Tag: Toxic Relationships

Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Brandi C

 What Does 'New Vision' Mean

What Does ‘New Vision’ Mean

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the importance of gaining a new vision in her book, Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. The idea of focusing on what is present rather than what is lacking in a difficult relationship is a powerful shift in perspective.

This concept resonates deeply. Fractured relationships can sometimes overshadow the joy found in those still present. Some may struggle to relate to this feeling, while others nod in understanding.

Conversations with trusted individuals can bring clarity. A friend, though distant for many years, offered wisdom and honesty that was both challenging and necessary. Sometimes, it is easier to seek validation from those who agree, but real growth comes from listening to hard truths.

Reading this book further reinforced the lessons learned. It highlights the concept of Aerial Vision—a broader perspective that removes arbitrary triggers and reveals that control in relationships is a choice. No one can dictate emotions or reactions unless that control is permitted. A difficult relationship is a shared dynamic; it takes two to sustain conflict.

Healing requires acknowledging personal responsibility while understanding that not all relational difficulties stem from one person alone. Apologizing when necessary is important, but dwelling in shame is harmful. Genuine repentance means making amends when possible, but if reconciliation is refused, the burden of guilt should not remain.

In some cases, apologies have been extended even without knowing the exact wrongdoing, simply to restore peace. However, when miscommunication persists and resolution remains elusive, sometimes the best step forward is releasing the situation and moving on.

Boundaries play a crucial role in managing complex relationships. Fear of rejection can make setting limits difficult, especially with close relationships. But maintaining unhealthy dynamics for fear of losing a connection only prolongs the pain. Relationships built on respect will withstand boundaries, while those dependent on control and manipulation will resist them.

This book underscores the reality that difficult relationships can feel like swamps—murky, filled with obstacles, and exhausting to navigate. However, a shift in perspective can illuminate a path forward. Choices determine whether a person remains stuck in turmoil or moves toward renewal.

True peace may not always mean reconciliation. While the hope for healing remains, it is not always possible. In such cases, seeking peace and setting firm boundaries are acts of self-preservation. As the book states, “The swamp bottom is often the beginning of renewal.” Embracing a broader vision fosters strength, clarity, and a healthier way forward.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

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Book Review, Circle of Hope Counseling Services

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Brandi C

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

The Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships

Elizabeth B. Brown discusses the Foundation Blocks of Healthy Relationships in her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People. She places them under four headings—first, respect. Then, accepting personal responsibility for one’s behavior. There is also allowing others to bear the consequences of their behavior. Lastly, caring without enabling.

Objectivity in Healthy Relationships

“Objectivity in healthy relationships encourages each person to be responsible for his own choices and actions and the consequences of them.” There is my problem. I do not have objectivity. Honestly, I don’t know how to have that in these relationships. How does one care without enabling a person? Hmmm. If I respond with simple direct responses, that comes across as cold and unfeeling, which could hurt someone’s feelings. However, if I give too much fluff or information, it can be used against me. In my eyes, I can’t win. I don’t know how to walk that fine line.  

“Turning a toxic relationship into a healthy one requires hard work and a new vision. You can’t change your situation if you fail to see the problems and the options.” In my situation, I can see the problems quite clearly; however, I can’t see the options. Rock and hard place is where I’m constantly sitting.

Questions to Ask Yourself

“These six questions will jump-start your efforts to unscrew difficult relationship problems.”

  1. What emotional tornadoes does the difficult person in your life spin off?
  2. How do you react to the screwed-up person in your life?
  3. How does your difficult person react to your reactions?
  4. If the other person is the problem, are you growing unhealthy actions and reactions in response to him or her?
  5. Are you the screwed-up person driving others to reactive behavior?
  6. How do others react to your actions and responses?

It’s easy to offer a surface-level response or sugarcoat a complicated situation, but true resolution requires honesty. Making light of conflict does not serve anyone involved. It’s important to be completely truthful with oneself and acknowledge any role played in the situation. If possible, an apology should be offered. If direct communication isn’t safe, writing an unsent letter can still provide closure.

However, when a relationship repeatedly causes great conflict, boundaries are necessary. Setting limits can feel daunting, especially when there’s fear of losing the relationship entirely. It’s easier with acquaintances or distant friends, but with family, it can be excruciating. Yet, boundaries are an act of self-preservation, not punishment. They protect emotional well-being and allow for healthier interactions.

