Family, Guest Blogger

Healing Through Anger

Healing Through Anger

Healing Through Anger

In this piece, my guest blogger talks about how she is healing through anger.  Anger is a valid emotion, as Jesus was angry when He turned over the tables in the temple.  Anger is secondary to fear and/or sadness.  In this piece, you can see her fear, clearly.  Also, you can feel her sadness.  Please pray for this young girl as you think of it.

I Am So Angry With You

I know I have said it a million times, but I am so angry with you. If I were in the business of hating people, you would be first on my list. The thought of you makes my blood pressure skyrocket. Why couldn’t you be a normal stepfather? Seriously, why did you have to abuse me? Why me? I was a child. What kind of man likes children?

I wish my mom would have never met you. Honestly, I wish I did not blame myself for what you did. I know I was young, and I know it was not my fault. Its yours. You are the one who abused me not the other way around.

Tell the Truth

I have had a few opportunities to tell you the truth, to say whatever I wanted to you, but I did not. Part of me wishes I would not have been such a coward. I want you to know how much you hurt me. The other part of me knows that it would not matter what I said you would not care. You would enjoy the attention, you always like all the attention being on you.

What I Want to SCREAM

I want to scream at you and tell you that you hurt me. To tell you that you traumatized me. I want to tell you how I cannot even change clothes in the comfort of my own home without feeling uncomfortable or like I am being watched. To yell that you took my childhood and my innocence away from me. That is something I will never get back. I cannot go back and act like a child again. Not all of that is your fault, but a big piece of it is.

I am never a violent person, but I would like to punch you in the face a few good times. I bet that would help me release some of my anger. That sure would make me feel better. I do not understand how you can have like four different types of cancers, and still be alive. I guess that is just how my life goes.

Papa T is Crossing the Line

I heard a phrase today that I had not heard in a long time. A phrase that makes me nauseous. “Daddy T” I never understood why you made us call you that. Mom does not understand why that name makes me uncomfortable, and to be honest I don’t completely understand it myself. All I know is the name makes me physically sick. My sister told me today that you want her daughter to call you “Papa T” And it incited some rage in me.

Yet, That Baby is Safe From You

Luckily that baby lives far away now so you cannot get your hands on her. If she were still around, I can promise you that you would never meet her. I would go to jail before that happened and I would be okay with it. You will never get the satisfaction of her calling you “papa T” which I feel is WAY too close to “Daddy T”

You will never get the satisfaction to take that baby’s innocence away from her, and that brings me just a little bit of you. Your abuse ended with me, and I will do everything in my power to make sure it goes no further.

Working on Forgiveness

I know it does not sound like it, but I truly am trying to forgive you. It is just a slow process. The thing is, I am not forgiving you for you. I am doing this for me. To heal. I am doing it so I can put you in the past and finally move on. To better myself and be the best person I can be. I know in the end you will get what you deserve, and I will not even have to lift a finger.

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From the Outside Looking In my Family

From the Outside Looking In my Family

From the Outside Looking In my Family

From the Outside Looking In {my family}

We were a happy family

{We} went to church

We spent time with other people

{We} went places together

 

But what you don’t see

Is the mother that can’t get out of bed

Or the stepfather that won’t help feed the kids

And the nine year old raising her younger brothers.

 

All that is seen is what they want you to see

Happy, healthy children

Children that spends time with other kids

And parents that provide the best they can

 

Truly my parents did try the best they could

But sometimes that’s not enough

Sometimes the best is not good or bad just effort

On the days that everyone was happy

Everything was fine

 

But those days when the yelling was too hard to bear

Or the throwing of things was upsetting to hear

Those are the days that stick with children

 

Having a stepfather that could care less

Or can’t stand to look at you because you’re not his

Or maybe because of jealousy of the bond a mother has with her kids

 

That is hard

And then there are the days

When your mother can’t get out of bed

Because she has massive depression

Not that you understand because yet again you are nine

 

Those days are the days that are the hardest

Because you’re alone in the house

And in charge of the kids

Who are five and one

 

Don’t get me wrong I love those kids

And I would do anything for them still

But there is so much one child can do

And somethings are just too much responsibility

 

And even though no one knew what waws going on

Or maybe no one was observant enough to see

Either way I choose to believe that it all happened for a reason

And I would still choose to help even though it took away my childhood

At least they got to keep theirs

Thankful

Today, I am thankful for this young lady.  She is a beautiful human who is loved tremendously.  I am so proud of her journey and watching her grow and heal.

