Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What Would Happen if She Found Out

In What Would Happen if She Found Out, my guest blogger talks about what would happen if the people she loved most knew the truth?

What Would Happen if She Found Out

What Would Happen if She Found Out

That I was more different than she had ever thought

That I was the one thing she couldn’t tolerate

 

Would she kick me out

Or would she hate me

Would she quit loving me

 

I would love to say no

But in reality, the answer is yes

Yes, she would do all three

 

Go To Hell

 

I’ve been told several times growing up that it’s wrong

If you think that way, you go to Hell

If you act that way, you go to Hell

 

So, of course, I didn’t want to admit that I am what I am

I didn’t want anyone to know my preference

Because I myself ignored it, hoping it would go away

 

Yet here I am at the age I am realizing really, for the first time

What I am and which people I like

And I’m worried about her reaction if she were ever to find out.

 

What I Have Been Told

 

Growing up, I’ve been told that she would rather DIE than have a child like me

Well, a child who likes a person of the same gender

I was told that she would rather stay in the dark than be told

 

So I’m going to respect her wishes

And not telling her

I’ll just let her die thinking she had at least one semi-normal child

Sure it’s a lie, but at least she’ll be happy

 

It’s the least I can do

She deserves to be happy

And I deserve to have a standing relationship

with at least one member of my family

 

The Trevor Project

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

What is Normal

What is Normal

~What is normal and what is not normal?  My guest blogger tries to determine this for herself.~

What is Normal

I sit, and I wait, and I try to think about what I can do to make myself normal

Or at least more acceptable

I could hang out with some friends

Go watch some tv and sit and chat

 

But I have to make sure I stay on topics that wouldn’t make me lie to feel like I fit in

That I feel the way they do about everything

Or something more than others

So maybe not that

 

What Should I Do?

 

Maybe I could go on a date

Sign up for a dating app

Oh no, that could be trouble

What if my friends find out I’m looking at

So no, not that

 

Ok, so I know what’s safe

Just go to bed and get some rest

But then, when I go to bed, my mind won’t shut off

And I’m stuck with the thoughts that I’m trying to ignore.

 

When I get here

This is when it gets ugly

This is when the spiral goes down

This is when I try to hurt myself

 

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Should Have Known

 

I Should Have Known

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

 

The Trevor Project

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Healing Process

In the last part of my guest blogger’s piece, she talks about The Healing Process.  What she has gone through and how she came to peace.  God is so much bigger!

The Healing Process

Remembering Little Details of What Happened

 

Some people might think I am making this big deal of being cheated on by a boyfriend. Sadly, women get cheated on, which is typical in our society. But it’s different. And yet, I don’t think I forgave him, truly forgave him, until a few weeks ago when I attended church with my family and heard my Pastor’s sermon. I sent him a short and to-the-point message saying that I forgave him and would pray that his life would be abundantly blessed in everything he tried. That was hard for me to write. Especially considering that he might not have even read the message in the first place since he blocked me off everything. 

 

The Healing Process

 

But for me, that is part of the healing process. I don’t hate my ex. I choose to remember the good things about our relationship rather than focus on the bad stuff. I need to move forward and be patient enough to wait for God’s perfect man for me in the future. It could be a few days from now or possibly years from now. But I am choosing to be patient and wait for my lifelong partner. And I will continue to pray for him and that he finds his perfect partner. We might not have had the best relationship in the world, but he was still a part of my life, and I will never be rid of those good and bad memories. 

 

Advice

 

You have to choose yourself. You have to help those girls and women who have been cheated on by their significant other. Others are in those not-so-good relationships. If you see a red flag, then get out. Please don’t do what I did and settle for someone who is not your person. It is not worth the heartache and days of tears that will possibly be in your future. 

I might be young, and my experience might not have much meaning, but it is my life. I chose not to settle. And I like being single. Sure, it’s lonely sometimes, but you truly learn who you are and what your personality is like when you are by yourself. Love you. Take care of yourself. Don’t settle. He is not a monster, but he was not mine forever. 

And for the first time in a long time, I am okay with that.

 

Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow

The Rest of my Story Let the Tears Flow. The flow for the pain these people went through. The pain that their family and loved ones have gone through. The lost time, confusion, hurt, and then that moment of despair.

