Tag: self-acceptance

Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Elephant in the Room

Barefoot Faith Journey

The Elephant in the Room

The Elephant in the Room

There are so many types of mental illnesses! Yet, they are rarely spoken (hence The Elephant in the Room) because it is construed as showing weakness when you can’t handle your crap. Here is a list of the main groups (or classifications) though there are probably a hundred more that can be added.

Some of the main groups of mental disorders are:

Breaking it Down

According to the DSM-V, each category of depression has specific “criteria” to meet. I am not here to argue with the authors of this book. Frequently, I have had to pull this book out to see things, and I use it as a solid guide. Yet, no two people who struggle with mental illness are the same.

That is where my thought process may not line up with the professionals. I guess that is just splitting hairs. If you or someone you love is struggling, PLEASE reach out. Reach out to a pastor, counselor, friend, family member, anyone!

My Story

I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I remember thinking I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t look like other kids or think like other kids. We didn’t have the money to buy things that others had. Don’t get me wrong, I was loved, and I was loved fiercely. So many people do not come from good home lives. I did, and I am thankful.

As I got older, things got harder. My grandpa died when I was 14. That was the first death of someone I loved, so I took it hard. So hard that I was physically ill. I remember having to stay at Susie and Frank’s house (my “other” parents) during most of the mourning time. It was just too much for me, and I didn’t know how to process it properly.

Ice Cream

I remember when my sister and I were in the car with my mom. That moment was so deep in my sadness that I couldn’t see out. I looked at Martha and said something eluding to suicide. That is the only time I remember her smacking me across the face.

The look in her eye was fear; now, as an adult, I can see that. I remember her asking me what Granny would think and how mom could go on if I chose that path. Her tears flowed freely. Again, I was fiercely loved. I couldn’t see it because of this haze that I lived in within my mind. Never have I spoken or thought that again. Her face is burned in my mind. We went for ice cream after that interaction. From that point on, we never spoke of it again.

Diagnosis, Sort of

When I was 19, I started having health problems. I was skinny because I didn’t eat (I wanted to fit in). This was my first year in college (stress), working full-time and catching the attention of inappropriate male humans.

At that time, I was diagnosed with chronic high blood pressure (which ran about 240/120), high cholesterol, Meniere’s Disease, and clinical depression. All had good times! I was shocked, as were my parents. The meds for the “medical” part started, but I was told to buck up and be quiet for the mental aspect. There wasn’t anything they could do for me. I would be fine.

Let’s Add to our Fun

When I was 20, I placed myself where I should have never been. Now, that does not mean that what happened was something I brought on! It was an active choice of another, and I have lived with that for a long time.

Depression, self-doubt, blame, shame, and all the other negative words you can think of piled on top of me. For YEARS I blamed myself. Like I could not function. I felt dirty, unworthy, and unlovable all because of an action of another. It was horrible. I genuinely do not know how Big Daddy fell in love with me. Honestly, it wasn’t very good.

Crisis Center

One day, after I had had V, I got up the nerve to call a crisis center. It was anonymous and before the land of caller id. I knew I could safely call, relive everything, and get a straight answer. My family knew nothing. My husband knew nothing. I kept this to myself for YEARS.

I used all my words. Then I used more words. I can recount every detail like I was reading a book. There is also no more emotion attached to it. I had completely detached myself from this memory.

What she told me stopped me in my tracks and began my healing. Did you know that 8/10 people are sexually abused by someone they know? At the time, I didn’t know that! I thought every case was this violent, horrific act you see on television. Nope. I was so wrong.

I will be forever thankful for the person on the other end of the line. Thankfully, I have been able to heal emotionally, talk openly, and get the needed help. If you EVER need to go through YOUR scenario, please call 1.800.656.4673 for 24/7 help!

Moving On

So many other things in my life. Death, loss of children, threats of losing children, difficult children, loss of jobs, and marriage difficulties. My depression has deepened to the point of frightening my husband and family. Thankfully, I can use my words and communicate my needs.

There is NO SHAME in medication! NO SHAME in therapy! There is NO SHAME in admitting you are not okay! There is NO SHAME depression! It is a disease just like cancer and diabetes! You medicate for those things, and you can medicate for a chemical imbalance in your brain or a circumstantial period of your life.

End the Stigma

Mamas with postpartum, people with PTSD, people with brain damage, trauma, sexual abuse survivors (we are NOT victims), soldiers, police officers, EMT workers, pastors, and people in general!

I see you! You are okay! God is bigger! Help is waiting for you! You are loved! Treasured! Accepted! A child of the King!

Do not be ashamed. Fear is a liar. You are a hero! I hear you and feel you. Medication is OKAY! There are days when I’m good. Like, I’m great! Then, there are days when I want to stay in bed and cry. That is okay as long as you don’t stay there by yourself.

Words of Wisdom

I will NEVER forget my sister saying this in the depths of one of my painful periods. “Brandi, you can let the bird fly around your head all you want…just don’t let it make a nest in there.”