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My Dearest Mother

My Dearest Mother

My Dearest Mother,

My Dearest Mother, you have caused me so much pain for the past ten years of my life. I cannot count how many times I have laid in bed at night and cried because of you. Sadly, I have cried because I was not good enough for you. I have cried because at the times I have needed you most, you were not here. Also, I have cried because when I have had a hard day at work or school, I cannot call you. It is so frustrating to me that you are so thickheaded that you cannot see what you did wrong. I have written you numerous letters in hopes that they would somehow reach you, and you would come to your senses.

Spoiler alert, you have not.

For years, I walked on eggshells just to be sure I did not hurt your feelings. At this point, I do not care. I am fed up with the lies you feed everyone. Imagine saying that your eleven-year-old daughter made up a story about how you locked your sick son up in his bedroom and would not give him food. Like, I did not just wake up one day and say ‘Hm, I think I want to make up this lie and make my mom look bad today.’ Imagine trying to blame you and your husband’s actions on CHILDREN. Honestly, I have not asked you for much, just for you to admit what you did and apologize.

I know that is something I will never get.

One time you told me you were raising us the way you wanted to be treated. That just does not make sense to me. Who wants to be sexually abused by their stepfather for years? Because I certainly did not. I did not want him to watch me every time I took a shower. Also, I did not want him to watch me get dressed. I did not want him to put his hand on my butt every time I stood remotely close to him. Furthermore, I did not want him to take me and my sister up to the garage that day and assault us. I did not want all this trauma you gave me. All I wanted was a mother.

At this point

I do not even try and wonder what my life would be like had you not met my stepdad because it tends to hurt my feelings. Why wasn’t I good enough for you? Honestly, why? Why? Just why? I have so many questions for you, and I know I will not get a single answer. All I want, is a mom. Someone to look out for me, give me advice, and most importantly I just I want to experience a mother’s love.

Every night, when I pray, I pray that I am not like you. I pray that I never cause my children pain. Also, I pray that my kids will NEVER lay in bed at night crying because they feel I do not love them. I will be nothing like you, and that is a promise. Maybe one day you will come to your senses, but that is doubtful.

Best Regards,

Your Daughter

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No Thanks to You Part 3

No Thanks to You Part 3No Thanks to You Part 3

No Thanks to You Part 3.  It was such a shock to me. It came without warning. I honestly don’t understand. Because that morning, it was business as usual. We were doing quality assurance and fixing simple mistakes in the computer. What was that you said to me?

If you would do your job right the first time, your mistakes wouldn’t be on this list? I could count maybe 5 mistakes out of hundreds that I could claim. And they were as simple to fix as checking a box. But you felt the need to point that out to me. You worked me to the very end.

 

That was hurtful. 

 

When you said that to me, I cried silently at my desk. It wasn’t the first time. I cried silently a lot because of the stress you put me under. That this job put me under. The anxiety and the depression were insurmountable at the time. I put on a brave face, as one does, and carried on. I didn’t let you see me sweat. 

 

His face as you fired me was that of sorrow. That he didn’t want to be in this position. He looked at me with pity, while it seemed you were doing a victory dance. Was I that bad of an employee for you to find joy in letting me go? You were so callous it was almost cruel. At least he had some sense. He knew I was a good worker and I don’t even think he truly understood your decision. 

 

Jealous Co-Worker

 

Because she was always in your ear about something. She was intimidated by me. She hated me. Therefore, you had to hate me. I blame you and her. I do not blame him, he did nothing wrong. He was just a poor, unfortunate person to be in that situation. 

 

I can’t believe that you joked and laughed as I was cleaning out my desk. I was crying and you were laughing. That is unbelievably cruel. He walked me out, and he was genuinely sorry for the situation. But you, you were cruel. 