Many struggle with setting boundaries due to fear of rejection or abandonment. The worry that enforcing limits will lead to silence or a severed connection can be overwhelming. But allowing unhealthy dynamics to continue unchecked only leads to deeper hurt and resentment. Boundaries are not about pushing people away; they are about ensuring relationships are built on mutual respect.

The reality is that not everyone will respond well to boundaries. Some may push back, others may walk away. That is painful, but it is also revealing. Healthy relationships can withstand and respect boundaries. Unhealthy ones often rely on their absence.

There is strength in facing fears and in refusing to let past pain dictate the future. Establishing boundaries is an act of courage—one that prioritizes emotional and mental well-being. Forward, with faith.

It Takes Only One Person to Change a Relationship

“Do you really want to bring about positive change in your negative relationships? If so, you must be willing to change first. Unless you change first, it is unlikely your relationship will do anything but sink deeper into distress. Reactive behavior rarely brings positive change. It is impossible to continue the same type of interaction if one of the parties has metamorphosed his or her actions and responses.”  

“Patterns can be reversed. It is possible to regain control of thoughts and restructure a life that abuse has tumbled into chaos through the years. People can change. You can change.”

Clear Vision Test

In Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown outlines this test with these instructions: 1=never; 2=sometimes feel this; 3=quite often feel this. Answer honestly and do one test per complicated relationship.

  1. I stew and seethe in silence before our time together.
  2. I worry about and anticipate difficulties and chaos that will come after most of our times together.
  3. I feel manipulated, intimidated, and controlled most of the time.
  4. I feel unappreciated most of the time.
  5. I feel I am always having to defend myself.
  6. I feel overwhelming guilt after our being together.
  7. I feel like “something is eating me alive.”
  8. My conversations with others often spin off the negative actions or reactions I have to this person.
  9. I seem unable to control my anger, resentment, or hurt.
  10. I feel like I will never be able to measure up to what is expected.
  11. I feel like a loser when I express my ideas, needs, or beliefs.
  12. I try to plan out my actions and reactions before we get together.
  13. I fantasize about getting even.
  14. I fantasize about getting out.
  15. I feel I must protect someone other than myself from harm – physical or psychological-caused by the difficult person.
  16. I long to help this person change so he or she will be happier.
  17. I long to help this person change so I will be happier.
  18. I explode at the most unexpected times.
  19. I do not feel happy most of the time.
  20. I don’t like me most of the time.
  21. Most of the time I long for our relationship to be different.

If your score is:

21: Your relationship is normal and healthy.

22-34: Your relationship is skewed.

35-63: Your relationship and your reactions to it are unhealthy.

Reach Out

💛 If you’re navigating life’s hard places and need a safe space to heal, grow, or just breathe—Circle of Hope Counseling Services is here for you.

We offer trauma-informed, faith-filled therapy for individuals, couples, and families.

📞 Reach out today to schedule your first session (KY residents only) or learn more: Circle of Hope Counseling Services.

You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Hope starts here.

Circle of Hope Counseling Services, End the Stigma, Guest Blogger, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

I Am Who I Am

Brandi C

I Am Who I Am

I Am Who I Am

Being who I am that I do not have many friends. It is hard for me to open up to other people because of how often I have been used. Also, for being backstabbed by these so-called “friends.” My circle of friends is tiny due to this issue I have had in the past. 

I have maybe four close friends who care about me and my well-being. I would do anything for them. Honestly, I am loyal to the end. I find it hard to let go, especially when potential long-lasting friendships end. I also tend to take on my friends’ problems. Sadly, I claim that I am the cause of their issues. I will just as quickly take the blame for everything rather than have them take responsibility. 

This One “Friend”

This one “friend” is currently my co-worker and, unfortunately, my neighbor. The first night shift we worked together, we instantly clicked. We became comfortable with each other, which is incredibly rare for me. As the days went on, we constantly texted about work and life. We would hang out at my place and watch movies on our days off. His friends and family became comfortable with me as we continued to hang out. Working together was a blast since we got along, and the kids enjoyed it when we both worked on the same day.

Tragic Event

He was always there for me when I needed him. There was a massive party at the apartment where I used to live. There were easily at least 200+ party-goers. Having a party, this size goes against the contract of the apartment complex. Unfortunately, the party got out of hand. There was a tragic event that turned the party into a nightmare. 

