Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is something that I will be doing. After a couple of years of tackling acute trauma in my life, a decision came to pass. I have decided to move forward with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR is a therapy that helps you process your trauma through eye movement. Sounds crazy, right?

When I Started Therapy

It was hard. I’m not going to lie. I told my therapist that I was there for only 52 days (read the book of Nehemiah, and you will understand that). There was one memory that I wanted to tackle amid EMDR. Sounds simple, huh.

I love therapy (my Master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy). The thought of being able to help someone through the muddy waters until it becomes clear running is my jam. I love seeing beauty come from ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

Yet, it is SUPER hard for me to be in the clients’ seat because I know all the logical things. I know what to tell myself. I know how to process items. I did not enjoy my time at all. I was the worst client in history of ever.

Sessions

We did the first session, and I freaking went somewhere I did not want to go. That was not my mission; that was not part of my 52-day plan. Not. At. All. I was so pissed when I left. In the next session, we did EMDR; I could not focus. I was already walled up because I did not want to go where I was the previous week. On the third visit, we did the DUMBEST grounding thing ever. I laughed hard because she was so serious, and it was not my jam. I assume she guessed that when I said, “this is the stupidest shit ever, and I’m not doing it anymore.”

Point taken.

Bless her heart.

I would have fired me as a client.

Co-Vid Hit

With that, we had to do virtual visits. Again, not my jam. I couldn’t focus because my kids were loud. I didn’t feel like I was in a safe place, and I couldn’t concentrate. It was hard. That therapist moved out of the office and took another job in another state (which had nothing to do with me, LOL).

They switched me to another counselor. I was set not to mesh with this lady because my mind was already made up. EMDR was stupid, not effective, my 52 days were up, no progress, and now I had to rehash everything with another person.

Not happy.

Getting to Know Her

My new therapist was my jam. We clicked immediately. She didn’t make horrific faces when I said things. It was easy. Comfortable. I’m so grateful to her and how she immediately made me feel so safe.

EMDR has yet to happen (next week), but our focus was on the MASSIVE acute trauma that I faced weekly. I kid you not; every week was a new trauma. I’m glad she could swim because she was deep in with me.

Complicated Party of 1

My life is very complicated, and so is my past. I’m very complicated. I’m an empath to the nth degree. There are so many things that I blame myself for, and I carry with me these notions that are not true.

We could not even address my past because my present was so tangled. My present was getting more and more knotted every single day. There were days that I couldn’t breathe. There were times when she was almost insistent that I go somewhere to get into patient care. That’s how bad I was.

I kept in close contact with my doctor (medication), pastor, my mom and sisters, and my fantastic husband. Without this support (especially my husband), I would not have made it. I still have bad days, but they are fewer and farther between them.

Addressing it All

Now, we are ready to dive into EMDR. Today was in preparation for next week, and let me tell you. It was hard as hell. The prep sucked. We are going to try and do EMDR through virtual visits. If that doesn’t work, we have a plan. I will drive to the center for one week to do EMDR in person. EMDR will be with another counselor. Then, I will process the next week with my regular counselor. I’m praying that the virtual does its thing and that I can break down the walls and mindsets that keep me captive.

Ending the Stigma of Mental Illness

I may write about my processing, as it helps me. Yet, I may not publish it, LOL. I may keep it private to protect those that still need protecting. Seriously, I can write on my blog and keep it private. I don’t know yet.

Today, I learned what a trigger was for me. What reality is and what lies I choose to believe. Now, we have to untangle that mass of lies. This is where we separate the lies from the truth and then live in the land of reality. Instead of it being a trigger, it will be a memory that does not affect me as it does now. Right now, it is crippling.

You are Not Alone

Please, if you struggle with mental illness, I want you to know something. You are NOT alone. You are normal. You matter. You deserve love. You are enough. Please seek help from a counselor, pastor, friend, or family member. Write, draw, drive around, get on medication, and get an emotional support animal. Do what you need to do to help yourself because you matter.

As I move along this process, I will keep those who care or are curiously updated.

Adoption, Faith Journey

It is Time to Let Go and be Free

June 30, 2022July 1, 2022 Barefoot Faith Journey

It is Time to Let Go and be Free

What a phrase that is. Val Kilmer typed that to Tom Cruise in the new movie Maverick. I have been praying a lot. Primarily for clarity in a few situations that are ongoing in our family. God speaks in a variety of ways. I guess speaking through a film is one way to do it.

At some point in my life, I have to stop torturing myself so much. It is constant. I torture myself daily. I am the kind of wife, mother, daughter, and sister that owns all the things. I question my motives, intentions, desires, and thoughts. Where things go wrong, regardless of who is at its root, I torture myself. Torturing myself has gone on for years. I can’t just let it roll off my back, it absorbs in my soul, and I wear the wrongs like a cloak.