 

What Happened Next

 

So, I feel the need to educate you on what happened to me after you fired me. The aftermath of your decision. It’s no wonder that people hit such deep lows when they lose a job. If you put 100% of your efforts into a career and you are just dumped, that hurts. 

 

I had very little money. What money I did save went to getting a new apartment. I had to move, I couldn’t stay where I was anymore. It took everything I had. I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I felt like such a failure. Even with the meds, I was depressed. I didn’t know how much longer I was going to be able to live with myself. 

 

Choices

 

Choices are a funny thing, we make them every day. But our choices affect those around us. Your choices affected me negatively. In a bad way. I was already depressed and your choice made it so much worse. When it rains, it pours, and you were the last thundercloud. The straw that broke the camels’ back. 

 

I was a broken human. Frankly, I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I just remember being so sad. So numb. I didn’t feel anything anymore. Nothing made me happy. I was in such a deep pit I didn’t think anyone could save me. Honestly, I want you to know that. I hope my life will be a lesson to you, what man meant to do harm, God intended for good. 

 

It wasn’t good for a long time.

 

God knew that, it is only by His grace that I survived that period of my life. He knew that was the worst possible job I could be in. He knew that was a bad fit for me and my personality, though I was good at it. So really, it became a blessing. But don’t think for one second that I don’t still hold resentment towards you. Even my ex co-worker can’t stand you. No one can. Because you are rude, you talk over people, you rub people the wrong way, not many people like you. 

 

Without your poor choice

 

I would not have made it to the job I have now. I wouldn’t have met my forever love. My job now is awesome, and I am very good at it. I am highly respected by everyone that knows me. And well liked by many in my profession. I tell people how it is, I do not judge them, I do not micro manage, and I am not micro managed. 

 

I am free to do things my way. And my way works. I am still medicated, but it is for the best that I am medicated. It helps me cope with those dark days. Those days that are so uncertain, I never know when one is going to come up. But they are manageable now. 

 

My life is better now, no thanks to you. 

 

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No Thanks to You Part 2

Here, from my guest blogger, is No Thanks to You Part 2.

No Thanks to You Part 2

No Thanks to You Part 2

I didn’t do things the way you wanted me to. Honestly, I like to make myself notes, I don’t shred things as often as you would like because I am afraid of losing something important. Frankly, I still do that to this day. I am good at returning phone calls, but you insist that I write down every number and every message so I don’t forget to call them back. Lastly, I can do several things at once, and you didn’t like that. 

 

You are very controlling, too much micro managing my work. Honestly, you knew I did good work, so why didn’t you let me do things my way? You told me everyone does things differently and gets their own rhythm. I had my own rhythm, but you wanted to change who I was as a person and as an employee. I took issue with that. 

 

Depression Over my Job

 

I got so depressed at this job, and so anxious over doing a good job that I had to get medicated. Every time you walked into the room, I wondered what I had done wrong now? You started making a point to notice every small detail of something I missed or got wrong. That is not how a boss should be to his employees. You didn’t praise me anymore, you didn’t give me any sign that I was enough for this job. 

 

You expected more and more from me. When I needed help, you were conveniently not around. I tried to get your help with a matter, and you were not available to help me. I made a mistake, I acknowledge that. But your biggest mistake was not being around when I needed you. And not training me like you should. 

 

Another Low Blow

 

I cannot believe that you tried to take my unemployment from me. That was one of the lowest things that you did to me. I was mortified. And when I explained to the woman at the unemployment office the situation, she quickly understood that it was not me, but you. I am glad she saw it my way. 

 

You kept meeting with me with a disappointed look in your eyes. And you dragged him into this? The look on his face was that of regret for having to deal with your misogynistic, sexist, backwards, lying actions. Telling me we can fix this, if you get yourself medicated then it will be fixed. You made me feel like the problem was with me and not you. That it was all my fault for the very few mistakes I did make. 

 

You made me feel less than human.

 

That I was just a troubled, sad person that couldn’t perform well at my job without being medicated. Do you have any idea what I was going through in that time of my life? That I was going through a break up months from getting married? My grandfather almost died and you didn’t bat an eye. I was so sad. And you made me feel like, at least in the beginning, that we were a team and you would help me through anything. 

