Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life
In Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life, I talk about how I was “introduced” to suicide. Sadly, I didn’t really understand what it really meant until I was older. I mean, I saw people sad and I knew that people had died but that was the extent. Honestly, I didn’t really understand what death meant. I believe I was 10 years old before I had ever even heard that word. When I was 14, that is when I experienced what death really was. There was a deeper understanding because my grandfather had died.
Throughout My Series
Throughout this month, dedicated to Suicide Prevention Awareness, I have documented stories. All of the stories are from people I personally know and love. I have been blessed to be in a chapter of the book that God is writing for them. It has been hard for them to live, much less write. Also, it has been hard for me to read and publish. Yet, I tell them that their stories can reach other people. Their story may be the light that another person needs in order to seek help. They must go through the pain in order to find healing on the other side.
My Heart Aches
To know what these people have been through, hurts my heart. I yearn for Jesus to just erase all the bad and come quickly to stop all the hurt and abuse. He will come, like a thief in the night. He will not come when I want Him too. Jesus says that all things will be used for His glory, as well. I have to rest in that knowledge. He didn’t ordain these acts, abuse, hurt…that was due to free-will of man. Yet, He did allow it and it will be used for good.
Introduction to the Foreign Concept of Suicide
I was about 10. The young man was a friend of our family and he loved to ride horses. I remember, once, riding our horse and she threw me off. There I was, on the ground, and terrified of this “beast” of a horse. **I say ‘beast’ because she was just a pony about the size of a large dog.** She had definitely knocked the breath out of me. I guess she got spooked.
This friend of the family was outside watching. His leg was broken and I remember the cast going all the way up his thigh. I was in awe how he maneuvered around. As I lay there…crawling away…ready to go and cry in my room and NEVER get on a horse again, here he comes.
First, he tossed those crutches (I may be exaggerating here but I was young and the memory plays like a black and white film in my head) down. Then he leapt on that horse and “tamed” the beast. Cast and all. Once he calmed Baby, he jumped off. I remember him looking me square in the eye and saying “get back on.” Surely, he was not serious…yet he was. I tried to squirm out of it and he would not let up.
He hoisted me back up on that beast and off she walked (she was too fat to run). I was amazed at him and what he did. He tamed that beast and told me not to be afraid. After that, I was thrown off many times. Yet, I remember Lee and I remember that image and those words.
I was no longer afraid.
Then It Happened
Whispers. Small details. Crying. Lee no longer came around. I didn’t understand and no one said anything above that whisper. The silence was deafening. I think of him, often, when I get scared. Fear is a liar. I am no longer afraid.
Quickly after that was my next memory of another friend of the family. Again, same scenario. He was there, whispers, small details, crying. He no longer came around. A sadness fell upon those I loved and I didn’t understand why. The word ‘suicide’ was never used…yet now I know.
In Another Decade of my Life
I lost another person that I loved dearly. Completely unexpected. He was so loved by so many people. Talented beyond anything I could comprehend. This one rocked me to the core. Horrible. It is unnatural to bury your child (even an adult child) due to suicide. This time, I was old enough to understand all the things and my heart sunk.
And It Keeps Coming Around
My friend that I met in a Christian group…she struggled with so much. She could not see her worth the way I saw it. Oh, she is so precious to me. She has gone through ebbs and flows of her life but in the end, she is one of my people whom I love dearly. I am so thankful that she was not successful in her attempts. The Lord knew she was needed and loved. Sadly, though, I remember getting a message from her telling me her sister had succeeded in her attempt. The devastation was beyond my comprehension.
The Pain in her Voice…I Still Remember
She still lights candles for her sister and talks about suicide awareness because she wants to spare another family from dealing with what she had dealt with. I cannot imagine what she still goes through, to this day. What her parents go through. That hole never heals. Again, this generational curse can be broken. Praying the blood of Jesus to break this and He will. Seek help, start meds, get into therapy, talk to a friend, reach out. You could be saving a life.
Now, I Understand
Next week, I will share more memories of loved ones that have affected my thoughts and my heart.