Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Faith Journey

What Happens When Your Pitcher of Life Crashes

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What Happens When Your Pitcher of Life Crashes

Life is like a glass pitcher from the 1960s—meant to hold lemonade, sun tea, or even flowers. From the moment we are born, we have a purpose, just as a pitcher is meant to hold liquid. As we grow, we fill that pitcher with our dreams, aspirations, and ideals. We pour into it our vision of the perfect career, the ideal family, the dream home, the car we long to drive, and the life we imagine for ourselves. Every hope and expectation fills the pitcher to the brim, reflecting the future we once envisioned. Here is a story of What Happens When Your Pitcher of Life Crashes.

But then, life happens. The pitcher slips from our hands, crashing to the floor, shattering into countless pieces. Our dreams scatter across the ground, and as we scramble to gather them, we cut ourselves on the shards of broken expectations. In that moment, we face a choice: sweep it all into the trash and discard our dreams, or painstakingly pick up the larger pieces and try to glue them back together.

Choosing the latter, we piece together our pitcher, carefully mending the cracks. To the naked eye, it may look almost whole again, a testament to our resilience. But as we begin to refill it with new dreams and experiences, the invisible fractures reveal themselves. Water seeps through the cracks, reminding us that no matter how hard we try, the pitcher will never hold liquid the way it once did.

This has been the story of my life. My dreams were grand—I wanted to be a veterinarian for farm animals, inspired by my father’s belief in my natural talent. I pursued that path, thinking it was the only way to make him proud. But in time, I realized he was proud of me simply for being his child. My true calling was to help people, though I didn’t have the words for it back then. It took 30 years for that dream to materialize.

I dreamed of a life on a farm, raising Angus cattle. Instead, I built a different kind of home. Marriage, too, took unexpected turns. He wanted one child; I wanted four. We compromised on three, ended up with five, and now we have seven. Parenting has been anything but perfect. I’ve made mistakes, but I’ve also learned the power of apologizing and acknowledging those missteps. I can’t undo the past, but I can ensure my children know they are loved, seen, and heard. I can’t force forgiveness, but I can model grace and understanding.

The dreams of my youth—riding a canary-yellow Harley, living in a spacious two-story house—evolved over time. I went from a sporty little car to a minivan, then an SUV. Our first home was a tiny 900-square-foot space, squeezing in seven people with a single bathroom. We moved several times before finally settling into a house we love—one we chose with our adult children in mind, a place where they would always feel welcome.

Is my family as close as I had envisioned? It depends on the season. Some relationships are stronger than others, and we all navigate misunderstandings and miscommunications. But we come together for holidays and gatherings, and I believe that, when it truly matters, we will show up for one another.

My pitcher will never hold water again. But rather than discard the broken pieces, I created something new. I took the shards—my pain, trauma, uncertainties, poor choices, regrets, and disappointments—and mourned the loss of what could have been. And then, God transformed those pieces into something beautiful. Like a mosaic, my life tells a different story than I once imagined, but it is still a masterpiece. Isaiah 61:3 speaks of beauty rising from ashes, and I have found that to be true. Even when life feels like it’s burning around me, when I take time for self-care, lean on those I trust, and embrace grace and forgiveness, I can see the beauty in the brokenness.

My story is still being written. My mosaic is still taking shape. And in its imperfection, it is more beautiful than I ever could have planned.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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The Lord Will Fight for You

The Lord Will Fight for You

The Lord Will Fight for You

I thought today was fitting for this Scripture. Today is my son’s 11th birthday and let me tell you…I have lived on this verse since the day he entered my life. There are so many facets of this child and the one that impresses me the most is that he is a warrior and he perseveres. He is the strongest person I know and if you knew his story, you would agree.

It has been an honor and a privilege to raise him. The Lord fought for him…from birth to his illness to when he died in my arms to when he woke up (still in my arms) to him telling me what he saw in those moments when I thought he went home to be with Jesus till now when he is as busy as anyone I have ever met. There is a battle, daily with him on different levels.

I began the journey struck with silence. My middle was mouthy. This leg of our journey, I will chose to let Him fight our battles. Do not mistake my silence as weakness because I am fiercely protective of him but I also know Who is fighting our battles. I’m good with sitting on the sidelines, eating popcorn, watching it play out because the Lord is working it all out for His glory. Happy birthday, buddy! You are our treasure and we love you forever and always.

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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When the Silence is Deafening

When the Silence is Deafening

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When silence becomes deafening, emotions can shift from moment to moment. Some days, it feels like they change by the minute. Lately, the silence has been so loud that I can’t hear myself think. It’s like when my aunt can’t smell anything because the noise around her is too overwhelming—strange, isn’t it? Even as I write this, I’m reflecting on how I got here.

On Juneteenth, my friend took her last breath here on earth. In July, my sweet granny passed away. Then, one year to the date after my granny’s death, my father-in-law died. My Lady’s birthday falls in July, but her death anniversary is on October 1st. A friend celebrated her birthday on October 6th, but she passed away on October 15th a few years ago. Although these deaths happened years ago, they feel like they just occurred yesterday.

In a crisis, I tend to be focused—quiet, but focused. I do what needs to be done, helping where I can. But it’s during the stillness of the night, when I’m not juggling multiple tasks, that everything shifts. It’s when I allow myself to be still that the grief and pain I’ve buried deep inside begin to surface.

I don’t like the silence.

It’s in that silence when I realize how much hurt and grief I’ve been holding in. My greatest fear is that if I stop, if I let myself feel, I’ll start crying and never stop. It’s difficult for me to reach out and be vulnerable, to cry in front of someone. I fear judgment, explaining myself, or making the pain I’ve held in feel too real once I speak it aloud.

Not long ago, I reached out to a friend. It felt strange. I had been alone that night, crying for hours. Then, I stopped and dialed her number. She’s the one person who rarely answers because she’s a busy mom with her own life, so I assumed she wouldn’t answer.

She answered.

No words came out of my mouth. All I did was cry. She listened and she didn’t ask questions or offer “it’ll be okay” statements. Honestly, she just listened to me cry. Afterward, I managed to say the many things that had been plaguing my heart. I didn’t want her to fix anything; I knew she couldn’t. All I needed was for her to listen and love me, without any judgment or unsolicited advice.

October 1st was another difficult day. I made it to work for about two hours before I couldn’t go any further. I left, called my mom, and pretended everything was fine, but she knew. She always knows. I kept the conversation together and then came home and slept.

Off to the Hills

I spent the rest of the day crying off and on, then called my mom again, asking if I could come over. She was busy but said she’d be home soon and I could come over then. I got in the car, feeling like I couldn’t breathe or hold it together. I told my husband I was leaving, not knowing when or if I’d be back that night.

It was a beautiful evening, so I rolled the windows down and drove. In the past, when we lived in our old house, I would go on drives like this to clear my head. There was no pressure to be a wife or a mom. I’d drive for hours, seeing new places, exploring new roads. Sometimes, a kid would join me, and we’d go on adventures. Once, I ended up in Dukedom, TN.

Visiting Granny

On that particular night, I drove on unfamiliar roads and ended up near Lovelaceville—close to my granny’s house. I took the “old way” and passed by the new houses. The familiar music stirred my emotions, and I cried even harder. Memories flooded back of driving down that road with her. My mind was a mess, and my body couldn’t hold back the tears.

I ended up at the cemetery where my granny, grandfather, uncle, aunt, and cousin are buried. I hadn’t been there in a long time. My heart longed for her presence—the wisdom she offered, the laughter she shared, the way she could solve my problems with a game of Scrabble, some juicy fruit gum, and a surprise bowl of ice cream.

Cortisol Break

I’m in the middle of a “cortisol break” as I sit here, tears dripping down my face. It’s a moment where the weight of everything comes rushing in, and I need time to collect myself.

I’ve been working through this for days, writing down my feelings. Right now, I’m listening to Made for More while holding onto the baby blanket my granny made for me. It’s my comfort—a kind of emotional support quilt. It’s full of holes, tears, and stains, but it’s mine. It makes me feel loved. It’s incredible how an object can do that.

Deafening Silence

The silence is the hardest part for me. It’s when the noise fades that the unresolved grief starts to surface. When my granny passed, I had just gained custody of two kids, only to lose her and them shortly after. When my father-in-law died, we hadn’t spoken for six months due to a misunderstanding. After LA passed, I couldn’t go to her funeral because my son needed chemotherapy. When my Lady died, my son was struggling with OMS, and my dad had a stroke, so I couldn’t process her death. And when Donna passed, that night was filled with pain in more ways than one.

