Let’s Talk About Loneliness
Let’s Talk About Loneliness. According to Webster’s dictionary being lonely means without company OR cut off from others. I have been reading a book by Sheila Walsh called “Holding on When You Want to Let Go.” It is a very good read. I have have the pleasure of hearing her speak, in person, at the Women of Faith conferences that I have attended many times. She is an excellent speaker, writer, songbird, and more. Sheila Walsh is very relatable in a lot of areas. She is not immune to the hardships of life, but she holds onto her faith.
Being Alone and Feeling Alone
These two things are not the same. In her book, Sheila Walsh states that “being alone can be a beautiful thing, a time of rest, of reflection, of quiet. Feeling alone is a strange thing. You can be in a crowd and feel alone. you can be loved and feel alone. Feeling alone is like a silent ache, a feeling that you don’t belong, you don’t fit in, you’re not like everyone else. Feeling alone doesn’t need to make sense; it just is. It’s a gnawing ache inside. It’s like a piece is missing from your soul.”
That passage created a feeling in me and my brain began swirling and twirling. A few years ago, my sister, mom, and me went to meet my other sister for a day visit. We had been talking about it for a while and it was time to set a date and make it happen. My sister lives about 7 hours away and we don’t see each other as much as we would all like. It was such a good day.
That Ache of a Feeling
Once we got to our destination and we all loved on each other, we headed for food! It is so nice to sit at a restaurant, enjoy each other’s company and laughter, and to be near family. For me, however, that moment was like an out of body experience. I was watching my sisters and Oak laugh, cry, eat, and just fellowship yet I felt so alone. This intrusive thought of “I don’t belong” permeated my brain. Did my family do that? Heck no. It was just that…an intrusive thought.
I was surrounded by people that love me and I love them yet my core felt empty, sad, and alone. That is something I never shared with them. Honestly, if they read this blog (which I don’t think they do LOL), that statement will make them wonder what is wrong with me.
Tolerating
Another passage from this book exemplifies how I felt during this interaction. ‘{I} felt like I didn’t measure up. I felt like I was not enough. {I} felt like I was tolerated rather than welcomed. I felt deep down there was something wrong with me. {I} looked at other who seemed happy and together, and i knew I’d never be like that.’
Honestly, I have felt like that at family dinner’s, in my own home, church, etc. These thoughts, I know, are from satan and I had to capture them. We had such a great visit once I extricated those thoughts. It had the potential to really cause harm, in my mind and spirit but I was able to recognize them immediately.
Depression Related?
This may or may not be related to depression, I really don’t know. I just know that it sucked to feel so lonely around so many people who love me. Do they always agree with me? Nope. There are times I don’t agree with them. Do we always like each other? I guess that is relative LOL. We love each other, completely, that I know.
Depression has been something that has been woven in and out of my tapestry for many years. I believe my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression when I was like 19 years old. So much has changed, that that isn’t even in the DSM-5-TR anymore. Now it is labeled Major Depressive Disorder…mild, moderate, or severe. My depression comes in waves. There are periods of time that things are good and then there are times when I am deep in a hole. It is not fun but I know that I am not alone. I have a village.
Suicide Hotline
If you ever feel alone, please call 988 and talk to the person on the other end. You are not alone and they answer the phone 24/7. If you have intrusive thoughts, please get in to see a counselor, call 988, 911, talk to a friend or a pastor because intrusive thoughts are hard and they are scary but they are not real! You are valued, loved, wanted, and you make this world a better place by being in it.
To my sisters and my Oak…thank you for loving me well.
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