Tag: manipulation

Medical Issues

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

Barefoot Faith Journey

 Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder?

What is Reactive Attachment Disorder? RAD is a condition in which individuals have difficulty forming loving, lasting

relationships. Let me tell you; this is HARD. Seemingly, on the outside, things look great. However, at home, it is like living in a nightmare. Sadly, this is a nightmare you do not ever wake up from. Sometimes, it can be manageable. For instance, medication for moods and sleep can help sometimes. However, their body starts building resistance to medications, so trial and error become the norm.

Some General Traits

Often have a nearly complete lack of ability to be genuinely affectionate with others.

Typically fail to develop a conscience and do not seem to trust.

Do not allow people to be in control of them due to this trust issue.

They can be surface compliant for weeks if no loving relationship is involved.

However, with strangers, they can be incredibly charming and appear loving.

Uneducated adults misinterpret this as the child trusting or caring for them. If they cannot trust and love their own family that loves them, they will not trust and love a casual acquaintance.

They do not think and feel like an average person.

Some famous people with RAD

Hitler

Saddam Hussein

Edgar Allen Poe

Jeffrey Dahmer

Ted Bundy

Helen Keller

Isolated type, Predominant feeling is Sad.

1. no friends

2. no touch

3. verbally compliant, actually defiant

Evasive type, Predominant feeling is Fear.

1. clingy

2. fake

3. charming

4. chatter

5. chameleon

Defiant type, Predominant feeling is Rage.

1. cruel

2. charming

3. self-absorbed

4. destructive

Bizarre type

1. act crazy

2. constant noise

Causes

Any of the following conditions occurring to a child under 36 months of age puts a child at high risk for developing RAD:

~Maternal ambivalence toward pregnancy

~In-utero trauma, drugs, alcohol exposure

~ Abuse

~Neglect

~Sudden separation from the primary caregiver

~Undiagnosed or painful illness such as colic or ear infections

~Inconsistent or inadequate daycare

~Chronic maternal depression

~Several moves and/or placements

~Unprepared mothers with poor parenting skills

Attachment Disorder Symptoms in Children

Superficially engaging & charming

Lack of eye contact on parents’ terms

Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers

Not affectionate on parents’ terms

Destructive to self, others, and material things (accident prone)

Cruelty to animals

Lying about the obvious (crazy lying), Confabulation

Stealing

No impulse controls

Learning Lags

Lack of cause and effect thinking

More Issues

Lack of conscience

Abnormal eating patterns

Poor peer relationships

Preoccupation with fire

Preoccupation with blood & gore

Persistent nonsense questions & chatter

Inappropriately demanding & clingy

Abnormal speech patterns

Triangulation of adults

False allegations of Abuse

Presumptive entitlement issues

Parents appear hostile and angry

Attachment Disorder Symptoms in Infants

~Does not use crying appropriately to get someone to address needs

~Often does not settle when Mom meets needs

~Overreacts or often startles to touch, sound, and/or light

~Listlessness with no medical reason

~Limited holding onto or reaching for a caregiver

~Lack of appropriate stranger anxiety between 6 and 9 months of age

~Shows minimal interest in interacting with people

~Does not smile back or respond with activity to smites or baby talk

~Often does not follow human movement with their eyes

~Avoids eye contact

~ self-abusive behavior

~Is resistant to cuddling

Great Quotes

“When your brain works right, so can you. When your brain doesn’t work right, neither can you.” Daniel Amen, M.D.

“Experience changes the brain,” Bruce Perry, M.D,

“Attachment is at the heart of all human endeavors.” Bruce Perry, M.D.

“Traditional therapy is useless for severely traumatized people, but especially children because it does not reach the parts of the brain that were most impacted by trauma.” Bessel van der Kolk. M.D.

Complex (reactionary mind/brain stem) Survival mode

Fight – Defensive, and tantrums, argues, negative.

Flight – Runs away, hypervigilant, stress-filled, anxious

Freeze- Shuts down emotions, shuts down learning, disassociates

Talking:

Talking is the first area in which a child must gain self-control to begin healing.

Lies

Dumb questions

Unclear Speech

Jabbering

Swearing

Not answering

Why?

Arguing

I don’t know

Not accepting responsibility

Interrupting

Whining

Consequences vs. Punishment

Punishment turns thoughts to the outside of the child.

Consequences turn their thoughts inside.

Dramatic Displays:

Children must be kept close until they no longer need an audience to manipulate.