There’s so much I’ve never processed, and the recent losses only add to it. If I could just trust in God’s faithfulness, maybe this pain wouldn’t feel so overwhelming. I know His word is true, and I do believe in it. But in my life, I struggle to see hope. I feel trapped, like I’m walking through mud. It’s hard to see a way out. If I don’t allow myself to feel, to sit in the silence and process, I don’t know what will happen. Maybe I’ll implode.

“Made For More”
(feat. Jenn Johnson)

I know who I am ’cause I know who You are.
The cross of salvation was only the start.
Now I am chosen, free and forgiven.
I have a future and it’s worth the living’.
Cause I wasn’t made to be tending a grave.
I was called by name.
Born and raised back to life again.
I was made for more.
So why would I make a bed in my shame.
When a fountain of grace is running my way.
I know I am Yours
And I was made for more.

Oh hallelujah.
You called out my name.
So I’ll sing out Your praise.
Hallelujah.
You buried my past
And I’m not going back.

 

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live

dare

Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live

I recently came across a piece of content by Luke Mind Power that really resonated with me. He shares empowering messages about self-love, positive thinking, and believing in yourself. Honestly, I need that kind of encouragement right now. His encouragement was to Dare to Step Out of Your Box and Live.

This season of life has been incredibly difficult for me. I feel exhausted. As I’ve shared in recent posts, I’ve withdrawn into myself to preserve what little sanity I have left. Everyone reaches their breaking point at different times, and we all handle situations uniquely. What I’ve been through feels traumatic to me, but for others, it might seem like a walk in the park—and vice versa. People cope with challenges differently.

Perspective

I don’t share a lot of personal details because, often, I get unsolicited advice and “I would” statements. I appreciate that people mean well, but in my mind, I think, “Let’s hope you’re never in my situation, but if you are, I’m sure you ‘would’ do this or that.” Right now, we are choosing to make decisions that feel right for us. We are literally living moment by moment. If the choices we make don’t sit well with someone else, that’s their problem, not ours. We might have made the wrong decisions, but we’re doing the best we can.

It’s exhausting to try to navigate life, make decisions, confide in others, get advice, and follow it, only to find ourselves in a tough situation. This cycle of self-doubt—wondering if things would be different if I had listened to someone else—has to stop.

In my heart, I know that we are loved and prayed for. I understand that people want to help or fix the situation, and that’s natural. No one likes to see someone in pain, and I respect that. But here’s the thing—please only give advice when it’s asked for. As a therapist, I’m aware that this advice-giving behavior is a bit of an oxymoron.

Dare

This brings me back to the theme of the TikTok I saw, which struck a deep chord with me. I want to live by it, to the best of my ability:

“Dedicate the next 6 months exclusively to my goals. No announcements, just fall back, and do the work. It’s me versus me this time. Stay in my lane. There is no traffic and no competition. I can do this. Write my goals down, create a vision of where I want to be, and take action. Shut my mouth, don’t talk about it, just let my success be my noise. My mind is a powerful thing. I’ll start using it to my advantage. When I fill it with positivity, my life will change. My time is now, no more excuses. I can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of me if I keep giving them the straw. It’s time for me to grow.”

Drop the Mic

Doesn’t that just hit? That line—“I can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of me if I keep giving them the straw”—is the one that needs to be tattooed on my forearm so I can see it every day. Seriously, I might ask one of my daughters to write it on a canvas and hang it up in both of my offices.

I hope my girls are reading this! If so, I need one of those for the house and one for each of my offices. My clients need to hear that too! Now, I need to process and think. Maybe a blog series about this in the future? I’m not sure, but if I do, it’ll be after I’ve spent the next six months focusing on my own goals and staying quiet.

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Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

Breathing in Hope as I Navigate Rough Waters

The past few years have been filled with so many challenges that it’s difficult to even begin to describe everything I’ve been through. I was talking with my therapist recently, and she often asks me, “What would you tell your client?” For me, answering that is easy:

  • Beauty is always in the ashes.

  • You are worthy.

  • This too shall pass (like a kidney stone).

  • You are enough.

  • The trauma that you have stored in your TNT box needs to be talked about and processed in order for you to heal. Then, it will just be a crappy memory that doesn’t trigger strong emotions like depression or anxiety.

She often asks me why I don’t listen to my own advice.

Trauma

Trauma is a word I don’t use lightly. In therapy, we talk about little ‘t’ trauma and big ‘T’ trauma, but honestly, it all hurts. Without the tools to process what’s happened, you’re left struggling with depression (where you can’t control the past) or anxiety (where you can’t control the future). In either case, you can’t live fully in the present.

Today, my supervisor asked me to think about a triangle: your thoughts dictate your emotions, which in turn affect your behavior.

For me, what I’ve been through doesn’t feel like trauma. I hear trauma stories all day, and they break my heart. There are days when all I want to do is rock a client and bake them cookies, letting them know they’re seen, heard, validated, and loved. But when I told my therapist I didn’t think trauma was part of my story, she laughed at me. “These are just things that have happened,” I said. “Do I deal with them well? No.”

This Last Round of Gross

This season has tipped me to the edge of my sanity. I’ve dealt with severe depression, moderate depression, anxiety, or a combination of both, but this time it’s been mostly depression. One hit after another—some significant, some minor, and others so tiny they’re the straw that broke the camel’s back.

During this season, I’ve been quiet. I deleted my social media, removed numbers from my phone, screened calls, and withdrew into myself. I never meant to isolate, but I’m so depressed that I don’t want to “infect” anyone else with my heaviness.

Life Keeps Moving

I still do all the things—work, cook, clean, be a grandparent, manage the home, etc. It all gets done. My sister left me a voicemail recently, saying she’d been asking my mom about me and giving me space, but now enough was enough. She told me to call, text, or answer the phone at least twice a week, and that we weren’t going to talk about my hurt unless I wanted to. We were just going to touch base.

In my sadness, I didn’t even realize people noticed. My daughter made some comments about my silence, but I didn’t fully understand what she meant because I rarely go a day without talking to her. A friend at church apologized for not reaching out. I told her I was fine (lie), but she said, “I know how you get when you go quiet.”

Those Statements Made Me Realize

Though I feel alone, I’ve been reminded that there are people who love me and would listen if I called to cry or vent. I just don’t want to impose or make people feel like they have to fix what’s going on in my world. No one can fix it. What’s broken is beyond repair. But their love and support give me hope. Hope that one day, things will be okay. Hope that I am loved and not alone. I have hope that there is a tomorrow. Hope that I have people who are willing to hold me up when I can’t stand on my own.

Hope is a powerful thing. Today, I am hopeful. Yesterday, I was not, and tomorrow is still a mystery. Mentally and emotionally, I am still not okay. There’s a lot on my heart and mind. Decisions need to be made, conversations need to happen, and the things troubling me are still there.

But here I am, still breathing and holding onto hope. Understanding that trauma is different for everyone, but it does not have to dictate my life. It’s simply a crimson thread woven throughout my tapestry. We all carry some trauma, but when processed properly, it can just be a blip on the radar—not a tsunami of epic proportions.

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I Wonder What I Will Be Like

 

I Wonder What I Will Be Like

I Wonder What I Will Be Like

I wonder what kind of mom I will be

{I} get anxious thinking about it

I wanted this for so long

But now that it is here, I am scared

 

Love and Fear

I love you more than life itself

But you scare me 

I don’t want to blink and you will be gone

The thought of losing you is unbearable

And you aren’t even here yet

 

My Desire

I want to be a good mom

But I know I will make mistakes

I want to admit to you when I make a mistake

So you know that it’s ok to make mistakes

As long as we learn from them

 

What I See

I see so many families

Hurting, every day

Because of poor choices, the parents made

I can’t be that kind of mom

You don’t deserve that

 

What You Deserve

{You} deserve everything

You deserve the world

I want to preserve your innocence

Shield you from this world

 

Will I?

I wonder if I will be good enough

That is the theme of my life

It has always been there

It always will be

 

Love

I love you more than life itself

But I wonder if I will be a good mom

You deserve a good mom

I want to be that for you

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The Reality of my Nightmare

The Reality of my Nightmare

In The Reality of my Nightmare, my guest blogger writes about her interpretation of the trials that surrounded her. She writes it as if she were me. I read it the morning of my friend’s funeral. She is pretty spot on in all that she said.

The Reality of my Nightmare

Writing this seems like a nightmare

I am waiting to wake up from this nightmare because of how real it feels. But when I open my eyes, it will all go away. No. This nightmare is real. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Why? Why me? What did I do wrong to cause these people to knock on my door? Who has been watching me and observing my every movement? 

I am afraid

Afraid to raise my voice even the slightest bit because someone might be watching. Also, I am scared to take my child to the other room for fear that someone might think I will punish them. Afraid to go out in public with my child for fear that someone will judge me the wrong way and call them again. Why me? 

