In this piece, Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me, my guest blogger begins to outline her life when she was younger. She has a powerful voice yet is still too scared to let it out loudly. Time and Jesus will cure that. I’m so proud of her and all she has been doing to heal.
A Born Fixer
Ever since I was a little girl, all I wanted to do was please and helped you. All I have done my whole life is what you need. You needed someone to bathe a kid. I did it. You needed someone to help feed a kid. I did it. You needed someone to complain to, and that was me.
I grew up listening to everything wrong in your life, your husband or ex-husband’s drama, your “my kids hate me,” my kids are terrible, and my kids don’t love me. Did you forget I was your kid too? Or am I just an ear to listen and a body to help work? You’ve groomed me well for the job I would like to have one day. If anything, I am a listener and want to help others to the best of my ability. So at least there is a positive within all the negativity. I have listened to and experienced this during my life.
This Thing Called Life
My life has been a series of what mom needs me to do next? What does my youngest brother need? Or even what can I help another brother with that day? He may have had most of your attention growing up, but that also meant that he got the attention of the men in your life. So many negative things were going on in his life as well. As much as I don’t like him, I do love him, so I didn’t want to see him so upset.
You have complained to me so many times about so many different things that it makes me scared to share anything good or bad with you because I am afraid it will upset you. If I tell you some things, you’ll stop caring, stop loving me. Instead, I would bottle up or ignore it because I know you wouldn’t approve of or hurt your feelings.
What About Me and My Feelings
Like sometimes, I want to point out that I have feelings, too, and I’m tired of having only one-way conversations about you and your kids like I’m not one of them. I know you don’t mean anything by it towards me, but it still hurts me. Especially when you say we are all unmotivated kids, that’s don’t care about you. Maybe not in that order, but they have both been said. I am motivated. I work. I’m trying to move out. I do love you. Stop putting us all together like we are all the same.
One day I would like to have a conversation with you about my life and the things I am learning about myself. Like I remembered what it was like to be motivated to finish something. Sure, it’s just a sweater, but that is an accomplishment to me. To be able to wear something that I made. Just because it’s not interesting to you doesn’t mean it’s not essential.
The same with schooling; just because it’s not what you want me to do doesn’t mean that it’s not something I can do. I want to work in the psychology field with kids. But that’s not good enough for you. You want me to be able to support myself, and I get that, but why can’t you help me in my decision on what I want to do? It just might take me a while to get there.
The Truth About My Engagement
I would love to sit down and talk with you about why I truly didn’t get married. How it was a lie, to begin with, sure it wasn’t intentional, but a lie nonetheless. I want to tell you that I have recently learned that I am not interested in men but more confused than anything. I’d like to have your support while I try to figure everything out all the way. But you’d disown me for that thought or try to shame me out of it.
I have listened to everything you have had to say about everything and everyone. I have supported you through good and bad decisions. In short, I have loved you and accepted you as you are. But you would not do the same for me, I am sure. You would hear the words, and then you’d be done. Done with me and done with everything else because without me, who will you talk to?
Three Words I Can Say Could Make You Hate Me
Without me, who will help you when you’re down? Without me, who will help pick up the pieces left and glue them back together when anger or sadness strikes?
I love you, and I worry about you more than anything or anyone else. So me keeping this one thing from you. Keeping it under lock and key may hurt me, but at least I know you’ll be okay. Cause I’ll still help you. The sad thing is there’s nothing you can do to make me stop loving you, but just three could make you hate me.
Today, I am thankful for the bravery of this young lady. She certainly has powerful emotion behind her words. Also, she is using them to help her sort through the muddy water. She is loved and a treasure. May she be blessed in her courage and continue to speak for those who do not have a voice.