My anxiety was at an all-time high, and I needed to get out of there. My friend came to rescue me as quickly as he could. He was so understanding and was there to help distract me from this event. My friend insisted that I did not return to my apartment until things calmed down and the police finished their investigations.

Maude, My Orphan Kitty

My friend also supported me when my little orphan kitten died that I was trying to bottle feed after her mom rejected her. I stayed up late at night and took that little kitten with me literally everywhere, we eventually had a routine, and I was so proud of how she was progressing. I do not do well when animals die, especially if I am the one dedicated to their health and well-being. The baby passed away, and I was heartbroken. My friend was with me, and he took the kitten and buried her for me since I could not do it myself. 

I Told Him Everything

We did not have secrets, and we knew each other pretty well. My ‘friend’ was concerned for my mental health and physical health since the job profession we work in is extremely taxing for someone with mental health issues. I was grateful to have someone to talk to who has some of the same problems that I struggle with daily. This person was the true definition of an absolute best friend, or so I thought. 

We did not date even though he admitted having feelings for me that I could not reciprocate for personal reasons. But we remained best friends for a long time, that is, until his current girlfriend came back into his life. They had dated once in the past. I was supportive. I still wanted to hang out with him, and I also wanted to get to know his girlfriend because I was trying to be supportive of their relationship. 

All of a Sudden

He stopped talking to me, and he did not use text or call me at all. I had no clue what I did wrong to make him not talk to me because we spent almost every day together. Things just got worse from that point. I tried to talk to him, but he refused to acknowledge my existence and futile attempts to get him to speak to me. 

I admitted to him that I was jealous that he spent every day with his new girlfriend and that she moved in with him only two weeks after their dating. Not jealous in the love sort of way but jealous that my best friend put all of his attention on just his girlfriend and nobody else. 

Then One Night

One night I was walking my dog, and he was outside on his back patio with his sister and girlfriend. I did not say a single word to him. He shouted from his yard that he needed to say something to me and let me have it. He told me never to talk to his friends or family again and that if I had something to say, I should say it to his face. 

Instantly I got defensive and shouted back an obscene comment while rushing back to my apartment. Granted, I should have handled that situation with better decorum, but I was unprepared for that verbal attack. This ‘friend’ would text me nasty things, and his girlfriend even got in on the action and told me to stop talking to her boyfriend or things would get worse for me. I did not know how to handle this situation, so I ignored him. 

My Depression and Anxiety

My depression was through the roof, and my anxiety about the whole scenario kept my mind running in 20 different directions. My ‘friend’ drunk-dialed me one night, and I just broke down and told him everything I felt and how betrayed I felt about the whole situation. He blamed me for his drinking and dipping problem, and he said that I was the one that caused drama between him and his friends and family. Being the person I am, I claimed his problems as my own. I honestly believed that our entire friendship had been some one-way street and that I had caused all his problems. 

Eventually

After we were mature and decided to end our silly feud when we would work together, he started talking to me more, and we fell back into our usual best friend ways. He said that his girlfriend did not like me, and she did not like the fact that we would hang out all the time and text each other constantly. I told him that if she was threatened by me trying to “break up their relationship,” I could never do that to someone. I’m not that kind of person. And I reiterated that I will still support and care about him because he played a part in my life whether I wanted it to happen or not.

I Missed my Best Friend

I told him I missed my best friend, and I honestly did. I missed the days we would hang out together, be goofy, and have fun with our two dogs. The thing is, is that I hold onto the people that come into my life. I try to make any situation better by offering to help however I can at the time. My friend kept in contact with me, but we never actually hung out except when we worked together at the boy’s house. He fell into a bad depressive state, and I tried my best to be there for him since I know how rough it can be when you get in that depressive state. 

One Random Night

His girlfriend added me on Snapchat and sent me a message. I dreaded opening it because I hated confrontation. We talked for a long time, and we were okay. I explained that I did not have feelings for him other than feelings of being a best friend and that I was not trying to break up their relationship. I called my friend and told him what she said and how everything was good between us again. Everything was fine for the next two weeks. 

Enter My Mom

One day my mom came over to visit me, and she wanted to introduce herself to my boys and my friend since I had already told her about him. All she did was shake his hand and introduce herself. Two days later, I got the most hateful message from him early in the morning. He accused my mom and me of trying to start drama and said she came to his house unannounced. I was confused and hurt by all the hateful things sent to me.