I have learned self-care: I have great doctors and a med that works well with me when needed. Jesus and I are talking again. He is good all the time, and all the time, He is good. My husband has stopped trying to fix it; now, he listens to or hugs me.

You are okay, and if you are not okay, that is okay too! Soon, you will be okay! I hope this has helped someone somewhere. If not, it sure was helpful to me! Onward and upward!

 

Quotes

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Barefoot Faith Journey

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

“I love when somebody says about a woman, ‘Oh, she’s too much.  She’s too much for me.”  Too much of what?  Too much of an opinion?  She laughs too loudly?  Stands too tall?  Takes up too much space?  What would be the right amount and not too much?  She’d have to be less.  That’s what you are saying.  You’re saying BE LESS, if she’s too much.  You know what I think?  I think she should not give a f*ck about what you think about her.”  ~ Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom

All the Feels

Oh, does this give me all the feels inside? I have been told a lot of things throughout my life. I am too loud and opinionated, and I can’t Biblically submit to my husband because I’m too “Type A.” I have been told that no one will ever take me seriously because I ask questions or because my hair is pink (currently purple).

For the last two years, I have been told that I am not a good mom because of those above traits and that I shouldn’t raise my children. I should quiet down, conform, be SMALL, be LESS THAN, fit in, don’t make waves, SHUT UP.

Shrinking

So, that is what I have done. I’ve stayed home. I have shrunk back, slept a lot, eaten a lot, cried, hid, allowed people to walk all over me, spoken to me in ways I would never let them before, and so many other things.

I think it truly hit me when I was getting ready to go on a little day trip to see some family. For the first time, I did my hair and put on makeup. I wore something that covered 95% of my tattoos and looked the part. It was very much something that a woman, my age, would wear, and it didn’t call attention to me at all. I even wore authentic shoes. Then, we arrived, and I sat in a corner and smiled as I should. I spoke when I was told to and quietly filled the smallest space known to man.

The fact that I wore shoes didn’t faze anyone in that room but three people. They commented on it because they expected me to wear something that was me. I said I didn’t want to do that because I wanted not to embarrass anyone. I just wanted to blend.

Words of Love and Wisdom

My sister, her face, she loves me. She asked why you would want to blend in. We wanted you here for who you are and not for any other reason. She loves me for me. All of me. The sparkly, glittery, tattoo-y, purple-haired human that I am.

See, I didn’t want to stand tall. When I draw attention to myself, I tend to get judgemental looks and words from others. Words that cut me down and did not lift me. Actions that forever change the course of my life and not in a good way. I wanted to shrink and be so small yet be there because I love these people and show my support.

Her words have been bouncing around in my head ever since. Then, I heard this quote, and it all began to fall into place. I am NOT too much. I am ALLOWED to take up space. I am BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY created. These ADULT BULLIES will not stop me from being who I am. I have allowed them to take up TOO MUCH of my brain space, and enough is enough.

I Am

I am going to have purple hair.

I am going to get more tattoos.

I am going to swear occasionally.

I am fluffy.

I am amazing.

I am good.

I am a DAMN GOOD mom.

I am an AMAZING wife.

I am beautiful.

I am creative.

I am feminine.

I am worthy.

I am a child of the King.

Love Yourself

For those that are reading this, you are those things as well! Be chunky and wear a crop top if you want. Wear glittery things. Color your hair. Be loud, have opinions, and love those with differing opinions because that is what we are called to do. I have a couple of good friends that are my opposites.

Guess what?

I love that we are! I learn from them, respect them, and love them. Whether you are big, tiny, old, young, middle-aged, atheist, your sexual orientation, or your family dynamics. I love them all. I have no desire to judge any of you because I have been judged for far too long.

My tribe may be the size of the “period” at the end of the sentence, but they are faithful and true. We can have great discussions and not agree, yet we can still love each other. That is because we allow each other to stand tall, be seen, take up space, and be themselves.

Ooooh.

ALL. THE. FEELS.

 

 

Faith Journey

Letting Yourself Be Seen

Barefoot Faith Journey

Letting Yourself Be Seen

Letting Yourself Be Seen

Today, I am going to let myself be seen. Today, I am going to declare that I am enough. For so long, I have struggled with conformity friendships. I desire to conform, but it is not me when I do. I lose myself in that moment and realize that I am doing this to fit in. 

Sisters, you are not created to fit in. You are designed to be salt and light. You are made to be a city on a hill, not a face in the crowd. I was not only a face in the crowd. I had customized masks to wear for each crowd.

God Speaking

I learned very young that I was not like other people. I thought differently, acted differently, and believed differently than my schoolmates, roommates, boyfriends, siblings, and parents. 

At the age of 10, I remember standing in the driveway of my grandparents’ house declaring that, one day, I would adopt from Ethiopia. How I even knew where that place was is still a mystery. I wanted to adopt, and I wanted to adopt an older Ethiopian boy because that is the child that no one wanted.