 

But you didn’t even bother to ask. You just assumed I was fine and moved on. Frankly, you didn’t care what happened to me. You didn’t care. And that was hurtful because you said I could trust you. 

 

Smack in the Middle the Lies Began

 

Then, in the middle of all the shit I was dealing with, you let me go. Within a week of the end of my probationary period. I had nothing. Nothing. Nothing to live for anymore. You were the last straw in my life. I was already dealing with so much pain and agony, and you treat me this way. After all the work I did for you. All those extra hours I worked. 

You told me that I was rude to inmates. That I talked over them. That was all a lie. You told me that a clerk filed a complaint against me. That was also a lie. I don’t even know what I did to offend her but life goes on. The judges liked me, they still do. Funny thing how lies work. I have never had a single issue in that courthouse in my job now. I am respected and well liked. By everyone. 

 

You told me that I wasn’t a good fit.

 

Then why waste my time and yours? You could have let me go a lot sooner. If I was that bad of an employee, you would have cut your losses sooner. Isn’t that what you told me about Charlotte in frankfort? That you should cut your losses and fire me.

You told me that just to scare me. I don’t even think that woman knows my name or anything about me. I was a week from being a tenured employee. And you decided to cut me then, you milked me for all the work I was good enough for. Then you dumped me on the curb like yesterday’s trash. I was no longer your prodigy. 

Part 3 Tomorrow

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No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You

No Thanks to You.  I held such resentment for you. I still hold some resentment for the way you treated me. At first you made me feel like I was a prodigy, that I could do it all. You knew me and my family; their reputation preceded me. I was hired on pretty quickly, and I showed you all my potential.

You made me feel special, that I was doing so well. I worked well with you, with judges, with lawyers, inmates, and jail staff. I was good at my job. I did my best to be impartial, no matter the charge. I never gave anyone reason to believe that I disliked them, I was calm and collected. 

 

Everyone loved me.

 

The jail staff, my coworkers, the court staff. I had no complaints. No one came to me or had any issues with me. My co-worker vouched for me so many times because she knew how good of an employee I was. So what I don’t understand is why you turned on me. It was after you hired on your new protege that I fell by the wayside. 

 

I was still doing exemplary work, my assessments were detailed and nothing escaped me. I did well in court, I was respectful to all and did my job. And it was a stressful job, a lot of things at stake and I worked without a single complaint. 

 

You Promised

 

You promised me that you would train me further, that I would be attending all these trainings to make me better. But you failed. I did not receive those trainings. Therefore, I had to learn a lot of things myself. I told you every time I had an issue, I told you every time someone asked something of me that I did not feel right about. 

 

It was when she became a supervisor, that also falls in this time period. She really disliked me for some reason. I did my best to be kind, still told her all the issues I had, filled her in on important details. She is so fake, I can’t understand why you listened to her over me.

 

Choosing One Over the Other

 

I never gave you a reason not to trust me. She gave you every reason. It was always my word against hers, and it was always the issue with her. She is a snake in the grass, and I am surprised not more people see that in her. She pretends to be a good person, would play Christian music at work, but I could see that she was faking it. Her actions did not prove she was a good person. 

 

She went behind my back to you, over an issue that I was struggling with. I knew the protocol, I knew what would happen. She was standing over me talking in my ear with another person. Standing over my shoulder, behind me, waiting for me to call. I may have been short with her, but I did as she requested.

 

Honest Truth

 

I don’t do well when people are behind me, I don’t do well with people barking orders at me and micromanaging me. When I asked her later if there were any issues, she assured me that there wasn’t. And foolishly, I believed her.  Then, like the snake she is, she went to you without telling me. And that was the knife in the back that hurt me.

I do not trust very easily. You and her are two of those reasons. First, you told me that you would help me. That you would train me further, that I could trust you. I relied on you to help me, because you said that you would. But you didn’t, you failed in that regard. 

Part 2 Tomorrow

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The Dark Days

The Dark Days

In this piece, The Dark Days, my guest blogger describes what are depression looks like for her.  Yet, she perserveres and powers on.

