**TRIGGERING POST** In the story of Promised Suicide, a young woman shares how the generational curse has affected her life. This is, of course, a very personal story. It is heartbreaking what she has endured and continues to endure the battle of her mind. Tomorrow, she will talk about where she is now, in life, and how her beginning was trying to dictate her future but then…there was God.
As a child:
I always promised myself that I would never be like you,
Never leave my family feeling unloved,
I would never drink to be drunk,
Never medicate myself,
I would never lay in the bed for weeks at a time,
Never do anything to harm myself.
And yet as an adult:
I’ve made everyone I love feel hated,
Drunk because I’m sad,
I’ve thought about taking too many of my own pills,
Laid in the bed for weeks at a time,
I’ve cut and carved things into my skin.
As a child:
I didn’t realize what it was like to feel Alone, Unloved, Insignificant,
All I knew was that my mother didn’t care,
My mother hated me,
She didn’t want to spend time with me.
My mother hated herself,
And most of all my mother wanted to die.
As an adult:
I don’t care,
In fact, I hate myself,
I don’t want to spend time with anyone,
I wanted to die.
All because I feel Unlovable, Alone, and Insignificant.
I wonder if there is any connection between what I saw as a child and why I am the way I am.
Did I learn to handle life the way I have?
I mean it would be way easier for me to blame you.
You were the one that raised me,
Or was it the other way around?
What did you expect out of me when you let me take care of you.
Did you expect me to be normal; After all the things I’ve been through?
After flushing away the last pills you didn’t take,
Picking up the blades you tried to use to take your life away,
After scrubbing your blood off of the floor and then putting everything back in place.
But no I can’t blame this on you I chose to do it too,
I chose to pick up that knife
Chose to make the plan
I am responsible for my actions
If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.