Storing Up His Promises

I kept that stored in my heart, never releasing it because my family struggled with racism. At one point, I was informed that I could choose my black children or my father. I thanked my father for the love and protection he had given me, kissed him on the cheek, and then told him I would choose my children.

Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? People-pleasing me.

Judgment of Others

The people that no one wants to be around are the people I am drawn to in my spirit. I have been told to be careful who I associate with because it could question my faith and salvation. I have also been told that I cannot be submissive to my husband because I’m loud. I have been told I am not worthy to stand in front of people because no one wants to hear what I have to say. After all, my hair is pink, and I have tattoos. I have been judged on my children acting like children and had horrible things said to me in regards to them. Things have been told, and I still struggle to forgive the words and the people who said them.

My Lady

My best friend was 79 when we met. She was my Lady. That’s what I called her. It started as a mentor, then moved to friendship. Next, it moved to me being her caregiver, then a closeness that I cannot explain, and then I had to give her to Jesus. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done. My Lady saw me. She saw through the masks and the facades I tried to put on. My Lady loved me without abandon, and Ms. Jo treasured my family, though we were all different. She was my person.

That is What Everyone Needs

They need a Lady, a friend, a confidante who sees you, and you see them. It was beautiful but short-lived as she passed away. I miss her. She told me my tattoos were stupid, but she always wanted to look at them and touch them. She would wring my neck if she knew her name was on my body. I took Faith(i.e.), hope, and love to another level. There is a cross (love) with a semi-colon, doves (hope), and Faith(i.e.) because her name was Faithie.

I challenge you all to be you. Love you. Embrace your weirdness, and never do you have to explain yourself. Ever. Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no and zero explanations.

 

Faith Journey, Quotes

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

Barefoot Faith Journey

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

“True Beauty”

Do You think that a California girl is supposed to have curls and wear a jean size 3?
All the curves in all the right places, spray tanned faces like on TV?
And we read in the gospel of Vogue that we’re all supposed to dress and move and be
Visions of perfection
Such a misconception
‘Cause the real connection is deeper than the eye can see

This reminds me of a post that I wrote about the little squares of life.  We do use social media to compare ourselves to others.  Anyone can control what they specifically present to the world.  What you don’t see is the chaos behind the phone and in the background.

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Aw, Psalm 139, about how God created us.  If you haven’t read it, you should!

World Versus Truth

Don’t know much about Dolce and Gabbana
Seems like a lot of drama to me
And you can keep all your red high heels
And open-toed shoes – I’m good in my bare feet
Lets get down to the nitty gritty
Enough sex and the city
What about purity?
Skin is just the surface
The passion and the purpose that’s burning down inside us
Is really what we need to see

Purity is a rarity these days.  How sad is that?  It is such a slippery slope when you fall in “lust” with someone else.  Even if that someone is your forever.  Everyone can fall prey to their emotions.  It is natural.  We just need to be wise, be held accountable, and don’t be alone with the opposite sex.  Saves a whole lot of hurt, even if you are engaged!

Chorus

What’s inside of you
What’s inside of me
The hands that made the moon and the stars
The mountains and the seas
Made you wonderful, beautiful, marvelously
Let the whole world see your
True beauty

Love and Peace

Doesn’t come in a bottle, doesn’t come in a box
You can’t spray it on, you can’t wash it off
You can’t nip and tuck, you can’t sew it up
So don’t waste your time
It’s the love in your heart, the peace in your soul
The hope in your smile lets the whole world know
This little light – you gotta let it shine

Love, peace, hope, smile, and shine are so important in your heart. These things can be so hard to accomplish. It can be challenging for a person who deals with mental illness. Honestly, we all need to work on having these attributes. I need to put sticky notes up that remind me of these things.

True Beauty from Within the Ashes

This song, True Beauty, is one that I have not heard in years. When this album came out, I bought it and listened to it faithfully. Then, life happened, and over the years, things got misplaced. I was working on my “Worship” playlist that I listen to often on Youtube. Shackles is a song I love. It is also by Mandisa. When searching for it, True Beauty came to the top of the list. Then, I found the album.

I thought that I would listen to it since I was working on my blog and feeling the urge to write. I heard this song, and it felt like warm water was poured over me. It speaks to me on a different level than it did when she released this song.

Events of Today

Today, I was ministering to a heartbroken young lady, and we talked about beauty from ashes Isaiah 61:3. It is one of my favorite verses. Her voice has been stifled for so long. She has been silenced from the abuse she experienced to what is to come—in her eyes, broken.

We talked about how the Lord has a purpose for all that went on and is going on. One day, she was going to find the strength to use her story to help others. She would, indeed, hold the hand of another and walk them through the ashes to help them find their beauty.

Encouragement

I hope that you find encouragement that you are not alone. You are loved beyond measure. Regardless of your past, current, or future circumstances, God loves you RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! You have to do nothing to gain His love. Also, you can do nothing to lose His love. He loves you yesterday, today, tomorrow, and every day till He calls you home.