Raising Kids

Raising kids is hard, especially 7 of them. They are all so different in so many ways. Yet, I would not change a single hair on their head because I love them so much. I love my kids with every fiber of my being. I would gladly take any strife or burdens off their shoulders. I will put them on my own if it helps them and their future. 

My kids are special.

Some have mentally challenging issues. Then, others have some physical problems that need my constant attention. Being a mom is hard. It is tiring even. Yet, I am glad God chose these beautiful children to be mine. 

I love fiercely and will do anything in my power to protect them from the world and its temptations. Sometimes, I help others before I think about myself and my needs. I have run ragged, going in different directions to help those in need as God calls me to do. Honestly, I try to open myself up to other moms in various clubs and organizations my kids participate. I try to help them and converse with them when they need a friend or a shoulder to cry on. 

But You

You took care of my child when he played sports on your team. He became best friends with your kids. I thought you loved him like one of your own. He stayed at your house and slept over so many nights. Every time, he had a blast when he came home beaming from ear to ear. He would tell me all about how fun it is at your house. 

Invitation then Betrayal

I invited you into my home, which we manage to keep clean amongst the chaos of having multiple children and animals in the house. And yet, you betrayed my trust by calling them. Why? Why me? 

You know my child is well-fed. We give him clothes and things to toys. Furthermore, we keep him involved in sports. Importantly, we teach him the love of Jesus in everything we do. We fight for him daily because he is different. And that’s okay because I love him so much.

How Would You Feel

You are a mother with kids of your own. How would you feel if someone called them? They showed up at your doorstep asking to be invited in. Then ask you probing questions about your home and relationships with your kids? And what if you found out that it was a supposed “friend” who called them on you. 

How would you feel? 

Betrayed? 

Confused? 

I should hope so. 

That is how I felt. 

Terrifying Agony

The terrifying agony that my kids could be ripped away from me with no warning. Sadly, the wailing and uncontrollable sobbing happened in my car when I got the call. My heart can’t take it anymore. I am so tired of having to justify myself to these people. Justify every action that I do and every word that comes out of my mouth. 

How would you feel? 

Would you demand an explanation from your “friend” and say some nasty things to them in retaliation? Would you constantly look over your shoulder to make sure no one was watching you if you ever had to punish your child in public? Or are you one of those parents letting their children run amuck and do whatever they want? 

Either way, I want you to know that it is understandable if you did not know the family or had never been in their home and seen how the family operates. It would be understandable if you didn’t know my son or me. 

But you did know us. 

I was at every game. I talked to you all the time. And yet, you still called. I could trust you. You have betrayed my trust. But I choose to let God be in control of my situation. I prefer to let God judge your actions when you get to Heaven instead of judging you, which I am not called to do. 

Honestly, I choose to love like Jesus with skin on and be the city on a hill for you. I prefer to let God listen to my sorrowful prayers and collect my tears in a jar. Furthermore, I choose to let God pick me up and comfort me because he knows I am the mom He called me to be. I am not perfect. But God does not call us to be perfect. He calls us to be his disciples and to love our neighbor in his word. 

My house may be messy sometimes, and my kids may drive me crazy most days, but in what reality is home always tidy and the kids always clean and well-behaved? I would love to meet those people and that family. 

Haven’t you ever made a mistake as a parent? 

Because if you say no, that is a bold-faced lie. We fail daily at things. The key is learning from those mistakes, moving on, and leaving the past behind us. Those failures are also successes. I have put several of my kids through a full education (and I have homeschooled them for many years as well). Two of them graduated with honors, which is a huge accomplishment.

Mama Pride

One of my kids is married with a baby on the way. I could not be happier for my sweet child. My smallest child is excelling at what doctors told us would be impossible. Yet, with me by his side, he has survived those odds. 

The moments of pride I feel for the children I raised surpass the moments of sadness I think when things like this happen. I choose to find the beauty in the ashes. I will stand tall and not be shaken by people’s opinions of my family and me.

My Choices

So I will also choose to continue to stand by my children and attend every activity, club, and sporting event they are in. And if you other moms judge me or whisper tall tales about me that are not even true, I will smile and turn the other cheek as God has called me to, even if it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Cruelty of Others

People can be so cruel nowadays, and they always look at the plank in someone else’s eye rather than focusing on the speck of dirt in their eye. Words can slice through a person and bring them down when we should be standing together as moms and supporting one another rather than bringing them down and jumping to conclusions by calling the organization before they have the facts straight. 

No, we moms are not perfect. But we are doing the best we can with the circumstances we are currently in and the children with whom the Lord has blessed us. I will continue to be the city on a hill and shine my light bright for my kids and you. 

And I know deep down in my heart that God will be pleased with my strength and integrity, and when I get to Heaven, He will say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” I can not wait for that day to come. 

In the meantime

I will continue to be the most fantastic mom to my kids and a faithful spouse to my husband. I am showing them the light of God. Continuing to shield them from the world will be a lifelong journey, but I would not change one thing about it, not for you or any other mom who says a spiteful word towards me. 

I will pray for you even though it is painful. Because in my darkest moments, I cling to Jesus the most, and when my faith is tested, I come out stronger than ever because my Redeemer is with me. No more hiding. No more fear. I will not be afraid. 

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Take Back Your Life Part 5

Today is the last day! See, I told you I wouldn’t make it as long as the previous book review! So, here is Take Back Your Life Part 5. I have been on the struggle bus today. Sadly, I have not captured my thoughts, and my strongholds are in full force. I am so frustrated with so many things. Shall we move on?

Hope

“So what is hope? At its most basic level, to have hope is to believe that something good is going to happen. That help is on the way. That it’s not over yet. And that no matter how dark it seems, there’s going to be light at the end of the tunnel. Our hope is a living hope, because we have a living Lord.”

Hope. That word permeated throughout our entire (ongoing) journey with OMS. The word started as a prophecy by three people (none of whom know each other). Then, everywhere I turned, it was that word, thought, concept. Hope. Frankly, it irritated me. I didn’t see the hope at that time. My faith level was that of a mustard seed. At that time, I most definitely had blinders on my eyes.

Yet, here we are, reading and learning about hope again. Over time, I’ve learned how to love that word and accept it. I have it all over my house in some form or the other. Even a tattoo on my arm reminds me to have hope. Hope is what I survived on after the blinders were removed from my face. While they were on, however, the people I chose to surround me with held me up, and they hoped for me when I couldn’t.

“The wonderful thing about the anchor of the soul is that it, too, comes equipped with a mighty chain. Hope has a rope: The Holy Spirit. He is our great rope that cannot be frayed, the one who has lashed our hearts to heaven.”

Did You Take a Tone With Me?

My husband and children hate it when I say that phrase. It isn’t always what they say; it is the tone they use, the body language, and the facial expressions. Someone can say I love you with complete and utter hate in their eyes. You know you can’t always believe what comes from someone’s mouth. I think Jesus says our tongue is a double-edged sword.

“Experts estimate that a very small percentage of our communication occurs through the words themselves. The great majority of what we say each day involves what we do with our bodies, our facial expressions, and the tone with which we communicate.”

Levi Lusko says, “if Jesus is the Lord of your life, then he should be the Lord of your lips. Colossians 4:6 reminds us to ‘let every word you speak be drenched with grace.’ Grace is unmerited favor, by the way. Grace is not ever deserved.”

Uhm, I need to have a redo on my entire day. My words have dripped with irritation, frustration, anger, fear, and sadness. Why do I continue to do the things I do not want to do? To add insult to injury, he says, “your intentions don’t matter; your behavior does. No one can hear what you wanted to say; we hear only what you said. The impact you have on the world is what you’re accountable for. When you allow yourself to be provoked, you give up the one thing that is yours alone: control of yourself.”

I need to go back to bed.

Anger: Party of 1

“You might struggle with anger, but you are not an angry person. You might struggle with people, but that doesn’t make you not a people person. Your face can absolutely have an impact on those around you, for better or worse. Positive thinking is important. So is watching how you speak and minding your habits.”

We are at the end of this book. I didn’t squeeze all the goodness out of it because I was hoping you could go and buy it. Marinate on this book. Put it into practice. I pray that forgiveness is shown to me and that I can start over. In the middle of the day, have a massive do-over.

“So tie yourself to Jesus, and you’ll feel his power as you work out the life he breathed into you. Take off your grave clothes. And remember that when you are authentically your healed self and walk humbly as a follower of Jesus, you can live in confidence without fear, distraction, depression, anxiety, worry, regret, quarrels, addictions, darkness, selfishness, self-sabotage, narcissism, the held-hostage version of yourself you don’t want to be, or anything else that gets in your way and stunts your growth. Draw a line in the sand – a crimson line painted with the blood of Jesus – and decide that the cycle ends with you. Your children don’t have to inherit from you what you inherited from your parents. Fight this battle so they won’t have to.”