Office Buddy

The man that I worked with was the life of the office. We shared our office space, and we had the most fun, hands down, of any other office. He introduced me to his lovely ‘female friend’ and her son, C. They were all so dang cute together. We all loved hanging out, and C had a bit of a crush on me. He was like 8, so it was pretty sweet. There was no surprise that they would get married soon after they met. Then along came baby B! Wow, what a transition.

My friend got another job in another town (close by). He wasn’t too far away, and so he commuted. His wife continued to work, and both boys began school. Life seemed to be good for them until the moment when I got the phone call.

Screams

The screams of my friend’s wife still bounce around in my head from time to time. I didn’t realize that my friend was struggling with mental illness because their family put on an excellent show. It turns out he couldn’t move forward and made a devastating choice for those who loved him. I will never forget the look on her face when she told me what happened. She was talking, but she wasn’t present. This is something you never get over. You always wonder what you could have done differently. The pain does not cease with time.

All In the Family

Here is another family that is close to my heart. Well, when I met this family, they were infectious. The dad was loud and in your face. Mom was loud and loved to talk and make friends. The kids were big. Loud. Boisterous. Kids. A blended and unique family that seemed to figure out how to make it work.

Again, from the outside, life looked awesome. Great job for him. Great job for her. Kids in college, school, military, money, lovely house. Then, you open the door to this beautiful home and see what is going on behind closed doors.

Silence, arguing, pain, grudges, fights, booze, meds, threats, screaming. There was one person of stability in the house, and he was fantastic. Sadly, the Lord called this person home. That’s when things started falling apart. The marriage was dwindling, and the kids were not doing what they needed to do. Then prescription drugs and alcohol began to play a factor.

Instability

When a parent is unstable, and children witness or deal with suicidal attempts or threats, it alters their minds forever. Sadly this is the case. Due to undiagnosed medical conditions, the struggle has been consciously breathing in and out every day. So, it is no surprise when one of her children followed her in her footsteps. Generational curses can be broken! Thankfully, everyone in this family is doing their best to take the next right step.

2 Families, Same Story

Drugs, alcohol, abuse, feelings of unworthiness, and depression plagued two boys. One was a young boy, not even a teen. The other was a young man with a brand new baby to love. In my eyes, both of these boys were loved, but in their eyes, they were not worthy of love. They were useless, and people would be better off without them. Knowing the people that saw what happened that day and ran to their rescue haunts me. I cannot even imagine seeing what they saw and the strength it took them to save these boys. The thankfulness that these, now men, are still alive does not leave my mind.

Yet, they are still struggling with the same things they did when they were younger. The boy of the story cannot work, drive, or do much of anything. He is confined to one space. How heartbreaking to wake up every day to the same thing day after day with no hope of getting out of that space.

The young man in the story is working and doing okay. Raising children and trying to do life in the best way he knows how. He copes with drugs and alcohol and still suffers from depression. I hope that these young men can see who they are in God’s eyes. They are loved beyond measure.

The Screams of a Mother

There is nothing quite like that phone call. This mom has given her life to raising her children in God’s light. She loves her children and has made enormous sacrifices for them. She has made decisions that no parent should have to make. Then, her young son does the unthinkable and succeeds. It was the most heart-wrenching thing I have ever heard. All I could do was pray for peace—her voice.

My Sweet Friend

I met this sweet friend at a place that helped my son. She had a kind smile and a loud laugh. Shortly after we met and became friends, she was diagnosed with cancer. She fought that battle and won. We missed seeing her every week, but it was safer to be home and not get sick. Treatments are hard on a body.

I was thrilled when I saw her walking toward me one day. She had her bandana on her head and a smile on her face. My son was so excited to see her, as well. Again, this woman I knew had some struggles, but for the most part, she “seemed” happy until she wasn’t.

Sigh, I can’t even begin. Articulate properly. Precious human. She is now at peace though missed here.

