Promised Suicide
Content Note:
This guest post is shared for Suicide Awareness Month and discusses sensitive topics that may include suicidal thoughts, self-harm, trauma, abuse, emotional pain, depression, anxiety, or crisis-level hopelessness. Please read with care. If this topic feels activating, it is okay to pause, step away, or reach out for support.
A note from Brandi:
This guest post is shared with permission and reflects the personal experience and perspective of the writer. It is offered for awareness, education, encouragement, and stigma reduction. It is not therapy, clinical advice, crisis care, medical advice, or a substitute for professional support. If you are in crisis, thinking about suicide, at risk of hurting yourself, or in immediate danger, call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room..
As a child:
I always promised myself that I would never be like you,
Never leave my family feeling unloved,
I would never drink to be drunk,
Never medicate myself,
I would never lay in the bed for weeks at a time,
Never do anything to harm myself.
And yet, as an adult:
I’ve made everyone I love feel hated,
Drunk because I’m sad,
I’ve thought about taking too many of my own pills,
Laid in the bed for weeks at a time,
I’ve cut and carved things into my skin.
As a child:
I didn’t realize what it was like to feel Alone, Unloved, Insignificant,
All I knew was that my mother didn’t care,
My mother hated me,
She didn’t want to spend time with me.
My mother hated herself,
And most of all, my mother wanted to die.
As an adult:
I don’t care,
In fact, I hate myself,
I don’t want to spend time with anyone,
I wanted to die.
All because I feel Unlovable, Alone, and Insignificant.
I wonder if there is any connection between what I saw as a child and why I am the way I am.
Did I learn to handle life the way I have?
I mean, it would be way easier for me to blame you.
You were the one that raised me,
Or was it the other way around?
What did you expect out of me when you let me take care of you.
Did you expect me to be normal; After all the things I’ve been through?
After flushing away the last pills, you didn’t take,
Picking up the blades you tried to use to take your life away,
After scrubbing your blood off of the floor and then putting everything back in place.
But no, I can’t blame this on you. I chose to do it too,
I chose to pick up that knife
Chose to make the plan
I am responsible for my actions
Resources
If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Guest Post / Crisis Support Disclaimer:
Guest posts reflect the personal views and lived experiences of the writer. They do not necessarily represent clinical advice, therapy, crisis care, medical advice, or the views of Barefoot Faith Journey or Circle of Hope Counseling Services. Blog content is educational and inspirational only and does not create a therapist-client relationship.
If you are in crisis: Please call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. This blog is not monitored for crisis support. You are worthy of immediate care and support.