Powerful. Just keep swimming, friends. We, as believers, know what happens at the end of the book. We win.

Related Posts

Why Am I Feeling Anxious?

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 4

Take Back Your Life Part 4

You Can’t Be a Victim and a Victor at the Same Time

“God is saying that impossible things can be done when you speak faith in the midst of the storm, though sometimes the impossible thing is you continuing to believe in him in the middle of it all, even when what you’re believing for doesn’t happen. He’s not saying you’re going to get every single thing you want if you just speak to it in an attitude of faith. Always, Jesus’ attitude is “Thy will be done, not mine.” Take Back Your Life Part 4

It is so hard to believe in the middle of it all. My faith was tiny during the most challenging part of our OMS journey. I felt defeated. The doctors were talking at me and not with me. Only one doctor in another state spoke with me and helped me understand everything I needed. Though her belief system was different than mine, she gave me hope. That hope restored and grew my faith exponentially.

“Jesus didn’t come to give us a blank check for any dream. But when hard days come, the way we speak in the midst of our crisis, in the midst of our difficulty, can cause something to happen that feels impossible. A mountain of discouragement can move and  mountain of ingrained negativity can move. A mountain of hopelessness can move. It happens when we do things like speaking words of faith in the midst of a chemotherapy treatment. Suddenly we have more to give and joy where there shouldn’t be any.”

In the midst of one of our journeys, the above statement happened. That one doctor, Kavita Thakkar from UPMC, gave us hope. In doing that, our mountain and perspective shifted in a way that occurred three years before meeting her. God speaks through any situation and any person. We have to listen. “God’s most important miracles can’t be seen with the naked eye.”

Feelings

My Lady always said, “no one can make you feel one way or the other. Your feelings are your decision to have or not have.” I miss her. Levi Lusko states that “You need to learn to feel your feelings. Lean into them. Diagnose them. And then do what is needed to move through them.” Do you know how hard that is to do when you have chosen to stuff your feelings most of your life?

He goes further to say (and I am paraphrasing here), “if you try to understand what is driving it, you can look to the Lord to fill the hole instead of ~the things~ of the world. You will discover that the ache you were going to silence with something on Disney+…was actually the voice of Jesus calling you to himself… The silencing of that discomfort by fast food or fast delivery from e-commerce brings the opposite – more punishment than reward.”

I do that, especially at night. Binge-watch things, play my bubble game, eat popcorn. Lately, I’ve been closing my eyes and listening to some praise and worship music. Listening to music creates a space where my feelings are feeling things. Honestly, I’m not sure what to think about that. It is not pleasant, but I know it is healing.

Decision-Making and Fear

“All I can tell you is that you must not let fear play a part in your decision-making. You can’t ignore fear, but you don’t have to let it control you. True bravery isn’t feeling no fear. It’s being afraid and moving forward anyway.”

Currently, I have a big decision to make. In my world, I need a step-by-step of what I need to do to get from point A to point B. In a turn of events, after ten years, I now have that step-by-step guide. Now, I’m ready to back out and not do it out of fear. What if I’m not good enough or what if I can’t pass the test? How about “What if I can’t find a job?” More questions are “What if I can’t find a supervisor or what if I screw someone up?”

I’m allowing fear to overtake logic and a calling. I know I’m called to do a sure thing. I’ve taken some vast steps to get to this point. Yet, I hit a brick wall when I got involved with someone who did not have my best interest in mind. Levi Lusko states, “not only is failure not a bad thing, but it is a necessary thing. The only way to get to victory is to be willing to make mistakes on the way there.” Choosing this Lady and believing her lies was a HUGE mistake. Then, OMS hit, and I had no choice but to care for my son. Most obstacles (except a supervisor and a job) are out of the way. I’m terrified.

Fear is affecting this decision. Completely. “God isn’t scared of what you’re scared of. But you don’t have to pretend like you’re not frightened. Naming your fear is part of getting through it. It’s also important to remember that Immanuel means “God with us.” Jesus is with you. You are never alone.” God states in Psalm 91:5, “You shall not be afraid of the terror by night.”

Stronghold

“A stronghold is an area in which you have become entrenched in believing something that isn’t true or in doing something you shouldn’t be doing. As a result, the Enemy has a heavily fortified position in your life. Simply put: it’s a constant pull in the wrong direction. These strongholds put a chokehold on the joy, growth, freedom, and strength you are meant to experience. They neutralize your effectiveness and lock you in a state of darkness and arrested development.”

I have many strongholds. Anger is fear and/or sadness. Tonight, there was an issue. I am beyond exhausted, and I have two choices. One choice was to sit here and dissociate. The second choice was to intervene. I don’t have enough energy to intervene. Logically, I can tell you what outcome will come if I just let my husband handle it (not allowing my stronghold to rule me), or I can intervene (and have my stronghold rear its ugly head). Tonight, I choose to dissociate.

How to demolish them:

  • Spot them.
  • Renounce the thinking or behavior and se3t your soul against it.
  • Paint the target so heaven can blast it with God’s supernatural power.
  • Let your squad in on what has been going on.
  • Vigilantly and diligently build something in place of the sin so it can never be rebuilt.

“Rise up and do exactly what the devil doesn’t want you to do. Refuse to go gently into the night. Don’t be taken without a fight…”

Tomorrow will be my last day of posting on this book. Powerful book.

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Take Back Your Life Part 3

Part of me wants to rush through this book, so I don’t bore people. The other part of me wants to stop and absorb everything that stands out. Frankly, it is pretty therapeutic for me. We shall see how far I get. At the end of each section, there are very thought-provoking questions. You can thank me now for not posting/answering! Take Back Your Life Part 3

You Always Have a Choice

Levi Lusko states that “Satan can’t make you do anything. You always have a choice. In that way, you are more dangerous to yourself than the devil is. He has to check with God before he can wreak havoc in your life, but you can do great damage to your calling without getting approval from anyone.”

I would have never thought that. In my mind, God either allows or ordains the things that happen in your life. He can change it instantly because He is God, and He can do that. Yet, free will comes to play, and though He can override free will, He chooses not to. If He did that, we wouldn’t cry out to Him or need a God to come to our rescue. Maybe I’m wrong.

“Remember, God doesn’t cause bad things to happen, but he is sovereign and nothing happens outside his permission. The devil is the one ultimately responsible for evil.”

I know God is the only omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God. He can be at all places at all times, at the same time. Satan can’t do that. He can only be at one place at any given time, but he does have an army that he can send out that seeks to kill, steal, and destroy you.

Finding Beauty from Ashes

One thing that I told my clients, often, was that there was a purpose in their pain. Whether it was allowed or ordained, God would use whatever situation they are currently going through to help another person find beauty from their ashes.

Levi Lusko agrees to say, “But be of good cheer. There is a connection between the strength of our pain and the volume of our voices. The more we hurt, the louder we become. The things God deposits in your spirit amid suffering are the same things that someday others will desperately need. I dare you to look at the hardships you’re facing and believe that, through them, there are people you are meant to reach.”

I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Amid pain, suffering, uncertainty, and trials, we can’t see the forest for the trees. Yet, God has a helicopter view. He sees the beginning to the end. In those moments, He knows that there will be someone, somewhere, that will walk through the same thing you are walking through.

Who better to minister with someone than someone with a child who has instantly been stricken with a rare disease? Especially when that someone is five years on the other side. Is there someone better to minister to a wife who finds out her husband has an addiction that he has been hiding for most of her marriage? What about the mom who has a prodigal child? When you have a wayward child, you have lived it and can not only sympathize but empathize with them.

“None of your tears have fallen to the ground unseen.” God states in His Word, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

Power in the Pain

In Take Back Your Life, Levi Lusko states, “I always want you to believe in Jesus’ name that there will come a day when the devil will regret ever asking God’s permission to give you your trials because you will end up twice as blessed as you started out. God’s up to something! He’s turning your mess into a message and He’s turning your pain into a platform. Remember, He’s turning your trial into a testimony and He’s turning the trash that has come into your life into triumph!”

Beauty from ashes! You can declare war and you can have that freedom that only God can give you. Also, you don’t have to succumb to depression, anxiety, or fear. Admit where you struggle, become a student of the problem, and be your expert. When you do that, that can eliminate fear. Stand up for yourself and for what is right. You don’t have to lay down and take it, but you must release it to the One who can fight your battles! You are not your darkness, and it cannot overtake you as a child of the King.