I believe it is time to torture myself a little bit less. Today is a good day. I can believe everything I’m typing. Tomorrow may be different.

As I was floating in our pool, listening to H play, I thought of everything I “own.” Running through my list, I went through all our children, my siblings, parents, marriage, etc. Then, it hit me. 99% of what I torture myself about has nothing to do with me. I didn’t cause it, and I can’t fix it. Let’s jump back into our adoption years.

Life Just Isn’t Always so Tidy.

God’s plan isn’t always so easy to understand. Our first plan was international when we decided to expand our family through adoption. I knew Ethiopia was in our future at a young age. Yet God had other plans.

He brought in our first set of kids for a season, reuniting them within about a month with their birth mom. When the left, I thought I had done something wrong.

For some reason, I believed it was my fault that they returned to their mother. I was so young and inexperienced in foster care and adoption through the foster care system.

I know now that reunification is always the first thing to do, if possible. What a beautiful thing that they got to go back to the one that gave them life. It was a short season with her, but I know that they are safe and loved with the family they are with now. I can let that go. My love for those kids will always be powerful. Yet, God had other plans. Now, I can be happy and thankful I was a safe haven for them. They were loved by us and loved by so many people.

Release.

Sometimes Reunification is Not a Possibility.

When we got the call for our second set of kids, I allowed fear to creep into my heart. Sadly, I had not healed from the loss of the previous two children. Again, I wore a cloak and tortured myself for something that wasn’t mine to wear.

Reunification was not in the cards for our second placement. We met these kids so full of tentative smiles and lots of hyperactivity. We were eager to expand our family. Yet, we tried to do everything right to reunify them with their birth mom. Sadly, that didn’t work, and trauma was prevalent.

Coming from Foster Care is a Tricky Thing

These kids were coming from multiple foster homes. Living in numerous homes was due to behavior, PTSD, and more. We were so ill-equipped to handle the needs of one of the children and we had no help or resources from the state.

Looking back, almost 16 years later, we see all the signs. Then, we just wanted to heal, love, and show this child Christ. One of my kids has written some powerful things about foster care and abuse. Those things are very well-spoken.

Now, this young person is someone I don’t even know. A lot of damage has been done, and bridges have been burned. However, my (our) love for this child will always remain steadfast, though we have to protect the other kids in our home.

I hope that one day, we can all be reunited. Forgiveness can take place, and healing can happen. Healing and forgiveness can only be orchestrated by the One that loves us all.

Right now, that isn’t what is going to happen. For years, I thought I was crazy. Hindsight is 20/20.

Now, I see where I was at fault, and I’ve apologized and made peace with it, for the most part. Again, I’m wearing a giant cloak that is not mine.

I am not responsible for the decisions being made now. The things in the past I’ve owned, asked forgiveness for, and tried to remedy within myself. Sadly, I have no control over what is going on now. I pray that help is sought, proper medication, therapy, nutrition, sleep, and a lot of Jesus will permeate this child’s life.

In my life, I choose to continue with therapy, confide in those closest to me, seek the face of Jesus, and prepare for rain. Preparing for rain looks different for everyone. In our case, we have cameras up, people who need to know are made aware of things, an attorney if things go in a way they shouldn’t, authorities are on alert, and documents are gathered. Preparing and doing these things are not indicative of anything other than protecting my other kids. My hope and prayer are still that the Lord reunites my whole family.

Release.

Things are Looking Up

Our pool is working, the air conditioning is cooking (though it is limping), we are all healthy, and great things are on the horizon. I have introduced my grandkids to music! Music is one thing that we missed in those years. We had to limit it due to some obsessions. Now, my home is flooded with music and dancing. My grands love opera! We listen to blues, the 60s, classical, praise and worship, old hymns, Frank Sinatra, and much more. Then there is J & D’s music. I’m not sure what you classify that as, LOL. It is so joyful and peaceful (most of the time).

I have plants that are still alive. That is a fantastic thing! We are slowly redoing the things that need to be renovated in our house. Thankfully, I’m not obsessing over those little things. I’m reveling in the fact that we can and are making progress. H has made great strides and improvements with his OMS and behavior. J is thriving. D is succeeding, and his growth astounds me. Our relationship has improved a 1000%. We talk every night. I mean, honestly, what teenage boy wants to talk to his mom every night. Yet, he calls like clockwork, and we have the best conversations. My bigs are healthy, grandbabies are healthy, and my son is having an event in March. My parents are here often, and I love that so much.

Release.

In All the Thanks for the Above

I still miss my one. Still, I want that one here enjoying everything and being a part of our life. Yet, that isn’t going to happen right now. It can happen, and I pray that it will. For now, I continue to pray for healing. I revel in peace. Slowly, I take off the cloaks that are not mine. I’m giving them back to whom they belong while owning what I need to own. I’m prepared for the rain. I am not afraid. We are good, safe, loved, and healthy.

Release.

Life or Something Like It