearts so perfectly that when we got the news, and the initial (5minute) sting wore off, we were so HAPPY for D. She found a way. She gets to be a momma to her baby!! How could that make anyone angry? God had worked it out to the smallest details. My concern was that she knew we were so happy for her and that we loved her, no matter what. It was ok. I felt that peace that only God can wash over me.  This is where it gets ugly and messy and, for the sake of sanity and humility and all things sensible, I will just share the watered-down version.

Have you ever had an experience that is so confusing and awful that all you can do is chalk it up to the darkness in this world? Well, that’s kind of how this next part played out……Two days later we were matched with another baby due “any day now.” He was 100% certainly ours, or so we were told. We let our guards down, went to Target, and bought everything we would need for this soon to be born child. Then, I asked if a prenatal record was available for us to look over, so we knew what to expect with this baby and just like that he was stripped from us and given to a family who would “love him unconditionally” (aka pay more money and not ask questions) To my friends in the adoption community, you may take a short break to wash the vomit from your mouths.

I know.

Brutal

Two weeks of refusal to answer our emails and phone calls. We had nothing. We were devastated, angry, hurt, seething mad. Talk about God putting up a huge wall. In the midst of hurt and loss upon loss like this, we barely could see straight. I pushed hard into God and the very close, personal friends he has gifted me with. They spoke the truth to me.  I cried, paced, spit…all of those ugly things you do when you get seething mad. But, God was loud and clear to me, once again, to wait to be quiet. TRUST HIM.

I Decided I was not Going to Share Publicly What Had Happened

I was going to let things pass and hopefully ease into the next chapter, without any scars or should I say judgment. People would notice when November comes, and we don’t have a baby. I just didn’t have the words. I kept hearing God nudging me to ‘write it out’….share what He is doing in the midst of pain, but golly! That is just such a vulnerable place to put yourself. And in the center of all that confusion and hurt, I certainly couldn’t see the thread of God’s needle. I could feel more of the flame of his blowtorch… How could I possibly find some wonderfully divine inspiration for writing? But God kept revisiting the issue. Write.

Behind the Adoption Drama Unfolding Another Ache

Our oldest son. He has had a difficult stretch these last few years, and we have had to let him learn some incredibly hard life lessons. Ones that you think to yourself, “son, this is going to wreck you possibly, but you must walk across these burning embers to heal and learn.” I can see now that God knew. God saw the way in advance that if we had been given D’s baby, we certainly would not have been available to help our first-born child through quite possibly, the most challenging time in his life. I love my God for protecting my children that way. For answering my very own prayers for my children so perfectly. Weaving our hearts together in the most intricate way possible.  I am thankful.

My Husband is a Patient and Introspective Man

He encourages me to do things that really stretch me, like be patient, wait it out, be quiet (HA!), listen. He is such a ROCK for me. After all the dust settled from that terrible “you have a baby, wait, no you don’t” week…Sten said to me that we should wait a month, get our bearings and start looking around us at what we should do next. We indeed agreed that we weren’t going to give up on adoption. God put that call on our hearts, and we haven’t felt as if he is taking it away.

On November 6 we signed with an adoption consulting firm called Christian Adoption Consultants. Turns out, Freh’s friend in Heaven, Mattie Sam, well, his mom is one of the lead consultants there, and they orchestrated the whole “hey, our moms should totally meet” thing. Tracie and I firmly believe that they are up to some serious Heavenly Shenanigans! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it amazing how if you just take a half step back, you can see that GLORY IS RIGHT THERE?

God, just waiting to do His thing! Now, we are working with Tracie’s team at CAC to meet a need and be matched with a baby who needs us, and we cannot wait to see what God will do with this. It finally feels like we are right where He wants us to be. Adoption is very hard. Adoption is very risky. But, with God and Godly people by your side, He will use the ugliest of situations and bring beauty from them!

All This Time

I have heard God speaking to me to write. “I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:1-4  This verse has come to my plate many times over the course of the past 8 years. Be a lamp. Still, I struggled inside my own head with sharing.

People Will Just Understand, I Told Myself

God will understand why I don’t want to write about it, it’s painful. But then, without even mentioning this spiritual struggle to anyone, God used one of his people to deliver a message. A Facebook friend wrote me and said she had been feeling like the Lord was leading her to pray for me. We chatted about that, and I let her in on the very surface details of our adoption trials. Then just Sunday morning, she messaged me again, “Have you blogged about any of this? I’m wondering if sharing your thoughts, your story might bring your baby home? I believe God is not asking you to share your sorrow rather share His love and openly SEEK your baby. I’m positive God is asking me to tell you to listen to that voice you hear calling.”

WAIT.  WHAT?

Yes. My God. Our God. He does these things. He uses his people as 2x4s to smack us upside the head. He’s done it before. Why am I surprised?  So, I just spent the better part of a Monday writing to you about the wonderful, faithful, amazing love that is God. He is in the very details of our lives, even when we feel so far from him. He is right there. Listening. Beckoning. Leading.

I am not giving up. Refinement is painful at times. I can see joy and sorrow, contentment and longing all rolled up into a holy ball of fire and ice, beauty like nothing ever witnessed before.

If You Have Endured This Post to the Very End, Would You Do One More Thing?

Would you please pray for us? Pray that whatever baby God is intending for our family will make it to our family soon. Praise God with us for the mighty work He is doing in our oldest son. Ask God to give our weary hearts strength in this wait. Pray for protection and peace over our children. Ask God for grand logistic graces for all of the ifs and whens of this adoption and the impending adoption of Mihret’s brother from Ethiopia. Please pray that I will continue to seek and see Him in all of the details.

Love you all.
Amy