Begin in Your Mind

That is where you can shut off the darkness. “My friend Kevin Gerald likes to say, ‘Thoughts are like trains: they take you somewhere.’ When a train of thought shows up, don’t just get on! Slow down before you board it to make sure it’s heading in the right direction. Ask each one:  Where are you taking me? Are we headed to Lovelyville, Virtuetown, Good Report Station? Boomsauce! Wait, this train is going to Jealousy, USA? Rage City? Gossip Central? I’m sorry, I’m just not comfortable going where you are headed.”  

That is a fantastic analogy. I can catch myself when fixing to go off the rails into a tangent. There are times when I can physically hear a voice that says STOP. SHUT UP. STOP SPEAKING. WALK AWAY. 98% of the time, I ignore it, and then crap comes flying out my mouth. You can’t take back what you say because the damage has already been done.

Levi Lusko goes on to outline a few more places that may be harder to spot the trains that are coming:

  • Being suspicious of people’s motives
  • Wondering what went wrong
  • Feeling guilty
  • Doubting and questioning God
  • Worrying
  • Obsessing about why you weren’t invited
  • Fearing someone you love being harmed
  • Secretly being happy when something wrong happens to someone you don’t like *ouch*
  • Stressing about your future
  • Stewing over something that was done to you *double ouch*

You Have a Choice

“You can take it captive. Detain it. Don’t let it into your mind for a minute. Show it no mercy. Give it no quarter. Send that thought to the pit of despair so the six-fingered man and the albino can torture it. Don’t be kind. Remember, this is war.”

Replace the thought with Scripture and what God says about you! You don’t have to choose to live like this. You can overcome. Choose life and speak life into yourself instead of the death sentence that Satan brings to the table.

“It’s time to stop letting life happen to you and start happening to your life. When you decide to stare the things in the face that are holding you back, strength will bubble up inside your chest.” So many gems in this book. There are so many powerful statements like this that make you stop and ponder. I will be 50 this year. I have let life happen to me for almost 50 years. Time is soon changing, and I will start “happening” in my life!

A Bad Mood Exists Only in Your Mind

It is never too late to change your attitude, mindset, or course of action for your life. You don’t have to wait until tomorrow. You can make the change halfway through the day. If it is evening, change your perspective. New mercies can happen at any time of the day. Give yourself grace. Go to the Word, put on praise and worship music, dance in your underwear, say you are sorry, or go for a walk. Be the change you want to see made! Remember, “your words and actions both begin as thoughts.” Take your thoughts captive! “You can change how you feel by changing how you think.”

Cliff and Ms. Jan

One of the first things they EVER said to me (amid a chaotic moment with my children at church) was quoting 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” Levi Lusko is quick to point out some facts relating to this verse. “He didn’t say to be thankful FOR everything. You aren’t supposed to be thankful for death or divorce, or unemployment. Those things aren’t good. You can, however, be thankful IN those things – or in any other thing hell can throw at you – because God has a plan to produce good from what you are facing.”

Ponder that. Tomorrow we talk about miracles!

 

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2

We are camping out in the next part of this book, Take Back Your Life. I promise this little series won’t be as long as my last one. Taking apart certain aspects of a book helps me gain a perspective I might not have. So, these book reviews are my online journal to continue my faith journey. Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 2.

Here’s Some Truth For You

Levi Lusko provides these truths.

  • You were made in the image of God.

“That’s right, made. You are not smart mud or a monkey wearing pants. God made you. Fearfully, wonderfully, he knit you together inside your mother. You’re no accident.” I am NO ACCIDENT. I was not an “oops.” It was not a mistake. I was meant to be on this earth and given to the people, my parents, who created me. It might have been a surprise, not a well-received one, but I’m not mistaken. God wanted me from before He created the earth. He knew about me. He made me in the image of His Son.

  • You have autonomy.

“Like God, you have a personality. A sense of humor. You can laugh and sing, make love and create, dream and destroy. You have feelings and can be hurt. When things don’t go your way, you get sad and can be grieved, just like God. This might surprise you, but God doesn’t always get what he wants and neither do we.” Be bigger. Be loud. Do not shrink down and become invisible! You are not less than. You are the child of the King. Straighten that crown!

  • You are immortal.

“The question is not whether you will live forever but where. Four hundred years from now, and four thousand years after that, you will still exist. You will still be alive, and you will still be you.” Wow. Just wow.

  • You were expensive.

“Think about what God was willing to spend to redeem you and give you hope when sin and death had their suffocating stranglehold on your life. You weren’t purchased with any common currency, like gold or silver, but with the precious blood of Jesus. His veins were opened, and then hanging on two pieces of wood on top of a hill shaped like a skull, the Son of God died to pay the price for every wrong thing you have done. Sin is a capital crime, so he died to set you free.” Humbling. This concept is almost incomprehensible. I can’t say I would kill my son for anyone ever.

  • You have power.

“As a child of God, you have been entrusted with the Holy Spirit. The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead now lives in your heart and is ready and waiting to be activated.”

  • You are gifted.

“You have specific connections and opportunities that I haven’t been given. You’re a genius. There are people you get to talk to every day whom it would take a miracle for a preacher to get in front of. But for you it’s effortless as sitting in second period or clocking in for an afternoon shift at your job.”

I can say that I wholeheartedly agree with this, but not everyone does. I learned to blend. Do not stand out, do not attract those that look different from me, don’t go to bars (which I don’t, but that is for another reason), watch who you talk to because you just might be seen by a church person, and that could mean disaster for you. Never have I ever agreed with that statement. I did, for years, but not anymore. I’m a girl with pink and purple hair. As small as I want to be, I am loud and look different. Those people march to the beat of their drums. Well, those are my people. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. There are people that I can reach that might seem “less than” to other “Christians.”

  • You have an epic mission.

“The orders from your commanding officer are pretty clear: go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.

Be Bigger, Unapologetic, Unique.

“I hope you are starting to get a sense of how incredibly, wildly unordinary you are. You, my friend, were put on this earth to make waves, disrupt the status quo, and kick over some stinking applecarts. you have everything you need to move forward and live an extraordinary life.”

Preach it, Levi!

From Mundane to Purposeful

“It’s always going to be harder to do the right thing than it is to do the wrong thing. That’s why checking your email a thousand times will always be easier than actually working on something. Also, that’s why scanning your Instagram feed is always going to be easier than actually doing something meaningful. That’s why starting a project, with the blank screen staring back at you, is so hard. But here’s the thing. The harder you work, the better you get at getting over that hump and starting, and the harder it is to surrender.”

From mundane to purposeful is the commitment we need to have for Christ. Delete your social media apps off your phone. You will find that it very well might empower you. Carry a book around, place a small Bible in your car for wait times, and have a playlist of praise and worship music on your phone. Listen to a podcast that uplift and teach you. Fill your mind with the things above, and you will find that your perspective will change for the better.

How You Speak

“How you speak determines how you feel. It’s time to stop listening to your fear! Instead, put some faith in the air. Your speech can create, tear down, build, heal, or hurt. You will feel how you speak and find what you ask. Your words can unlock a life you love or one you loathe.”

I can say; lately, I have been speaking negatively about everything. A thousand and five things in my house need to be accomplished. I clean, and 5 minutes later, it is a disaster. My relationships are not great right now. When a friend calls, my first statement is running down the list of things that are all wrong. I don’t want to lie, but I also don’t want to focus on the negative, and that is what I do. I have got to work on that. It is destroying the people I love around me and me.

Mask of Shame

In Taking Back Your Life, Levi Lusko says, “Is the you you’re showing people really you? Or does your image feel a little disquised? A little distorted? A little masklike? God tells us who we really are but it can be hard to absorb, especially when fears hit. So we slap on a mask as a defense to hide the fears that we aren’t enough.”

The mask of shame speaks to me on every level. I am famous for wearing the appropriate mask for the proper time. I do this out of fear that my true self is too much for some people. Honestly, it is a realized fear because people tell me I’m not good enough. I have too many tattoos, and my hair needs to be a standard color; why do I not wear shoes often? I parent differently than other people parent. I’m not submissive enough, not smart enough, etc. The bad stuff is more accessible to believe than the good stuff. How sad is that?

The Different Types of Masks

I won’t go into detail about what Levi Lusko says. You will get the idea as you read these.

  • The superiority mask.
  • The smiley-face mask.
  • The “Fifty Shades of Grey” mask.
  • The funny guy/gal mask.
  • The “I’m so holy” mask.
  • The clone wars mask.
  • The zombie mask.
  • The gold-plated, diamond-encrusted mask

“It’s ironic, we put on masks in hopes of finding love and acceptance, but people cat love someone they don’t know. What they’re falling in love with isn’t you; it’s your maks, a superficial version of you, a costume you’ve carefully curated. What you wear to obtain, you must wear to retain.”

