This is When It Began
Content Note:
This guest post is shared for Suicide Awareness Month and discusses sensitive topics that may include suicidal thoughts, self-harm, trauma, abuse, emotional pain, depression, anxiety, or crisis-level hopelessness. Please read with care. If this topic feels activating, it is okay to pause, step away, or reach out for support.
A note from Brandi:
This guest post is shared with permission and reflects the personal experience and perspective of the writer. It is offered for awareness, education, encouragement, and stigma reduction. It is not therapy, clinical advice, crisis care, medical advice, or a substitute for professional support. If you are in crisis, thinking about suicide, at risk of hurting yourself, or in immediate danger, call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room.
In This is When It Began, this sweet girl reflects on her father and the beginning of her abuse. It is so painful for me to read, yet I know it will be healing. As I have said before, you must walk through the pain before healing. That is precisely what she is doing.
I Remember When
I remember the days when we would sit on the couch and watch tv or work on my homework together,
The days when I was the one you cared for, the apple of your eye, so to speak.
I remember us taking four-wheeler rides through our land back when we were still a single-family.
Back before the war between the parents where the kids had to choose sides
Where the kids had to learn who would do what.
Relearning Life
This was before the manipulation and the lies from both sides.
I wish we could have the same relationship as we did then.
When you were the one I cared for the most
But then it happened.
You Left.
You should have tried harder.
You should have at least fought for your family
but you gave in and moved out.
This is When it Began.
Mom found a new man.
We stayed with our grandparents most of the time.
This is where the abuse began.
The man who was supposed to be an uncle
turned out to be a child abuser.
As I stayed in silence, he became your friend
and this is how it came down in the end.
You Did Nothing but Sit
You didn’t try to do anything.
Instead, you said you knew people inside.
This was probably a lie.
Which are you didn’t care what had happened
or at least you didn’t care enough.
If you did, you would have done something. Anything would have been enough.
Enough to Show that You Cared for Me
Anything at all would have sufficed.
Years later, I still hold you at fault whether I should or not.
I just wish you had seen what was going on.
I mean, there were signs.
But I Can’t Blame You for Someone Else’s Decisions.
Just for yours at that was to do nothing.
Yes, I’m still mad and still sad.
And I know I should forgive you for this one thing.
But I just can’t until I understand why.
Resources
If you or someone you know is being abused, PLEASE reach out.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Guest Post / Crisis Support Disclaimer:
Guest posts reflect the personal views and lived experiences of the writer. They do not necessarily represent clinical advice, therapy, crisis care, medical advice, or the views of Barefoot Faith Journey or Circle of Hope Counseling Services, LLC. Blog content is educational and inspirational only and does not create a therapist-client relationship.
If you are in crisis: Please call 911, call or text 988, or go to your nearest emergency room. This blog is not monitored for crisis support. You are worthy of immediate care and support.
