Medical Issues

Life Update for Me

Life Update for MeLife Update for Me

Per my uncle’s wife’s request (does that make her my aunt?  Dang, I think it does.  Well, that was weird.), Here is the Life Update for Me (Actually, for Kim).  School started 6 mths ago for some of my kids.  I posted their update a couple of blog posts ago, so I will not rehash that.  Look below, and I will link that to the bottom of this post.

Life Since Leaving the Homeschool Realm

I really thought I would enjoy the peace.  That I would be having all sorts of moments of sleeping in, running errands alone, making calls, cleaning, petting my dog, massages, moments of just… I can breathe again.  Quickly, I realized that that was not the case.

Who is Still Home

Noah is still home.  Now, he works most days of the week, but he has also started school.  He goes a couple of days a week to school and then comes home and studies.  So, he is still here.  Gigi is still here.  Thankfully, she is working 5 days a week.  We have to be diligent about getting her to and from work.  When she gets home, she works out, does chores, and reads.

For Me

I knew when I started homeschooling 20 years ago, that when my time was up, it would be up.  It was a feeling of taking it moment by moment.  We were in a good flow and things were just moving along.

Then came Hunter.

That was an addition to the table, to say the least.  Honestly, that wasn’t so bad for the first year or so.  We just plugged along.  I would make monthly schedules out and I checked them off, as I graded them.

At 42 years old, I now had a 21 mth old.  To say I was out of the swing of toddlerhood would be an understatement.  We managed.  I got in the groove again.  He licked a lot of cool whip out of the bowl for the first couple of months.

Tired

That was a word I would use.  I mean, who wouldn’t be tired of teaching 4 children, having a toddler, and then all the things that come with adult children.  Then, Hunter got sick and that just threw an entire monkey wrench in my life.  I still tried to plug on and have things prepared.  Victoria, Ben, and Alyssa tried to help.

I traveled so much and was gone so much that I felt I was doing the kids a disservice.  Add that into the fact that I was emotionally spent and physically exhausted.  I knew it was time.  When I made that declaration to Big Daddy…relief spread all throughout me.

Reality

The reality is is that I’m still traveling once a month.  I have to be uber diligent about Epsom salt baths, the symphony of cells, oils, washing clothes, and wiping everything down.  Hunter cannot get sick, so I’m always on guard with that.  Honestly, I can’t prevent it 100% of the time, but I have to be prepared for when it does it.

The issues that we have faced in the past, with some children, are still present now.  That hasn’t changed.  There are a lot of things I keep to myself because I do not want to paint a picture that presents some of my children in a negative light.  It is hard.  So very hard.

What Has Come To Pass

There have been some adoption-related issues that have come up and nipped me on the behind.  I am prepared for some but others…well, let’s just say it was a hit I was not prepared for.  Again, we deal with it but it is a stressor that I do not enjoy.  Yet, it is one that I have to have peace with and deal with.  And, I will.  My children will be better for it, one day.

I still travel a lot.  Cook every day.  We are trying to eat healthier so that has been a challenge.  I feel like my brain is on overload trying to switch up my tried and true recipes with healthier options.

Basketball has been fun, but it has sucked the life out of us all.  He has games or practices 6 days a week.  It is a joy to watch him but it also costs money and lots of time.  Thankfully, it is wrapping up (just as baseball season is kicking off…Lord help).

The Things I Do

I still run errands, get the occasional massage.  Reading has been on my to-do list.  I’m in the stage of purging and organizing again.  Dishwasher died.  Sink exploded.  Truck died.  The garage door is dead.  Narcolepsy is new.  Racism is alive, well, and underhanded.  I’m quite certain the administration cringes when I walk through the door.  It has been a learning curve for all of us.

One thing that Big Daddy has asked that I do is work on myself.  I am never high on my priority list.  It is my husband and my children.  If they are good, I am good.  Yet, I realize I’m not sleeping again.  Depression isn’t on my radar but I’ve been having some anxiety.  Also, it is time that I seek help to deal with some past trauma that I’ve never dealt with.

EMDR

EMDR Therapy begins next week for me.  I’m leaning on Nehemiah and I’m believing that in 52 days (the amount of time it took him to suck dirt, stand up, fight, and build the wall) that I will have these things resolved.

The Lord has been preparing me for a while.  My “word for the year” is healing.  I want to see healing across the board for me and my family.  There are children I have lost.  Issues within my marriage.  Also, issues with my children’s diagnosis’.  Jude’s adoption is something I rarely can speak of and it has been 8 years.  Hunter’s illness.  So another trauma that I have to deal with.  I don’t want to put a bandaid on it anymore.  That sucker is being ripped off and I’m going to deal with it.  Process it.  Heal.  Forgive.  Move on.

Then, I want to get certified in doing this type of therapy for others.  God is good.  He has prepared a way for me too, not only to keep my eyes above the ways but to stand on dry ground.