Horribly Bullying

He called me a crazy psycho manipulative bitch and that he never wanted to see my face ever again. We were NEVER friends, the exact words that were texted to me. That was along with some other things I will not mention. I was at work at the time, so I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom to cry and then compose myself the best I could. My hands were shaking, and I could feel my blood pressure rising with each nasty message. I was confused, hurt, and betrayed, and I seriously started believing everything he was saying to me.

Is This a Joke?

I honestly thought at first that it was a joke. That wasn’t him because my best friend would never say things like that to me. I profusely apologized even though I did nothing wrong, but he did not believe me. He said that I was not innocent and that I thought that I had never done anything wrong. I allowed myself to be sad for a little while. Then I had to get over it and finish out my shift so I could go home. Why? 

Seriously, Why me? 

Why do I always get into situations with people betraying me and my trust? I love fiercely, and I am loyal to the end. I would never do anything to hurt my friend. But he hurt me. He hurt me so badly that I felt like my chest would rip open. I was miserable for the next week or two. His friends would always come at me and send me nasty messages. I just took it all on my shoulders like I usually do. 

I need to stop doing things like that.

And that doesn’t make me a bad person. I am allowed to have feelings. To be sad and mourn my best friend, who I somehow alienated in my life. After I attended a church sermon one day, my pastor said something that resonated with me. It probed me to remember how badly he hurt me. He said that even though someone might have done us wrong, we must forgive. Also, pray that God will bless their lives abundantly. 

I started to cry thinking about all my past friendships that crashed and burned for whatever reason it was at the time. Then, I sent every single one of my so-called “friends” a message. It was a ‘to the point’ message which said exactly what I wanted to say. I did this in a kind and Christ-Like manner. I do not know if any of my friends even read that message. At least I sent it to them and forgave them.

Message to my “Friend”

I still see my neighbor around, and I also see him at work. Today, I will choose kindness. Also, I will choose to love still (as a friend). Furthermore, I will care about him even though it is hard. I will decide to make friends if God brings them into my life. Also, I will still love and be loyal to them no matter what comes my way. 

And to my friend, even though he says we are not friends, I hope you have a fruitful life. That you and your girlfriend are happy together is all I ever wanted for you. I want you to be happy and successful. Even if that means our friendship is at an end. That’s okay. I will be okay. Because my heart belongs to God, and I believe in his everlasting love for me.

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The Proposal

Brandi C

The Proposal

The Proposal

 

Now it is time to talk about The Proposal. After about two years, the man I was dating proposed to me at the park with no people around because I believed that proposals should be private. I had pushed so hard to be engaged because I wanted to be married, and I tried to find that love that I truly craved even though I should have been craving Jesus and his faithful and eternal love. We were engaged for only a few months before it happened. 

As I said, I do not believe in cheating, and I think it is cowardly to do to someone. One night, he and I had returned from a date, and he ran upstairs to get something from his apartment. I decided to go on his phone and take some pictures. Being the nosy person I was, I went through his text messages and found messages from a strange girl. She was only 16.

 

He Had Been Cheating on Me With a 16-Year-Old Girl.

 

I was shocked. Just shock. I turned his phone off, set it down, and waited for his return. When I questioned him about the messages, he instantly got defensive and said she was just a friend. Friends don’t ask for pictures of friends or that they wish they could kiss each other. I still remember sitting in his car, gripping my hands and digging my nails into my skin to keep from crying. I took his phone and immediately ran upstairs to the safety of my mom’s arms and showed her why I was sobbing like my heart was broken. Of course, he followed and tried to improve the situation, but my mom knew better than that. 

 

We Broke Up

 

I was heartbroken and still in shock. Honestly, I felt numb to all things in the world. I did not know any other pain except what I was feeling in my heart. You are fortunate and blessed if you have never experienced heartbreak like being cheated on by your fiance. He cheated on me not once, not twice, but three times. Three different women. 

I know I might be making this too big a deal, but I could not look at him the same at the time. Honestly, I gave him so many second chances. He begged for when he said he truly loved me. He did not understand why he cheated on me. I never got a clear answer as to why. That’s all I wanted to know. Why? What did I do wrong? Was I not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough? The girls he cheated on me with were beautiful. 

 

It’s Over

 

I told him that I could not do it anymore. I gave him the ring back and said to him that I would always love him and that he played a part in my life, but we needed to go our separate ways—the look in his eyes. I can still feel the pounding of my heart. I remember how clammy my hands felt and how I heard him storm out of the house and the screech of his tires down the road. 