Flipping the bird

Overdramatic

Pity Parties

Fit Throwing

Aggression

Eye Rolling

Excretions:

The child must be 100% responsible for cleaning up their excretions after age five.

Urine

Feces

Flatulence

Vomit

Nasal Discharge

Spitting

Food Issues:

On the one hand, you can’t make them eat it. On the other hand, you can’t make them stop eating either. Sadly, they have to learn to control themselves. A parent’s obligation as the nurturer is to provide nutritious meals three times a day.

Hiding food

Eating too much

Not eating

Picky eating

Eating rudely

Eating weird things

Friends and Family:

Relationships must begin between the mother and child. Second, generalize to the father. Third, to the family. Fourth, to the community. Lastly, to the world.

Peer relationships

Siblings rights

Abusing other kids

Setting up

Tattling

Pets

Prescribing the Problem:

When it’s not harmful to the child, pick your battles. For instance, one avenue of intervention is prescribing the problem.

Chewing clothes

Chewing hands

Thumb sucking

Biting nails, lips, toes

Cracking knuckles

Picking boogers

Picking scabs

Masturbating

Crying wolf

Refusing medication

Nutrition

Allergies

Bedtime Issues:

Children must sleep 10 to 12 hours a night with no light in the room. On the other hand, adults need to sleep 8 hours a night with no light on in the room.

Setting alarm off

Not going to bed

Noise at night

Getting them up in the am and dressed

Restitution /Respite/Responsibility

~Restitution for stolen or intentionally stolen items should be double the item’s replacement value.

~It is the child’s responsibility to fill in the hole they dig with their inappropriate behaviors. The way they fill it in is by paying back with their time, their talent, or their energy.

~Stealing

~Running away

~Knives/weapons

~Destroying property

~Sabotaging fun

~Hygiene

From Others Toward Parents:

~Sometimes, we have to say No

~No, I won’t put my child in harm’s way by giving them freedoms they can’t handle.

~Parenting too tough, Nazis

~Not strict enough

~Munchhausen, Histrionic, Borderline, etc.

~Bad parent

~ Don’t like/love child

~Scape-goating child

~Try harder

~ love him more

Support Ideas

Realize this is a very painful situation. If you are on the Mom’s side, you are on the child’s side. Sadly, if you take the child’s side against the Mom, they both lose.

Equally important, listen with open ears and hearts. For instance, you should not judge or be critical. Again, condemning, criticizing, or blaming Does Not Help to Lift the burden, don’t load it down.

Make short, loving phone calls (occasionally) to listen and encourage, not to advise, gather information, or “check on them”- Tell her she can chat whenever she needs an ear.

Finally, do Not give unasked-for advice.

Take all information as confidential.

It is beneficial to educate yourself about Attachment Disorder.

**** Do not say, ‘Let me know if I can help.’ Do something to help.****

Practical Ideas

1. Take her to lunch or dinner.

2. Rent a funny movie and share it.

3. Send her flowers, chocolate, or cards with love and a smile.

4. Bring her some dinner or baked goods,

5. Hugs are always heading. Moms need 12 a day minimum.

6. Pray for them.

More Ideas

Run errands to help lessen the load,

Take the kids somewhere for the afternoon. Be sure she knows it’s because she deserves a break and not because she can’t handle it.

Consider giving her a gift certificate for a massage, manicure, or hair salon.

Give her Mozart’s music or some other calming or uplifting tunes.

Give her a good book.

Buy her bubble bath and watch the kids for an hour or so while she soaks to music.

Remind her of her special traits and talents.

Tell the child often, in front of her, how lucky they are to have a mom like this.

Never show up without calling to check for an appropriate time to visit.

Never tell her to “Just love the child more.” If you already have, beg forgiveness for not understanding.

Families by Design

 

Adoption, Life or Something Like It

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

Barefoot Faith Journey

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

An Apology Without Change is Manipulation

Gracious, this is such a reminder of what I live with daily. It is so hard when you have such consistent, horrible things said to you and then a fake apology. That is exactly what it is. Fake. I probably have done that, but I learned to be sincere with my apologies. When I do something wrong or hurt someone unintentionally, it hurts me so badly. An Apology Without Change is Manipulation. Simple as that.

It Was Not Her Fault

There was an issue with an acquaintance, and though that was the straw that broke the camel’s back, it was not her doing anything wrong. I was just emotional. Yet, this is one isolated instance. I was not manipulating her, and I was sincere in my apology.