Then There was Leigh Ann

My loud, firecracker, sailor-mouthed friend. Fearless. Brilliant. Beautiful. All of the stories I told have taken a piece of my heart. Leigh Ann, however, has taken a chunk. Again, the horror of hearing her mama and the words coming out of her mouth. The useless feeling washed over me as I held her sweet son while he sobbed. Her daughter. Brother. Even her dog was mourning.

I have written about her before, and I will not discuss her life or death in this post. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Honestly, not a night goes by when I close my eyes and see her staring back at me. Her death was one of the most painful experiences of my life. I am not okay.

Parting Thoughts

I have dedicated this whole month to awareness and suicide prevention. I have posted myths and facts on my Facebook page, as well. Honestly, I have no idea how many people even read what I write, but it is healing for me. I heard this not long ago, this statement. If a person were in their right mind at that moment, they would never follow through with suicide. I say this because if they were in their right mind, they would think about the NEXT moment. For instance, who would find them? How would they live in or drive by the place where it occurred? What about their children? If they had them, what would they grow up knowing?

So many questions and so few answers.

Moments are fleeting, but the Truth of the Lord remains. Your life is worth more than all the rubies and gold in heaven. He created you in the image of His Son. Jesus loves you without abandon, and you have to do nothing to earn it. There is help, and there is hope. You are loved. Your life is worth living. Please think about that next moment after you imagine your “success.” Think about the other person who will find you and have to tell your loved ones.

Seek help. Medication. Therapy. Self-care.

Some of my friends survived, and too many were lost to suicide. I have put off writing this and posting this for a month and all day today. It is hard, and I know I will have bad dreams tonight. I am always trying to save everyone. You can save yourself by calling any of these resources to help you!

Resources

1.800.273.8255 Suicide Hotline

1.800.799.7233 National Domestic Violence Hotline

1.800.422.4453 Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline

1.866.488.7386 The Trevor Project LGBTQ? Hotline

 

Depression, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Resources that Can Help with Suicide Prevention

Resources that Can Help with Suicide Prevention

 

Resources that Can Help with Suicide Prevention

Suicide is a topic that is near to my heart. This month is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. Specifically, if you think someone you know is in danger, call 911! Make sure they seek help. During an escalated situation, sometimes mental clarity can get in the way. For that reason, recognize the problem. Therefore, be prepared and have numbers handy. For that reason, understand that the person you are helping can cause friction. During this friction time, do not be offended by what could be said to you. By making the phone call and intervening, you are saving another person’s life. Specifically, your friend’s life. Also, do not disappear. Firstly, the person you are helping feels abandoned. Secondly, by staying with them, you are showing them they are still loved. More often than not, this act is as important as that first phone call of help.

1. Suicide Prevention Resource Center (SPRC)

Website: http://www.sprc.org/ Crisis Line: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Subsequently, the (SPRC) is the only federally supported resource center.

2. National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)

Website: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml

The National Institute of Mental Health is the lead federal agency for research on mental disorders.  Firstly, they want to help people understand mental illness.  Secondly, the treatment of this illness.

3. Society for the Prevention of Teen Suicide (SPTS)

Website: http://www.sptsusa.org/

Teen suicide is a growing problem in America.  Consequently, SPTS is a nonprofit organization.

4. Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention

Website: http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/resources

This is a public and private alliance of organizations.

5. American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)

Website: https://afsp.org/find-support/resources/

The AFSP website has a long list of resources.  It also provides help to people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

6. Crisis Text Line

Website: https://www.crisistextline.org/  Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741-741

Teens are often more comfortable texting than talking on the telephone. They will help de-escalate individuals who are considering suicide.

7. HelpGuide

Website: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

HelpGuide provides information on a wide variety of mental health issues.

8. Suicide Awareness Voices of Education (SAVE)

Website: https://save.org/  Crisis line: 1-800-273-8255

Founded by a mother who lost her daughter to suicide in 1979.  SAVE’s mission is to help prevent suicide.

9. The Trevor Project

Website: www.thetrevorproject.org/

The Trevor Project was founded in 1998.  These services help LGBTQ+ young people under 25.

10. For My Spanish-Speaking Visitors

Please click on the Las Disparidades Raciales en el Tratamiento de la Salud Mental: Investigación y Recursos.  Also, thank you to Sarah Martell at Web Advocates for the link and information.

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