Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life

In Suicide Sprinkled Throughout My Life, I talk about how I was “introduced” to suicide. Sadly, I didn’t understand what it meant until I was older. I saw people sad, and I knew that people had died, but that was the extent. Honestly, I didn’t understand what death meant. I was ten years old before I had even heard that word. When I was 14, I experienced what death was. There was a more profound understanding because my grandfather had died.

Throughout My Series

I have documented stories throughout this month dedicated to Suicide Prevention Awareness. All of the stories are from people I know and love. I have been blessed to be in a chapter of the book God is writing for them. It has been hard for them to live, much less writes. Also, it has been hard for me to read and publish. Yet, I tell them that their stories can reach other people. Their story may be the light that another person needs to seek help. They must go through the pain to find healing on the other side.

My Heart Aches

To know what these people have been through hurts my heart. I yearn for Jesus to erase all the bad and come quickly to stop all the hurt and abuse.  He will come, like a thief in the night.  He will not come when I want Him to. Jesus says that all things will also be used for His glory. I have to rest on that knowledge. He didn’t ordain these acts, abuse, hurt. These were due to the free will of man. Yet, He did allow it, which will be used for good.

Introduction to the Foreign Concept of Suicide

I was about 10. The young man was a friend of our family and loved riding horses. I remember, once, riding our horse, and she threw me off. I was on the ground, terrified of this “beast” of a horse. I say ‘beast’ because she was just a pony about the size of a large dog. She had knocked the breath out of me. I guess she got spooked.

This friend of the family was outside watching. His leg was broken, and I remember the cast going up to his thigh. I was in awe at how he maneuvered around. As I lay there, crawling away, ready to go and cry in my room and NEVER get on a horse again, here he comes.

Amazing Feat

First, he tossed those crutches (I may be exaggerating here, but I was young, and the memory plays like a black and white film in my head) down. Then he leaped on that horse and “tamed” the beast. Cast and all. Once he calmed Baby, he jumped off. I remember him looking me square in the eye and saying, “get back on.” Indeed, he was not serious, yet he was. I tried to squirm out of it, and he would not let me up.

He hoisted me back up on that beast, and off she walked (she was too fat to run). I was amazed at him and what he did. He tamed that beast and told me not to be afraid. After that, I was thrown off many times. Yet, I remember Lee and that image and those words.

I was no longer afraid.

Then It Happened

Whispers. Small details. Crying. Lee no longer came around. I didn’t understand, and no one said anything above that whisper. The silence was deafening. I think of him often when I get scared. Fear is a liar. I am no longer afraid.

Quickly after that incident was my next memory of another family friend who chose suicide. Again, same scenario. He was there, whispers, small details, crying. He no longer came around. A sadness fell upon those I loved, and I didn’t understand why. The word ‘suicide’ was never used…yet now I know.

In Another Decade of my Life

I lost another person that I loved dearly. Completely unexpected. So many people so loved him. Talented beyond anything I could comprehend. This one rocked me to the core. Horrible. It is unnatural to bury your child (even an adult) due to suicide. This time, I was old enough to understand everything, and my heart sank.

And It Keeps Coming Around

My friend, whom I met in a Christian group, struggled with so much. She could not see her worth the way I saw it. Oh, she is so precious to me. She has gone through ebbs and flows in her life, but in the end, she is one of the people I love dearly. I am so thankful that she was not successful in her attempts. The Lord knew she was needed and loved. Sadly, though, I remember getting a message from her telling me her sister had succeeded in her attempt. The devastation was beyond my comprehension.

The Pain in her Voice, I Still Remember

She still lights candles for her sister. She talks about suicide awareness because she wants to spare another family from dealing with what she has been through with her sister. I cannot imagine what she still goes through to this day. What her parents go through. That hole never heals. Again, this generational curse can be broken. Praying the blood of Jesus to break this, and He will. Seek help, start meds, get into therapy, talk to a friend, and reach out. You could be saving a life.