Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters
Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters. There has been so much that has gone on in the last few (several) years that it is hard to even begin to encapsulate. I was talking with my therapist and she, frequently, says “what would you tell your client?” For me, that is easy.
Beauty is always in the ashes.
You are worthy.
This too shall pass (like a kidney stone).
You are enough.
The trauma that you have stored in your TNT box needs to be talked about/processed in order for you to heal. Then, it will just be a crappy memory that doesn’t evoke strong emotions (depression/anxiety).
She then will ask why I don’t listen to myself.
Trauma is a word that I do not use lightly. In the therapeutic world there is little ‘t’ trauma and big “T” trauma. However, it all sucks. If you don’t have the tools to process that information, you are left dealing with depression (can’t control what happened in the past) or anxiety (can’t control the future) and you can’t live in the present.
My supervisor today told me to think about a triangle. You THOUGHTS dictate your EMOTIONS which affects your BEHAVIOR.
What I view, that I have been through, is not trauma. I hear trauma all day long and it breaks my heart. There are so many days, I just want to rock a client and bake them cookies. I want them to know that they are heard, seen, validated, and loved. My therapist laughed in my face when I told her I didn’t feel like that was part of my story. These are just things that have happened. Do I deal with them well? No.
This Last Round of Gross
Man, it has tipped me to the edge of my sanity. I have had many seasons of severe depression, moderate depression, anxiety, or a combo of them both. This season, however, it has been mainly depression. It has been one hit after another. Some have been significant, some minor, and some that are the tiniest but are the straw that broke the camel’s back.
In this season, I have been quiet. I have deleted all my social media, taken numbers out of my phone, screened calls, and withdrew into myself. When I think back, it is not my intention to isolate but I am so depressed that I don’t want to infect anyone else.
Life Keeps Moving
I still do all the things. Work life, cooking, cleaning, grandparenthood, home, etc. it all gets done. My sister called and left a message on my phone. She expressed that she has been asking my mom about me and giving me space but enough is enough. In her love, she told me that I was to call/text/answer the phone at least twice a week and I’m not to talk about the hurt at all with her (unless I want to) but we are just to touch base.
In my sadness, I didn’t even realize people noticed. My Oak had made some statements about me staying silent but I honestly didn’t understand what she was saying because I rarely go a day without talking to her. In church, a friend came up and apologized to me for not reaching out. I told her that I was fine (lie) and she said “I know how you get when you get quiet.”
Those Statements Made Me Realize
That though I feel alone, there are people that love me and would listen if I called to cry/whine. I just don’t want to impose or make people think they can fix what is going on in my world. They can’t fix it. What is screwed up, no one can fix. However, they gave me hope. Hope that, one day, it will be okay. There is hope that I am loved and not alone. Hope that there is a tomorrow. The hope that I have people willing to hold my arms up and carry me when I can’t walk.
Hope is powerful. Today, I am hopeful. Yesterday I was not and tomorrow is a mystery that will unfold in time. Mentally and emotionally, I am still not okay. There is a lot on my heart and mind. Decisions have to be made, conversations have to be had, and those things that are troubling me are still there.
Here I am, still breathing and holding onto hope. Understanding that trauma is different for everyone but it does not dictate my life. It is a crimson thread that is woven throughout my tapestry. We all have trauma in our lives but if it is processed correctly, then it can just be a blip on the radar and not a Tsunami of epic proportions.