He further says that we need to learn our true identity in Christ. He encourages you to take your masks off, remember who God says you are, accept who God says you are, and live in complete freedom.

What Does Freedom Look Like

What does this word “freedom” look like when you drop the facade and become the you that God created you to be? I wish I could say I was living that, but I’m not. Honestly, I’m a constant work in progress.

“Freedom looks like vulnerability.” Vulnerability is being capable of being physically or emotionally wounded – open attack or damage. Being vulnerable takes an incredible amount of strength. I encourage you to see the TED Talk by Brene Brown on this subject. Levi Lusko states, “the only way to victory is by going through vulnerability.”

Life Lesson Number 101

I read this book a couple of months ago. I’m rereading as I process through each chapter and rereading what I have highlighted. I aim to apply things to my life and get stuff on notecards to carry around. Silly sounding, I know. Yet, it works for me.

Currently, my husband and I are at a crossroads. Hurts have been expressed. Saying things out of frustration leads to hurt feelings and pain. The desire to give up is at an all-time high. As I’m going through this book, this is what I previously highlighted: “In marriage, being “naked and unashamed” lets down all the walls, telling your fears, telling your desires, telling your dreams, telling how you feel when you don’t measure up. People can say, ‘what you said hurt my feelings. I’m not going to lash out in anger and write an angry email to make you feel small because you made me feel small. Honestly, I’m going to tell you it hurt me. I’m going to try to get on with it.’ “

I need to pause and go and talk to my husband. Marriage is hard; even after almost 30 years, it is hard.

I will leave this parting quote that was written on my whiteboard. “If God didn’t give it, you don’t have to keep it. This is your permission slip to let that go.” Part 3 is coming soon.

Book Review

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko Part 1

Take Back Your Life by Levi Lusko – Part 1

Trigger Warning:

This book frequently references the heartbreaking loss of Levi Lusko’s young daughter, Lenya. While it doesn’t go into graphic detail, the topic is mentioned often.

How I Read Books

Take Back Your Life is designed as a 40-day interactive journey to help you think right so you can live right. However, if I tried to read just one chapter a day, I’d never finish! Instead, I prefer to read the entire book quickly, usually in a day or so. Then, I go back and highlight the parts that stand out to me. That way, when I revisit the book, I can focus on those key takeaways rather than rereading everything.

For those who want to know my reading process—it’s a bit unconventional. I start with the introduction, then jump straight to the last chapter. From there, I read the ending notes and acknowledgments before finally circling back to chapter one. I realize this might seem odd, but it’s how I’ve always read books. Of course, you should read in whatever way works best for you!

Ants vs. Mosquitoes: An Analogy That Sticks

Levi Lusko opens the book with an unusual analogy. When I reread my highlighted passages, his words hit me hard:

“Ants… public enemy number one… Ants do not carry yellow fever or malaria… Mosquitoes do… Mosquitoes love water. Mosquitoes were laying their larva and thriving. The ant moats—the very things people thought were keeping them safe—were actually costing them their lives. I’ve made the mistake of doing the right thing the wrong way. I fought the ants but fostered the mosquitoes. By following my feelings, I became trapped in moods that should not have had a hold on me. By failing to take my thoughts captive, I allowed anxiety to have a seat at the table reserved only for God and paid for with the blood of His Son. Leave the ants alone. It’s time to swat some mosquitoes.”

Wow. That needs to go on a notecard: Ants vs. Mosquitoes.

This analogy might seem like a strange way to start Take Back Your Life, but it’s unforgettable. It forces us to reflect on whether we’re fighting the wrong battles while allowing the real threats to thrive.

Lusko also discusses idols, explaining that they aren’t necessarily bad things. Instead, he says:

“They are good things that are treated as ultimate things.”

That statement makes me pause. What are my “ultimate” things? What am I prioritizing in a way that might be unhealthy? I need to sit with that thought.

Feelings vs. Faith

Romans 7:15 says:

“I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”

Feelings are fleeting. We can’t base our lives on emotions that shift from moment to moment. Lusko compares this to vision, explaining:

“Looks can be deceiving. We can look at something but not see what’s there. That means we cannot trust what we see with the naked eye. You can’t trust what you see or the decisions you make based on that. You need more.”

We’re quick to judge, decide, and react based on what we see. But what if what we see isn’t the full story?

Take a child who has experienced trauma and neglect. Imagine a parent walks in to find them hiding in the kitchen, stuffing food into their shirt—even though they just ate a huge meal.

To a parent without experience in trauma, this looks like stealing, lying, and disobedience. Their reaction?

“Go to your room. No movie. No dessert. Why did you lie? Why didn’t you just ask?”

But through the lens of trauma-informed parenting, the picture shifts. This child isn’t stealing out of greed—they’re acting out of fear and survival instincts. Their brain remembers the hunger and neglect they once endured.

As parents, our feelings in these moments might be anger or frustration. But Lusko reminds us to see what’s unseen. We need a “night-vision telescope called faith.”

“You’re going to see potential. You’re going to see they’re destined for impact. They were made in the image of God. There is amazing potential packed inside of them.”

That’s an incredibly hard concept to grasp in the heat of frustration. When we’re dealing with the same issue for the hundredth time, our first thought isn’t always God is working this for our good. But faith calls us to look beyond what’s visible.

Your Story Now Is Not the End of Your Story

Lusko writes:

“Through faith, eternity becomes visible. When you operate in faith, you know that what you see is not the end of the story. You may not be happy with your story right now. You may be disappointed or grieving or bored, or maybe you’ve forgotten you’re living a story at all. But you are. Uncover what has been hidden in plain sight. When you see the invisible, you can do the impossible.”

Right now, many parents see brokenness—the things that still need fixing, the progress yet to be made. It’s hard to appreciate what has improved when there’s still so much to do. But when we look through the lens of faith, we see beyond the immediate struggles.

The Battlefield of the Mind

Lusko says:

“Before we can do the great things we’re called to do out there, we must get things squared away on the inside. I’m talking about the war within.”

This hits home. The battlefield of the mind is real. Joyce Meyer even wrote an entire book and Bible study on this topic.

As someone passionate about ending the stigma around mental illness, I believe we need to have more compassion, love, and encouragement for those struggling.

People often tell me to “capture my thoughts”, but sometimes my thoughts are already speeding 200 mph down the track before I even have a chance to catch them.

My self-image is a constant battle. When I look in the mirror, I see flaws—wrinkles, weight, moles, personality quirks, behaviors. I instinctively make myself small, hoping to avoid attention. It’s exhausting.

But Lusko reminds us:

“Jesus said, the message of the gospel isn’t try; it’s trust. You don’t have to carry the weight of what you can do for me; just stand on the strength of what I have done for you. Once you’re under that umbrella called grace, how God views you—your identity—doesn’t change day to day with your behavior or with your activity.”

And this:

“What God says about you? You are loved. You are chosen. You are called. You are equipped.”

No matter how I feel—on my best day or my worst—those truths remain.

Honestly, those words—Loved. Called. Chosen. Equipped.—might just find a permanent place on my body. I already have “perseverance, survivor, warrior” tattooed in Amharic. This feels like the next step.

Because I need those reminders. Every. Single. Day.


Final Thoughts

Take Back Your Life is an incredibly powerful read. Whether you’re struggling with fear, doubt, mental battles, or past trauma, Lusko challenges you to shift your perspective—to stop swatting at ants and start taking down mosquitoes.

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Have you read this book? What parts stood out to you? Let’s discuss.

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Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

In this Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon, my guest blogger remembers her brother, who died of cancer six years ago. What a thing for a family to go through. The loss of a child, grandchild, brother, and friend. He was a few days shy of turning 19 when he met Jesus.

Lord, bless this family. Bless them with peace and sweet memories as they navigate this difficult week as they remember this sweet boy. Please give them the knowledge that he is healthy and happy and hanging out with your Son, Jesus. He is waiting for them to all be reunited one day.

Open Letter to A Brother Who Left This World Too Soon

 

Dear Z,

It has almost been six years without you, and I don’t feel it has gotten any easier. This wound is taking forever to heal. I miss you so much, and naturally, I wish you were here with me. This is my least favorite time of year. I know you are watching over me and taking care of me. 

I Wish You Could Answer Me

I’d give anything to have one final conversation with you or give you one last hug. If I could go back and change things, I would. I would have stayed by your side through it all. I think about that all the time. Does it make me a bad sister for leaving you there? I could have taken whatever our stepfather threw at me to stay with you.

