I Should Have Known

Content Note:
This guest post is shared for Suicide Awareness Month and discusses sensitive topics that may include suicidal thoughts, self-harm, trauma, abuse, emotional pain, depression, anxiety, or crisis-level hopelessness. Please read with care. If this topic feels activating, it is okay to pause, step away, or reach out for support.

A note from Brandi:
This guest post is shared with permission and reflects the personal experience and perspective of the writer. It is offered for awareness, education, encouragement, and stigma reduction. It is not therapy, clinical advice, crisis care, medical advice, or a substitute for professional support. If you are in crisis, thinking about suicide, at risk of hurting yourself, or in immediate danger, call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room.

I Should Have Known

I should have known something wasn’t right

When you told me you loved me for the first time

And I didn’t say it back

 

I should have known something was up.

When I couldn’t stand the fact that you wrote me love letters

Or when you posted love stuff on social media

I mean, I didn’t even “like” the post

 

Not My Type

 

I should have realized much sooner

That you weren’t my type

way before I let it go as far as I did

You were not the problem; it was me

 

I was the one starting things trying to get you to leave first.

And I didn’t know why then, but I do now

I just wasn’t into the whole thing

 

I wasn’t into the wedding

Also, I wasn’t into fooling around

and I definitely wasn’t into having sex

 

What I Wanted

 

I just wanted to feel loved and wanted

You seemed to care and want me

So I tried to play along

 

I tried to compromise all of my feelings

To fulfill your needs

Give you what you wanted.

To support you in any and all ways that I could

 

Reality

 

But in reality, all I was doing was lying to myself

Lying to you

And lying to my family

 

Lying about why I felt that way

And lying about what I truly wanted

lying about my life

 

Hiding

 

All I wanted was to feel loved and accepted

that is why I didn’t end it sooner

that is why I didn’t confess that I didn’t truly have feelings

at least not romantic feelings.

 

I did it because I wanted to cover up what I already knew

And that I wasn’t ready, to tell the truth,

Which is I like girls

And there is nothing I can do to make people accept, so I hide

And think over the fact that I am different than the rest.

 

The Trevor Project

Guest Post / Crisis Support Disclaimer:
Guest posts reflect the personal views and lived experiences of the writer. They do not necessarily represent clinical advice, therapy, crisis care, medical advice, or the views of Barefoot Faith Journey or Circle of Hope Counseling Services. Blog content is educational and inspirational only and does not create a therapist-client relationship.

If you are in crisis: Please call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. This blog is not monitored for crisis support. You are worthy of immediate care and support.