The Dark Days

I never know when they will come

Always lurking around the corne

Like a lion ready to pounce

 

They come without warning

When I wake, I feel it

The darkness closes in

And I welcome it

 

The darkness is familiar to me

Though it is full of sadness and hurt

Trauma and the like

 

Part 2

But I am not surprised

I know when the time has come

For another dark day to begin

 

Therapy helps

Medication helps

But the dark days are still around

 

 

Brought on by stress or pain

Or sometimes for no reason at all

Those days where all I want to do

Is lie in bed and hide from the world

 

Part 3

I wonder what made me this way

Why do I have these dark days

Sometimes I understand

Sometimes I don’t

 

I used to be told

You have everything

How can you have these dark days

 

It’s all in your head

It isn’t real 

Then why do I feel this way

 

Part 4

It’s not that I want to feel like this

I didn’t choose this life

I don’t choose the dark days

 

If I had to choose

I would choose light

Happy

Sunshine, rainbows

Sadly, they don’t come that often

 

Part 5

It isn’t my fault that I am this way

That the dark days chose me

I can’t help it

What I can do is try to mitigate the damage

 

Damage control 

I never know when the next dark day will come

But I can take my meds

I can go to therapy

I can talk to the few people I trust

 

Part 6

Maybe

Just maybe

The dark days will go away

I can hope

I can dream

But for now, the dark days are here

 

The dark days don’t define me

They are not who I am

I know who I am

I am confident in who I am

 

Part 7

But on those days, sometimes I forget

It is a talent those days have 

I don’t mean to forget, but sometimes I do

It’s like a fog over my mind

 

A dense, soupy fog

That distorts words

Distorts feelings

Emotions

And people 

 

Part 8

I have to be strong

{I} can’t let the bad days hold me

I can’t let myself down into that pit

The pit where I have spent many a night

 

The pit is where the darkness leads

The darkness can’t take me there

No more

No more

 

Part 9

So I will soldier on

Put on a brave face 

When the darkness comes 

 

Because the darkness can’t take me

Not now

Not ever

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Powerful Note to Self

**This Powerful Note to Self is written by a guest blogger who is working through some intense emotions and trauma.  Remember, if you are a survivor of anything….it is NOT your fault!**

Powerful Note to Self

Powerful Note to Self

Note to self

This is not your fault

You are not the one who made the choice

All you did was follow a voice

A voice of someone you were supposed to trust.

Someone everyone else said you could trust

 

Not Your Fault

 

Its not your fault

that you are scared to love

Or scared to be loved

{Or} that you are afraid to be touched.

 

Stating Truth

 

If anything it is his fault

He chose to hurt you

and He chose to betray your innocent trust

He chose to do the unthinkable

and steal the innocence that you shouldn’t have lost

 

Stop!

 

so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes

you were not and are not at fault.

You didn’t make those choices

So stop claiming it as yours

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I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I Am Broken

I am broken

And I am not normal

I am not who I want to be

 

Instead I am the one thing I have been raised to not be

The one thing that will make me lose people close to me

I am not who my parents expected me to be

Also, I am a disappointment in their eyes

I am a disappointment in my own eyes

 

Struggling

 

I know it is wrong

Sadly, I know its not meant to be that way

I have not chosen to feel this way

It just happened

 

I have actively fought it

Honestly, I would rather not acknowledge it than admit to it

I don’t want to talk about it

And I don’t want to act on it

 

Normal

 

All I want is to be normal

To be who I was meant to be

Not who I have become

By choice or not

 

I hate myself for my feelings

I would rather just ignore it

Than deal with it

 

I am not normal

Sadly, I am broken

I AM NOT OKAY.

But one day I will be.

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What Would Happen if She Found Out

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quite loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality the answer is yes

Yes she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I ‘ve been told several times growing up that its wrong

If you think that way you go to Hell

If you act that way you go to Hell

 

So of course I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And im worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

Ill just let her die thinking she had at least one semi normal child

Sure it’s a lie but at least she’ll be happy

 

It ‘s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

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