Missing All The Things

My mom told me a few years ago that you asked for me every day. You asked when I was coming back from dad’s. You know I like to take care of people. I took care of you for the longest time. Honestly, I miss waking up at 3 in the morning to refill your feeding pump. I miss helping you walk around, even though you protested the entire time. For six years, I have been waiting for you to appear in front of me. To give me a chance to tell you my final goodbye. To tell you I loved you just one more time. 

It Hasn’t Happened, so I’ll Keep Waiting.

I think I can finally start to let go of the regret I’ve had for the past six years. It’s time. You know I love you more than words could ever describe. I know your biggest fear of death was being forgotten, but you are unforgettable. You made an impact on everyone’s life. I will never forget you or the things you did for me. 

You were one of my best friends. I promise you my kids will know what a fantastic man you were. They will know how strong you were and how hard you fought. They will know that you are my hero, and I aspire to be as strong and brave as you were. 

After Six Years, I Can Let You Go and Let You Rest in Peace

That doesn’t mean I will forget about you. It means I don’t have to worry about you hating me for leaving. I know you loved me as much as I loved you. I know you weren’t upset about us leaving Mom. I’m just upset she wouldn’t let you stay with us. 

I am letting go of my regret because it wasn’t my fault you got sick. Honestly, I was a child, and I know it wasn’t my responsibility to take care of you. I am moving on and trying to start the new year off right. Thankfully, I know you will be with me and watching over me every step.

Love,

S

 

Guest Blogger

Keep the Season Merry and Safe

Keep the Season Merry and Safe

 

Keep the Season Merry and Safe with Innovative Takes on Holiday Gatherings

Keep the Season Merry and Safe. The 2020 holiday season poses new challenges for parents trying to balance family life and health concerns. However, it is still possible to enjoy some seasonal socializing with caution and creativity. Families who have experienced stress or loss over the past year may significantly benefit from the opportunity to laugh, interact, and even celebrate. Whether you plan an online meet-up or a small in-person party, a little innovation can go a long way. This goes towards keeping the spirit of the holidays alive during difficult times. Barefoot Faith Journey invites you to consider the following methods to celebrate safely.

When health concerns are paramount, online might be best.

The easiest way to keep a gathering safe is to host it remotely. By now, most of us are familiar with many online interaction technologies. With applications such as Zoom, Skype, and Facebook Messenger readily available, families can choose which best suits their personal preferences and tech capacities. Communication and planning are crucial to hosting an excellent remote party, so everyone knows when and how to join.

Families used to online meet-ups for work, or school responsibilities might consider making their virtual gatherings more festive by adding costume themes. For more minor children, think about themes from superhero movies or their favorite animated series. Older children and adults might find a period dress a fun way to step out of every day. If everyone prepares snacks and beverages in advance, you can chat. Also, maybe even play games and enjoy some holiday treats.

Online Activity

When engaged in online activity, ensure you protect yourself and your devices against cyberattacks. Use a secure network, set up strong passwords, and avoid clicking on dubious links. Also, be aware of downloading applications you haven’t carefully vetted. And never give away private personal information online unless you know you are dealing with a secure and trusted source.

If it is safe to do so, consider hosting a small in-person event.

Depending on the weather and public health regulations in your area, you may be able to host a holiday event. Even if it is just for a few close friends and family, always check the recommendations for your state and county. Do this before making plans. Invite people you can trust who will abide by precautions and communicate clearly with you about potential risks. In general, outdoor gatherings are safer than indoor ones. Ask your guests to bring masks and set up a small hand-sanitizing station near the exit and entry point. Everyone should provide their food and drink and avoid sharing utensils as much as possible.

Colder Climate Ideas

To create a comfortable outdoor space, firepits and outdoor heaters might be good options for colder climates. Just be sure to follow your area’s rules and recommendations for fire safety. Add fairy lights and tiki torches for ambiance, and plan games or entertainment that don’t involve interpersonal contact.

Indoor parties might still be possible, but remember to take precautions.

For those in areas with reduced risk, indoor gatherings are still possible. All guests should have already been sharing a quarantine bubble when meeting up inside, minimizing outside contact. Traveling over long distances for social events is generally discouraged, but those who feel it is safe or necessary should heed these travel safety tips suggested by experts. Avoid unnecessary physical contact when gathering with others in your quarantine bubble. Also, check temperatures beforehand, and remember to wash your hands frequently.

It has been a challenging year for many of us. You can still celebrate the holidays with friends and family; this year requires a little more creativity. Even if you have to arrange your events a little differently this time around, remember, some things haven’t changed. The holidays are still a time to celebrate the relationships that enrich our lives.

 

Adoption, Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger

God is in the Details

~~Guest Blogger: God is in the details is something I posted, a few months ago.  This post is about the love, adoption, and loss of this sweet family’s sweet daughter Freh.  Amy and Sten’s story continues and the light of the Lord shines through dark times.  She has graciously let me repost her original blog (you can find her blog here).  Amy and Sten’s story is powerful and their faith is an inspiration~~

God is in the Details

Sometimes Writing is Painful

Putting words into print somehow solidifies the reality. But everyone knows that writing is therapeutic and sharing one’s story is really more for the writer than the reader, right?

I have had an aversion to sharing in the past several months, because how do I say it? How do I justly tell a story that has so many details and changing parts that won’t leave me feeling torn apart and raw or worse yet…vulnerable. After all, isn’t dealing with child loss and grief enough? I mean why tell a story that will make me look like a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. But what I do know is that an amazing story is unfolding in my life, and I haven’t shared it because of vulnerability. I have avoided the messy, ugly, scorching parts to preserve what little dignity I have left. Questions, opinions, judgment, they all raise the hairs on my neck.

I Have Turned to Close Confidants

Also, my prayer posse to stand there, in this foggy ditch, and intercede on my behalf until I can muster the words……God is still working. He has not set my tapestry down and forgotten. He is very much working out the finest of details. This ‘new us’ is now on a constant quest for joy. Consistently, almost methodically searching and seeking not the temporary thrills and distractions from our pain, but eternal, long-lasting, blanketing joy. We did a lot of talking and praying about this joy. I asked God to tell me where to go to find this gift He had for us and very clearly he pointed us to children, the beautifully packaged joy that He has time and again chosen for us since we were just 18 years old.

May 2014

Mother’s Day weekend. We got an email that informed us that a young, homeless girl in Florida is pregnant and has chosen us to be the forever family for her baby, due in October. We were ecstatic! Oh, how we had longed for a baby to hold and love since that day just a year before when our lives were shattered, and our Freh was taken from us. I finally felt like there was some joy to be had. A baby, a young mother in need, a little package of hope.

Flying to Florida

We flew to Florida and met “D” and her boyfriend. We went to an ultrasound and saw the little life inside her. It was a boy. He was healthy. We enjoyed the time we spent with this young girl, talking about her life and her plans for herself. Seeing that the relationship she was in with her boyfriend was not healthy,  Sten and I spoke with her about that and ways she could get help.

We bonded with this young mother. I felt an immediate love for her. She showed us the hotel she was now staying in, and we taught her how to cook some food for herself.  On the flight home, Sten and I admitted that we felt conflicted. We really wished she could somehow find a way, as we had over 19 years ago, to keep her baby and yet, we still really longed for a baby. I committed to praying quietly that God would move in D’s life and that He would guide her to the right decision.

She and I Texted Throughout the Summer

I was able to have a few significant conversations with her. We talked about purpose and God and joy. She knew that we had lost our daughter a year before and she asked me how I handle that, a question that brought such a lump to my throat because I knew what possibly laid ahead in her future. I simply answered that I just let God handle the hard parts and I never stop seeking Him. She responded that her grandmother used to tell her the same thing.

35 weeks, ultrasound day….we received a call that D had not shown up for her ultrasound and that she called to tell our consultant that she has decided to leave her boyfriend and keep her baby. She had reunited with her mom, and they were going to raise the baby together. Now, you might think that we were angry with her for this…after all, how could she string us along with all summer and take thousands from us in support? We had our house ready for a baby.

We Were Supposed to be His Parents, Right?

Nope.

God had protected our hearts so perfectly that when we got the news, and the initial (5minute) sting wore off, we were so HAPPY for D. She found a way. She gets to be a momma to her baby!! How could that make anyone angry? God had worked it out to the smallest details. My concern was that she knew we were so happy for her and that we loved her, no matter what. It was ok. I felt that peace that only God can wash over me.  This is where it gets ugly and messy and, for the sake of sanity and humility and all things sensible, I will just share the watered-down version.