I told my parents what had happened and I just broke down. I sobbed like I never had before. Do you know that feeling? I almost can not explain it. Three years I gave to this man, who was supposed to be my future husband, this person who I thought was my best friend and trusted partner. My grandmother and I had already put together my wedding bouquet. Then my mom and I had already looked at dresses. And all I could think about was why was I not good enough for him? Why me? What did I do to him that I deserved a cheater and a liar as a fiance?

 

Memories

 

So many memories that we created together to flush down the toilet. I was miserable for months, mainly since my ex-fiance lived in the same town as me, so I would see my ex constantly. I went through the stages of grief, and I was still not OK in the end. And to be honest, I do not think that I am OK with this. My ex’s mom blamed me for breaking his heart. His “friends” with me were confused and would not leave me alone. His brother messaged me as well. My ex blamed me and told me it was my fault that he cheated on me. Everything was my fault. And I claimed it. For a little while, he did not speak to me. 

 

Manipulation

 

One day we were texting for some reason, and he told me some terrifying things that he was going to do and that I could do nothing to help him, and that it was my fault. My mind spun out of control, and I started to have flashbacks of how manipulative he was to me when he got like this. Luckily, my mom and pastor handled the situation, and we did not speak much after that. After a few months, I ran him out of town, and I told him never to come back and talk to me again, or he would regret it. 

 

Consumed in Anger

 

The anger I felt towards him consumed my life, which turned into bitterness. Even now, I still see his patterns in men who try to date me. My life spun out of control, and I made very poor choices. I still do not understand how I could have been so stupid and blind to stay with him for as long as I did. And for the longest time, I despised him. 

I convinced myself that I did not fit the mold of a woman’s appearance. Dress like. Even act like in this modern world. I let myself go. Furthermore, I kept all of my emotions bottled up and stuffed deep down. I did this so I would not have to deal with the pain. Honestly, I think that I have kept it bottled up for so long. I have blocked out those memories so quickly that I am still crying while writing this piece.

The Hotline

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How It Began

Brandi C

How It Began

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

This is How It Began. I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. I feel like now is the time to write. From my perspective, this is what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships. You can talk with random people all over the world. Sadly, I was one of the suckers that got sucked into all the fun profiles and nice-looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages. Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website. Sadly, he did not have the premium services. Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice-looking man, and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking, talking online, and eventually texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months. 

Eventually, We Met, and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5, which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’06’0 tall self. Our date went well, and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama, and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends and church family supported us and our long-distance relationship. It was so hard for him and me to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because he worked two jobs. 

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we married. I long ago chose to wait until marriage to have any relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there, we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship. 

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad, and I wanted him to care about me as I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt “being in love” and did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually, I told him we could not continue like this anymore, and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating, I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t, but he also treated me in a way that was not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman. 

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him I was considering, not even stating I was going to do it, but that I wanted to join a sorority possibly. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to participate because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him. 

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to go with me. He would emotionally abuse me and refuse to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.

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Happy Without You

Brandi C

The Pain of Losing a Friendship

Happy Without You

This young lady shares her feelings about losing a special friendship in Happy Without You. Friendships come and go like the ebbs and flows of the ocean. That is what I tell so many people because it puts in perspective that the things of this Earth are not forever. Yet, losing a friendship is so very hard. I always say you can either release them and enjoy the memories or hold onto them and be left with scars as Jesus rips them out of your hand.

 This story is written by a young lady who is experiencing the loss of her relationship with a friend. Her pain is evident, and this is her way of releasing those emotions healthily. I pray for peace and restoration for her and her friend. We always have to remember “but God.” He is the healer of all things in His time.

Happy Without You

 Happy Without You. Hey, you know that if you want to hang out with me, you can text me. I am not trying to make you think that I don’t give a shit about you. I would hate for you to feel that way. You know, you really should be careful of what you put out in this world. You could hurt someone. 

Hence the reason I have taken measures to prevent you from hurting me. And this is only one of many instances. I have to do this for my mental health. It was hard and hurtful to see and hear those things, these passive-aggressive, attention-seeking words that bore deep in my soul. 

My Offering and Your Response

I have offered to be friends, have fun, live our lives together, create things, and make things I knew you would like. And you decide to say some bullshit like that? And even if you didn’t mean it towards me, maybe it wasn’t your intent. Doesn’t matter. Still hurt. And sorry is not going to fix this. 

