In My Life is Hard, this is the second part of yesterday’s post. As you can see, mental illness can affect every ounce of your life. Thoughts come and go like the tides of the ocean, yet she remains steadfast. She is trying and reaching out. Though somedays, all appears well with her, in her mind, they are not. Please show grace and kindness to all you meet. You do not know the battles they face.
My Life is Hard
It is a struggle for me on most days to get out of bed. To remember to make myself take my pills that are suppose to help the chemical imbalance in my brain. Aka makes me happier and more “normal”. Sometimes I feel like they work other times I feel like my old self. I let the thoughts I thought were gone back in. Once they are in I can’t get them out. I think about things that I’ve done and the way I liked the feeling. But then I think about the people I know that would be disappointed in me if I chose that path once again.
So I sit and contemplate, should I or no, I liked the pain the feeling of getting it out in a way that only I could feel I mean I wasn’t hurting anyone else was I? But no I made a promise, so I choose to sit in silence. I choose to do nothing but sit and stare into the emptiness inside of me. Most days, I try to fill the hole with anything that it will hold. I try to keep my mind occupied to keep away the thoughts of suicide.
But then there are days when everything seems alright, the pain is still there but it’s not so debilitating. These days life is not so bad I have the energy I can talk and reciprocate the feeling and put effort into conversating. I can express the things on my mind and try to tell them I’m not okay and need some help and not just for the day. These are the days I’m motivated, to my commitments, to my job, or do anything that involves another person. These are the days that I see my people the most. I try to explain where I’ve been and why I’ve been so distant but they know they’ve been there with me before. The days that I am ok are the days that I feel loved and those are the days I return the love.
Few and Far Between
The good days use to be far and in between, the bad days now that’s where I lived. But now my days are starting to turn around. I’m not going to lie they’re about 50% good and 50% bad. I’m not where I want to be but I’m definitely farther than I thought I’d be. I know ill never be 100% good no one ever is. But I would like for one day the good to be more than the bad.
I know the only way to get to my goal is to work on myself and to be honest with myself. I need to be more aware of my feelings, I need to keep myself on the right path. I’ve got to decide to make the effort to get better. And I have, I take my medication when I’m supposed to and I tell the doctor when I feel like I need something new. I’m trying to go to counseling for the first time. I am honest and I try to get my feeling across. I am trying.
For me, the thing that’s helped me is the bond between the people I consider to be my support system. They aren’t afraid to tell me how it is and push me to do the things that I know I should do but am too afraid to do. My support people love me because they can, not because they feel obligated to. They choose to care about my life, they listen to me without making me feel guilty and they help and advise when they feel like they can.
The one thing that’s helped me the most is finding people that share the same thoughts. It’s easier, for me, to open up to someone that I know has been in a similar situation or the same mental disorder. We can share the things that we feel and know that we aren’t alone. We can talk about the bad days and not worry about the looks we will get. Because we both share the same struggles we can help each other through them. We can talk to each other without getting offended.
Thoughts on Mental Disorder
When you have a mental disorder it is hard to take responsibility for your actions so having that support group, those friends, and sometimes family it makes it easier when they can help remind you. You may have a harder time making the right decision because of the disorder but you are the one that makes that decision. Because me, for the longest time, I blamed everything on everyone and then I blamed everything on my mental disorder. But now that I’m stable I can see that everything is up to me. I chose what to do and when to do it so I’m trying to make a better effort.
I am a Work in Progress
My life is hard but at least I try I’m no longer sitting in the dark contemplating my life. I may not be all sunshine and rainbows but at least I now can smile. I now hate myself a little less and I can admit that I am a work in progress. I’ll always struggle with this depression and my mental disorder. It will always be harder for me than most but now I am fighting for my life. I want to live and love. To grow into the person I was meant to be. I want to use my struggles to help others but most importantly I want to be free. Free of shame, free of guilt, and free of hate for myself.
If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.