Now for my family member, this is a different ball of wax. This member has many types of diagnoses. Part of me thinks that this individual cannot help it. They do something wrong, have a hollow apology, and then do the same thing 10 minutes later.

It is almost to the point where I don’t want an apology. I want this person to leave me the heck alone. Can we say BOUNDARIES? I do not have boundaries, but they certainly need to be established.

Kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder

They do this quite often. In this quote, kids with RAD are good at manipulation, Confabulation, and triangulation. According to Webster’s Dictionary, to manipulate means to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means, especially to one’s advantage.

Confabulation means filling in gaps in memory by fabrication. To “normal” people, this means to lie. Then triangulation means allying. In this situation, it is a child with one parent against another parent.

It is all exhausting and makes my brain work on overload. My boundaries had to be firmly placed, though they broke my heart into a million pieces. I had to take into consideration other family members and myself.

The stress was hurting all of us.

Life is Hard

The Lord did not promise us a walk in a rose garden. If we had that or all the answers, we would not need Him. He completes and sustains us even when we are physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted from creating those hard boundaries.

He gives us the wisdom we need when we seek it, to “speak” to us. For me, this is done through intuition, Scripture, other people, and dreams. I have learned to accept that my family member does not understand what it means not to manipulate and to be sincere in the apology.

It is hard. Completely and totally. Maybe one day, the Lord will heal her mind, body, and spirit to where she can function well in the world around her.

 

Depression, Guest Blogger, Medical Issues, Suicide Awareness and Prevention

How It Began

Barefoot Faith Journey

How It Began

This is Something That is Considerably Difficult for Me to Write

I still have not been able to let it go after all these years. I feel like now is the time to write. From my perspective, this is what my experiences were like when I was dating someone. I had not been in a relationship (or at least a serious one) until I met him. Online dating is the hip and cool new way to meet possible relationships. You can talk with random people all over the world. Sadly, I was one of the suckers that got sucked into all the fun profiles and nice-looking men.

 

How It Began

 

He showed up in my Facebook messages. Then he told me that he found my profile on the dating website. Sadly, he did not have the premium services. Because of that, he had to message me via Facebook. He was a nice-looking man, and I thought, why not? Maybe I should open myself up and see if this might go somewhere. We started talking, talking online, and eventually texting and calling almost daily for quite a few months. 

Eventually, We Met, and He Took Me on a Date

 

He was incredibly tall, 6’5, which seemed like a dream come true to my 6’06’0 tall self. Our date went well, and I invited him to come to church with me the following day. We started dating even though he lived in Alabama, and we shortly declared ourselves in a relationship after only dating for a little while. My friends and church family supported us and our long-distance relationship. It was so hard for him and me to only see each other every two weeks for only two short days. And sometimes I would go months without seeing him because he worked two jobs. 

 

The Honeymoon Phase

 

I was in such a “honeymoon” phase that I did not truly see how screwed up our relationship was at the time. Honestly, I made it clear that I did not want to do anything further unless we married. I long ago chose to wait until marriage to have any relations with a man since that is what God says in his Word. After about a year of dating, he kissed and touched me even though I did not say yes or no. And from there, we continued to make poor choices and follow fleshly desires rather than focusing our eyes on God and working on our relationship. 

 

Being “In Love”

 

I wanted to make him happy because I wanted to be in love so bad, and I wanted him to care about me as I saw in the relationships of my other friends. I had never felt “being in love” and did not see how dangerous it was for me to continue in that sin pattern. Eventually, I told him we could not continue like this anymore, and he agreed to stop. From the beginning that we started dating, I told him that if he ever laid a finger on me that it would not end well for him, which he didn’t, but he also treated me in a way that was not acceptable in the way a man should take care of a woman. 

 

Manipulation and Emotional Abuse

 

He would yell at me and be overly possessive over me for no reason. I told him I was considering, not even stating I was going to do it, but that I wanted to join a sorority possibly. He freaked out and told me he did not want me to participate because I would leave him for a frat guy that was better than him. I assured him that cheating was not something I take lightly and that I only had eyes for him. 

He would yell at me even in front of my family to the point where I had to leave the room to stay calm and keep my composure. Yet, I still said nothing because I did not want him to go with me. He would emotionally abuse me and refuse to communicate with me when we would fight. I tried to put a bandaid on the issue or smile my way through it and say we were alright. I refused to listen to wisdom from my church family, my mentors, and my family, especially my mom.