I am so sick and tired of your antics and your attention-seeking behavior. Do you even care about me? You haven’t once asked me how I have been. Not in all of this time. Not then and not now. Do you know how much that hurts? Honestly, do you know how badly I want someone I can trust? Do you know how badly I want to be your friend? 

Why Stop?

You quit texting me. Also, You stopped hanging out with me. You. Not me. This is your fault, not mine. It is all on you. You make things about yourself anyway, so why should this be any different? I feel unwelcome in your presence. Awkward is what I feel because I cannot trust you. I don’t know how to act around you. Honestly, I don’t know who you are anymore. And it is so hard that I can’t trust you anymore. 

My Reasons

So, do you want to know why I don’t make plans? Because every time I have tried, you find someone or something better for you to do. And that hurts. I would go above and beyond to make you feel welcome so you wouldn’t see my depression. So you wouldn’t have to see my anxiety. So you wouldn’t have to see my trauma. You don’t seem interested in hanging out with me. Do you ever try and point the finger at yourself? Or is it everyone else’s fault but yours? 

 

What Did I do?

 

What did I do to hurt you? Is this my fault after all? Everything is usually my fault; that comes from my trauma. But do you even care? No, you don’t bother to ask. I was there for you for everything. I helped you. I supported you. I loved you. And I got nothing in return. And I didn’t want anything. Because that is what true friendship is really like. Or have you forgotten? 

 

I don’t know who you are anymore, understand your thought process, and know why you have such disdain for me. Frankly, I don’t understand your words. I am hurt, and I can’t trust you. Trust is such a fickle thing for me. Once you break my trust, you are gone. And I gave you so many chances. But no more. I have tried and tried and tried some more to open myself up to you. 

 

What You Don’t Know

 

Do you know that I have been in trauma therapy for months? Do you know the horrors I have had to relive? Do you know how bad my depression has gotten? Do you know that I have panic attacks when I am triggered? Do you know that my anxiety is through the roof most of the time? No. BECAUSE YOU DON’T CARE. You don’t care; otherwise, you would have said something. You would have asked. 

 

I want to be passive-aggressive back to you. I want to say something so passive-aggressive it makes your blood boil. So you could know what it feels like when you say something like what you did. But I am a bigger person. So I won’t do that. And that is ok. But I secretly want you to read this. I want you to know how badly you have hurt me. I want you to know how many hours I have cried over our friendship. I want you to know. 

 

I Have Always Loved You

 

But it is getting harder and harder to love you each day. I am heartbroken. It is your fault. I am not going to sugarcoat anything. You are one of the reasons why I don’t trust anyone. I trusted you, and you broke it. I felt betrayed and so alone. Do you know how badly I wanted to be your friend? Can you even fathom it? 

 

You are one of the Best People I Have Ever Known.

 

However, I don’t even recognize you anymore. It is not because I judge you. I never have and never will. I have done enough things that I am ashamed of, and I do not feel the need to judge every single person I meet. So if that’s why you hate me so much, get that thought out of your head. I have never judged you and never will. But you have changed. The person I thought cared about me doesn’t seem to exist anymore. 

 

Someone to Trust

 

I want someone to tell my story too. That is something I want. I desire that. But I can’t do that with you. You made sure of that. Trauma is a bitch. But I have been stuck in my little bubble for so long that it is hard for me to reach out. Because of the times, I have tried to reach out, I was judged and retreated into my bubble. And now, I am working through this messy middle of trauma therapy, which is not easy. Not that you care. Again, you never asked. 

 

So instead of blaming everyone else, why don’t you start blaming yourself? You pushed everyone away, the people closest to you. I was one of those people that you drove away. You are the definition of a guilt trip. You are such a triggering person. You gaslight people into thinking that it is their fault instead of yours. Your guilt and manipulation to get your way. In a way, I am better off without you. 

 

Without You

 

Without you, I would have survived my trauma. I got married without you. Without you, I got myself into treatment. I was blessed with the best gift anyone could ask for without you. It’s currently kicking inside of me now. Without you, I would have survived my suicidal ideations. I got myself medicated without you. Without you, I got my life back on track. I got closer to Jesus without you. All of these things I did without you. 

 

And you know what? I am a freaking fantastic person. And you are missing out. So peace, love, and Spock signal. I hope you are happy. Because I sure am. Happy without you.