Have you ever had an experience that is so confusing and awful that all you can do is chalk it up to the darkness in this world? Well, that’s kind of how this next part played out……Two days later we were matched with another baby due “any day now.” He was 100% certainly ours, or so we were told. We let our guards down, went to Target, and bought everything we would need for this soon to be born child. Then, I asked if a prenatal record was available for us to look over, so we knew what to expect with this baby and just like that he was stripped from us and given to a family who would “love him unconditionally” (aka pay more money and not ask questions) To my friends in the adoption community, you may take a short break to wash the vomit from your mouths.

I know.

Brutal

Two weeks of refusal to answer our emails and phone calls. We had nothing. We were devastated, angry, hurt, seething mad. Talk about God putting up a huge wall. In the midst of hurt and loss upon loss like this, we barely could see straight. I pushed hard into God and the very close, personal friends he has gifted me with. They spoke the truth to me.  I cried, paced, spit…all of those ugly things you do when you get seething mad. But, God was loud and clear to me, once again, to wait to be quiet. TRUST HIM.

I Decided I was not Going to Share Publicly What Had Happened

I was going to let things pass and hopefully ease into the next chapter, without any scars or should I say judgment. People would notice when November comes, and we don’t have a baby. I just didn’t have the words. I kept hearing God nudging me to ‘write it out’….share what He is doing in the midst of pain, but golly! That is just such a vulnerable place to put yourself. And in the center of all that confusion and hurt, I certainly couldn’t see the thread of God’s needle. I could feel more of the flame of his blowtorch… How could I possibly find some wonderfully divine inspiration for writing? But God kept revisiting the issue. Write.

Behind the Adoption Drama Unfolding Another Ache

Our oldest son. He has had a difficult stretch these last few years, and we have had to let him learn some incredibly hard life lessons. Ones that you think to yourself, “son, this is going to wreck you possibly, but you must walk across these burning embers to heal and learn.” I can see now that God knew. God saw the way in advance that if we had been given D’s baby, we certainly would not have been available to help our first-born child through quite possibly, the most challenging time in his life. I love my God for protecting my children that way. For answering my very own prayers for my children so perfectly. Weaving our hearts together in the most intricate way possible.  I am thankful.

My Husband is a Patient and Introspective Man

He encourages me to do things that really stretch me, like be patient, wait it out, be quiet (HA!), listen. He is such a ROCK for me. After all the dust settled from that terrible “you have a baby, wait, no you don’t” week…Sten said to me that we should wait a month, get our bearings and start looking around us at what we should do next. We indeed agreed that we weren’t going to give up on adoption. God put that call on our hearts, and we haven’t felt as if he is taking it away.

On November 6 we signed with an adoption consulting firm called Christian Adoption Consultants. Turns out, Freh’s friend in Heaven, Mattie Sam, well, his mom is one of the lead consultants there, and they orchestrated the whole “hey, our moms should totally meet” thing. Tracie and I firmly believe that they are up to some serious Heavenly Shenanigans! Isn’t that cool? Isn’t it amazing how if you just take a half step back, you can see that GLORY IS RIGHT THERE?

God, just waiting to do His thing! Now, we are working with Tracie’s team at CAC to meet a need and be matched with a baby who needs us, and we cannot wait to see what God will do with this. It finally feels like we are right where He wants us to be. Adoption is very hard. Adoption is very risky. But, with God and Godly people by your side, He will use the ugliest of situations and bring beauty from them!

All This Time

I have heard God speaking to me to write. “I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:1-4  This verse has come to my plate many times over the course of the past 8 years. Be a lamp. Still, I struggled inside my own head with sharing.

People Will Just Understand, I Told Myself

God will understand why I don’t want to write about it, it’s painful. But then, without even mentioning this spiritual struggle to anyone, God used one of his people to deliver a message. A Facebook friend wrote me and said she had been feeling like the Lord was leading her to pray for me. We chatted about that, and I let her in on the very surface details of our adoption trials. Then just Sunday morning, she messaged me again, “Have you blogged about any of this? I’m wondering if sharing your thoughts, your story might bring your baby home? I believe God is not asking you to share your sorrow rather share His love and openly SEEK your baby. I’m positive God is asking me to tell you to listen to that voice you hear calling.”

WAIT.  WHAT?

Yes. My God. Our God. He does these things. He uses his people as 2x4s to smack us upside the head. He’s done it before. Why am I surprised?  So, I just spent the better part of a Monday writing to you about the wonderful, faithful, amazing love that is God. He is in the very details of our lives, even when we feel so far from him. He is right there. Listening. Beckoning. Leading.

I am not giving up. Refinement is painful at times. I can see joy and sorrow, contentment and longing all rolled up into a holy ball of fire and ice, beauty like nothing ever witnessed before.

If You Have Endured This Post to the Very End, Would You Do One More Thing?

Would you please pray for us? Pray that whatever baby God is intending for our family will make it to our family soon. Praise God with us for the mighty work He is doing in our oldest son. Ask God to give our weary hearts strength in this wait. Pray for protection and peace over our children. Ask God for grand logistic graces for all of the ifs and whens of this adoption and the impending adoption of Mihret’s brother from Ethiopia. Please pray that I will continue to seek and see Him in all of the details.

Love you all.
Amy

 

Life At Home

One Little Two Little Three Little Vacuum Cleaners

One Little Two Little Three Little Vacuum Cleaners

One Little, Two Little, Three Little Vacuum Cleaners… (Okay, Four)

Let me just say it: this is not something you can make up. You’d think I’d learn after vacuum #1. Or #2. Or maybe even #3. But no. This is real life, and in this house, it took One Little Two Little Three Little Vacuum Cleaners (four vacuums) to clean one stinky boys’ room.

Some things should stay inside the four walls of your home, but here I am… telling the internet.

This is a no-judgment zone, right?


The Great De-Funking

The mission was simple: tackle the disaster zone that was my boys’ bedroom. The smell alone could knock you down. I didn’t want to subject any innocent human (myself included) to it, but it had to be done.

I was in a hurry. The kids—all six of them—warned me. One by one, they said, “Mom, don’t go in there,” or “Mom, let us help,” but I brushed them off. I didn’t want them to see me purging the clutter (or throwing away things they’d surely argue to keep).

I gutted the room except for the beds. One bunkbed and a captain’s-style bed with drawers underneath. I had piles everywhere: Legos, clothes, stuffed animals, papers, dress-up clothes—you name it.

Then came the Bumblebee.


Vacuum #1 – R.I.P. Bumblebee

This big, bright yellow vacuum was my pride and joy. I pulled it out, determined to suck up every crumb, dust bunny, and unidentifiable object off the floor.

From there, I stretched the hose into the tiny closet, the vacuum sitting peacefully in the middle of the room. Honestly, I was completely focused on cleaning out the grime. So focused, in fact, that I ignored a growing smell of smoke.

Then came the kids again:
“Mom, the hallway is filled with smoke.”
“Something’s burning.”
“Do you smell that?”

I brushed them off—because I was in the zone. And because I didn’t see smoke, surely there was no smoke.

Wrong.

I finally glanced over at the vacuum and had a fleeting thought: I thought this vacuum was yellow… not orange.

That’s because it was on fire.

Turns out I had sucked up a pair of Catfish’s nylon army pants. They got tangled in the roller, heated up, and caught fire. I unplugged it as fast as I could, but it was too late. The pants were toast, and so was my beloved vacuum. Not the “pull it apart and clean it out” kind of dead. Nope. This was the “ashes to ashes, dust to dust” kind of dead.


Vacuum #2 – Bissell and Betrayal

After the loss of Bumblebee, I turned to my trusty Bissell hardwood floor vacuum. Lightweight, sleek, and oh-so-satisfying with its “ping ping” sound when it picked up dirt.

Big Daddy thought I was vacuuming too much with it when we first got it. I thought I was simply embracing joy.

But this vacuum was not made for carpet.

Yet, there I was again—zipping through the house, trying to finish cleaning. And what did I see surrounding me? A trail of smoke.

Yep. My sweet little Bissell was on fire too. Strike two.


Vacuum #3 – Borrowed and Burned

My dear friend Melissa lent me her vacuum. I was overjoyed. A “real” vacuum again! Surely, this time would be different.

I used it.

Loved it.

I returned it.

A few days later, Melissa called:
“I think my vacuum is on fire.”

Bless it. I burned up her vacuum too.


Vacuum #4 – And Still, She Smelled Smoke

Someone else gave me a really nice, used vacuum—big and sturdy. I was cleaning again this week when it happened.

You guessed it.

Smoke.

Again.


I Don’t Get It.

Seriously, I just don’t get it. I like to vacuum. Honestly, I really do. I love the instant gratification of seeing messes disappear. But for the life of me, I cannot figure out how I’ve managed to set FOUR vacuums ablaze.

Is it me? The house? Is it a sign to stop cleaning?

All I know is, the next time the kids tell me something is wrong, I should probably listen.

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