Depression

Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts

Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts

Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts

Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts.  Have you ever looked at yourself in wonder where you went?  That young person you were, is no longer there.  The young adult you were went by in sheer survival mode.  The 30s were supposed to revive you, yet it flew by in a trauma tornado.  40s were the “new” 30s and sadly, you missed that decade too.

Who Am I Now?

Honestly, I have no clue.  I was told, now that my house is dwindling down in children, that I need to start trying new things to see what I like.  My taste might have changed.  I liked singing, drawing, needlepoint, and reading.

Now, singing is a thing of the past.  Whenever I turn a song on, I usually bawl my eyes out.  Drawing and needlepoint is not gonna happen because of my tremors.  Reading, I could get into that again but once I start a book, I cannot stop and everything gets neglected.

So, what am I to do?  Take up horseback riding (did that, too old now), rodeo clown, runner, Bible thumper, interpretative dance?  None of those things sound appealing.  What does a woman, almost 49 years old do?  I would love to go back to work, but doing what I want to do which is counseling.  Maybe I would enjoy getting my Ph.D. That costs LOTS of money, that I don’t necessarily have to dedicate to another 2 years of college.  I mean, lets face it, I’m still paying for my Master’s and I never use it.

Is This Depression Talking

Making friends is not high on my agenda, going to brunches…not my thing.  Idle chitchat stresses me out.  Leaving the house stresses me out.  I love counseling and helping people.  Yet, without having my license that is not gonna happen.

What do people do?  I am not the same person I was in my 20s, 30s, and 40s.  Vastly different if you ask me.  A lot of that is mental illness and living in survival mode.  Let’s face it, I’m still actively raising children.  My youngest is only 7.  The 3 kids, still under my roof, all have some sort of special need that requires time and attention.

I guess I should be an uber driver.  Maybe that is the answer.

That is kind of where I am at today.

It has been a quiet day, filled with at least one whacko thing (if you don’t count the “why is there a slice of pizza in the back of my van…where did it come from…how long has it been there..when was the last time we even ordered a pizza” conundrum), and one moment of flat out rage.

This rage came out of nowhere on this pretty, beautiful weather, cool type day.  It started off with “hey, where is your mask?” and it ended with me taking an antianxiety pill and said child hanging out in their room.  We are both taking a time out…yet I haven’t seen this child enough today to even need a time out from them.

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with me?  My poor family.  I hate they have to deal with my mental instability.  I want better for them, all the way around.  The anxiety and depression shouldn’t affect them and I pray that they never inherit it.  I hate it.  All of it.

I am pro medication, holistic medication, meditation, Jesus, therapy.  All of those things I still do, but here I am…having a moment…over a mask.  So stupid.

Yes, I’m questioning my life and sanity over one simple question.

Seriously, what is wrong with me?  I started feeling it come up from my toes.  Literally, I put my fingers over my lips…yet I continued.  In my head, I could hear that still small voice saying “enough, young lady.”  I ignored it and acted a fool through my (literally) clamped lips.  Oh, and add that to the brain zaps of weaning yourself off of antidepressants because the one you are on makes you want to do not so nice things to yourself.

Good times, all the way around.

Now, my dog is being a rebel and walking in the cul-de-sac, my cat thinks she is an outdoor cat and darted out, the random piece of pizza is still in the back of the van, I forgot one kid at school, then I took one kid 2 hrs early to work because we both forgot when he was supposed to be there, and supper is a “new imaginative” dish that I concocted from the meal I invented last night.

Tis the life.  Now, off to go and apology, do spelling words, figure out why this random spot in my house is sticky, and maybe cry.

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Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back

Get Your Fight Back is one of the first videos I saw on TikTok.  This, well, it gave me chills.  Every time I hear/read it, I have the same experience.  Sarah Jakes Robert is amazingly delivered this sermon.

“Get Your Fight Back” by Sarah Jakes Robert

It is titled “Get your fight back.”

Girl, get your power back.

~Girl, start acting like you are a king’s daughter, and that there has always been a crown attached to your head.

Even when I was sick I was still His. Even when I was dead, I was still His.

Do you know who I am?

I am a child of the highest God.

He has kept me alive so that I can be a testimony to everyone attached to me.

Get Up: There is No Hold on You

Girl, you can get up again.

And Girl addiction can’t have you.

Girl divorce gotta let you go.

Get up girl, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up, Girl get up again.

Girl Depression gotta let you go.

And Girl anxiety has to lose its hold.

I’m pleading for you to get up.

My daughter needs to see you get up.

And My sister needs to you get up.

Get up, Get up.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up again,  I gotta get up again.

Get Your Prophecy

God’s you just sent a word, And now I know I need to get up again.

Something died on the inside of me, but I feel my spirit coming back.

I feel my power coming back and my ideas.

And I feel these dry bones shaken and coming back to life.

I’m getting up, I’m getting up.

I’m getting in position.

And I’m tired of crying about it.

I’m tired of fighting about it.

So I’m getting in the position.

Girl, You gotta get up.

I’m getting up for my daughter, I’m getting up for my sister, I’m getting up for my kids, I don’t even have them yet, but I was getting up for them too.

And I’m getting up for my community and marriage.

Gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

Jesus, you’ve been chasing me too long.

I’m here and I surrender.

I gotta get up, I gotta get up.

The bitterness you got to Let me go.

Death, You can’t have me.

I gotta get up.

Honestly, I gotta find my joy.

I’ve got to find my peace.

I Gotta find my spirit again.

My friend made me who I am, my spirit got me into this.

And My spirit is gonna get me out, My spirit is going to get me out of it.

I got my Spirit back.

God touch me, God overflow.

I need your spirit, I’m hungry for it, I’m desperate for it.

God help me up.

Who You Need to Let Know

Let Hell hear you.

And Let the Depression hear you.

Let the enemy know.

And Let death know.

Spirit

The spirit is coming back to me.

This spirit, what spirit?

The Holy Spirit, the Name that is above all Names.

Yes. When we call on that Name things happen.

That’s what I’m calling on.

What I need

Your Spirit.

Jesus, I need your power.

Your healing.

Get Who You Are Back

The King of kings.

Lord of lords.

You are the way maker.

My healer.

What I Call You

Excellent.

Wonderful.

Magnificent.

Jehovah Jairus.

Jehovah

What I Say

You can have control.

I surrender.

Make a way.

Nothing is off limits

I say God touch me as only you can do.

God give me power.

Help me forgive.

I say God Cleanse me from bitterness.

Sermon Video and Full Transcript of Sarah Jakes Robert

Girl Get Up

Beyond my Cross

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