March 6th is 52 days from when I began.  I hope I like myself when this is finished!

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Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom

Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom from my sister a year ago.  After a *tough* weekend, emotionally, I had my early Monday morning chat with my sister.  We chit chatted about nothing and everything, then we moved into what my triggers were from the past weekend.

A statement that swirls around in my head, from another friend, that I told to Tera.  My friend said, “Brandi, you have to have a release.  You have to find someone you can trust. Get this stuff off your chest.  Cry if you need to cry.”  My statement back to her was “I had that person.  She died.  Now I don’t share or talk.  I stuff stuff stuff it all down.”

Tera agreed with my friend.  We talked about the stages of grief.  Also, the fact that I have had no time to truly grieve anything over the past several years.  I’ve gone from one hit to another.  There has been little time to breathe.  Sadly, no time to grieve.  Sadly, there was no time to release the pain and emotion from everything that has happened.

Then, she took it one step further.

She said:  “Brandi, it’s okay to have birds fly around your head (referring, of course, to grief, depression, anxiety, etc), but you can’t let them make a nest in your hair.”

I agreed.  Then, I wiped my tears and got off the phone.  Next, I went to the bathroom.

What I saw was a thing of fear and horror.  My hair was straight up (circa 80-90s) in that great curly, let it be free, windblown hair.

I texted my sister and asked her to define “Nest in Hair.”

So, my birds have nested and now it is time for them to fly south.

Bye, Bye Birdie.  So, Reflecting on Nesting Bird Wisdom, the bird has flown away!

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Rainy Days

Oh, my word, Becky, it has already been a day and it is only 2 pm.  It has rained all weekend, and that is not a bad thing.  Well, the flooding part is not great, but the rain was much needed.

I love listening to the gentle rain on our metal roof.  The sound makes me want to just stay in bed and snuggle up with a warm cup of chicken broth.  Alas, this was not what my day entailed.

Therapy

We (meaning Hunter and me) had to get going to therapy, this morning.  OT, SLP, and PT are about 35 minutes away, so we had to hustle.  With the rain, it is hard to hustle because, at some points, I could not see the road.

He did really well, in therapy.  I got teary watching him struggle, though.  It is hard for me to think that this is the only life he remembers.  He does not remember being a healthy, busy toddler.  Shaking, compensating for his shaking, that’s what he remembers.

I had to call it a day during PT because he began drooling.  Drooling is a sign that he has overdone it and that his body is fixing to shut down.  Once the drooling starts, the belching begins, and then we are done for the day.

I hate this condition.

Coming Home

Heading home, I decided I would stop and get him lunch.  It was already afternoon and he had had a couple of peanut butter power bites, but he was hungry.  I stopped by Burger King and prepared to get him a salad (his choice) but at the last minute, he wanted a burger.

He ate the burger and my fries, on the way home.  I had forgotten his sippy cup so he could not have his juice.  He can’t hold those little packets of juice to his face, squeeze and drink at the same time.  That is just too much for him.

How sad is that?

Once Home

Kids are doing their schoolwork, though one of my children “forgot” that he lied about doing some work, from last week.  Now, I grade everything at the end of the week, except the Bible.  That, I ask where they got to and they tell me.

This particular child stated that XYZ was done, so when I asked him again today (to make his new schedule), he suddenly realized that he lied to me and now he is backtracking in a  big way.

So, he sits, thumbing through his Bible to see where he actually stopped and how big of a lie he decided to tell me.

I can’t even.

Shaving a Cat’s Butt

In the midst of Lie-Gate, I decided that Karole (our cat) needed her butt shaved.  She was getting a bit unruly and since she is older than dirt, she smears on her fur.  I really just wanted to make a safe exit from point A to get point B on the mat without smearing it from here to high heaven.

Have you ever shaved a cat’s butt?  It was not one of my best moments.  I have a kid crying because he needs someone to feed him his applesauce, one kid crying because they lied, one rushing through and washing every dish known to man (I have no idea why), and one jumping up and down because they lost 1 lb…then, there is Karole, her butt, fur flying, and a turd smeared.

Good times.

In the Midst

I received a sad email from my niece, my youngest son’s biological mom.  Broke my heart.  My heart is heavy for one of my nephews.  I am missing my Lady like crazy and her one year anniversary is sneaking up on me.  Plus, there is supper to cook, things to put back on my wall, baseboards to paint, a house to clean, and so on.

For now, I will finish shaving the cat’s butt.  I am having said child reread what he already “read.”  I turned the diffusers on, so my house may be dirty, but it smells good.  I will delegate the paint of the baseboards to Alyssa when she gets home.  There is an email that I will be sending to my niece and prayers that go up for my nephew.

I will wipe the drool, wipe my tears, love my God, and trust that His ways are higher than my ways.  There will be no running down the road naked, screaming at the top of my lungs.  Not today, Becky, not today.

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